Everly

Loss of a parent - daily thread

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I am new here and just feel like I need some support. Hello to everyone and I am sorry we all have to be here.  My dad died two weeks ago. He was 82, so not like he was a young man or anything. He was sick for four weeks and died. I am blessed to have had him all these years. He also was someone who would have never tolerated being debilitated, so it was better he died at 82 than live to 90 sick and frail. He was healthy right up until he was hospitalized and even then, was with it and talking a little until a few hours before he died.  

In the scheme of things, I know he lived to see all the milestones there were. Marriage, careers, grandbabies. There are such worse tragedies than an 82-year-old man dying. He lived a long, good life, had strong faith was not afraid. So, with all this perspective, why can’t I sop feeling so lost and sad? What did I expect him to live forever?  I am almost 50, so I had him for years. I have cried every day, have no energy and zero motivation to do anything. All I can think is with each day, I am one day closer to seeing him again when I die. That’s insane. I am married and have two kids. I did not get 82 years yet like he did. I seem to know things logically, but I can’t help feeling so lost. Does it ease up?

I just can’t get over the fact, I’ll never talk to him here on earth again. Well enough of my rambling. I just wanted to connect with others who may understand.

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Missdad, I'm very sorry for your loss.  The death of a beloved father is devastating, even under the best of circumstances, because it is the loss of a very special relationship that can never be replaced.  We have known and loved our fathers for as long as we were alive.  Life does not make sense without them.  However, because our minds have evolved to deal with great suffering and loss, we are more resilient than we realize.  Once we process the grief by crying, thinking, talking and writing about it, the pain will gradually become less over time.  We will always miss our dads and from time to time our hearts will ache with yearning for them, but gradually we will resign ourselves to our new reality.  Two years after my father's death, I am still not happy in this world without him, but I don't have much choice but to carry on the best I can and see what the future holds.  Since I have no husband or children, no one loves or needs me as much as my dad did.  You are blessed to have a husband and children who need you.  While no one can substitute for a loving father, your family still loves you and gives your life meaning.  You currently feel lost and empty, because it takes time to deal with one of the most difficult experiences in life.

It's hard to live without love, but lots of people manage somehow.  Some people never find the love of their lives.  Love can come at any time and go at any time.  I think if we do our best to avoid mean people and try to seek out kind people, and to be grateful for the loved ones we have left, if any, then life does start to have meaning again.  As we get older, more and more people are dealing with the same loss, so we are not truly alone in our grief.  It is good to seek out grief support groups in person and forums like this one.  I wish you and everyone here the best as we try to survive without our precious parents.  

Love and hugs to all...

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Missdad, Welcome.  I'm very sorry for your loss.  Great sadness can override perspective when you have that much love for someone.  Loss is tragic at any age, or after any life.  We'll never be ready to lose a parent, and despite the circumstances, there will always be tremendous grief when we do.  Obviously deep down we know we can't have them forever, but we hope that day will never come.  It's a lot to absorb and what follows is a very different life to adjust to.  I think it's normal to want to rationalize, b/c acceptance is certainly much, much easier than grieving, but love unavoidably amounts to grief during these times.  And I don't need to tell you that grief absolutely sucks.  

I've noticed that now two days shy of the two month mark of my mom's passing that it isn't hitting me quite as hard.  It's still devastating, still far too soon not to be.  But that almost torturous shock when you realize, yet again, what happened has eased up a bit.  I expect another couple months will be even a little less jarring.  I think you'll always bare that wound, but with time it'll soften.  The first couple weeks I couldn't do anything but think about my mom.  I couldn't even turn on the TV til almost a month had passed.  As time passes there will be a number of a little things like that, maybe things too small to really notice.  Like, I don't want to water the plants b/c I feel too lost, turned into, okay I'll water the plants but I'm going to think about my mom as I do it, and now I can just get up and water the plants.  Very, very small things, but small is still progress.  I imagine in time those small things add up.  

Take it easy and be forgiving of yourself.  You're going through a lot right now, and it's no quick or easy process.  Everything you're feeling, it's okay to really feel.  

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@The Girl I never thought of how I was able to give my mom what my kids gave to me. Thanks for that. I guess if my kids were older I wouldn't have expected them to do something different besides just being there for me to hug and kiss. 

I hope entertaining friends isn't too taxing on you. I remember feeling the same way as you after my moms passing. Don't wanting to entertain people but also wanting some feeling of normalcy. My mother died 5 days before Christmas Eve last year. While we only got with immediate family for Christmas Day we all did our own thing for New Year's Eve. We had people over bc we had a newborn so it was easier for our friends to come to us than it was for us to go to them. I didn't want company and I didn't care to see what happiness others had while I was in pain. While a small part welcomed the distraction I mostly did it for my husband. Although he was my greatest supporter he needed a break for the sorrow that had taken over our house. 

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Thanks for the comments. I am so sorry for everyone’s loss.

Mission Blue: Thank you for your words. It helps to “talk” to others who are going through the same thing. My husband is great, but his parents are alive, so he does not get it. I don’t like to cry with my friends, so it’s easier to just isolate as much as possible.

The Girl: Your loss is very recent too, so I am glad to hear it is hitting you a little less hard.

I think you’re right. No matter what the age and situation, it’s just hard. I thought I was doing a bit better for a day and yesterday I was just so depressed and crying. I have a few crying jags every day. I went back to work two days ago, and that is so hard. Being home I thought I was making some progress. But back into reality I have to keep it together but I have an empty feeling while I am doing whatever I need to do at work, in meetings or whatever.

It will be three weeks, so I know that’s pretty recent. I’m glad to hear, it eases some. I know we will always miss our parents, but I just want this emptiness to ease. Yet when I have an hour of feeling decent, I feel bad like my dad will think I forgot him. Grief is weird and causes all these surprising feelings.

 

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ELiz, guests, Christmas, and a newborn is a lot to stack onto such a loss.  It feels like anything can trigger those emotions, and everything is so exhausting anyway.  I'd be very welcoming of any normalcy, and I think I really believed by now there could be those moments.  Now that visitors are fast approaching I'm realizing I'm nowhere near ready.  It's hard to deny the significant others a break from the monotony of what we're going through.  Part of me thinks he's lucky it's not him and whatever he's dealing with regarding my depression and isolation pales in comparison, but then another part feels bad telling him he can't see people.  We haven't lived here long enough to have forged many real friendships.  This first visit will be his dad and stepmom.  I couldn't say no to that.  I was going to have him hold off on our friends visiting 2 weeks following that, but didn't tell him before he made the final arrangements.  It's just going to be exhausting.  

missdad, there will likely be a lot of jumping around between emotions.  It's hard enough on its own but when you have to be somewhere where you're expected to be normal, it's that much more exhausting trying to keep up.  It's like you have to put so much energy into pretending things are normal and in trying to concentrate, that once you drag yourself back home you either want to crash or cry, or both.  

I know exactly what you mean about feeling guilty if they're not on your mind.  I've had to tell myself my mom can't actually read my thoughts, and it's okay to let my mind rest.  There were times where the sadness and desperation to have her back felt so intense that it felt like any more and I'd go crazy.  At that point I started letting my mind wander more.  Giving into distractions seemed to help some.  It's like by letting my mind take breaks I was able to let go of some stress and process everything better.  

I really hope things get a little easier for you.  I don't know when that empty feeling goes away.  Only that after awhile the tears feel a little less urgent and the emotions overall get a little less dramatic.  

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Hello everyone ... it's been awhile since I've stopped in here and wanted to check in and hopefully provide some support.  Although it's been 3 1/2 years since losing my mom and 2 1/2 years since losing my dad ... I remember well the pain of losing them.  

Although the reasons that we come here is because we've lost someone special and very dear to us, I am glad that people find their way to this site because the caring and support here really helps.

missdad ... I can relate to your post.  Both of my parents were blessed with long, and for the most part healthy lives.  Let me tell you that it is always too soon to lose people we love so much.  Like you, I am so grateful that I had my parents for as long as I did but the loss remains HUGE and the grief is difficult to get through.  I love that you are able to see the blessing through your loss.  That is what will get you through this difficult time.  You asked why you can't stop feeling so sad and lost.  For me, it was the same as well as it is for many others.  I believe this is because of the great love that we have for our parents.  The pain that we experience in losing them is the price we pay for that love and eventually I came to realise that through my sadness, the thing that stands out is that deep love.  Also, I too was able to see things to be grateful for.  When people we love leave us, it really stings but the good news is that like you say, we WILL be reunited again when it is our turn to go "home."  Until then I try my hardest to honour my parents in being the best person that I can be.  Although the void will always remain with us, in time the pain will lighten and when you think of your dad it won't hurt so much.  Me....when the sadness of missing my parents hits I always look at the blessings and that really helps.  Hang in there my friend....it does get easier with time.

MissionBlue, Silverkitties & others who have been here since I came a few years ago, I am so happy that you still come here and support those going through a loss.  I can't tell you how much you helped me!  

Life is getting busier for me as I go through rehab following the knee replacement last September.  I am seeing all kinds of improvements and am hoping to get back to work in the next couple of months.  It's been a long process but gratefully things are getting better.

Take care everyone and know that you are in my prayers with these difficult times.  GOD bless.

love

Cindy Jane

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Cindy Jane: Thank you so much for your words. It does help to come here and get encouragement from people who are further through the process. It’s only been three weeks today and I think I have longer periods of time when the sadness is not so overwhelming. I still think of him all the time, but I am so thankful to hear the pain decreases. My husband has said similar to what you mentioned. It’s so hard to lose someone because of the love we have. How lucky are we to have people we love! Sure, it hurts like crazy when we lose someone, but living a life without such love is even sadder. Thank you again!

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Dear Cindy Jane:

It's always good to hear from you!  I'm glad to hear that your knee is improving.  I can sympathize more than ever with what you are going through, because I recently injured my left knee.  I was going up a step and suddenly heard a pop in my knee and felt terrible pain.  It couldn't come at a worse time, when I am trying to clear things out of my house so I can sell it.  Life is full of challenges.

Wishing you a full recovery.  You are in my prayers.  Happy Easter to you and to everyone!

Love and hugs,

MissionBlue

 

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Been in my head a lot lately, so thought would try something like this, at least if not to see others who have experienced a loss like mine.

My father was killed (in his 50s) when I was 15 years old, suddenly, by a drunk driver who missed one guy on his bicycle and then hit my dad which killed him instantly, then drove off, reporting his van stolen. He only got a small amount of time in jail, after he was finally caught, 2-3 years I think it was, funny people who do smaller acts get more time. I'm 28 now. But have had an anxiety disorder since I was 17, once I left school and I had no schedule and couldn't just ignore the fact that he was gone, though I still don't really know how to "Grief" as when people bring it up i change the subject. I feel like I give a little but not much/ enough so they will be happy, kind of thing. I think what is worse is everyday knowing he won't ever come back as it is like everyday it happens again and you wake up realizing what happened, happened and it can't be changed, and the memories fade a lil every day, like you can't even remember the sound of their voice.

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Hello friends and new people. Hope you are all doing good considering. I've been good myself but know it's about to go south with Mother's Day coming up. It'll be my first Mother's Day ever without my mom. I already know I'm going to be a mess. Today I was joking at dinner table bc everyone was eating their warm dinner while I was tending to the baby as always. More often then not I'm last to eat and food is usually cold by time I get to it. Typical mom. Well I jokingly said, "this is why moms get better gifts at Mother's Day" jokingly referring to moms always catering to everyone else. Well husband joking said, "well you kids better get her something because she's not my mom." My kids are 2 years old and other is 7 months old. I'm not expecting him to buy me Mother's Day presents. I'm not HIS mother. Even though in my family that doesn't matter. The dads in my family always have the kids buy mommy something nice for Mother's Day from them (with dads money of course). It's just part of our upbringing. He sees it differently. Whatever I guess. But I guess that comment really bugged me today bc he knows how horrible Mother's Days will be for me from now on. Especially this first one. I don't know if I'm just being overly sensitive bc of the circumstances and/or because I expect my husband to make this day special for me because of how hard it'll be for me. At least that's what I would do if the roles were reversed. Then again he's no where close to his parents as I was/am with mines.

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Dear ELiz:  I don't think you are being overly sensitive.  I hope your husband was just joking and that he will get you a nice Mother's Day present.  You deserve it and it is time to bring the focus of the holiday onto you and not just your late mom.  It's good you dropped the hint, but it's my understanding that not all men are good at giving presents or remembering anniversaries or offering sweet tokens of love which romantic women adore.  Some men think working hard and just being with you shows their devotion.  If he does forget to buy you a gift, then I would suggest your doing something special for yourself that day.  Treat yourself to some nice jewelry,  flowers or candy (or all three!) -- maybe he'll learn by example.  “Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” ― Alexander Pope

Even some really nice men, like my dad, never learned to give gifts, because of growing up poor or whatever reason.  My dad bought me toys when I was a small child, but once I was older, he didn't buy me gifts or cards on my birthday or at Christmas, because he knew that I knew that he loved me.  We'd give each other things all year long.  However, he would buy me birthday cakes which we enjoyed together.  If my half brother took me out to dinner for my birthday, my dad would often pay.  Since we had  joint checking and credit accounts, my dad would let me buy myself whatever I wanted. 

Dear Girl Biohazard, I'm very sorry about the tragic loss of your father at such a young age.   I suffered from anxiety after the death of my father, even though I am much older than you and he died of natural causes at 86.  It is never easy to lose a beloved parent, but far more traumatic when the death is sudden and unexpected.  I wish you the best and I sincerely hope that you find solace on this forum. 

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@ELiz, I am also dreading Mother's day. 

I don't know why it is not any easier for me. Now usually I have very real dreams where I am doing something normal with my mom and every morning I have to wake up to this horrible reality. I cannot do this. 

I really do hope it will get easier at some point. But now, I just look at my baby girl and my heart breaks. I am so fucking angry that my mom misses it all. 

 

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Hello everyone ... wanted to stop in and say HAPPEASTEweekend to all of you.

Athina ... hugs my friend.  It really does get easier with time.  Grieving is something that there is no set time of getting through.  We will always love and miss our parent(s) when they leave us, and we will continue to miss them until we meet them again.  Until then we have our memories and in time those get easier too.  It's been 4 years since my mom was called "home" and 3 years since my dad was taken "home."  Today would have been my dad's birthday.  When I think about my parents, it still brings sadness over me in missing them, but at the same time also a sense of comfort and even happiness in having them for my parents.  Yep, for me it's taken plenty of tears and time that brought me to where I am at today.  

It is weekends like this that we all miss our parent(s).  They made weekends like Easter ... and Christmas ... and birthdays ... and Thanksgiving...etc. so special.  It's just not the same without them but THANK GOD for those years of memories...those are something that we get to keep.  

I'd enjoy hearing what all of you have planned for this weekend.  Hopefully some time with family or friends.  My room-mate is having her entire family over (15 people) for Easter dinner on Saturday....turkey, ham, cabbage rolls and all of the fixin's.  I am grateful to be a part of this and help her prepare for the gathering.  

A good day to ALL

bye now

Cindy Jane

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Hello Everyone and to the newbies, welcome aboard.

I haven't been here awhile for I have been very busy. I just want to come here and say "Happy Easter" to each of you. For some of us, there's nothing Happy. This would be the 2nd year without my mom. I wish you peace and comfort.

With Love and Hugs, May

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@MissionBlue That is a good idea. I think  I will treat myself to something nice for Mother's Day. I don't expect fancy presents from my husband. I know I'm not his mother but some extra recognition on a very hard day would go a longs way. 

@Athina I completely understand that anger when I see my children too. It's not fair that they were robbed on their grandmother. On Mother's Day I will be boycotting social media and all reminder of others celebrating Mother's Day with their mothers.

 

@MayFGL Happy Easter to you as well. This was a hard Easter for sure. First without my mother. I took her flowers Easter morning. I hadn't cried over my mother for a while before I went over Sunday. As soon as I got to her grave site I broke down. I surely miss her famous seafood soup she made every Good Friday. As I visited her on Sunday morning, I thought that she would have gotten up that morning getting ready for church. She got especially excited about holiday services. I thought about how she didn't get to spend it with my daughter's first Easter. I had to prepare family dinner and attempted to make one of her dishes. It of course wasn't the same. It never will.

 

Hope everyone else is doing well. I haven't seen a couple of you in a while.

So very weird thing happened at work today. A new staff member joined our team this morning. And guess what? She has same name as my mother. A VERY uncommon name around here. She's also from the same country as my mother. She looked about 10 years younger than my mother. She had A LOT of same features as my mother such as body frame and eyes. I was like what the heck?! It felt so eery. The entire time in staff meeting I found myself either trying to avoid her and when I looked at her my heart just ached. What are the odds that a person with same name, from same country and similar features as my mother had to come work at our office of all places in town?!

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Happy Easter everyone. My father is visiting us and we both tried to prepare meals for Easter and we both fell short of knowledge. We could not figure out how my mom used to make some special salad. Seriously, how could I have been so stupid to never ask her??? 

@ELiz, that sounds more than strange what has happened to you at work. Seriously. When you have a chance, tell us more. 

Hugs everyone.

@reader, how are you doing?

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Hi Athina,

Thank you for asking. Its hard to believe its been 6 months since our beloved parents have passed. I am still struggling with the loss. Some days I feel okay and others knock me down. I am going to counselling but I feel I am too negative about it. Because in the end, no matter what is said or done, nothing will bring my father back. I don't know how to make sense of it.  Normally at Easter we would all gather and have dinner with my father but this year I was away. I am still dreading the remainder of the year. See how the rest of they unfolds. Thank you again for checking in, my friend.

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Hello Everyone:

A lot of us are struggling with guilt feelings since the death of our beloved parents.  This is a normal part of the grief process and it doesn't necessarily mean we deserve to feel guilty.  I found the following article which was comforting to me, especially the comments section, because it shows how other people struggle with the same feelings of guilt and regret:

http://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-and-grief-2/

Some of the experiences discussed are truly poignant, which goes to show that things could always be worse if not just as bad as what we had to go through.  Of course, I wish that none of us had to suffer through these painful emotions, but it is easier knowing that others understand and have felt the same way.

Love and hugs to all......

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Hi Everyone,

That's incredible about your coworker, ELiz! What are the odds of that?! I remember reading an article about signs from your beloved ones. If you see someone that looks like them it's because they're trying to communicate with you. They are trying to say that they are okay. That's all I remember about that article. I wished I remember all of it, but these days my memory is so bad.

I would feel the same way you did. Not believing what I'm really seeing that reminds me everything of my mom. I would have to keep taking double takes. Like you said, it's eerie! 

Love and Hugs, May

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Hello Everyone, 

I am so glad to find a source of support.

I am coming up on my moms one year anniversary and I am still in disbelief that my best friend is gone. She passed from lung cancer. I attended my aunts birthday party today who is also like a mom to me growing up and found out she also is in stage 4 of esophageal cancer with a life expectancy of 5 weeks to 5 months. To make matters worse, she told me that my mom had told her that she had cancer many years before we, our family found out about it. I am devastated. I thought my mom and I were closer than that...I don't understand why she would keep this vital information from me.

I am dealing with a lot of emotions today and so thank you for allowing me to have a source to express my frustration, disbelief and overall grief. 

Love and Hugs to all on this forum!

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Welcome, alycejins:  I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved mom and the impending loss of your dear aunt.  My cousin's partner's mom was diagnosed with multiple myeloma and she didn't tell her daughter until she was on her death bed.  Some parents don't want to see their children suffer with them through their illness, so they keep it a secret for as long as they can.  My cousin's partner was devastated when she found out and it hurt her more to lose her mother so soon and unexpectedly without being able to emotionally prepare herself.  Her mother meant no harm, of course;  she was just being protective of her daughter.  I think some people are naturally more stoic. 

I hope you will find this forum as helpful and supportive as I have.  Take care and feel free to share whatever you are feeling here.  We all understand and care.

With love and hugs to you and to everyone here.....

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alycejns .... Sorry about the loss of your mom and the illness of your aunt.  MissionBlue is absolutely right, some parents are wanting to protect their children by not telling them.  Those anniversary dates are tough because they bring on a flood of memories that remind us just how much we miss our loved one.  It takes time but eventually the pain in losing a loved one begins to lighten and we see those memories in a different light.  They become a testimony of the great love between a parent and child.  I hope this helps.  Take care.

Cindy Jane

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MissDad... it doesn't matter how old your Dad was in fact maybe when they are older it's that much harder.  I think we grow to appreciate life so much more, and the relationships we have with our parents are so precious.  My Mom was 80yo 2.5yrs ago and we lost her after she took a new medicine and it made her sick and she ended up having a fatal stroke.  It's still so hard to write these words.  I am still lost and broken from it.  I miss my Mom so much every day... I realize now she was probably one of the only friends I had.  I'm sure it feels the same way with your Dad :(  I'm so sorry about you losing him :( 

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