Everly

Loss of a parent - daily thread

2,179 posts in this topic

Hi all my friends, 

Reader, this journey is so painful and only others that have experienced it truly understand. We all live with some regrets and we need to forgive ourselves as we are only human, I know it's hard sometimes. The day before my mum died , I screamed at her that I couldn't take any more. She said to me " Lisa it's time I died". I live with that everyday and think how could I have said and done that. I then screamed back that I didn't want her to die and I told her how sorry I was and cried like a baby into her lap. She passed the next day and it eats me up. The stress of caring for someone terminally ill is so hard. My mum was everything to me and to watch her suffer so much was too much to witness. My brother is schizophrenic and I also was trying to look after him, I promised my mum I would when she was gone. He became addicted to benzos and still is so the stress is never ending. We did the best we could under extreme stress and our parents wouldn't want us to feel this way. You did everything you could for your dad. I also feel no purpose now she is gone and it's just so hard to live each day knowing we can never see or talk to them again. 

May, I remember one night my mum had an explosion of poo because the palliative care nurse came earlier in the day and gave her suppositories because she couldn't go for all the morphine.  That night I swear I have never seen so much mess. I had no idea how to even start to clean her up. My brother and I carried her to the shower as there was no other way and we both cleaned her up. Being a carer is not easy especially when it comes to changing them and keeping them comfortable. I cried for my mum at the indignities she had to endure. 

My test results are in and I have breast cancer. It's a relief to finally know. I will need surgery and most likely chemo. I feel scared and I don't know how my brother will cope. I have told him and I know he is scared too. I fear I will be so sick I can't get off the bed.I'm trying to stay calm but because of my anxiety disorder it is so hard. I want my mum so bad just to be by my side through this but she is gone forever and I find myself almost grieving her like she passed yesterday. 

Every new year seems to bring some bad news and I can't help but think this is some kind of punishment. January 2015 my mum gets told she is dying. February 2016 I had a heart attack. Now January 2017 I have cancer. What's next I find myself wondering. 

Just knowing I have to go back to the very place my mum spent so much time at makes me feel sick to my stomach, like dajavu all over again. I've yet to see an oncologist to see what they say and I'm not looking forward to any of it.

Silver, your in my thoughts with your dad. I do hope there is something they can do. Maybe your dad has regrets and truly doesn't want you to be alone. 

Missionblue, how you doing regarding the house and Ernesto? .

Hugs to all 

Lisa 

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Silver... my prayers and thoughts to your Dad :(  I know it must be hard even though he has been a pain, it's still so hard to see your parent sick :(  Will he be coming home to stay?

Lisa, I am so sorry to hear the news of possible cancer :( When do you get the actual results?  I know how scared you must be.. I would be too.  I have a lump in the back of my neck... I have to get it checked out at my physical, I am scared a little too :(

Mission.. I'm sorry about Ernesto.  Relationships are hard even on good days.  

Well you all remember when I was cleaning out my Mom's condo in craziness last year.. there wasn't time for organization.  I put most stuff in storage, donated a ton, and alot in my spare bedroom.  Mostly her papers from her work desk and then her bedroom stuff, sewing stuff, etc went to my spare bedroom... hence it was a mess.  Overstuffed boxes just sitting in there, I couldn't even get to my sewing machine.. but organizing it is like walking into an open hole of pain.  However, when hubby and I got back from vacation last week, I just looked in there and thought I have to be strong and organize that room.  So Saturday, I first went to a pancake run with my running friends... it was an organized run, then the group cooked pancakes, and it was ever so yummy!!  I then got strong, drove right to the store, and bought small moving boxes.  I simply transferred the things from one unorganized box to an organized box, sealed the lid and stacked it against the wall.  20 more times I had 20 nice stacked boxes in my spare bedroom and it looks amazing and I can get to my sewing machine.  Took me the entire day, I mean 8 hours worth :(   I was a complete mess by Saturday night.  I just cannot believe how painful it is to go through her things :(  ... and I really don't go through too much... I just moved things from one box to another.. it's too hard to read her journals, see her notes, her address book, her crossword puzzles, her everything :(  I realized that day it is going to take me years to go through the boxes intimately and I won't just toss them, because every time I do go through them, I find something even more special.  Its just still so painful 2 years 3 months later.

Also, I found a nice bible study group, about time!!  I've been looking for one for a few years and never found the right group of women.  Finally I walked into one last Monday night and it's so nice... the women are super sweet, and I am learning about Jesus.  I want to learn about Jesus before I die.  I don't know the bible much... I couldn't recite much about his resurrection, and I certainly don't know alot about the holy spirit, but I am learning..  It's so fun.  The best part is I bring my Mom's bible to the study with me, and it's filled with all her writings.  So many notes and writings in her bible.  I was sitting next to a lady last night in the class and I thought she probably thinks I have doing this bible thing for a long time by all the writings in my bible, but little does she know it's my Moms, LOL!  I don't talk about my Mom anymore to large groups or strangers.  I realized after a while I don't have to tell the world that she is gone.  Sometimes I just want to keep my Mom and her story to myself.  If someone were to ask me about her, I will tell, but I don't offer anymore that she is gone.  I'm glad I've come to the realization that I don't have to share her story all the time.  It's nice.

I see there are lots of new people on here, and my heart goes out to you.  Losing your parent is just awful... I wonder sometimes how I made it through that physical pain that first year and a half.  Glad I found this board 2 years ago, you have all helped me alot.

I love you all.

Eve

 

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Lisa, I am so sorry :(  When is surgery?  Will they just remove the lump?  Lisa, has the cancer spread or no?

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Eve, so good to hear from you. Your missed here. I have to see an oncologist hopefully in a week or so but my doctor says it's  a ductal carcinoma and it hasn't spread to the lymph nodes which is good.until I get appointment I have no idea wether I will need a mastectomy or lumpectomy. Lol I'm so small busted anyway probably won't notice. 

Missionblue, i am sorry to hear Ernesto is not treating you nicely. You deserve so much more. You wouldn't think just being friends is this hard. I know how bad loneliness can feel when we have spent our entire lives with a parent.  It's a void nobody can ever replace, we have to just live with it. I hope a new home and move will bring you much joy in time.

Cindyjane, thanks for your kind words, you are always so positive and give us all hope that we will all feel this way at some point. How is your rehab going?.

Athina , I'm not sure if we ever get over losing a parent but I hope in time we all learn to cope somehow. It has been the most cruelest thing to go through. My mum was only 66 and I always imagined taking care of her into her old age. This life can be so cruel and trying to navigate our way through grief is one of the toughest journeys i think we have to endure. 

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Dear MissionBlue: Thank you for sharing more of your father's story with us. I felt the same as you. I never wanted my dad to feel alone or abandoned. He had no family in town just his kids. All my siblings went on with their lives and I stayed. Like you said, now I am the one feeling alone and abandoned. I know death is part of the life cycle, but I'm still struggling with this loss.

I'm so sorry to hear you had another fight with Ernesto. But you are absolutely right. Its better to be alone than to be with someone that cannot show us any kindness or consideration in return. From what I've read from you, I can tell how generous, kind and giving you are. And you deserve to have that in return.

Dear Lisa: Thank you for your words of support and comfort. I hope I can forgive myself one day. I know we are only human, but I still cannot stop myself from torturing myself about the what-ifs. Miss seeing my dad every day. I took everything for granted it seems, when I told myself I wouldn't. I know I cannot change the past and must focus on the future. But right now, I cannot see a future without my dad. I just can't, maybe its just too soon.

I'm so sorry to hear about your cancer diagnosis. Please know we are all here to support you. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

 

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Hi there. I lost my mother on January 9th. I am 32 years old and she never got to meet my grandchildren. That is really hard for me to imagine. 

I feel like everyone else has just moved on with their lives but I want to remember her. I have taken a leave from my job because I am experiencing depression and my doctor approved me taking time off. I want things to get better, but I feel like I am living in a fog and I don't want to forget her. Does this get any better?

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Lisa, darling, my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry about your diagnosis, life is so unfair. Let's just hope it's curable. Really, sometimes I'm just scared to live. Your mother was also so so young. I also never imagined my mother would die in her 60s. 

Gardenhat, yesterday was 3 months since my mother died. And I miss her more than ever. I live with this pain. But I have to admit that her death has affected me in ways that I've become really scared that something bad will happen to the rest of my family. Because life can changed in a second. Gladly, my mother met her grandkids, but they are too young to remember. They don't understand how grandma is not here. I try not to think too much ahead because I can go crazy. 

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Lisa, your post about dealing with your mom's illness moved me to tears.  I will never understand why good people have to suffer.  Just by the way you express yourself, it's obvious that you were a great daughter to your mother and she knew how much you loved her.  We vent to the ones we love, because we know they are not going to stop loving us and oftentimes they are the only person who can understand or care how we feel.  You were probably channeling how your mom also felt.  Who wouldn't feel pushed to the limit under those circumstances?   The bad things that happen to us do feel like a punishment, and all the good things are like a reward.  Life is more complicated than that, but I think most of us won the parent lottery or we wouldn't miss our parents so terribly.  Like that song from "The Sound of Music":
Nothing comes from nothing
Nothing ever could
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good
 
When my dad was dying, I called my brother in desperation to come to the hospital.  At the end of my phone message, I said, "I can't take this anymore, and started crying softly, so my dad wouldn't hear me.  He was unconscious by that time from the morphine. Then when my brother arrived, I asked him did he come over so quickly because I cried in my message?  He replied no, because he hadn't listened to my entire message and deleted it right away.  He didn't have the patience or curiosity to listen to my entire phone message.  He said sorry, and all I could do was roll my eyes.  I'm glad he came to the hospital at the end, but I'll never forget how it took him five months to take my dad out to dinner for his last birthday.  He was only his stepfather, but he was the only father he ever had and a far better man than my brother's filthy rich biological dad who disowned him.  I hope his biodad rots in hell. 
 
During our argument last night, Ernesto asked me why is it that my brother hardly calls and doesn't offer to help me move?  What did I do to him to make him stay away?  I had already explained about my brother before, that he started becoming more aloof after I loaned him $15,000 to get out of credit card debt.  Getting a loan is easy, paying it back is hard, especially when you'd rather spend the money on world travel, so I countered, "You have six brothers and sisters, and only one sister still calls you regularly and several have tried to cheat you!  What did you do to all five of your siblings?  By your own reasoning, you must be the devil incarnate!"  He replied, "I came to America and now they all want money from me, but I can only afford to send money to my mother and to my blind sister."
 
I wish there were some easy way to take away this pain and sorrow.  Ernesto said that one curandero told him that a good way to have a spiritual cleansing is to bathe under a waterfall.   By the way, Ernesto and I seem to be patching things up yet again.  I don't know how he feels about me, but I'm pretty sure I love him in spite of all his faults.   I can't just switch off my feelings.  I enjoy being with him when he's nice.  This morning I asked him to return the keys to the front door, gate, basement and cottage.  He refused.  I don't know if I have a legal right to ask for the keys -- we don't have a formal lease.  He said I can't separate him from his things.  I said I have no intention of keeping your things, but you can knock on the door like a proper stranger, since you don't want to act like a friend.  I can change the locks, but I don't think it will be necessary anymore.  He came back this evening in a different frame of mind.  He said he swore that he would help me move, and that he is a man of his word.  Before he moves to Texas, he wants to be sure that I am in a good place.  He has a job offer in Texas from a friend.  The argument started because he didn't want to help me with my first sidewalk sale, even though I'm willing to pay him for his time.  I needed to know for sure, before I placed the newspaper ad.  I can't do it by myself, so I had to cancel the sale.  He explained that he didn't want to sit out there for hours like a fool while nobody buys anything.  I said I don't like it either, but how do you know they won't buy anything unless we try?  The money is going to help pay your wages.  He's as stubborn as a mule.  Anyway, I think having a sidewalk sale would get the nasty neighbors up in arms over the lack of parking spaces again.  I'll have to wait until I can buy a house with a garage and have a proper garage sale.  I might try Craigslist next, but I worry about the Craigslist Killer. 
 
Reader, I also feel like I took my dad for granted, even after I told myself I shouldn't.  I had so much faith in his will to live -- I thought he would recover from his last crisis like he had done all the rest.  I was even glad that he was in the hospital, thinking he would be getting the extra care and tests he needed, until things went terribly wrong.  We kept getting these heartless doctors and nurses who were saying insensitive things and pushing for hospice.  I don't think they did for him all they could have done, but I can't prove it. 
 
I think part of our problem is that we had fathers who were stoic.  Sometimes, my dad would tell me he had a pain somewhere but it's gone now.  I'd ask why didn't you tell me that before, and he'd say that he didn't want to worry me.  So then I would worry that he's in pain and not telling me.  I was constantly asking him, "Are you ok?"  He didn't like being treated like a patient -- he wanted a normal life.  He didn't even like admitting he was old.  We used to laugh when we saw the coming attractions for "Red" when John Malkovich states, "Old man my ass."
 
Gardenhat, welcome.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  You won't ever forget your mom, but it's normal to feel like you might, if you stop thinking about her.  Grief is a unique experience for everyone, but for many people it takes a very long time to recover from the deep feelings of sadness and emptiness.  We never fully recover, but we learn to adapt to our new reality.  Grief is a natural reaction to loss, so the mind and body will process the emotions as best they can.  Allowing yourself to express your feelings, if you feel the need, in therapy, grief support groups and online forums like this one can be a great help.  There are a lot of wonderful people here who understand what you are going through.  Take care.  Be kind and patient with yourself.   I wish you and everyone here the best.

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Reader: Thank you for your kind words. It's really not fair where you took all the responsibilities of caring for your father. Do all your siblings live in the same city? They should've all taken turns helping out. It was their dad, too. I think we all go through the what ifs, could've's and should've's. Our parents may be hard to deal with at times, but deep inside we love them and want what's best for them. You were there for your parents. Leading them in the right direction and being a translator for them. You put your parents first before anything like I did with mom.  

I had some help, but it was mainly me. When everyone goes off to work, it leaves me and my sisters-in-law. Most of the time I think mom felt more comfortable calling me than calling her daughter-in-law. Mom didn't understand that I needed a break, too. I'm no superwoman. Mom had fallen several times on several occasions. Her falls were a very close calls. She fell backwards twice next to a short bed post. Each time her head was 1"-2" away from the bed post. That fall could've been fatal if mom had hit her head. I shudder every time I think of that. She also fell in the bathtub vertically with her feet sticking out the tub. Her back and head was bruised. It was a good thing there were no broken bones. Mom was very strong. I remember when mom used to take my sister and I a bath, she would rub our skin to get rid of the dead skin. We didn't want to be first because mom rubbed hard. I remember I sprained my foot badly playing basketball. She would rub with dit da jow. Boy, I dreaded it. I know you had to rub hard for it to work. Then, I heard that pop. Mom put it back in place. Those were the good old days...I think. lol

MissionBlue: I'm sorry you and Ernesto had another fight. You deserve so much better. You don't deserve to be scolded just because you're making conversation. You're way too nice and a very caring person. How many times has he gone off on you over little stuff?! Like you said, maybe you'll be happier living alone. But at the same time, living alone sucks.

I just spoke to my neighbor yesterday. She's a very sweet lady. She lives alone in a two-story house. Her husband died years ago. He was a cop and a good man. She was talking about her health. She has problems with her eye, hip, knee, back and is diabetic. Then, one thing led to another and she was crying. She said that she was lonely with no one to talk to. Her family doesn't ever come around. I felt so sorry for her. I gave her a hug. I cried. I think I will start paying her a visit from time to time and have lunch or coffee with her.

Lisa: My thoughts and prayers are with you. We'll get through this together, you are not alone in this fight. We may not be right there with you, but in spirit we are. You are strong. You can do this. Never, never, never give up. We are here for you. We love you.

Eve: Where have you been? We missed you. So good to hear from you. You deserve a pat on your back for getting the room organized. It's something that you've been wanting to do. Finally, you can breathe a little. You should seriously get that lump checked out. Please don't delay. 

Silverkitties: You must be overwhelmed with everything. Thinking of you.

Gardenhat: Welcome! I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom 22 months ago from a massive stroke. I think about her every single day. You will never forget your mom. It's been a painful journey, but it gets better with time. Unfortunately, there are those who want us to move on and get over it. They don't understand that it's our mom/dad that died and is no longer here. Everyone grieves differently. Allow yourself to grieve. Take it day by day.  

Love and Hugs to all

May

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Hi All, hope everyone is doing well and finding their way through their grief.  I've had a few breakdowns this week, I can be good for awhile and then something I see on TV or something I find while going through my dad's stuff will set me off. I guess it will be like that for awhile, heck it's not even a full 4 weeks yet so what do I expect?

I find the best way to deal with things is by staying as busy as I can.  Yesterday after working half a day, I went to the bank to meet with my financial adviser so we could discuss what the best way to use my inheritance money was.  We left most of it in my savings, put some in my IRA account for both last year and this year and then some will be put into the stock market.  He punched in some #'s on the computer and I was pleased to see that it said I have about a 99% chance of success for meeting my retirement goals by age 67 (I'm 53 now).  After the bank my brother came over for a few hrs. and we went through some things and also discussed some plans for what we will be doing about the house and it's contents over the course of the next year.  Then I went over to the AT&T store to cancel my dad's cell phone plan and was please to find out that they would wipe out the balance due on the account.  

Then last night I finally booked my flight to Vegas so now that trip is completely finalized (only 7 weeks to go, can't wait!!).

Today I threw out two more bags of his clothes and shoes. Then I took his plant and one of the lovely birds that he used to carved to my next door neighbor who was a dear friend of his. Spent an hr. over there talking to her and playing with her 3 dogs. She invited me out to see a band this Sat. nightwith some friends of hers (all who knew and loved my dad), so that will be good for me.

Right now I'm just relaxing and drinking some of my dad's favorite scotch. It's not my first preference, but drinking it helps me feel close to him.  

Sending hugs and love to all of you!

 

 

 

 

 

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1 yr. ago this evening, I lost my beloved Mother to lung cancer.  I feel so terribly sorry for all going thru this type of grief!  I felt suicidal for most of this past year and just only recently got a 'sign' from her--at least I believe it was.  That has brought me some peace, but NOTHING will ever fill that void that your parent leaves--NOTHING!  I have leaned on God heavily, which is the one good thing that woke me out of this nightmare.  For you 'newbies', all I can tell you is that this takes time--lots and lots of time!  My husband was telling me already at 6 months that I should be over 'it'.  Are you kidding me?!  I can't even begin to get into how  close I was to both of my parents and how they were such a huge part of my life---unlike the relationship my siblings had with our folks.  If I told you how awful it truly was, you would NOT believe people could act that way--literally over their Mother's death bed.  I've been thinking about this date for the last 364 days and wondering how would it feel?  I'll tell you how it feels--like I can't wait to be with her again!!  I am now opting to believe she is an angel looking over my shoulder and still able to commiserate with me over the silly shows we watched, or how crazy the political scene has become, or what's the best way to make marinara sauce, or her re-folding my linens because I was so sloppy at it. Too many little and big issues to mention--somehow we found things to talk about 3x a day, just about every single day for the past 20 years.  My God, I miss her more than I can ever express as I know you all miss your loved ones as well.  Please hang in there, give yourself as much time as you need to get through this and don't let anyone make you feel bad for grieving!  Grief is an expression of love --so yes, it's gonna hurt, a lot! But the love will come through the pain again one day.  May you all be blessed with comfort on your own grief journey. 

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Dear MissionBlue: Thank you so much, I take so much comfort in all your words. Everything you said is what I was thinking. I thought my dad would just recover and come home from the hospital. He had survived the stroke. He smoked his whole life and didn't even get cancer. I never allowed myself to believe he would die. It just never crossed my mind. But like you said, my dad was also stubborn. Never wanted to go to the doctor. No longer wanted to take his pills. He wanted to be independent as much as possible. Still hurts. Still angry at myself for not doing more the last year of his life. I knew things weren't right and I just kept thinking maybe this is our new normal and I should just accept it. I should have fought harder to save him. Or dig deeper and find more patience for him. Thank you again for sharing your experiences with your dad with me. Makes me feel less alone. Thank you for expressing what I'm feeling and thinking so perfecting and eloquently.

Dear MayFGL: I wanted to wish you a Happy Chinese New Year! And thank you again for all your support. About my siblings, I have two that lived in the same town and one that lived on the other side of the country. We all loved my dad, but we didn't agree about how much time to give him. I wanted to give my dad as much time as possible. But they all had their own lives to lead. I did grow very resentful and angry. But I still carried on. I'm with you. I wish my dad realized how much I was doing. I think I just wanted a simple thank you or please. But I never got one. Like you said, we are all human and sometimes everything just takes a toll. Your mom was so lucky to have you. I so badly wish I had a daughter that would be willing to take care of me in my golden years.

Dear Gardenhat: My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your mother. Glad you are here. I'm so grateful for all the support I've found.

Dear NewMorning: I'm so sorry for all your pain and sorrow. Thank you for sharing your mom with us. Thinking of you.

Dear Belle: I think its only normal to have breakdowns so soon after your dad's passing. Its overwhelming. I think its normal especially going through  a lifetime of belongings. Its brings a rush of memories back. I cried while I dropped off my father's clothes to the homeless shelter. I wanted someone to use those items, but also sad about what it meant. Glad you are going to Vegas. And you are keeping busy.

Dear Lisa: How are you? Thinking of you.

 

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MissionBlue and Reader, I hope in time you will both be able to not be angry at yourselves or have guilt over what you didn't do and just realize that you did all you could with the knowledge you had and with the info provided to you by your dads. Your dads sound so much like mine with their stubborn ways. As I believe I mentioned in a previous post, apparently my dad told our neighbor just a within a week at the most before his passing that he didn't think he'd be around much longer. But that was something that he never voiced to me and I imagine it's because he knew if he had, I'd have been dragging him to the Doctor.  Now I could sit here and go over many things that would make me feel regret and question if I there was anything I could have done differently to change the outcome, but I'm not doing that since it's not going to change anything now.  

I miss my dad and I wish he was here to still drive me crazy like he sometimes could, but I'm also taking solace in knowing he is where he wanted to be. He's been saying for years that he didn't care if he lived another year, he missed my mom and he didn't like the way this world was going and had reached a point where he'd just had enough.  

 

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You remember when I was complaining that my mom was not in my dreams. So the last couple of days she's been in my dreams in the most ordinary ways: we were going somewhere, having fun, I even yield at her. It is good to have such dreams because it feels like I had a moment with her, one more moment. But it's also heartbreaking. I want her back so terribly. 

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Belle: Great that you are keeping busy. Keeping busy really helps, but at times even doing that, I will think about mom. Like when I was helping my grand nephew with his homework last week. I was waiting for him to write down the answer and suddenly there were tears coming down my face. I've been thinking about mom alot these few days because it's near Chinese New Year near the date my mom left us. Vegas. Here we come! :) Have you been out there before? I would like to go again. The last time I was there MGM casino was still in the works. 

New Morning: I haven't heard from you in awhile. It's so true what you said that it hurts alot. I had times about joining mom, too. Grieving sure sucks! 

Reader: Gong Hay Fat Choi!! We get to celebrate two new years--American and Chinese. When you mentioned about wanting a simple "thank you" from your dad and didn't get any, I think that's the general Chinese way according to youtube. I subscribe to a youtube channel that these two Chinese guys talks about various topics. They talked about Chinese, in general, don't like to hug, say "thank you" or "i love you" within the family. But, deep inside they do appreciate it. They don't like to show love to their kids. I find that true. Like my siblings, we don't hug because it feels weird. The only person that I hugged was my mom.  I really wished she was here so that I can hug her more. So, I think your dad appreciated all you did. He was so lucky to have you as his daughter.

MissionBlue: My mom was stubborn as well. I guess when they're aging it becomes a problem. I can sympathize with Ernesto when he talked about not being able to help his siblings that all they're after is money. Every year my mom would send money to her aunt in China. They always talked about how poor they were. One day we found out that they were really well off. They had a business and was living in a 2-story house. I told my mom to stop sending them money. I mean, here we are sweating to make money and they think money falls from the sky, but mom never listened. She continued to send money. Be real careful if you choose Craigslist. There are lots of crazy people out there.

Silverkitties: Happy Chinese New Year! Thinking of you!

 

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Belle: Its so true. I think our dads knew. Someone else had said something similar that people get tired of living. They've had enough.  My dad was never the same after the stroke. There were no more smiles. No more laughs. He was a shell of his former self. He longed for his old life of independence. I wanted him to live to 100 but it wasn't in the cards. The smoking and eating poorly had finally taken its toll. Me too. I wish my dad was still here to frustrate me. Still doesn't feel real to me. Keep thinking I will see him tomorrow. 

Athina: I know how much you love and miss your mother. Its so hard. This new reality is unbearable. Glad  you were able to see her in your dreams. I had a dream that they moved my father's grave site. And I couldn't find him. I wish I had a good dream. A dream where I had saved him and he was still alive. Wish so badly he could share one more year with us.

MayFGL: Thank you for the good wishes! And always for your kind words. Its so true about the Chinese culture. But with my own nieces and nephews. I love hugging and kissing them and telling them I love you. Since my dad's passing, I feel like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like this is the beginning of something bad and bad things will just keep happening. I'm normally a proactive person, but this year I can bring myself to be positive at all. I think I know which YouTube channel you are referring to. I'm seen some of their videos from "Off The Wall" and one of the guys does another channel featuring food. I know what you mean. My emotions sometimes catch me off guard. I find I cry more often now or at unexpected times. Thank you again for all your support and understanding.

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MayFGL-Yes I've been to Vegas several times. The first time was in 2010 and then I went back in 2014 and have been going every March since then.  Since it's my 4th straight year staying at the same hotel they are giving me two free nights and $15 free slot play.   

 

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Belle: Have a great time in Vegas! And win big! March will be here before we know it. I still cannot believe that its almost February. All the Christmas stuff is gone from the stores and its all Valentine's Day stuff.

Silver: How are things going? Thinking of you.

MayFGL: I hope you are enjoying the Chinese New Year festivities this weekend. My first one without my dad so its been hard. I know I'm not suppose to cry during this happy time. And I'm waiting till next week so I can go and visit him.

MissionBlue: How are things with you?

Take care my friends and have a good weekend!

 

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Hello, Everyone--May, Eve, Lisa, Reader, Missionblue, Athina, CindyJane, Belle, and some I may have inadvertently forgotten,

I would like to begin by wishing May, Reader, and all those who celebrate the Chinese New Year,  a Happy New Year. Although, as in the case of the Western New Year, it's hard to imagine so. I hope all of us will find  a little more happiness.

It's been a tough week. On Monday, a publisher wrote to me and asked if I would be interested in writing a textbook for them: it reminded me of 4 years ago when the textbook publisher informed me that my proposal was accepted: how happy mom and I were that day. Of course, since I was about to teach again on Tuesday, I couldnt  help but remember that day. And now, how different things are! My travel now involves a ride to the train/bus station, the ride to NY, then a ride to the university. It's 4 hours of travel each way: honestly, one leg of travel is twice  as long as my actual class! And yet, it's a class I enjoy and money that I need. Since I'm taking the bus rather than the train, the pangs are not as bitter; I'm mostly sitting there trying to read and nap. Sometimes, it's interesting to look through the apartment windows at night--even if it made me wish mom were beside me so we could reminisce.

However, her absence really hit me on Thursday when we arrived back an hour later. The station was pretty deserted; couldn't even find a cab.Meanwhile, other people were getting picked up by loved ones. It made me long for mom so hard.

It is so exhausting--and more so than 4 years ago when the class met only once a week.  The day after each class, I really slept in. Yesterday, however, I had to see my dad since the last time I saw him was Sunday. It was only right to do so. So I went.  At that time, he wanted to call one of his Taiwanese friends in the area on my phone, so I let him. Then I got ticked off as I thought of them. I started wishing death, cancer, everything, etc. on them and their children--out loud. To add insult to injury, a manager and nurse stopped by and told me to stop it--that it was disturbing people. (LOL, I should have said it in Taiwanese!)

I suppose it probably could be disturbing to anyone hearing it--especially where people are already sick. But it angers me so much that EVERYONE ELSE has something going for them, or someone helping them. I HAVE NO ONE! IT'S NOT FAIR!!! Everyone else has a husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, children, etc. so they have occasional bursts of life, and here I am worried about dad, about our future, and mine. Not one moment of respite or remote happiness. Can't spend money or shop otherwise.

GODDAMN ALL THE PHUCKING TAIWANESE ASS-OCIATION IN CONNECTICUT! GOD DAMN THEIR CHILDREN! GOD DAMN THEIR GRANDCHILDREN!!! MAY THEY END UP ILL, DISEASED, BURNED, MAIMED, MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY HANDICAPPED! I HOPE THEIR SKINNY LITTLE DAUGHTERS GET BLOODY RAPED IN THEIR KUNTS AND ASSES! I HOPE THEIR SONS GET BEATEN, RAPED, AND ROBBED! I HOPE DONALD TRUMP WILL DEPORT ALL OF THEM--THEY MIGHT AS WELL BE ILLEGAL!  I HOPE ALL THOSE ASSHOLES DRIVING AROUND TO PICK UP THEIR LOVED ONES SLIDE DOWN AN ICY ROAD AND HIT A 18-WHEELER! OR CRASH AND BURN! OR SLIDE INTO AN ICY RIVER! I WISH CANCER, STROKES, AND OTHER FATAL DISEASES ON THEM! GOD DAMN THEIR SKULLS! GOD DAMN THEIR BRAINS! GOD DAMN THEIR EYEBROWS! GOD DAMN THEIR EYES! GOD DAMN THEIR EYELASHES! GOD DAMN THEIR NOSES! GOD DAMN THEIR NOSTRILS! v GOD DAMN THEIR NOSTRIL HAIRS! GOD DAMN THEIR MOUTHS! GOD DAMN THEIR LIPS! GOD DAMN THEIR TONGUES! GOD DAMN THEIR TEETH!  GOD DAMN THEIR CHINS! GOD DAMN THEIR ESOPHAGUS! GOD DAMN THEIR LUNGS! GOD DAMN THEIR HEARTS (IF THEY HAVE ANY)! GOD DAMN THEIR STOMACHS! GOD DAMN THEIR LIVERS! GOD DAMN THEIR BILE DUCTS! GOD DAMN THEIR GALL BLADDERS! GOD DAMN THEIR KIDNEYS! GOD DAMN THEIR LARGE INTESTINE! GOD DAMN THEIR SMALL INTESTINE! GOD DAMN THEIR COLONS! GOD DAMN THEIR URETHRAS! GOD DAMN THEIR TESTICLES! GOD DAMN THEIR DIX! GOD DAMN THEIR UTERUS! GOD DAMN THEIR OVARIES! GOD DAMN THEIR KUNTS! GOD DAMN THEIR ANUS! GOD DAMN THEIR THIGHS! GOD DAMN THEIR KNEES! GOD DAMN THEIR CALVES! GOD DAMN THEIR ANKLES! GOD DAMN THEIR FEET! GOD DAMN THEIR TOES! GOD DAMN THEIR ARMS! GOD DAMN THEIR ELBOWS! GOD DAMN THEIR WRISTS! GOD DAMN THEIR FINGERS! GOD DAMN THEM ON THE YEAR OF THE BLOODY RED ROOSTER, COCKSUCKERS ALL! GOD DAMN THEM AND ALL THEIR HAPPY FAMILIES! MAY THEY SPEND 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, , 2021, ETC. MOURNING! THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE WHAT I DON'T HAVE! PHUCK THEM!!!!!

Ma, what you said about your relatives in China resonated with me. My parents were sending $300 a month in the 1970s to my dad's parents in Taiwan. Meanwhile,. they had a  really large house, at least twice the size of ours. My grandparents also spent much of the money on travel and gifts to my cousins in Taiwan. I got nothing at all.

And now, my dad is trying to get some money from his younger brother, as he took the bulk of the estate--presumably because he gave the grandparents even more. I told my dad he should have taken as much as possible earlier since HE was the oldest son after all and gave him $300 a month.

It really ticks me off because in the US, grandparents are usually the ones leaving money to their grandchildren for college. I NEVER GOT THAT ADVANTAGE--and this is in addition to the fact that my parents would not let me pursue my studies.

I wonder why I don't just commit suicide: sometimes, I think I was never meant to be born and or to be alive. My maternal grandmother did not want my parents to marry (not altogether unjustified). My mom had 2 miscarriages before she had me. It was as if God were telling my parents they should not have gotten together or created me.  I will never get what I want. I need a rich, highly educated man so I can sit at home and write books a la Barbara Tuchman--or give lectures.  I want someone who will read my stuff. Someone who will understand me.  Someone who can either drive me or hire a chauffeur. To get a nice,. private room when I am sick and be treated with respect. Let's face it, in America, you are only well treated when you are rich, married, and pretty. Be damned otherwise!

Right now, no one gives a shitt about me--with the possible exception of folks here on this board. No one feels compelled to call and ask how I am doing. Not even my cousins. One keeps asking me to learn to drive. I can't when I am stressed out!! why can't people understand that?????? i already have so much on my mind--the book, the class, and of course, my dad. Can you imagine if something were to happen to me?

Lisa, don't give up hope: breast cancer is not as deadly today as it was just even 10 years ago. I'm agnostic, but you are in my prayers. I do hope you improve.

And yes, Eve, do get that lump looked into! Your problem and Lisa's are just so unfair, given all of your suffering over your moms. And all your hard work: you've helped pack your mom's stuff while working on the estate while Lisa has revamped the garden. Your moms would be so proud. I hope it is not cancer; please tell us it is not.

Missionblue, I think Ernesto is a keeper--in spite of your difficulties. He may have his outbursts, but deep down he seems to care a lot. No relationship is ever very smooth. Even when I think back to my mom, we had LOTS of arguments, usually about the same things (dad). And many times I thought I was cursed. But when we got along, I knew there was no one better. I bless Ernesto for making you happy. I know no one wants to be told to be paient, but you've only lived w/ him for a year-- and he seems for the most part, willing to help you whenever opportune. Some people won't even do that.

Cindyjane, I hope you are doing better.

 

 

 

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Dear Silver,

I'm so sorry. I know there is so much on your shoulders. And its not easy and you are doing the best you can. I wish things were easier for you. I too have those feelings against my dad's and mom's families. I think people are innately selfish. I think we are people who feel things more and more sensitive to everything going on. Its never easy to be the one bearing all the burden and responsibility. But you are a survivor! And you have been strong. I know its hard.  I hope you will be able to write that textbook. Please know we all care. And we are here. Sorry I know words are so inadequate sometimes and I'm not the best writer in the first place. When you have been bearing the burden for so long its only natural to be angry at everyone. I hope you can get some rest. And let's hope and wish the Year of the Rooster is a better one for all of us. Thinking of you. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

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Silver, I truly am so sorry with all you've been through by yourself. Like you said, it's not fair at all. I wish I can take away all your pain and heartaches from you. You have so much on your shoulder. I have never met anyone like you. If I was in your shoes, I'd certainly be dead a long time ago from the stress that you go through daily. Wow, writing your book, paying bills, teaching, house chores and you're taking care of your dad. Taking care of your dad alone in itself is hard enough and it's a job in itself. The constant stress with money issues, about driving and Taiwanese Ass-ociation who turned the other cheek. You have so much on your plate. I'm with Reader, I'm not very good at writing and it sounds like I'm repeating myself and yes, I really hope you get some rest, too.

I hope this New Year will bring you good fortune, good health for you and your dad and prosperity. How is your dad doing? Any news on the test results that you're waiting on for your dad? I'm hoping and praying that everything comes out negative. We're all thinking of you and we support you. Love and Hugs. 

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Greetings to all.  I am just back from a night out. Went with my next door neighbor and some of her friends to see a band tonight at  a local bar.  She and these friends knew my dad as did the band (they used to go see the band with him).  It was bittersweet since the band dedicated their first set to my dad and the drummer also had the memorial card from the wake in his back pocket.  I choked up a few times during the night thinking that it should be my dad there instead of me, but also was glad that  I was there to see how many people loved him.   One of the other friends there is also a neighbor (two doors down) and she said she wants to take me out for a belated birthday meal and she has also decided to have a Super Bowl party, so I'll have that to look forward to rather then just sitting here alone at home.  

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Belle: Glad you had a good time with the band and being surrounded by people who remember and love your dad. It will be nice to be with your neighbor for a Superbowl party. That will be a lot of fun.

Silver: Thinking of you.

MayFGL: Thank you for supporting all of us. I hope you had a good Chinese New Year with lots of good food. I try not be tearful over my dad, but it has been hitting me hard this weekend. We went to the temple to give some prayers but it was also the same people that came to my dad's service. Reminders are too hard sometimes. I can't believe another weekend is coming to a close and we are heading to February. I know must keep living and carrying on, but some days are harder than others.

Take care my friends. And have a good week!

 

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I got the toxicology report back about my Mom.  Her death is ruled "acute polypharmaceutical toxicity."  She had been prescribed so many medications for her pain that they all worked together to stop her breathing.  I simultaneously want to jump out of my skin and lie down and die.  I felt like things couldn't get worse, but the idea that this could've been prevented--that I could still have a Mom, my baby could still have 2 grandmas--if a doctor hadn't prescribed her tons of pain medication is too much to bear.  I wish I could cut this baby out of me, give him to my husband, and just die.

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Hey my dearest grief friends. So we are finally back home, I am lying awake as I'm having a jet lag. I am sad to be home. I am sad about everything. I want my mom back terribly. 

Silver, I am with you. It is too much to take. You know, I came back from my trip and after talking to my dad and sister about everything, I asked if anybody has died or anything. You know, that kind of news. Of course, nobody died. Just my poor mommy had to die. 

YoWooYa, I was thinking about you. God damn, this is unbearable knowing that it could be prevented. This is just unbearable.

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