Everly

Loss of a parent - daily thread

2,314 posts in this topic

Dear MissionBlue:

Thank you for the link. It is enlightening article. And as always for your kind words. You are so right, it is cruel to tell someone to post somewhere else. This forum has been so welcoming to newbies. And a life line for me. The understanding and compassion I have received has been very helpful. I think we should all carry on the way we have. I think there is room for so many voices. We are all welcome to start our own threads if need be to meet our own needs.

Dear Nikki

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your grandfather. I'm so sorry for your loss. You are an amazing woman for trying to support your grandmother but also your young family. I hope your husband will be able to be come for the service. In these difficult times we need all the love and support from our friends and family members to hold us up. Grief is a terrible journey. I hope you can access some community resources, consider counseling or joining a support group that will assist you in some way. I know its not easy. Thinking of you and your family. Please continue to posts here and express yourself as much as you want.

Dear Dgiirl

Please no worries. I think this is the best thing about this board. There is no pressure to reply all the time. There is no wrong way or right way to grieve. Sorry to hear about the rough week you are going through. I think this is what grief does to all us. I sometimes feel I have made some progress forward after my dad's passing. Then there will be a moment of intense pain that hits and I can't believe he is really gone. And I ask myself, how did this happen? How can I still be living and my dad is dead? And then I go through the blame game all over again, feeling like I let him down, like I killed him with my poor care. I'm also sorry to hear about the issues with your mom and new team member. Life is not easy. We must all do what we can to protect ourselves from further pain and heartache if possible.

Dear Lisa K

Thank you for your warm welcome! Thinking of you during your treatments. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

MayFLG Thank you for responding. I'm sorry about your mother. I agree with you that nothing can ever replace mom. I'm surrounded by amazing loved ones on a daily basis and we always have something going on. But nonetheless, feel very alone. Being surrounded by loved one and having family events are just reminders of things my mom is missing out on. My aunt recently came to visit from out of the country. My mom hasn't seen her and at least 10 years. As the family gathered for a welcoming dinner instead of being happy that the family gathered, I was sad at all that my mom missed out on. Made me sad she didn't get to see my aunt one last time. Made me angry that she was robbed of all family memories. 

 

Silverkitties  Wow, you and your mom made many wonderful memories at many neat places! What a wonderful blessing. I love to travel but never really had the income to travel too far from home. But 2 years ago I landed a great career job and started making some good money. Since then I had two kids and didn't have the time just quite yet to travel. I had so many plans to finally get to traveling with my mom this year. Angers me so much that when I finally got to a place to spoil and treat my mom she was taken from me. She worked SO hard to give me the best life she could considering she had low paying jobs her entire life. Nonetheless she managed to pay my way through college to insure I had a better future than her. This was my time to repay her. To finally give my mom the things she never got for herself because she was always sacrificing for her children. She was finally going to enjoy the fruits of her labor and it was all taken from her. From me. 

 

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Reader, I too am struggling with the thought of life without my Dad.  Although we lived 3hours away, and rarely saw each other, he was always my rock.  I could go to him with no fear of judgement or anything being held over me.  Life without him does indeed feel empty.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear Dgiirl and ELiz,

I can relate to the anger of not having our beloved parents present to share in family gatherings. And the ability now as adults to spoil our parent for the sacrifices they made for us. For returning all the love they showed us. I too wanted my dad to have more time. To see his grandchildren grow up more. To have more family dinners. Its so hard to accept I have to keep living without him. I was never going to be ready for the day that my dad was no longer part of this earth. I know its horrible thing to say, but sometimes I wish I was the one in the ground and not my dad. But I know that is not what he would have wanted. He always told me I had to learn to take care of myself, learn to find things because he wouldn't always be there. He raised an independent daughter but that doesn't mean I still didn't need his presence. But it hurts not being able to do anything for him now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Everyone--- Silverkitties, MissionBlue, Reader, Lisa, Cindy, Belle, Athina, ELiz, Dgirl and newbies.

Lisa: I'm doing okay. Think of you alot. How are your treatments coming along? We are with you spiritually. When it's all said and done, you will be a survivor of breast cancer. That is my wish. No, that is what we ALL wish for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you always. 

Silver: Are you feeling better? I'm glad you found the Nyquil. Thank you for your responds to MsPak, well said. I wish that I can express in words like you can. So expertly done! I certainly had my share being an offender, too. Where would we be if we didn't have this forum? It's like getting away with murder. I don't think there's another sight that would allow such behavior. We would've surly been kicked out long ago. How's your dad? Last time you said the doctors didn't give him food. Is he allowed to eat solids now?

Mission: I'm with Silver. I sincerely hope that you and Ernesto do end up together. Once everything is settled, maybe he will change his mind and stay with you instead. When I went to see my doctor the other day, she asked me if I had a significant other. I told her I'm not looking or interested and besides who'd want a handicap person. In my books, I'm already considered old. ;) Your lengthy posts never bothered me. I love reading them. Love when you tell us about articles you found. I'm going to check out the stories/book about the afterlife.

Reader: Guilt. I still have those feelings. I went to a funeral yesterday and saw a friend of mine that I hadn't seen in a long time. Funerals are the only time you see friends you haven't seen in a long time. After he funeral, at the restaurant, my friend asked about my mom which she didn't know she had passed. I told her my feelings of guilt and I felt my my voice shaking on the verge of tears. She told me not to feel that way. Taking care of your mom you've already given 100%, your mom knows you were there for her. She's very proud of you. I don't think that guilt feeling will subside any time soon.

ELiz: Thank you. I'm surrounded by family everyday and not having mom here with me, the puzzle is not complete and it never will be complete. I know what you mean when family hasn't seen each other in years. My brother who lives in California and haven't seen mom over 10 years. He finally came in 2014 surprising mom. He came the day after mom had the massive stroke. My brother didn't come because he had health issues with his leg and he didn't want mom to know about it. He didn't want her to worry. I wish I had just one more day with mom....just one more.  

Dgirl: I'm glad that you are here. I'm sorry that you've had a rough week. Please know that this group this group will support you no matter if you reply or not. Don't feel that you have to reply. Don't feel like you would be interrupting a conversation if you want to post. Please don't worry about it. Everyone here is very welcoming. This is why I love it here. 

Nikki: Welcome! Please accept my deepest condolences for your loss. You are an automatic member of a club that no one wants to join. I really do hope that your husband makes it to your grandfather's memorial. You are an awesome individual. You're there for your young children and grandmother all by yourself while you're grieving yourself. It's not easy. I commend you for that.  

Love and Hugs, May

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear MayFGL,

Funerals are so difficult. But I'm starting to feel at this stage in life the only time I see my whole family is at funerals or weddings. I only have one surviving grandparent. I honestly don't know what will happen once she passes, if our family will even get together after that.

I think  us women in general tend to hold onto guilt a lot longer. Me too. Everyone has given the right words, comforting words, but I still hang onto the guilt that I could have saved my dad. Its not reasonable, but I honestly feel I could have done something different. Been kinder. Been gentler. Smarter. The list just goes on and on. But your friend is absolutely right. May you did so much for your mom. Even after your stroke, you gave and gave and gave. You were honorable, decent and loving. Your mother was extremely fortunate to have YOU. You are an amazing person. I think you did more than anyone else in the family. I'm sure your mom knew that.

I find Chinese people are not good at giving the people in their lives the right words. My dad never told me, but with his actions he did. Even the second last day before he died, we had lunch together, he tried to make sure I had something to eat. We were lucky. We had parents that loved us. And it hurts knowing we can never have another day with them. I saw my dad at the cemetery today. Seeing his picture on the tombstone, I couldn't stop crying. It was finally installed a month ago. I couldn't bring myself to look at it. It was just another reminder he was really gone.

Watching a bit of the Oscars tonight. Viola Davis gave such a moving speech. Thanking her parents. Her husband and daughter for being her foundation.

Love and hugs to all. Hoping the week ahead is a better one.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear Reader:

Thank you for mentioning Viola Davis' acceptance speech -- what a beautiful tribute to her parents and all the other wonderful people in her life.   My dad and I used to watch the Oscars pretty much every year, but since his passing I haven't, because it's just not the same without him.  But you picqued my curiosity, so I checked out her speech on YouTube. I'm glad I didn't miss that. I was moved to tears. 

Your message has me crying, too, not just for myself, but for all of us who still harbor guilt feelings over our loved ones who have passed.  I wish I had been kinder and gentler with my dad, too.   He knew I loved him, but living for years and years without much of a life of my own was difficult at times.  And then when I finally resigned myself to my destiny, he died only a short time later.  Now I have this new destiny that I don't even want anymore.  At this point, I no longer care if I ever win a man's love.  I just want my dad back.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The funeral I went to was my friend's mother, Reader. She died from lymphoma. He just lost his wife less than year ago to suicide. They were a very nice Chinese family. I really feel for him. Both his wife and mother were buried side by side just steps away from my mom. I got to spend time with mom. I was crying just thinking how much I wanted to be with her. 

Thank you for your kind words. I am guilty of yelling at mom at times. It was so frustrating for me. I wish I was nicer. It's not that I didn't want to take care of mom. I feel it's my duty to take care of mom. It's just needing a break from it all. I didn't get that break. I remember one time I got sick and started having chills. I hardly get sick at all. I think it was more of my body needed to rest. I slept for 2 days straight and I never slept for that long either.

I agree with you that Chinese people don't tell you their feelings, but they will show it. My mom used to use tough love tactics when we were kids. When one got in trouble, we all got in trouble. When one gets spanked, we all get spanked. She would always say, "Your heart aches for them, but never show it." referring to spanking or scolding. Yes, like your dad, mom made sure we had enough to eat. I remember one time during dinner, I was joking with her that I didn't have enough to eat. She stopped eating and wanted to give me her bowl of rice. She thought I was for real. 

I'm listening to some Carpenters and Bee Gees tonight. Memories. I haven't listen to them in awhile because I listen to mostly country music. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

May, you went way above and beyond the call of duty toward your mom.  You should feel proud, not guilty, but I know it's easier to think of things to feel guilty about.  My problem was complaining too much about my life and about people who I felt didn't act right.  It's not that I didn't want to take care of my dad, either.  I loved being with him, but when people would call and talk about all the fun things they were doing, it would depress me at times.  It's not that I wanted to be away from him.  I just wish there had been more opportunities for us to do fun things together.  I wish people had invited us to go places with them more often, instead of friends and relatives just coming to visit and my having to entertain them at home most of the time, often with short notice or no notice.  I tried hard to boost my dad's morale, but there wasn't anyone to boost mine, because he was mostly a quiet person.  We'd talk mostly about movies, music, the past and current events, but hardly ever about the future or anything to look forward to.  He used to say he was content with his life the way it was, but I'm the type who likes having something to look forward to.  I sympathize with Madame Bovary.  When I was a young woman in the early 80's my great uncle told me that he felt sorry for me, because I could have been another Madonna, but I was stuck at home taking care of people.  That was the nicest compliment he ever gave me. :) 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear May,

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I cannot believe he lost both his beloved wife and mother. Very tragic and sad.

I hear you. I feel the same way. When I go to see my dad at the cemetery. I get choked up thinking he is alone. He does have people buried around him. And I like to think he is having coffee with his new friends in the spirit world, but I really don't know what to think sometimes.

I can sympathize and empathize with what you are saying. I think that is the hardest part of being a caregiver. We are in a bubble. We just kept on going given our natures and didn't realize we badly needed a break. I read this phrase about "how all caregivers are imperfect caregivers" I think this is so true. Also part of human relationships, we all lose our patience, our temper at one point or another. See parents all the time lose patience with their children. No one is perfect. We just have to remember our parents loved us. And we loved them.

Glad you are listening to the Bee Gees and Carpenters tonight.  I like mostly like pop music. For country music I like a couple of songs from Scotty McCreedy, Brett Eldridge, Dolly Parton, Paul Brandt, but I definitely don't know too many artists.

Dear MissionBlue,

I'm so sorry I made you cry with my post. (((hugs))) I've also been tearful all day. I think caring and loving our dads as much as we did was a "double edge sword." It really was. I just noticed your dad's angel date, was the day that my dad suffered his first stroke and was admitted to hospital. Everything you say reminds me of my dad and my feelings as well being his caregiver.

When my dad was alive I had the same feelings. This feeling of being stuck almost. I wanted to help my dad, but also wondered how long it could go on for. I did have a lot of resentment and anger with my siblings. Like you said people were off having fun. I never had fun. I was the good daughter. The responsible daughter. I stayed at home. I managed the housework, yard work, bill paying, doctors, it seemed like a never ending to do list. It was becoming overwhelming. Even when I resigned myself to keep doing all of that and accepting my fate as it were, my dad died. That day haunts me.

Mission you have been so kind and generous. I know based on everything I've read from your posts, you loved and cared for your dad. You did the best you could. I would be so happy if I had a daughter like you caring for me. I am proud of you for embarking on this new journey. I hope Ernesto continues to be helpful and supportive of you. And you find the  house of your dreams. And if you want, the man of your dreams as well. You are an inspiration to me. I take so much comfort from your perspective. I need to train myself and give myself something to look forward to. Some days its easier said than done, but hopefully I will find my something soon.

With love and hugs to everyone! Thank you again for all your support and kindnesses to me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My dearest grief friends, I really do appreciate this thread. Even though I write quite rarely, it has become kind of a ritual to read it with my morning coffee. I came here to vent and I did not find it too personal. I mean how one can share his journey without any personal details - it is just impossible. I enjoy reading articles that Mission gives  reference to (I particularly enjoyed this perspective of being your own best friend, I forwarded it to my colleague who is a psyhologyst and we had a discussion on that). I enjoy reading Silver's stories. It is only natural that our personal lives intertwine with this grief journey. Silver, on the record I am working hard on my dissertation. I hope to be finished in a year, hopefully. 

Reader, so we are off to the fifth month... Sometimes I even cannot believe unless I say it out loud. I cannot believe it's almost spring and my mom didn't even make it to the end of fall. 

Lisa, you're in my thoughts. It just sucks what is happening. I really do hope it will all be over after the treatment. 

Eliz, I am rooting for you, darling. Losing my mother has been the worst nightmare, I was always afraid of that. But never in a million years I thought she would just live up to sixty something. I was sure she would make to 80 or at least 75. I feel like the universe played the nastiest trick on me, robbing me and my kids of my mother and robbing my mother of having more time with us. My mother didn't have time to retire.  But I'm happy we did some travelling together and she got to see the world. Even though every day I seem to have more and more regrets. For example, we planned to go to the island here in Greece (I am not greek, I only reside here temporarily), but I was waiting for a better weather. And in a week's time mom died here at my place. Then I remember teling her that she needs to choose where to go on our next big vacation - any part of the world. And now it just can't happen. I cannot register that fact. I hate seeing my mother-in-law travelling to places, I resent her now. She sends pics to my husband and I cannot help but ask - hasn't she died yet. And her sister. This grief is a very isolating experience for me and somehow I feel that I'd feel better if some of my friends experienced the same thing. Especially those who tell me to let go of my mom and move on. I know that's a terrible thing, but that's part of my grief. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Warm (((hugs))) to you, too, dear Reader!  Thank you for your wise and supportive comments.  It's ok that you made me cry.  Sometimes it's good to read or to hear something that can help purge our emotions.  It is good to bond with our fellow grief travellers through shared experiences and feelings.

Moving and preparing my home for sale is such a pain, but I have a new helper I'll call Ramon, a friend of Ernesto, who is also an immigrant from Mexico.  This weekend Ramon re-grouted and re-caulked the main bathroom for me.  Unfortunately, someone stole a bag of grouting supplies from Ernesto's car and so I had to pay another $50 to have Ramon re-purchase the supplies.  The incident got me to wondering how could this happen?  Why did Ramon even leave the supplies in the car?  He showed me the receipt for the things so I believe he bought them.  However, being a woman alone, I get suspicious of strangers.  Will he return the items later to the store to get the money back on the sneak?  Were Ernesto and his friend in cahoots to cheat me out of $50?  There was another friend washing Ernesto's car -- did he steal the bag?   But the younger friend is semi-homeless, he doesn't have a bathroom to grout!   Ernesto thinks it was one of my nasty neighbors who stole the bag out of spite.

Anyway, the grouting job was completed and well done.  I called Ernesto on his cell to give his friend a ride home.  He was out in the yard.  Accidentally, I forgot to end my call and Ernesto didn't close his cell either.  After they both left, I heard strange noises coming from my cell phone.  As I placed it to my ear, I discovered that I could overhear their conversation in the car!  I started getting nervous -- should I listen and why is this happening?  Is there something I should know?  So I listened for about five minutes until Ernesto realized his phone line was still open.  I know it's wrong to eavesdrop, but I couldn't resist and it was a matter of self-preservation.  To my relief, neither man said anything bad or conspiratorial about me, although Ernesto did tell his friend that I had a background check done on him, because I think he's a tough hombre.  He also told him that I have a lesbian friend who he thinks is in love with me, but he doesn't think I'm lesbian.  They were listening to some Mexican music on a cd.  One of my favorite songs "Ya Lo Pagaras Con Dios" started playing and Ramon asked Ernesto to turn up the volume.  I thought to myself, this guy has good taste and a romantic streak!  ;)   I think this could be the beginning of a wonderful friendship.  I'm not attracted to him at all, and he already has a girlfriend, so I have no designs on him, but Ernesto asked him to help us move in his spare time.  Ramon says he can install my Pergo floors for me. So little by little we are moving forward.  We finally have ten days without rain ahead of us.   When Ernesto got home, I confessed that I eavesdropped on his conversation with Ramon.  It didn't phase him, because he already thinks I spy on him with hidden cameras.  If only my security cameras had been plugged in I would have seen who stole the bag out of the car.  According to NextDoor.com, there has been a rash of car break-ins in our neighborhood. 

This little story is just to illustrate how alone in the world I feel since my dad's death.  Normally, I would tell these details to my dad and we would discuss our thoughts about people's actions and motives.  We loved trying to solve crime mysteries in films and we were pretty good at it.  The only person I can now trust completely is myself.  My own half brother hasn't offered to help me move, so like Blanche DuBois; I depend on the kindness of strangers.

Athina, I also had hoped to enjoy more travels with my father, but we ran out of time.  It kills me that his younger brother and older sister are still travelling at ages 85 and 91, respectively!  My uncle's wife and my aunt's daughter send out those newsletters at Christmas telling everybody all the fun places they've been in the past year.  At the same time, it wouldn't make me any happier knowing they couldn't enjoy life anymore.  After they're gone, I'll probably feel guilty for envying them.  You can't win!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Reader I completely relate to he sadness that comes from our parent not seeing their grandchildren grow up. I didn't have my son until I was 29 years old because I went college and then graduate school. Then got married. Then got pregnant. I didn't have my daughter until I was 31. My son was only 2.5 yrs old and my daughter 3 months old when my mother passed. My son will soon forget what little memories he made with my mom and my daughter will never remember even meeting her. I guess I should be grateful they got to meet her but it's not good enough. My daughter was her first granddaughter and her world for those short 3 months. Sometimes I wish I hadn't gone to grad school and gotten married younger so I could have had my kids younger. She would have spent more time with them. In the past we've talked about possibly having 3 kids. Now I can't imagine having a child she would never know about to point where I have closed that door. 

 

MayFGL Incomplete puzzle alright. Isn't that just such a sad reality? Sometimes when depressed, I'll think how sad the rest of my life will be. No matter how amazing life is and what great memories I make, I will never be 100% happy in the moment bc there's a big hole in my heart that will never ever get filled. Sometimes when I do have a moment where I forget about my grief and think to myself how great the weather is or how I'm having a good time with my family I find myself feeling guilty for being happy in that moment. Like I purposely don't give myself permission to be happy. 

 

Athina Thank you :)  It is extremely hard to lose a parent when they are still somewhat young. I'm terribly sorry for your loss. It's hard when you know they still have MANY years ahead of them. I know it would have been a tough loss had she died at 100 but 65 just seems so much worse. Whenever I see more elderly persons I get so sad and think how unfortunate my mom was robbed so many years. And don't ever feel bad about thinking that maybe your friends would be more understanding if they had lost a parent too. Grief makes your brain come up with so many things you would never have thought. My dad was the one with medical complications while my mom was the healthier one. After she passed I found myself thinking why couldn't it have been dad who died instead. HORRIBLE thought on my part but that was out of anger. My need and desire to fix this. To bring her back. Trade her life for someone else. God knows had my dad died it'd be doing the same thing. I'm glad you've found at outlet here though. Our friends don't understand the pain just yet. They will eventually though. For now, we can lean on each other and support each other because we know how real this pain is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi everybody,

I'm still unsure about how to jump into these discussions, but reading them makes me feel less alone - thank you all for that. Tomorrow marks one month since my Mom passed away and I can't really wrap my head around it. I don't understand how I've gone on living for an entire month without her. And I've done so relatively well. I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. I cry almost everyday, but I also wake up, get dressed, go to work and get through my day. I even have good days. I like to think I'm just not letting the bad moments (typically at night after the day is done, or when I'm alone for a few hours) ruin my good days. But that seems naive. She's only been gone a month. I shouldn't be doing so well at work, going out with friends and laughing. Right? I'm afraid that the break down will come at some totally random time and people won't be quite so understanding. 

I don't want this to sound like I don't miss my mom. I do. Literally every second. But I've been able to chug along. Is that okay? Is that normal? Is crying when I get home at night, or just getting emotionally burnt out from days of being fine around a bunch of people "enough" grieving? Do I need to be doing more? I'm 26 years old, my mom was 57. And she was the best.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

JackieF3 welcome! I'm a newbie myself. My mother passed away December 19, 2016 and I'm glad I came across this site shortly after. I've been beyond grateful for those who have responded to me and shared their experiences. This can be a very lonely feeling. Me and you are on the younger end and so were our mothers. This means we don't have many friends who've experienced the death of a parent. My husband hasn't either. You can only vent to them so much but they'll never fully grasp it until it happens to them.

As for how you're grieving, everyone does this differently and there is no right way. When I got them call at 8am, I didn't cry. I was just shocked. We had spoken the night before and she was healthy as a horse. She simply didn't wake up. I cried briefly here and there. We got so busy with arrangements and company that I never broke down the first 2 weeks. Christmas came and went. So did New Years. Then my birthday. It was extremely painful having all that shortly after her passing. It didn't really start to hit me until my bday which was 1.5 months after her passing. Much of the shock and numbness had started wearing off and my bday was the biggest reminder of what she will no longer be a part of my life. Much like you, I've been holding it together pretty well. I go to work every day. Take care of my husband and kids once at home. Do all grown up obligations just fine. It's the shopping trips to our favorite store that hit me like a ton of bricks. It's the moments I badly want to phone her to share family gossip that I no longer can do that get me. So it's not the every day functioning that becomes impaired. It's the moments when I realized "I can no longer do ----- this with my mom again." Grieve at your pace and let the emotions come and go as they need to. There's no right way. Terribly sorry for your loss.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@ELiz Thank you so much for your kind words. You really made me feel better. And I will say - the shopping trips have got me! Which has happened quite a bit because of COURSE my mom taught me the art of retail therapy :) I'm glad to know you grieved in a similar way and I'm so, so sorry for your sudden loss. I was lucky enough to have a special year of knowing and cherising my time with my mom.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I totally empathize with you as being the caretaker and being so worn out and almost jealous everyone else goes about their lives. I was with him every single day for over a month while he was in the hospital. Once he decided to go home I was so crushed but knew he was tired of trying and suffering. He passed that night at home in his sleep and I will always regret not staying there that night. I never really said good bye. I was so busy doing everything I could in hopes he would get well, while trying to be there for my children as well.  And now I am the one planning the funeral arrangements and tying up all those loose ends and trying to support my grandmother, who is pretty beside herself with grief. Today is his cremation date and Wednesday I will go pick up his ashes. I am having a very difficult time with this process. He will cease to exist except in my memory and dreams. I miss him so much sometimes it takes the wind out of me. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello, All--Lisa K, May, Mission, Eliz, Athina, Reader, Cindy Jane, Dgiirl, Jackie, and probably a few I have inadvertently missed--

Lisa, I hope everything will turn out OK for you. I wish the best for you on your surgery....I know I'd be scared too. We will all be here for you.

May, I love songs from the 70s and late 60s--and have found myself listening to a lot these past few years. They're kind of wistful for me, as they remind me of my happier past in NYC when mom was still around. I love the Carpenters ' songs "Superstar" and "Top of the World". The first one, kind of sad and bittersweet, was one of my faves growing up....today, it helps me picture our small apartment where mom was never far away. These days, I choke up when I hear this part:

Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby
You said you'd be coming back this way again baby
Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, baby, I love you I really do

Loneliness is a such a sad affair
And I can hardly wait to be with you again

What to say to make you come again
Come back to me again
And play your sad guitar

I also remember "Nights in White Satin" (a sad song that was a hit when mom was in the hospital), but I also l like "California Dreamin," Downtown (reminds me of all those great days mom and I went down to Manhattan), "Windy," " Georgy Girl," and a song by the Cowsills "The Rain, the part, and other things"

Well, back to the present. It's a beautiful, warmish, sunny day today.

And it also happens to be what would have been my mom's 85th birthday: yes, she shares the exact same birthday w/ Liz Taylor, who died even younger than my mom. They must have been passing out the looks on that day, because my mom was quite the beauty too (see my gallery of pics). Too bad she didn't get the acting talent!   I remember thinking to myself when I had first heard of Liz's death, look at mom--so hale and hearty. She'll last well into her 90s. 85 will be nothing at all. Little did I ever expect to lose her at the age of 82 and 7 months. Even younger than her own mother who was obese.

I can't help but think how our future was cut tragically short. I know there are others of you who've lost your moms at even earlier ages....but I guess we never have time enough with our moms. I remember thinking that as soon as dad kicked off, being the perpetual bother, nuisance, castrated POS that he was, mom and I would have a much easier life. No more strange hours for mom to accommodate herself. No more last minute drag racing for mom because dad didn't get up in time for his appointment. No more countless reminders to dad. Eliz, I was going to do just what you were planning too. Mom and I were going to book a cruise or train travel as soon as I sent that book off to the publishers. I was going to buy her a new wardrobe. We were going to enjoy a peaceful life together. We would finally get the life we deserved and that we waited for so long and so patiently!

But, of course, it didn't happen that way. I got stuck with the crappy parent--my dad. The parent who never behaved like a parent.

Most of you who've been here long enough know my feelings about my dad--how I hated him for screwing up my education and career, cheating on mom, and on a being a generally financially irresponsible parent.  Well, yesterday, I got further confirmation of this-- as is any more were necessary at this point. One of his relatives--an uncle whom I remember fondly from our days in the Bronx--contacted me yesterday. He actually thought dad was at home, but I explained the situation. Anyway,  I learned a lot of interesting things....it turns out that when my paternal grandmother died and left the property to her 3 kids--dad, his sister, and younger brother--the latter took ALL of it. My dad never got his share--and he was too chicken to contest him. FOR GOD'S SAKE, HE WAS THE OLDEST BROTHER! WHAT A Phucking measly, NODICK ahole--NO WONDER HE WAS ALWAYS WEAK AND SICK growing up!  HIS PARENTS SHOULD HAVE JUST LET HIM DIE! A WEAK MALE IS A USELESS MALE AS FAR AS I SEE IT! Anyway, his younger sister died a decade after the grandmother....so now the youngest son is using his parents' house as a medical facility for a son or son-in-law (also a doctor). In other words, he is using it for himself without paying any rent. WHY IS IT THAT EVERY FATHER I KNOW KNOWS HOW TO LOOK OUT FOR THE INTERESTS OF HIS SONS AND DAUGHTERS AND MINE COULD NOT BE BOTHERED? Right now, we are owed a substantial 6-digit figure.

My dad always assumed that his brother would give him a share because he's become quite wealthy as a doctor himself....that alone should show how dumb and naive my dad is. (Just because he's a a pansy himself doesn't mean every one else is a pansy too.) My loser dad does not have the common sense to realize that  THE WEALTHIER SOMEONE IS, THE GREEDIER THAT PERSON WILL BE. Right now, I hate my dad so mcuh for not having claimed his share....he only wanted to make himself look good, i.e., not greedy, without caring about MY futur!  What's even worse is that my dad himself had also given his parents $200-300 EVERY MONTH when they were still alive--and that was between the 1960s and 1980, when $200-300 a month was worth about $1300 today. And meanwhile, that shitt-for-brains had the gall to push me to apply to the best universities before ultimately denying me the chance to go when I did get in. PHUCK YOU DAD FOR SENDING ME TO S. college, NOT U.C. BERKELEY, which is a world class institution. (My college is just as good.....but in academe, as is true everywhere else, popular reputation matters!) It's like he wanted to screw me out of EVERYTHING IN LIFE!

And here, I have to WASTE TIME. going to see this phucker in hospitals and rehab. HE SHOULD JUST DIE! THAT'S HOW HE TREATED ME AND MOM! NOT CARING ABOUT OUR FINANCIAL SECURITY! Just contrast the way that mom wanted to make sure I would get a part of her mom's property. She talked about it on a weekly basis. Yes, it's true, MY MOM WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO EVER CARED FOR MY PERSONAL AND FINANCIAL WELL BEING.

I AM DONE VISITING HIM! HE DIDN'T CARE ABOUT ME. WHY SHOULD I CARE ABOUT HIM?

To those of you who lost your fatherS....I honestly wish I could trade mine with yours. I wish mine were buried and yours still with you. At least, yours fought tooth and nail for you all the way as a TRUE parent, father, and family provider. All of your fathers probably supported you in your every endeavour, fought for your inheritance, didn't cheat on your moms. Mine was only a sperm donor and leech.

If I can find a way of not  paying for his burial or dumping his ashes down the toilet, I will do so. I don't want his ashes mingled with mine or my mom's.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Silver, sorry for your harsh feelings towards dad. I also do not have an easy relationship with my dad, after mom's gone it's even worse. I asked him to come for Easter but he says he's better off alone. It's upsetting me. I don't have family all of a sudden. The very first second my mom went into coma, I wished it was my dad, not her. He's a cancer survivor and my mom was a healthy horse. I always thought he would be the first one to go. He thought that too. 

Eliz, tell me how you plan to cherish the memory of your mom with your kids. I noticed your mom died on my birthday. I remember this very first birthday without mom, I cried a lot that day, kept reading what she wrote me last year. I have three kids but I had my twins very young, at 21. With a tremendous help from my parents I graduated from the law school, landed a career, enrolled into a phd program, got a job overseas. My twins are 13. They were so close to my mom, but since they also spent much time together, apparently in their early teens they argued a lot. They spent all last summer arguing with my parents. But me and mom used to say - you just wait. I was sure they were about to have a perfect relationship with my mother. They are still very close to my dad either, they talk on a daily basis. Unfortunately, that's where it ended, my kids will never develop a more mature relationship. But they will remember my mother, even if that imagine is from their childhood. My youngest daughter is only three and while every morning she still asks about grandma, I'm sure all her memories will soon fade away. I just can't come to terms with the fact that she won't get to know my mom and my mom won't enjoy her anymore. We just talked with mom that 3-year-olds are so interesting and funny to observe. She was a little treasure of our all family and my mom took care of her from day one. I just hope some unconcsious emotion remains for my daughter of that incredible warmth and love of my mother. I talk to her about mom every day. But I don't know what else I can do. My husband has actually lost his father young and me and my kids never got a chance to know him. Thing is I have heard so many stories that sometimes I happen to feel I really know him. My husband  puts ocassionally - your grandpa used to do that or say that. He was a big man, my kids are proud of him. We know many things about him. 20 years have passed after his death, but people still share things, still remember. Actually never before that had  I  any understanding how my husband felt with his children not meeting his father. It is heartbreaking.

I will also never feel 100 % happy in my life. It will never be the same. Seriously, it is too intimidating to think of life ahead of me. How I will always miss my mom terribly. Every evening I have some private grief time. It kills me I did not have a chance to say goodbye to my mom and didn't see it coming. I remember last night she went to bed at my house (my parents during their visits slept with my youngest daughter) and I went to browse facebook. I remember I read that story of some parents having to make a decision to disconnect their young son from life support. I had a random tear. At the same time I thought - I am so happy I have my whole family together and nothing bad has happened to me. I also reassured myself my parents were still too young for something terrible to happen. It all changed next day. I don't know why I didn't go to kiss my mom afrer I read that sad story. I really miss her hugs.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

silverkitties I'm so sorry you were robbed of that opportunity. The only thing that we can do with all this experience is do exactly what that saying says, live every day like it's your last. My mom was finally going to have her dream kitchen she had talked about for YEARS. I didn't even know she had planned this. My dad said she wanted to surprise us. She was going to replace all kitchen cabinets, countertops, flooring and paint the kitchen the same week she passed. The previous weekend they had picked out the materials and were going to start a few days after she passed. I wish she hadn't waited so long to do it. My dad said she was on cloud 9 with her plans for her kitchen. I was supposed to walk into that house at New Year's Eve and be surprised. She never got to see it. 

Athina Thats a great question. I often think about how I'm going carry on memory of my mother to my kids. I plan on taking flowers to my mother monthly. The cemetery is only a 10 min maximum drive from my house. I'll take my kids with me so they never forget they have a grandma. I also plan on cooking for my kids many meals my mom cooked for me my whole life. Celebrate her birthday with cake maybe. It'll be difficult for them though to appreciate her the way I would have liked. My grandparents lived out of the country my entire life and I only met them during early childhood. Never developed a relationship with them and while my mom talked to me often about her mother I just saw her as this lady who happens to be gma. When she passed away I only cried bc I didn't like to see my mother cry and hurt so bad. I don't miss what little memories I have with them. I don't think of them at all. It makes me feel horrible that my kids will have those same feelings about my mother. And i can completely relate to the why didn't i .... before she died. It's like you said though, it was not expected. Funny... the thing that tormented me terribly after she passed is thinking about how I never told her THANK YOU for everything she did for me. For being the greatest mother I could have ever asked for. For teaching me everything she did. To tell her how much I loved her. This ATE me up for days after her passing. Then one night maybe 1 week after her passing I had an extremely vivid dream. In my dream she has passed away and I was sitting in her room as I had the morning before the cemetery staff arrived to pick her up. But in my dream she woke up. I asked her to come into the kitchen. I sat down and I told her all those things I wish I had. She didn't want to hear it bc she didn't want to get emotional. I told her I had to bc I knew she would pass away again soon and I wanted to tell her those things before it happened again. The next morning I felt as if it had really happened. Then like magic those feelings disappeared and haven't returned. I wonder if my dream was just my brains way of solving this delima subconsciously or if by some miracle God delivered this message to her. But I truly felt that those feelings got resolved.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Silverkitties, I am so sorry that your dad did not claim his inheritance.  Your bitter feelings are justified, but maybe it wasn't your dad's willful neglect of you but his naivete to think that his brother would eventually pay him his share of the inheritance. 

Maybe I'm naive, too, but would there be any chance for you to appeal to your uncle and ask him to give your dad his fair share of the inheritance?   You could dictate the letter to your dad and have him sign it.  Use all your talent as a writer to word it tactfully, appealing to his conscience as a physician, a brother, an uncle and a human being to carry out the terms of their mother's will, before God and all of his ancestors.  Be sure to mention that your dad is the oldest brother.  Your dad could say that he is asking him to do the right thing for his daughter's sake and to restore honor to the family line. It can't hurt.  Be as polite and respectful as possible. You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.   They are over there enjoying their ill-gotten gains, while you are here struggling on your own.  Nobody ever makes it on their own.  We all need a hand up to become successful.  Who better than a family member who owes it to you?  If he doesn't comply, then you can send him a hate letter that he will never forget --  every year on Chinese New Year!  I would hate the uncle who stole your dad's inheritance more than your dad who was the victim of fraud, but give your uncle a chance to undo his crime.  I don't know about in Taiwan, but over here criminal fraud offenses are considered felony crimes and are punishable by jail, fines, probation, or all of the above. Civil penalties may include restitution (paying the person back) or payment of substantial fines (geared to punish the behavior).  The statute of limitations may have passed, but you should consult a lawyer to see if there is anything that can legally be done to claim your dad's inheritance.   Maybe the statute of limitations begins upon discovery and you just found out about it.  Is there any evidence that your father knew about his inheritance?  Was he ever sent a copy of his mother's will?

Silver, if your dad has any assets left, please have him put them into a living trust for you, before it's too late,  Then you won't have to go through probate.  Your dad does care about you, because he was worried about you being left alone after he's gone.  If he hasn't done a will or trust yet, it's because he needs help to do it.  If he refuses, then you can stop helping him with a clear conscience. 

My Chinese friend had a father who was a gambler and an alcoholic.  When he died, he left his wife with nothing, so an uncle became her benefactor and sent her money to buy a store and a rental property.  Thanks to his generosity and her hard work, she went from an impoverished widow to a well-to-do lady.  All her four sons are now millionaires with rental properties of their own and great careers.

One of my best friends had her sizable inheritance stolen by her brother.  As executor of his mother's estate, he had his mother sign everything over to him, while she was heavily drugged.  Then he paid a doctor to declare her dead even before she actually.died!  My friend and her sister sued their brother for elder abuse and inheritance fraud, but they lost, because it was his seven lawyers against their two.  Also, their father would not testify against him, because he didn't want to see his son go to jail.  His daughters are not allowed to talk to their father.   My friend and her sister did manage to inherit some properties in Mexico from their mother, which were held in trust for their ailing aunt, but her greedy brother is trying to steal those houses, too!

Even Ernesto got cheated out of an inheritance!   His uncle stole some ranch land from his father.  When Ernesto became a man, he horse-whipped his uncle and made him cry on his knees, but he couldn't get his father's land back.  The uncle ended up poor and alone.  Ernesto's father took pity on his brother and paid his hospital bill before he died.

I like your musical memories.  My dad liked mostly older music, but even he liked "Downtown" and "Georgy Girl".  His favorite modern group was the Beach Boys.

I hope your mom's birthdays will get easier for you with each passing year.  Your mother was indeed a beautiful and refined woman.  Both of our mothers played the piano.  My mother was a big fan of Elizabeth Taylor.  She would sometimes dress like her and even talked like her.  She bought her perfumes, Passion and White Diamonds.  I wish I had gotten to spend time with my mother when she was into her many interests, including music, movies, art, and the theatre.  I started seeing her somewhat regularly only after she was retired and had to move out of her studio apartment and into a ladies residence home.   

Behh, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear grandfather.  I never got to know either of my grandfathers, but I loved my grandmother dearly because she was like a mother to me, being that my real mother wasn't involved in my upbringing. My grandmother was widowed when I was only three years old.  Our grandparents' generation was very special.  I loved my great uncles and aunts even more than my dad's brothers and sisters.  They had such a good attitude about life.  Maybe it was because they had a survived the Mexican Revolution and the Great Depression,  so life was all gravy after that.  I can only imagine how difficult it was being a caregiver on your own with four children to raise, but I'm sure you did your best.  Your grandfather knew you loved him.  Many times people choose to pass away when their loved ones aren't present so they don't have to witness such a sad event.  If only death could be as happy an occasion as the birth of a child.  The trend is to turn funerals into celebrations, but it just doesn't work for me.  I mean it's important to remember all the good things about a person's life and to be grateful for every moment they were with us, but it's impossible not to miss our loved ones with all our heart.  They deserve our tears but with time remembering them will become less painful and more of a peaceful, happy experience.  Your grandmother is so lucky to have you and her great grandchildren, and you are lucky to still have her. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear MissionBlue:

I'm so sorry to hear what happened with the grouting supplies. I'm with you. I feel the only person I can trust is myself sometimes. But since my dad's passing I don't know if I can even trust myself anymore. I thought I was doing the right thing by my dad, but now I feel appeasing him so much caused his death. He was in a vulnerable situation after his stroke and so unhappy. I don't think he ever smiled or laughed again. So I tried to give him all his favorites foods. Try not to make him angry. Tried so hard to do what he wanted. I keep going in circles about this point. I know I have to find some way to come to terms with it.

But I can relate to what you said, the way you talked about other people's actions and motives with your dad. It is a struggle to trust people. I read this somewhere where the FBI has a saying about "trust by verify."  I don't want to be naïve, but I don't want to be too cynical either. Glad Ramon and Ernesto are helping you and do a good job with the renovations. But MissionBlue I would still caution you to go with your gut instinct. If anything feels wrong, don't feel bad about it and do whatever is necessary to protect yourself. That's also from an FBI agent I saw on TV about how women can protect themselves. That we shouldn't worry about being rude and just go with our gut instinct.

Dear Athina:

Feels so strange that we are going into our 5th month of our grief journey. Still feels surreal to me. I get choked up anytime I think about my dad. Just telling people my dad has died gets me choked up and tearful. Very strange to me. I get up every day and expect to see my dad. Feel I should be doing something for my dad like getting him food. Or something simple watching him sleep or watch TV. Like you, I thought my dad would make it till 2017 and beyond. Make it to see his new granddaughter, but he died a week before she came for a visit.

Dear Silverkitties

I'm so sorry for the all pain your father has caused you. And that your uncle has cheated you out of your inheritance. I will never understand how so many families are ruined over money. And why being an honorable, decent and honest person is so hard. Where is there duty?  I don't have a lot of money but whatever I made I shared with my mom and dad and family. I'm sort of foolish in that sense. I always got the short end of the stick. I don't like conflict so people treated me a like a doormat. I hope I can be stronger.  Silver maybe something can still be done to get what is rightfully yours.

Dear Jackie:

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your mother. I'm so sorry for your loss. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. We are all so different. I too continue to get up every day and go to work. Sometimes I cry a little before work but mostly its when I get home from work that hits me the hardest. I think all we can do is try to take it day by day. Our bodies and minds will let us know when to let the emotions out.  We will all be here to support you.

Dear Behh:

I can relate to what you are saying. Me too. I was busying doing things and getting things to make my dad comfortable. I never believed my dad would pass. I would not allow my mind to go there. I was with my dad feeding him some lunch and then left for work. The doctor called me two hours later to tell me died. I hate myself for leaving him that day. I never wanted him to die alone. Or be alone in life. And even now in death, I feel like I'm the only one that sees him at the cemetery. My other siblings are too busy or too far away to participate in this ritual.

Dear Eliz:

Thank you for you reply. I relate to so much what you are saying to Athina about how you will honor your mom's memory. And also the regrets. Me too. I wish so badly I told my dad a simple thank you! 

Thank you all for your kind words! Support and encouragement on this difficult journey. I am grateful

Hope this week is a little better for all us. With love and hugs.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Reader, what can I say - today I just refuse to believe what happened. I keep replaying and replaying my last conversations and I'm tired of all that. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(((hugs))) Athina. I'm totally with you.  And I hear you. Its a horrible struggle. I don't want to believe either. I do the same thing. And sometimes I have a fight with myself. I tell myself to stop and try to think differently. But we have to allow ourselves these moments. I know they won't last forever, but they do come into our minds and dwell a little bit. I'm trying to learn this is part of the grief journey. Its so hard.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear Reader, you are so wonderfully kind and supportive to me and to so many other members here.  I can't thank you enough for your helpful advice.   I sincerely believe that whatever you did for your father you did out of love and wanting to make him happy.  The sad part is that it is sometimes difficult to impossible to make someone who is old and sick feel truly happy.   Sometimes the best we can do is share our loved ones' misery, which I think both of us did at times.   When my dad was retching from medication side effects, I was there to help him.  Thank God I asked the ER doctor to give my dad some Zofran for nausea to take at home -- he wasn't going to offer any.  They helped for the next medication fiasco. It's sad that what works for some people doesn't work for everybody.  My dad's system was very sensitive to many medications. 

Some of the happiest moments for me were when my dad and I were sitting quietly, resting together, and I would watch him sleep.  But even that was sad because I could see how his breathing was irregular -- it would get faster then slower, then repeat the cycle.  He had a heart arrythmia which I believe was caused by one of his medications.  His pulse used to be rock steady and slow like a champion athlete.  The doctors would rarely admit to side effects.   

Just the fact that you were there while your dad was watching tv and sleeping was your gift to him.  Even if you shortened his life, by letting him eat what he wanted, at least, you made the time he had left more tolerable.  I let my dad eat things he shouldn't at times, and I feel like I killed him, too, but that doesn't mean we really did kill our beloved fathers.  Nobody can undo years of irresponsible eating and uncontrolled high blood pressure.  If we thought something they ate would kill them, we wouldn't have let them eat it.  I believe that the pneumonia vaccines they gave my dad in the hospital, when he already had pneumonia-like symptoms, contributed to his massive heart attack.  They should have waited until he had recovered.   There are other things they did wrong that take too long to describe which I already covered in my earliest posts.  For all you know, your dad could have died of iatrogenic causes in the hospital, and you are torturing yourself needlessly.  There are people on ventilators in hospitals who still smoke, because they can't help it.  My dad didn't smoke and didn't even like me to burn candles in the house, and yet his lungs, which always gave him the least troubles throughout his life, still failed, because his enlarged heart chamber and his kidneys couldn't do their job properly to circulate the blood.  I asked the doctors about "diuretic braking" and they acted like they didn't even know what that was!  When I asked about aquaphoresis, one doctor didn't know what that was!  The nephrologist said they didn't do that there but he knew a doctor who used this treatment successfully,  Another doctor said my dad was too weak to be moved to another hospital and that they had everything he needed there.  Sure, everything they needed to kill him!

Don't worry about "going in circles" -- this is part of the grieving process.  I have repeated myself many times here, but we have to process the same thoughts and memories over and over until we find acceptance.  I think it's a kind of desensitization that occurs over time.   

About that missing bag of supplies, I have greater reason to suspect that Ramon robbed me of the $50.  He didn't show up yesterday to help me and he didn't call or answer his cell phone.  I don't trust him now, and will not hire him anymore, simply for unprofessional behavior.  Practically everybody has cell phones these days.   It would only have taken a minute to let me know he couldn't make it.   I don't think that Ernesto or the other younger guy were in on it.

Take good care, my dear friend, and I pray that with time we will let go of the guilt feelings and think more of the good times and all the dutiful things we did for our dads. 

Love and hugs to everyone here.....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now