Everly

Loss of a parent - daily thread

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Dear Friends,

I cannot believe its already August and half the summer is over. Soon it will be the one year anniversary of my dad's passing, I'm still in shock some days about this life on earth without him. Why couldn't you still be here daddy? Just more day.

Thinking of you all.

Take care.

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Dear Reader,

Keeping you in my prayers. My mom died 7 weeks ago. Amazing how my brain automatically keeps track of these milestones.

A day hasn't gone by without me wishing that she is still alive. But I'm also now able to think about my mom without crying. We shared so many wonderful memories. I'm now able to recall those memories without shedding tears.

There are still times, when my eyes well up and I just let the tears flow. I don't ever expect these moments to completely go away. But I do expect the smiles to outnumber the tears in the coming months.

Thinking about everyone as well.

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Dear Phillip,

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Thank you for your prayers and supportive words.

Its almost 10 months and I'm still struggling. They say grief is like wave so I expect this to be my normal for a while yet.

Dear Lisa,

How are you? I hope your treatment is almost done.

Thinking of you. XO

Take care my friends.

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Hello everyone

It's kind of quiet here lately and hopefully that means that everyone is enjoying what is left of the summer.  I continue to miss my parents a lot which I doubt that will ever change because I will never stop loving them ... therefore I will continue to miss them until we meet again when it is my turn to be taken "home."

I believe that we are all just visitors here for awhile.... for the blink of an eye when we think of eternity.  In studying the Bible I know for certain the wonderful plan that lies ahead for all who believe.  

The other day at work I had an interesting conversation with some co-workers.  I was asked why I read the Bible.  I explained that it is the best History book ever written and that science is in agreement now with what Bible has to say.  Also that archaeologists are proving events in scripture to be true and accurate.   I don't get why more people don't read it ... if for nothing else to have an understanding of things like death and dying.  Until I read about this in the Bible, I feared death and didn't want to think about it or talk about it.  In reading it I was able to get through my parents passing in a way that I never thought possible.  That book has gotten me through every single terrible and difficult thing I've been up against.  There is so much more to life than what we have here and now.  I no longer fear death, nor do I feel total devastation in losing my parents because I KNOW that it only temporary.  My hope is that sharing this encourages others to pick up the Bible and read for themselves the promises made to us.  Yes, we will be sad for awhile, yes we will grieve our parent(s) leaving us, yes we will shed tears and feel lost but this is only for awhile.  May GOD bless you all with comfort and a desire to read HIS book which I call a "love letter to all of us."

Take care everyone .... love you guys......Cindy Jane

 

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Dear Cindy Jane,

Good to hear from you. Thank you for your kind and comforting words.

It is hard to believe half the summer is over. I really don't know where the time goes.

Take care my friend. With love and hugs to everyone.

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Hi all,

I want to thank this community for it's amazing support and the grace through which it functions.

It's very hard for me to believe that it has been a little over a year since the death of my mother. This past year has not been my most graceful and has been down and out trench warfare with my demons. I ran into trouble for the first time in my life and what scared me was that I didn't care at the time. I was still so angry at losing my mom at an early age that I lost all my perspective. I walked in shock for 6 months not quite believing others when they would say that the shock would fade. I don't know what it was, dogged stubborness, faith in the power that be, or survival instinct, probably a combination of all them, that kept me going. I am relieved to say that the shock does fade, and a new reality sets in. Honestly, that's where I am having trouble these days. I feel like such a bad person in saying this, that although I intensely miss my mother, I miss the life we all had more when she was alive. I don't know, maybe it is all the same. I guess what I am saying is that I miss my innocence, my ignorance of death. I have lost friends to tragedy and suicide before but the death of my mom shook me to the core. Right now I find that any news of death, be it in the media or wherever, I am struck by how lawless this life seems. Up until my mom's death I lived my life like an actor playing in a script. All my problems and my hopes and my successes were based on how I envisioned life ought to be. I played the role of myself. It often made me unhappy, but at least I thought there was a rhyme and reason to life- however narrowly I defined life. For better or for worse, my mom's death blew up that notion of a script. Never in a million years did I think I'd lose my mom at this early age- my playwright never thought his piece would turn out a tragedy. And for 6 months after her death I was angry and confused and I felt betrayed that life didn't work by the script I thought it would. All the while knowing that I was incredibly lucky to have such an amazing mother who in the end died peacefully surrounded by her entire family. My hypocrisy and guilt shamed me to make some stupid and rash decisions. My health took a hit. My career certainly did. But now I find myself slowly chipping away at a new understanding of things. I am trying to find my security again, or at least a new definition of security. A favorite quote from one of my favorite bands, "(death) will steal your innocence. But it will not steal your substance." I will certainly say my innocence is gone and it has left a hole in me. It has left a whole void in how I function and it feels like I am painfully learning how to walk again. I will liken it to somewhat (not entirely though) how one feels a void after they remove an addiction from their life. They have to relearn how to think and feel and react in everyday situations that were once natural. This is where I find myself these days. To refer back to the quote, I have battled my own demons and battled intrusive thoughts that seemed very real especially in the months after her death. But I find that this quote reminds me what I have always known. We all have such beautiful substance and we deserve to live it. Even as I find my depression often makes me believe I have nowhere to go but to sink, I have always been frustrated that I am also a very hopeful person. "This can't be it!!" I rage in my head when I am sinking. But I have no clue how to swim myself out of it. I will say this, with the loss of that innocence, my arms feel like a heavy weight has been lifted. And though right now they may be flailing about, sometime in the future they will begin to move like something that resembles a swimming stroke and they will propel me forward and up.

Thanks for letting me share. All my love to all, Dragonheart. 

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Dear Dragonheart,

Thank you for coming back and letting us know more about your journey.

That is my fervent wish for all us that we do learn to swim again and be able to move forward the best we can. Learn to build a new reality as it were.

I still cant' believe its been 10 months since my father passed. Its still a shock.

Take care of yourself. Please come by anytime to let us know how you are.

With love and hugs to all.

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It's after midnight.  Since mom died I stay up late, get up late, obsess about everything from what I eat to cleaning the home.  I watch endless tv series all just to take me away from the brutal sadness of loss.  I am stuck and lost and don't know how to turn my life around.  It's been 7 months now and coping mechanisms have only gotten stronger.  No one to talk to magnifies everything because all I have is my own madness.  Grief feels like Im loosing my mind.  On the outside I look normal.  I get up, I bathe, I dress, I eat, I clean etc...I greet people, I act normal.  On the inside I am crying and screaming.

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Dear @sadandlost

I'm very sorry to hear how you feel. I know its not easy. It is a terrible shock. I know people around us tell us to carry on and we can only do what we can do. I don't know where you live but have you considered talking with a grief counselor or a joining a support group. I know everyone is different and there is no right way to grieve. For myself, I try almost everything and anything. Our worlds just don't make sense after such a huge loss. Please know if you want to talk to someone, we are all here for you.

Take care of yourself. Sending you all my thoughts and prayers.

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23 hours ago, sadandlost said:

It's after midnight.  Since mom died I stay up late, get up late, obsess about everything from what I eat to cleaning the home.  I watch endless tv series all just to take me away from the brutal sadness of loss.  I am stuck and lost and don't know how to turn my life around.  It's been 7 months now and coping mechanisms have only gotten stronger.  No one to talk to magnifies everything because all I have is my own madness.  Grief feels like Im loosing my mind.  On the outside I look normal.  I get up, I bathe, I dress, I eat, I clean etc...I greet people, I act normal.  On the inside I am crying and screaming.

Im sorry for your loss...but I completely understand how you feel. For me, its been a year now that my mom has suddenly passed away, and I feel the very same way as you describe. I act and look "normal", but on the inside Im still incredibely hurting. I also have no one really to confide into, as honestly, a lot of people kind of expect you to move on by the one year mark, and that makes confiding in someone all that much harder. And my family suffers just as I do and a lot of the times I just dont want to worsen their own grief by dumping mine onto them...I try to be strong, for the sake of them and my own sanity, but it is very hard, even after all these months.

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It's been a little over a year since losing my dad unexpectedly. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. At least once a week something will happen or I'll read something and think "I should give dad a call and tell him..." I visited his grave for the first time last month when I was back visiting family and that was really hard, couldn't control the emotions! I am currently riding a rollercoaster of emotions and have good days and bad, lots of struggles...

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Dear Maya77 and LokeJr,

Thank you for sharing your experiences with us.

Its been 10 months since my father passed and it still feels surreal to me. I keep going back to what I could have done to prolong his life. Some days the emotions are still raw.

Take care my friends.

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Dear Maya77 and reader,

Thank you for your words.  Its helpful knowing that others still feel this way after a year.  It is so hard.  One can feel like you're in the twilight zone.  There is an emptiness that can never be filled.  I would like to know if others have developed coping mechanisms?  If so what they are?  Mine being binge watching tv series and obsessing about food and over eating.  I need to distract myself all the time otherwise its too much.

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Dear sadandlost,

I know its hard. Its like you said, we do have to find things to distract ourselves or the grief becomes all consuming and overwhelming.

I struggle to get out of bed most days, but work has been a saving grace. I try cooking classes, painting classes, just leaving the house to walk around the grocery store. I read a lot and try to find meaning in the loss if I can. I am so grateful for this community. Being able to read about others' experiences has also made a difference.

I guess it will be day by day for now. I too would love to know what others are doing to cope.

Take care of yourself.

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Sorry I forgot to add that I find these websites helpful in coping with my loss:

What's Your Grief

The Grief Healing Blog

 

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lost my father about 18 months ago.

losing him has been so hard on me one of the last things he said to me was thanks for not giving up on me son just makes me incredibly sad remembering that

just reading the comments here your all amazing people

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Dear Jeremy,

I am very sorry for your loss.

Grief is horrible journey that I wish none of had to take. I know its hard but also try to think of the good memories. I struggle with this too, but I hope to get better.

Take care of yourself.

 

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Dear dragonheart,

Thank you for your post.  So beautifully written and heart felt.  Thank you for your insights and I agree and can relate to all of them as I feel the same.  

I too lost friends in the past, close ones but nothing prepares you for loosing a mother.  We all know its going to happen, its a fact of life.  We don't know when its going to happen but as they get older its expected.  Even when its expected it doesn't make it anymore understandable than if it isn't.  Loss of innocence.  Yes.  Empty inside.  Walking around I carry my mother with me, I imagine she is there and I talk to her and tell her things every day.  Every day i wish she could answer or I could have a sign from her.  I too miss the life before when she was there.  Our bond, our relationship which was different to the rest of the family.  I knew things no one else knew. Whatever age you loose your mother, you become a child again.  I have always been very independent.  Leaving home young, living in other countries, traveling but my mother was always my roots.  We were very close.  Now I feel like my roots have been cut off and I am completely lost in life.  That strong brave independent spirit I had is gone.  I am just like a lost child.  Is it going to wear off I ask myself?  Will I be able to live again?  I have lost a significant friendship, my oldest girlfriend of more than 30 yrs because she was just not there for me in anyway when my mother died.  I haven't even begun to fully absorb that.  I have gradually let my career go over a period of 18 months when my mother first became ill, I couldn't focus on work so it diminished and sort of died like my mother.  I have lost confidence in myself as a person.  I have guilt that I should have helped my mother more.  The torture goes on...  So I understand how you feel dragonheart.  I have read your words and I am sorry too for your devastating loss.

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I just joined this forum. And happy to find it on the web. I lost my mom about 6 months ago. She lived to almost 95. And was independent up to about 3 months before she passed. She was starting to get dementia, had 3rd stage kidney failure and stenosis of the back, terrible arthritis. In December 2016 she was pushing a grocery cart and shopping. She moved to assisted living at the end of that year. A month later she gets pneumonia. Enters the hospital, she also had a urinary tract infection which is brutal for elderly folks. And from that point on I watched her slip away and die for 2 months every day. THe wonderful doctor released her from the hospital, she goes into a nursing home, a few hours after she enters the nursing home, they send her to the hospital again. Apparently, the doctor released her but she still had a urinary tract infection. During this whole time, she is out of it, doesn't know who I am, etc. She goes back into a nursing home a few days later, the next day they tell me she has to go into hospice. Not long after she died. Its been about 6 months, and every day for more watching her slip away was the most horrendous, brutal, devastating time of my life. I sobbed, wept, screamed, just emotionally devastating. I have an estranged sister I had been trying to contact, I finally found her phone number and she returned my call. I needed her support, as I have no other family members alive. I am it. She cruelly told me she didn't care if our mother died if anybody I loved died, and she wanted us out of her life. I was in the car at the time she called me. And I parked the car and was feeling like I got run over by a tank! My poor mother wanted to live so much. She would climb out of the hospital bed and try to escape. But she eventually passed. No one came to the funeral as there is no family but me. Every day was just like being in a front line of a war for me. But somehow I made it, feeling better now, still miss my mom so much, but looking forward to the future. Today, I swear I could feel her presence, everything about her. So I am just sharing my thoughts this morning. Great website! Glad I found it.

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Dear Bloom,

I am very sorry for your loss of your mom.  I am so sorry you have no one in your life.  Your sister sounds like mine!  Maybe they should get together.  My story is not that different to yours although my mother was younger and suffered for 2 years with dementia and then died in the hospital from repeated infections over several weeks.  I was grieving the loss of my relationship with my mother before she died for a year prior.  She still knew who I was but she had changed, dementia took over and the previous year was the most devastating of my life and I have been through a lot in my life.  Now she has been gone 6 months its a different pain a different loss.  I feel like you, where the thought of not speaking to her ever again is beyond anything I imagined.  I hoped she would go soon so she wouldn't suffer more loss of dignity and humiliation but when she did go, the pain was and still is unbearable.  I too am alone in life with an estranged sister.  I am so sorry for you Bloom.  I am here.  I understand and I am listening to what you have to say.

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Dear Bloom, I meant to say I am glad you're feeling a bit better and looking forward to the future. 

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2 hours ago, sadandlost said:

Dear Bloom, I meant to say I am glad you're feeling a bit better and looking forward to the future. 

Thank you so much for your reply Sadandlost. Yes, losing a loved one, and a mother especially, is so very difficult. I found myself driving in the car then suddenly screaming and shouting, crying, sobbing. Or watching TV and suddenly crying. Grief is no fun, but what choice do we have. Sorry about your mom, that experience sounds much more difficult than what I went through. It does get better eventually, day by day, little by little. I had a therapist help me for many months and I couldnt have gotten through it all with out her help. My sister, well, what can I say, there are no words to describe what she said and did to me. But I'm over that for the most part. After 6 months of grieving and several months of anticipatory grief before my mother died, I am beginning to feel better and hopeful for the future. Yesterday, I was thinking how tired I am of feeling sad and prefer to feel good and normal again. Today I woke up missing my mom, sad, but that disappeared and I feel fine as I write this. I also have a belief in a continual existence after this life ,so that gives me hope too. But yes, I wish I could see and talk to her once more. I am sure you know what I mean. I am here for you also. It does get better, little by little.

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