Everly

Loss of a parent - daily thread

2,314 posts in this topic

This is so hard.  I've been struggling so much lately.  The mornings are so hard.  I don't want to wake up and get out of bed.  I force myself each day to work.  I have a hard time concentrating.  With the exception of a few moments during the day, there is very little joy in my work.

I constantly (needlessly?) worry about my job performance.  I worry they will find out I'm struggling and let me go.  I try so hard to put a smile at work.  And yet I still have friends asking me why I look so unhappy.  They seem to forget that I'm depressed and lost my father.  It feels just like yesterday and yet everyone has forgotten and moved on.  I'm so tired of smiling.  Tired of worrying. I take things so personally at work.  Worried I've offended someone when I haven't.  Worried people don't like me and are tired of being around me.  I get into obsessive moments when I want to do massive self improvements.  Become a better manager.  Become a better presenter.  Become a better coach.  

Now, I just found out a department in the company will be laid off.  I'm not in that department but now I'm paranoid I might be next.  I question whether I should start looking for a new job.  Realistically, I'm probably better off riding it out.  I don't have the energy to start at a new company.  At least my current employer knows my situation and has been understanding. 

I really feel messed up.  I want to get counselling or a support group but I can't figure out how. My anxiety is crazy with all the stress.  I'm just so exhausted and I've been eating crap food.  I'm gaining weight as a result. 

Just so so tired

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14 hours ago, reader said:

Dear Cindy Jane,

Thank you for all your love and support. And all your comforting words to everyone.

Dear Luna,

I'm very sorry for your loss. I think loss affects the whole family. It is devastating. With my own siblings we mostly keep to ourselves. I do try and talk about my feelings with them but its very hard because they are dealing with their own lives. For months and maybe even for the first couple of years it takes time for everyone to wrap their minds and hearts around the loss. Its a surreal time. Please know whatever you are feeling is natural and normal. If its possible consider family counselling or joining a support group. It sometimes helps to be with others going through the same trauma.

Dear Inpain,

I know its very hard. We all the same thing and wish so badly to go back in time. I know its cold comfort but how could you have known? Even the most patient and understanding child cannot cope with all their parents needs and wants. I tried too and I know it hurts. I do the same thing and its been 7 months. I keep going back and forth about my dad before he died of heart failure. I blame myself. Its only normal. I know its easier said than done but we have to learn to forgive ourselves. I really don't know how long that takes, I am still learning. I'm so sorry for your pain and sorrow. Please know you are not alone. We will be here to listen and support you. Thinking of you.

Dear Athina,

Hard to believe we are going into our 8 month of grief. I am still struggling. Trying to move forward the best I can. Still feels horribly surreal. I know people pass every day, but why did it have to be my dad? I blame myself. I didn't take care of him as well as I should. I blame the stroke. The doctor. Anything and everyone. I keep thinking if only I can make it to 2018 but it still feels so far away.

Wishing all a happy Memorial Day weekend. With love and hugs.

Did you do anything similar like me?

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14 hours ago, reader said:

Dear Cindy Jane,

Thank you for all your love and support. And all your comforting words to everyone.

Dear Luna,

I'm very sorry for your loss. I think loss affects the whole family. It is devastating. With my own siblings we mostly keep to ourselves. I do try and talk about my feelings with them but its very hard because they are dealing with their own lives. For months and maybe even for the first couple of years it takes time for everyone to wrap their minds and hearts around the loss. Its a surreal time. Please know whatever you are feeling is natural and normal. If its possible consider family counselling or joining a support group. It sometimes helps to be with others going through the same trauma.

Dear Inpain,

I know its very hard. We all the same thing and wish so badly to go back in time. I know its cold comfort but how could you have known? Even the most patient and understanding child cannot cope with all their parents needs and wants. I tried too and I know it hurts. I do the same thing and its been 7 months. I keep going back and forth about my dad before he died of heart failure. I blame myself. Its only normal. I know its easier said than done but we have to learn to forgive ourselves. I really don't know how long that takes, I am still learning. I'm so sorry for your pain and sorrow. Please know you are not alone. We will be here to listen and support you. Thinking of you.

Dear Athina,

Hard to believe we are going into our 8 month of grief. I am still struggling. Trying to move forward the best I can. Still feels horribly surreal. I know people pass every day, but why did it have to be my dad? I blame myself. I didn't take care of him as well as I should. I blame the stroke. The doctor. Anything and everyone. I keep thinking if only I can make it to 2018 but it still feels so far away.

Wishing all a happy Memorial Day weekend. With love and hugs.

Dear Reader

did you do anything similar like me?

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Dear Inpain,

Yes, I did. My father was a smoker for as long as I could remember. I asked him to stop as a teenager but he wouldn't. He had a minor heart attack in my early 20s. I remember just watching him sleep on the sofa instead of calling 911 but he survived. He went to see a cardiologist but didn't want any treatment. For the life of me, I don't know why I didn't nag  dad to see the doctor more regularly. I just left him be and we had carried on another 20 years till his stroke. He survived again. But three years later he passed away.

The year before he passed I could see he was not eating or drinking as much. I could see him getting grumpy. He started to refuse his meds, his showers, but it never dawned on me that something was wrong. I would even say "do you need to go to the hospital?" He would angrily say no to me. But instead of being aggressive and taking control and just calling the ambulance, I let him be. It was a fatal mistake. By the time, I took him to the hospital he died one week later. Now I think the meds they gave him at the hospital speeded up his death. My one sibling lived across the country, she never made it home to see him.

We all have these terrible regrets and suffer with guilt. As daughters we have the burden of caring our parents. We tried to do what we thought was right, but how could we have even known? I am sure if we had a crystal ball, we would have done something differently. I desperately wish I had. Yes, I was frustrated and annoyed as well, but I never, ever wanted to hurt my dad. Never. Now its too late and I have to deal with the pain and sorrow. I currently hate my new reality. Where is my dad? He should be alive? But he isn't.

Sending you love and hugs. Because I know it hurts. And its only natural we are replaying the last moments over and over, its part of the grief journey. I hate it, myself. Try to be kind to yourself.

Dear Dgiirl,

I'm very sorry to hear about your struggle as well. Thinking of you. Sending you love and hugs as well.

 

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@Luna1 with everyone in your family grieving and everyone processing it in their own way, it's normal for those emotions to ricochet off one another.  I think the best defense for that would be to calmly remind each other that you're all experiencing so much and it isn't anyone's fault, you're all just in pain and trying to find your way out.  Sometimes we need a little nudge to break out of that shell long enough to see how our pain is being directed at others who are no better off than ourselves.  You can let them know you're there for them and to please not take it out on you.  

@Dgiirl I was recently looking into online therapy.  Maybe that would be a good fit for you?  If you Google it, the first one that comes up has you fill out a questionnaire so they can match you with the right therapist, but they also let you switch therapists if you're not happy with the one you're matched with.  I liked the convenience of doing it from home and forming your own schedule that way.  People do act like after a short time frame you should be getting better.  Part of me wants to tell them just how horrible a loss like this is, but the other part finds that exhausting.  Until they go through it, they just don't know.  You're not obligated to smile for anyone.  Though I completely understand how much easier it is on yourself to just pretend instead of get into it. 

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Dear Friends,

Hard to believe its already June 1st. Where does the time go?

LisaK - How are you? Sending you all my thoughts and prayers.

Athina - Hard to believe it will almost be 8 months since our parents passed away. I'm still struggling with my new reality. I keep going forward in hopes of seeing 2018

Cindy Jane - Thank you again for all your comforting words and support.

Wishing everyone well. With love and hugs.

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Good morning everyone

Thanks to all of you for sharing your feelings around the loss of your parent.  For me, talking about losing my parents somehow validated the feelings I was going through and that is a part of the healing process....so I am grateful that we have this site to help us get through our losses.  

The subject of guilt is an interesting one that I think many of us go through after such a loss.  I think that we all could look back and find things that we wish we had done differently.  Things that we should not have said ... things that we wish we had said .... things we wish we had done differently ... and on and on.  The important thing we have to remember is that we are human!  We are NOT perfect and never will be.  Beating ourselves up is something that none of our parents would want and it serves no purpose other than bringing us more down than we are.  Any time guilt would hit, I would quickly dismiss those feelings and focus on the good things in having them for parents.

Take care everyone

Cindy Jane

 

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Dear Cindy Jane,

Thank you for sharing your kind and gentle advice around guilt. It is such a tough feeling to have, but I'm going to try.

We are human and we do have to try to remember some of the good things we did for our parents and the good things they did for us. No one's life is perfect. And no one behaves perfectly all the time.

Thank you as always for your kind support.

Hoping the weekend is a little better for everyone.

Take care my friends.

 

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Hello Everyone and welcome to all the newcomers.

Cindy Jane you said it very well about guilt. Thanks for sharing. It's been over two years and I still feel guilty. Even though I think of the good times with mom, immediately I'll feel the guilt come on. I think guilt will follow me everywhere I go. And you are absolutely right. We are humans and we are not perfect.

I hope everyone is doing well. Grief is taking it one day at a time. Step by step. We will go through this journey together with love and support.

LOVE AND HUGS, MAY

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Hi May,

Thank you for your encouraging words.

Hard to believe we are halfway through June.  I hope everyone is well.

LisaK - Thinking of you.

Athina - I can't believe its been 8 months since our parents passed.

Take care my friends. Hope the coming week is a good one.

Sending love and hugs.

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@reader, hard to believe so much time (and not so much on the other hand) has gone. It seems I have just heard my mom's voice and she was all here. Somehow deep inside it still feels we will meet and catch up to what she has missed. I usually have random thoughts about her, these thoughts have become part of my daily routine. But I have started to avoid thinking about what happened in depth because it is still seems like another lifetime.

We are traveling in Southeast Asia right now and god my mother is missing life. I am the saddest person in the world.

sending you all good thoughts and prayers.

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Dear Athina,

I know what you mean. I still expect to see my dad sitting in the living room or dining room. I am still horribly angry about his passing.

Take care my friend. Safe travels.

Sending love and hugs to everyone.

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Hi all,

With it being Father's Day weekend, I know it will be a tough one for many of us.

Sending you all love and hugs.

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