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Everly

Loss of a parent - daily thread

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reader   

Dear MissionBlue:

Thank you again for your kind response. I feel the same way too, that we have so much in common with our dads. I had the same experience with my dad in the hospital. My siblings told me not to come as often because they thought I needed the rest. They thought I could use the time to do something for myself. The last week of my dad's life he was in the hospital, I did manage to see him almost every day. I would sit for an hour sometimes more, sometimes less. Now I regret not being there longer. I cannot win. Because I also thought he would go home. Never did I believe he would die there.

My dad also had CHF. He had a stroke three years prior. Never took a pill till that stroke. He had diabetes, high blood pressure, cholesterol. Two days after being told he had CHF, he died. Its like you said, one moment we hear that coffee is OK and next its not. My dad enjoyed a lot of sugary goods. But I thought to myself what is the harm? He was in his 80s, I should let him enjoy his favorite foods. Let him have it everyone said. But I never could find the right balance. Pure torture now. Keep going back and think I could have done something different. But you are right, there are no guarantees.

Thank you for the story about Buddha. So true. No one in life can escape suffering. I wanted to be the exception but that could never be. I was lucky my dad lived to be in his 80s, but in my heart, I wanted him to live till he was in his 90s. It was too late. His smoking and diet had caught up with him. And I was never strict with him after his stroke. I tried to make him happy but at the same time, I feel like letting him have his way killed him.

Sorry to keep going in circles. Thank you to everyone again for their kind words of comfort and support.

Take care everyone! Have a good rest of the week! With love and hugs.

 

 

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Athina   

I enjoy reading all of your stories, about dating, men. Myself, I don't have anything new to say. I work very hard, I don't have time to think, but the minute I take the subway back home, it all sinks on me. Honestly, I cannot even imagine how I am still functioning in this world. It is strange what the nature of the human being is. I guess, I am not spiritual after all. While the first days I was reading Journey of souls and other crap, now I find much more comfort (if at all) in thinking that that was it for my mother, she is no longer aware of our world, everything's what's left is a pile of ashes, she does not have conscious anymore. Because otherwise I would hate to think that she's so unlucky not to be with us and she knows how heart broken I am. While I cannot wrap my head around the fact that I won't see her again in my life time, I am only happy that this is until I die. I hope death is a dreamless sleep, like Socrates said. 

I just can't overcome my jealousy when I see friends posting on FB photos with moms, grandmoms and even greatgrandmoms. How can a world be so unfair. 

For me, I think (but maybe only theoretically) it would be easier to have no kids. Because I also grieve for them. At the moment I just wish I was old and my life was about to end. Because I just can't imagine how I will live all those years without her. 

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So many exciting posts!

Alas, I was hit hard by the flu. It probably started on Sunday evening when I thought I was going to collapse in the shower. (I was already feeling somewhat weak that day). On Monday, I felt I had deteriorated and on Tuesday, I knew there was no way I could go to teach that day. I was basically huddled in a ball Monday evening through much of Wednesday wondering even if I was going to recover because getting out of bed seemed like such a monumental chore. I felt a little better on Wednesday night but still didn't want to risk it today.

I then felt more alone than ever. The last time I was this ill was back in early 2013, when mom was still alive. She was not only her active, bustling self, but so concerned about her 49-year- old baby...LOL. I remember thinking at that time, thank God I have mom. I have never been bedridden for more than one day at a time. Even my mom herself never had this experience--and she was 81. (Come to think of it, my mom was rarely ill--which is why none of us ever suspected that she had a deadly disease raging within her.)

So here I am...no one to buy me medicine, no one to tell me h/she cares. The only ones who came to me were my cats because they were thinking how bizarre it was that I never got out of that room. (The more cynical ones among you are no doubt thinking they are plotting when to eat me!) One hopped on the bed (the possessive one who normally sleeps in my mom's room) Tuesday evening and the other came Wednesday evening. At least I have them! Not wanting my poor babies to get sick, I knew I had to change their water and provide more dry food.

I couldn't help but recall some of mom's last words before she was sent to the hospital. She burst into tears wondering who would care for me; I remember crying with her, but you'll live mom. You've always survived." She said "no." How right she was:(

Eliz, your experiences w/ your mom sound almost EXACTLY like mine. We both liked to bargain hunt....this started with mom taking me to the local stores in the Bronx. We always enjoyed anticipating one another's wishes.  She would always say "I want this but it's so expensive...." but I would find a way to get it for her. It was always a thrill to see her delighted. I still remember the things I bought for her in the last year--but which she unfortunately never got to wear:(  I have to admit I have not been to the nearby mall where we used to go. As it is, even looking at the websites where I bought stuff for her can bring pangs....I want to say, "mom, you have see this"...and then realize in a split second that she can't. I felt the same way when I watched the Ralph Lauren fashion show online just last week. If my mom were here, we'd be watching it together.

Just going out together was sheer pleasure. My mom noticed that every time we went out together, I would always get compliments on my outfit. She's always say "what makes you think you're unattractive? Every time you go out, you get praised. Everyone tells you how elegant you are,etc. That you look like something out of a magazine." I would say, "men don't care about taste, they care about looks--i.e., how phuckable a woman is. That's why so many men need viagra." Then we would laugh. Yet, my mom always made me feel happy by noticing these compliments despite the fact they were pretty futile. 

Even going to the drugstores was fun with mom. My mom had an eagerness for buying dollar items, just when I was beginning to realize that drugstore makeup was in many cases as good as dept. store makeup. Even though mom would always complain I had too much makeup, she'd egg me on. On one of our last trips before her stroke, she convinced me to buy a golden dusty-pink nail polish.

Missionblue, I strongly suspect that your uncle's visit to China may have done him in. There is a high incidence of GI cancers for all the reasons that May mentioned. It is true: they cook with industrial oil, barely wash their dishes, and more recently, have gotten contaminated food from Fukushima.

Btw, stress can make you forgetful. I'm usually the one blaming my dad for leaving the stove on....but just last week, I found myself doing it! I think Ernesto is particularly stressed out because he really does love you; that's why he wants to do so much but is aggravated by his physical setbacks. Believe me, my mom and I had many harsh words between us too; of course, a parental relationship is different from a romantic one, but I believe that sometimes great conflicts come with great love.

Athina, I hope you are able to make progress on your dissertation. One of the things that  has kept me going was working on a book that I know will be dedicated to my mom.

Reader, if it's any comfort, I always thought that both of my parents were very health-conscious. They tried to keep up with research on foods--yet, just like Missionblue stated earlier--it's kind of hard to keep track of  "research" when it is changing all the time! You tried to let your dad live a normal life...and perhaps that is the best that can be expected.

 

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reader   

Dear Silverkitties, Sorry to hear you have the flu. I hope you feel better soon.  I know what you mean. No matter what age we are, in our parents hearts we will always be their baby. Thank you for sharing more of your mom with us. And all the fun you had shopping with her. I love to bargain shop as well. Clearance sales are my favorite.

Thank you so much for your kind words of comfort. I really did. I tried to let my dad have the same life he had before his stroke. I thought it would help him carry on and feel like life was still good. But in the end, no matter what I did, I guess we were on borrowed time. He never did like pills, doctors and dentists. He just wanted to be. And all the fussing wasn't going to do any good. I'm the same way, so darn stubborn. My dad never liked change and after the stroke, I think it was just too much change. I know I have to let it go, but in my heart I feel responsible for his death.

Dear Athina: Me too. Feel very jealous when other people still have their fathers. This reality of having no dad doesn't seem real. I go to work and try to put on  happy face. Fake it till I make it, I tell myself, but when I get back home its too much. The reality of my dad's death hits me hard. I know we have to do our best to carry on, I hope we can. I hope as everyone says that we will survive this period and thrive again. I am waiting.

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ELiz   

silverkitties Thank you for sharing about your mother. I can completely relate to the just being around each other was a pleasurable activity. I can remember many a times pulling up to my parents house to pick her up for that day's shopping trip. Most often she would be looking out the living room window waiting for me to pull up. She couldn't lock up behind her fast enough. Just being in the car with her brought each other much happiness. I would kill to have a second of that again. Just once. These memories are a painful reminder of what no longer will be but they are also how I keep her memory so fresh in my mind. I hope I never forget them. I can't wait to create new memories with my baby girl one day over shopping like we did. 

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Dear Reader:  We like to feel we are in control of our lives, but we only are to a certain extent.  Outside forces and even subconscious emotions, thoughts and feelings can make things happen that we don't want and never intended.  It is normal to get angry at things we can't control.  If we can't fully control our own destiny -- it's even harder to control someone else's.   We like to think we have the power to save others from death, but we can't even save ourselves, except in the religious sense which takes faith.  My cousin who is a Buddhist minister told me that guilt is a useless emotion.  Buddhist philosophy of “Living in the Now…:” conveys the idea that we should not live in the past or the future, but rather in the present. There's an interesting article here about guilt here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/enlightened-living/200807/guilt-is-wasted-emotion

Even Jesus told the adulteress of John 8, "Woman, where are your accusers?"  Our dads have already forgiven us if there's anything to forgive.   If not, they would have said something before they died.  If they kept any resentment to themselves, and we'll never know for sure what they were thinking because they were so stoic, it's because they didn't want us to suffer useless guilt.  It's useless, because it's too late to change anything.  Maybe I'll be a better caregiver next time, if there is a next time, but no one deserved to be treated better than my dear old dad.  Even the nurses made mistakes at times!  I was so proud when I was able to save my dad from dehydration after he was prescribed a too strong diuretic, by giving him extra water in the middle of the night.  His best visiting nurse was a Chinese woman who was suffering from breast cancer.  She was smarter and more compassionate than the doctor.  Why such a wonderful woman had to get breast cancer is beyond me.  I hope she is ok.  She was eventually assigned to another district.  Then there was a visiting podiatrist who didn't want to trim my dad's toenails, because it wasn't worth her time.  She only wanted to make house visits for more expensive treatments.  I'll bet she sleeps great at night without an ounce of guilt.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll end up being Ernesto's caregiver.  I've done a little caregiving for him already.  He's as noncompliant as they come!  I know it would be way more difficult caring for him than taking care of my father, because Ernesto can be mean.  He has made professional nurses cry, because he tells things like it is.  One thing about Ernesto that I love is that he's not afraid to speak up if something is wrong with his treatment, like that time they put his foot in a cast when his wound was suppurating.  He cut the damn thing off himself with the help of a construction worker friend and it was the right thing to do.  He thinks the hospital was deliberately trying to make his foot worse, so they would have to amputate it and make more money that way.  Luckily, he burned his other foot and went to a burn unit at another hospital.  This time he was assigned a competent doctor who saved both his feet. 

When I see how other people have treated their parents and grandparents, I don't know how they can sleep at night.  For example, my dad and I used to have a friend who has a daughter that she doesn't get along with well.  One day years ago mother and daughter were fighting to the point where they were actually physically struggling with each other.  The grandmother intervened trying to get them to stop, and suffered a stroke during the incident.  You'd think they'd both feel bad and stop arguing so much.  No way, the lady now fights with her granddaughter who tells her if you don't do what I want you'll never see your grandson again!   This same lady claims to have seen the ghost of her mother in her house.  She told her mother, "Don't you come around haunting me, I took good care of you for many years! You have nothing to complain about."  It's true, she did take good care of her mother after her stroke.  She even hired an immigrant lady who had to sleep like a dog on the floor of her mother's bedroom, keeping watch over her. 

My father used to like to take out the garbage, even after he was old and frail.  I used to tell him not to, because the neighbors were going to think that I'm too lazy to help you.  He told me, "If I don't have a problem with how you take care of me, then that's all that matters."  The last months of his life, he no longer had the strength to move the garbage bins up two small steps.    My dad always wanted to make it easier for the garbage men, saving them a few steps.    One day he fell down trying to lift the garbage bin up those two steps, luckily, he fell slowly onto the steps in a sitting position and wasn't hurt, except for his pride.   I saw when it happened on the security monitor and immediately helped him up.   I said ok, that's it, I'm taking out the garbage from now on.   I used to like to take the garbage out at night so people wouldn't see me.  Sometimes I made noise moving the bins and my father would scold me about disturbing the neighbors.  Some of my neighbors make a helluva lot more noise than I did, bouncing them up and down stairways.  I remember telling him, "Oh, dad, you worry about the wrong things!"  

Since I don't have a car, I order a lot of things on Amazon.  It was my dad's job to answer the door if he was close by.  His last week at home, he was having a harder time getting up from a seated position (he didn't like using his walker inside the house), so I would get the door myself.   It was so sad seeing him able to do less and less.  I know he felt bad about not being able to help me, but he knew that I wanted him to be with me forever.  I remember talking with a neighbor and I said to my dad in front of her, "You can't die yet, I need you!"  The neighbor said I was being selfish keeping him here in this world.  My dad later told me, "I don't want to go anywhere but be here with you."  I know he was still enjoying life in spite of his illness.  When he was dying in the hospital, I tried to tell him it was ok to go, that I'll be ok, but I couldn't say it.  Instead, at the last minute I said, "Everything is ok at home."  I didn't have the heart to tell him that I couldn't even get the front door to lock, because the door was swollen from rain.  All my uncles and great uncles who used to help us in the past are no longer around.   Incidentally, my next door neighbor's house was burglarized that Christmas Day.  Luckily, they didn't try my door.  I wasn't able to get it fixed until after my dad died two days after Christmas, 2014.

I am glad that my father never got to the point where he was completely bedridden, except during his hospital stays.  I would have cared for him no matter what, but it would have been so much worse for him to be confined to bed for months or years.  What good is living to a hundred if you don't feel good and can't enjoy things the way you used to?  The damn pills hurt him as much as they helped him.  It's still tragic that our life together had to end  -- that's bad enough without adding guilt to the equation.  Guilt still creeps in there but I fight it with lots of healthy rationalization.

Dear Athina,  I also sometimes find more comfort in thinking that my father no longer exists or is no longer aware of our world.  If he can see me cry, I hope that it makes him happy to know that I loved him so.  But at the same time I don't want him to feel sad and worry about me.  How can heaven be heaven if we continue to worry about our loved ones?   If their  memories have been erased then how can they be the same people we loved?   Or maybe they can see the bigger picture and don't have to worry about us, because they know everything will be ok in the end.  According to Christian beliefs, death is a dreamless sleep until Judgment Day, but then how do we account for spirits interacting with the world before even the Apocalypse has happened?  I was raised Catholic, and I used to take comfort as a child when there were prayers that one could say that granted plenary indulgences for sin, so you could go straight to heaven if you died suddenly.  I still sometimes say them, hoping against hope that it's all true. But the Church has changed and modernized -- I don't know what to believe anymore. 

Dear Silverkitties, I hope you feel better soon!  I wish we lived closer so I could bring you medicine, at least.  I know how it feels to be alone and not have anyone to help me, especially when I twisted my ankle.  This is why I am grateful for Ernesto, even though he can be a pain at times. I think he does care about me, because he gets so upset when I criticize his work.  He says that nothing he does pleases me.  That's not true, but at least, that means he wants to please me.  To do that all he has to do is just follow my instructions, but he has a mind of his own.  He doesn't communicate enough so I can't predict what he plans to do.  When our plans don't match up, then naturally, there is conflict. 

Well, I have to close for now.  Sending everyone love and hugs.....

 

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MayFGL   

ELiz: I'm like you and your mom going bargain hunting. I used to enjoy shopping with mom when I was much younger. We'd go to Kmart and she'd buy dirt cheap clothes for 0.50 - $1.00. We loved shopping clearance stuff. As mom got older, I didn't like shopping with her because she didn't like to browse around. She liked to go in and get what she wanted and she's out of there. I haven't bought clothes in years and I don't need any. I hate to shop, too. If I was working, I think I would go shopping, but my handicap keeps me from working. I still feel very alone without mom. Despite we always have people come in and out the house. I see my brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces, grand nieces and grand nephews daily. It's not the same and no one can replace mom. 

Athina: I'd have to say that in the first year since my mom's gone, it bothered me looking at photos or seeing people with their mom. It doesn't bother me anymore. Last year on Mother's Day, I was standing in line at the grocery store, these three ladies were talking about their mom. They were talking about a surprise party and a cruise for their mom. That made me think about my mom. I felt me eyes were welling up with tears. 

Silverkitties: I'm so sorry you caught the flu. It really makes me sad for you to hear that you have no one to help you. No one to pick up meds for you. I'm glad for one thing though. You have your cats to keep you company. If I lived close by, I would go buy it for you. Get well soon! How is your dad?

Mission: Thanks for sharing the article. You always find such interesting articles for everyone. Thanks again! Are Ernesto's feet improving? Was it that time he was in the hospital and he saw a shadow on the wall, but there was no one in the room?

I would like to know myself how people could mistreat their parents/grandparents. Some go as far as murder. That really ticks me off. I mean, how can they do that to their own flesh and blood?! 

Reader: I'm like your dad. I never liked doctors, hospitals, dentists or pills. I went to my doctors appointment today. My blood pressure is a bit high. She put me back on HBP meds. I stopped taking meds because I wanted to prove to myself that I can stay off of it and it's been normal because of my daily walks. That's what helped me. Now, these couple of months, I haven't been walking as much because I have a bunion on my left foot and my right foot the ankle, knee and/or outer side of the foot bothers me. 

Since there was a topic about men, I'd like to share with everyone what my doctor told me today. She has a 94yo patient that lives in the nursing home. He met a woman their and told the doctor that he was getting married. The man asked the doctor for help. He asked to give him the "pill" because they are going to do it. The doctor told me she was just picturing it in her head...someone is going to have hip problems. It was too funny. LOL

Have a great weekend. Be careful and take care, my friends

Love and Hugs, May 

 

 

 

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Dear May, yes, Ernesto saw the shadow on the wall at the hospital when he was getting treated for his burned foot.  His heart stopped on the operating table, during the skin graft surgery, because his foot had gotten infected, but he pulled through better than ever.  He doesn't remember anything while under anesthesia.  His feet will never be normal, because of diabetic neuropathy, but they are much better than they were six months ago.  Thank God, his eye operation has healed successfully, too. 

For those interested in stories about life after death, I recommend a paperback book My Proof of Survival: Personal Accounts of Contact with the Hereafter Paperback – December 8, 2003 by Andrew Honigman .  My dad and I used to read FATE Magazine back in the 70's.  One of our favorite features was the "My Proof of Survival"  section.  This book is a collection of the best stories. I haven't actually read it yet, but I just ordered it, because after forty years, it should be like reading them for the first time. 

I am currently reading Evidence of the Afterlife: The Science of Near-Death Experiences by Jeffrey Long (Author), Paul Perry (Author).

Take care, everybody....

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reader   

Dear MayFGL

Thank you for sharing the story of the 94 year old man getting married and needing a "pill." I was teary tonight thinking of my dad. And this story made me smile.

I hope both your feet heal soon so you can resume walking. I know what you mean about taking pills. I'm so stubborn. I hate going to the doctor as well. And here I was forcing my dad to see the doctor and every specialist under the sun. He never understood what the point was. The doctor thought he was helping my dad. I thought I was too. But in the end, my father's health was in decline. I was fighting for more time, but it was not meant to be. Still feel horrible pain and sorrow, but know I need to still carry on.

Dear MissionBlue:

You have my eternal gratitude. Thank you so much for your kind reply. I find so much compassion, thoughtfulness and helpfulness in your replies. And so much comfort as well. Makes me feel less alone in my thoughts and feelings. I'm with you. I don't understand people who abuse their parent and grandparents either. We seem to live in a crazy world.

I think its something in my personality that likes to ruminate and dwell. I have these thoughts that keep circling in my brain and won't let me go. But I will try to follow Buddha.:-)  And thank you for the article about guilt. That is also so true. Guilt is horrible and useless emotion. Everyone says I must throw it away, but I just can't right now. Maybe with more time.

Thank you again to everyone for their replies. For sharing your stories. For holding me up during my grief journey.

Have a good weekend! With love and hugs to all.

 

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Hello Everyone

So good to get back here and see many of you who have helped me throughout my grieving process.  Also nice to see new people find their way to this supportive site.  I will always be grateful to those who run this site and all of the wonderful and caring people who come here.

Things are going well with me.  I am finally hooked up with rehab for my knee.  I am confident that they will help me get this leg strengthened and eventually back to work.  

In catching up on the posts I see that we're all in the same boat in being faced with real life things like health problems, relationship problems, difficult feelings, and missing our parent(s) and everything in between.  I love the support that is shared here.  YOU GUYS ROCK! 

I have some errands to run but will check back in later but in the mean time, just know what a wonderful bunch of people you guys are.

have a great day

Cindy Jane

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Cindy Jane, it's good to see you pop in--I hope your knee will improve through the spring w/ rehab!

May, I happened to have found one Nyquil I bought on the kitchen counter. I didn't think I stuck it there and forgot about it! As for my dad, no one knows if he has gall bladder cancer: because his kidneys and heart are very weak, the surgeon is afraid that he would not be about to survive the staging tests. That was last Friday: he also happened to have caught the flu. I think I caught it from him!!

Eliz, I will have more memories to share later, but just wanted to say that today is a day that reminds me of all of our jaunts to the nearby mall: bright ,sunny, and warm. My mom was the one who drove (long story here which I will explain later), but suffice to say that we liked going out on Thursday or Friday afternoons because they weren't quite as congested as on the weekends. These weren't necessarily long trips--they would be anywhere between 2 and 4 hours--but Mom and I would sometimes head to Macy's, look around together before separating; then we'd meet for tea or coffee. Much of the time we did not pick up anything--I did the vast majority of clothes shopping on ebay (go to stores to look, go home and find it on ebay)--but it was still fun to browse and dream together. Sometimes, on the way back, we'd stop for pizza or go to the grocery. They were simple pleasures, but pleasures all the same.

But then mom has been my shopping buddy for years. I'll never forget those sunn days in my early childhood she'd take me on the subway from the Bronx to Manhattan. I remember being fascinated by the fast pace, velocity, and sense of excitement. There was just so much MORE! Mom and I would resume these habits when we moved to Chicago. How fantastic it was to spend a day at Marshall Field's, revelling in the sheer abundance of clothes, and even books, as well as the famed sandwich room, the Walnut room, and the place for sundaes. Or getting away to the Bloomie's building to eat at one of our favorite Italian restaurants. Everything seemed brighter and possible with mom.

Then when I went to England for graduate study, we'd head to London for the weekends (mom usually stayed w/ me for a month.) How wonderful it was to hop on a bus, explore Selfridge's, Fenwick's New and Old Bond STreet, Piccadilly Mall, and eat at a carvery. Or stop for afternoon tea. How happy I was to to introduce her to new shops and restaurants! We would head back to Oxford happy but exhausted. Heck, even there on "home turf", I enjoyed hitting the shops and doing lunch with her at one of the many Indian restaurants. I always felt more than a little sad in the few days before her departure because I knew it meant a return to my lonely, humdrum life of a graduate student

When mom passed, I had many dreams about shopping with her. In many of them, I would dream that I bumped into her accidentally, i.e., that she had arrived at our meeting place earlier than expected. Sometimes, we were showing each other what we bought. At first, I felt depressed that these were just dreams--and sometimes I would cry. But I knew I was healing when I got up one morning and laughed that I had yet another dream about shopping. We did way too much of it! (I know mom would have laughed because we were already laughing about my shopping dreams.)

So enjoy your time with your daughter,Eliz. I am sad that I can not travel and shop with mom as we planned to do (we always thought Dad would be the first to go since he was so weak). But I am happy to seen as much of the earth as we could possibly manage. And bought more than enough (some clothes still have tickets!) Whether it was NYC, Taiwan, Japan, Munich, Salzburg, Paris, London, Oslo, mom has given me memories I will never forget. Her enthusiasm, her taste, insight, warmth made every shopping expedition worth it, regardless of anything we bought. After all, you can't buy experience. It's like the words of that Helen Reddy song, "You and me against the World" (in many ways, so evocative of our relationship):

"And when one of us is gone,
And one of us is left to carry on,
Then remembering will have to do,
Our memories alone will get us through
Think about the days of me and you,
Of you and me against the world."

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mspak   
On 5/28/2015 at 10:13 PM, Everly said:

Hi, I thought it might be nice to have a thread that is pinned to top of the Loss of Parent forum where we can chat daily and share things daily without having to start a new thread every time.  There is a post at the top of the Loss of Adult Child forum and it works well for them, they chat daily to each other and it's a good way to write and share your feeling daily where everything is in one thread where everyone can read and reply in once place.  

 

What do you think?  The moderator will pin this to the top if we think it's a good idea.

 

Thoughts?    I think is it a great idea; however, I get discouraged when looking for help and find some very long posts about anything but dealing with the loss of a parent. Not to be harsh but I'd rather not hear details of relationships with a boyfriend. Am I off here?  Are there other discussions in this forum where we could talk about other personal matters?  I guess i can just skip the long boyfriend posts. Just seems like maybe there might be a more appropriate post than "Loss of a Parent."  Is there a place for grieving significant other?  

 

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MsPak, the fact is that it is not always easy to just talk about the deceased: that is why Eve set up this thread. It's intended to let us voice our feelings at any given time, to share thoughts during a difficult period where some of us do not have understanding friends, family, partners, or spouses nearby.  Because many of us have become friends on this thread, it has naturally become easy to drift to topics not entirely focused on grief over one's parents. You should have seen some where we started writing short stories for the hell of it!

Let's not forget that none of us grieve in a vacuum. We are here in part because those around us neither fully care to or understand the intensity of our grief. We have relationships with others around us--siblings, spouses, children, the remaining parent, etc. Many times our own relationships with others are also influenced by our parents. Sometimes we feel terrible because a spouse does not show the same understanding that our deceased parent would. And although I don't have a partner, I have seen many spouses or those in a relationship get valuable help over their grief when their partner showed little empathy. It is as such that some posts are invariably long. 

Sometimes too, our feelings for the deceased have a lot to do with what they have done for us: hence, stories about how our parents have helped us over a failed marital/romantic relationship in the past. Or how we've reacted to their own failed relationships. While seemingly trivial, it's these recollections of how our parents have supported us emotionally and mentally that demonstrate just how much they loved us--and why we grieve in return.  That's why they really wouldn't be suitable for a section on grieving a significant other.

I think you're better off just starting a new thread and posting questions there if you hate wading through those posts so much.

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Well said, Silverkitties, thank you.  I guess I'm one of the biggest offenders with my ramblings about Ernesto.  All I can say in my defense is that I think one of the best ways to battle loneliness and grief is to form new relationships with people, if at all possible, when the people you already know can't be there for you.  While finding the right person isn't easy, sometimes just having someone to talk to and to watch tv with is better than mourning in silence in an empty house. 

 

 

 

 

 

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Well, I've been an offender here as well, Missionblue. But the only way I could ever explain the dimensions of my relationship w/ my mother was through her steady support for me. At the end of the day, the man who seemed to be so promising turned out to be a big nothing. It made me cherish my mom more than ever. Honestly, the whole experience I went through felt a bit like Sense and Sensibility.  Mom truly defined unconditional love for me--just like Mrs. Dashwood did for the Dashwood sisters.  I bring this up as I have no one and know I have no real opportunities at the time being to find a relationship. Finding a man is not at the apex of my needs right now; it's finding a decent job to provide for me over the years. I want that more than anything else at this point.

However, I hope everything works out with you and Ernesto. I get the impression that once you're moved, he will settle a bit and love you on your terms. He really cares for you--don't lose it. It's the chance of a lifetime. I can tell he is basically an honest person who has own little quirks too and a sense of fun. He almost wants to shelter you like your dad did and that's not a bad sign at all.

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Thank you again, Silverkitties.  Dealing with Ernesto and other men whom I've met since my father's death has made me appreciate all the more what a wonderful friendship I had with my father.  There is no substitute for unconditional love and having almost identical interests.  Ernesto was the first real boyfriend I ever had, and I appreciated the opportunity to vent about the trials and tribulations of living with someone who is so unlike my father or any of my relatives.  And yet, like you said, he has become a father figure to me, even though he's six years younger than me.  Just today Ernesto was saying that he thinks we were destined to meet, that we may have known each other in a previous life, but that doesn't mean we are compatible for marriage, because of our different cultures.  He wants me to find a good man who can love me and make me happy.  I also hope that he'll find a good woman who will be more subservient than I am.  Once more he has pledged to help me move and get situated in my new house.  Then he'll leave for Texas for a construction job for his son's godfather.  But when he's done he wants to come back to be my roommate/tenant again.  Sounds good to me.  I realize that at my age I may never find someone to love me, but I can't give up when I've barely started to socialize.  Ernesto came knocking on my door, like an answer to my prayers, because I'm not used to living alone.

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Silverkitties, in trying my hardest to be brief, I forgot to wish you the best of luck in finding a good job that will provide for you and make you happy.  One of the best things about this forum, this thread in particular,  is that nobody ever censures anybody, until today, but that's how it is in dealing with friends and relatives who don't understand our grief, even people who have lost their own parents. 

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Reader, many thanks to you and to others here for making me feel welcome in this forum, in spite of my lengthy posts. :)

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reader   

Dear MissonBlue:

I love all your posts! I don't think they are too lengthy at all. If anything, they are super articulate and thoughtful. And always make me feel better and understood. And feeling understood is not something I get very often.:-) You are a treasure to me. I'm so grateful for your insight and compassion. I'm so sorry you felt censured today. I have to agree with you, Silverkitties  expressed it brilliantly. Thank goodness we have a safe place to express more than our grief but also those issues that also tie into our grief. I can relate to so much that has been expressed so far. Makes me feel less alone. And I'm so grateful for everyone's support and kindness.

Dear Silverkitties

I'm with Mission, I hope you find a great job that you love and fulfills all your requirements. You have been an amazing daughter. There is so much on your shoulders, but you have been a warrior.  Thank you for giving us all hope and strength. I know its hard. But all of you have given me hope that I will make it too. There are many days when I want to give up. Losing my dad has been the hardest experience of my life. Death is a fact, but I hate it. I so badly wish my dad could have lived longer. Thank you all for letting me ramble and talk in circles.

Dear Cindy Jane

Glad you got rehab in place for your knee. I love your posts. I need the positivity more than ever. Hope you make a speedy recovery.

Have a great weekend everyone!!! With love and hugs, Reader

 

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Lisa k   

Hi everyone, I personally enjoy reading all your posts regardless of how long they are, wether or not they are related directly to our grief. We are all here for one reason, the loss of one or both of our parents. Alot of us here do not have partners or friends we can turn to so find ourselves reaching out to others that understand. It's only natural that at times we end up discussing other issues in our life.

Silver, it's always a pleasure to hear from you how your going wether good or bad. How is your dad. Is he at home or still in the hospital. Are you recovering from your flu. 

Missionblue,  I love hearing all your stories and how Ernesto is going and I think you are very talented when it comes to writing. I really do hope you will find happiness once your moved and settled and maybe that special someone is just waiting for you.

May, how are you doing?. 

Thanks to all of you for your kind words, I'm taking it one day at a time and trying to stay calm about all the treatments to come. I'm most scared of having an operation as I've never had to have one before and just feel scared about it, but it's awhile off yet.

Have a great weekend all.

Lisa 

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Dear Reader, your kind compliments and moral support warm my heart and fill me with gratitude.  Your posts here and on the other threads deeply impress me with your own compassion, intelligence and insight.   I wish more people would open up more about their personal lives and how they are coping with grief.  We are all anonymous here, except for those who have contacted each other privately and chosen to reveal their full names.   If a member can't relate to something someone writes, there are plenty of other posts to read. It's kind of cruel to tell anyone to go somewhere else, especially since everyone here has stayed on topic most of the time. Some of us are already dealing with a sense of isolation and rejection from our friends and relatives.   We come here to get away from judgmental people.  I find this forum more helpful than grief support groups in person, because in a live group each person only has so much time to be heard.  Here you can write as often as you need to, day or night.  

Dear Lisa, thank you so much for your very kind reassurance and for your good wishes.  I wish you the very best, too!   I will keep you in my prayers re your operation.  Even though I don't know which is the right religion, I still believe in God and pray to Him often.   I've been subscribed to a number of message boards through the years for various topics, and I must say this is the most civilized and compassionate group of people I've ever encountered.

Thank you to everyone for being here.  Even a negative post can have positive repercussions when you're dealing with wonderful people!

By the way, I just found a very eloquent answer to the age old question of why do bad things happen to good people?:

http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/622117/jewish/Why-Do-Bad-Things-Happen-to-Good-People.htm

Love and hugs to one and all.....

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Dgiirl   

I am a bit confused on how the chats are off topic.  Reading the initial purpose for this thread is for people to talk daily. Surely, we are not all meant to talk daily about only our grief as that is no way to heal from our grief.  

From my experience on other forums, a thread like this is a good idea as this allows all general discussions to be placed in one location and stops other threads from being hijacked.  If someone wants dedicated support, they are welcomed and encouraged to create a new thread. 

Having said all that, I am not very much of a talker and a lot has been said between my few posts.  Some people were nice to reply to my post and I've yet to reply.  Partly because the topic has moved to another, and partly because I am still new and not sure how to respond, but I have also been feeling guilty for not replying.

I guess for a newbie who is quite, it can be a bit intimidating to post a new thread purely for me, and this thread gets the majority of activity which feels a little less threatening. At the same time this thread can also be intimidating and intense with such long discussions. Some of which might be too much for me to handle at the moment due to my own moment in grief. For me personally, when some of the posts are a little too much for me, I just skip over or read later.

I'm not sure if there is an introduce yourself thread where those who feel intimidated posting, can post there first and be greeted and encouraged to post their own thread?

I'm not sure if anything I said makes sense.  Been having a rough week, where everything I say has inadvertently offended someone :(

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Hi, Dgiirl:  Thank you for posting.  I think it's perfectly fine to just lurk if that's all you feel like doing.  Some of us prefer to have a dialogue.  I appreciate the insightful replies and the feeling of not being alone in my grief.  Otherwise, I would just keep a private journal.  One of the reasons I post here more than on the other threads is that I am more likely to receive a reply, because some of us members have become friends, but we are in no way a clique.  Everyone is welcome to comment and express how they are feeling, good or bad.  If you would like to comment on something many posts previous, you can always quote from that post in your reply.  I doubt that anyone would feel like you're interrupting a private conversation.   There are private messages and chat rooms for that. 

I don't know how others are set up, but I don't receive notifications in my email if someone posts.  I come to check on the site manually.  So even little thank you posts don't crowd up my email box.  I know this is an issue on other forums where people get upset when there are too many posts being sent to their email box.  
Grief affects concentration, so it's normal to find long posts intimidating, but it's not like you're going to be tested on anything.  People usually reply when they read something that resonates with their own personal experience.   I admit that sometimes it's hard to keep track of everybody's stories, which is why it is helpful to put some basic info in your profile. 

That is a good idea about an introduce yourself thread, so people can refer back to your introductory information.  I personally have always been shy about introducing myself on a new forum.  What if I say hello and nobody says hello back? -- to me that would be dreadful!!!!    I prefer to jump right in and respond to a post or just tell my story.  If someone replies back that's great, and if not, then I don't take it personally. 

I'm very sorry you're having a rough week.  Watching a parent die is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I've lost loved ones before, but nothing compares to this!   There should be classes in school to prepare us for this transition, but I doubt that anything can prepare us for this horrible reality.  The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are War, Famine, Pestilence and Death....Death is the worst ever, because wars can end in peace, famine can be reversed, pestilence can be cured, but Death is final and not a single person can ever be replaced.

Take care and thank you again for expressing your opinion. 

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Dgiirl   

Thank you MB.  I agree in a lot what you said and try not to take anything too personal.  I have always felt welcomed here and I know most of my feelings are because of my grief and nothing else.

 

 Its bad enough that I am grieving my Dad but I still have work and family obligations.  I'm doing OK personally but I'm struggling with other peoples bs  atm which distracts from my own grief. My mother and now a new team member are extremely sensitive, emotional and irrational people and I need to figure out how to deal with their irrational needs and no matter what I do, I'm accused of doing something nefarious.  I simply cannot win.  I have talked with others to see if it's me or them and it is indeed them as it's a repeating pattern. I really do not know how to deal with irrational people and I'm at the brink of walking away from both.  I so wish my Dad was here because he would manage my mother and I would ask him for guidance with work.  He is the one and only person who gave me unconditional love. It is so hard to be without that right now

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Behh4   

Hello, my name is nikki and I just lost my grandfather last week. I know this is a parents board but he was the only father figure I've had my entire life. His health quickly deteriorated in a matter of two months, one month spent in the hospital. He asked to come home on hospice and passed that very night he came home. My grandmother is obviously heartbroken and I can't fix it for her. All I can do is be there to support her but it puts so much pressure on me as I have four young children (2 of which I am trying to adopt through foster care.) With the passing of one of my favorite people in my life, and all the other stress right now I just don't know how to handle this grief. To top it off, my husband travels a lot this time of year and I don't think he is coming to the memorial service. If he doesn't, I don't think I could ever forgive him for that. 

Thank you for reading. I just decided after lurking a couple pages to just post. 

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