Everly

Loss of a parent - daily thread

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MissionBlue - Its so true. We women feel if we try hard enough, we can change someone but we can't. Everything comes down to the individual and their own wants and needs. You've been so good to Ernesto.  And you've been an amazing daughter. I hope you find the perfect house and the right person to share it with. Glad to hear you are going to join the Art Deco Society. Always nice to be around people with similar interests and passions. I admire you. Never too late to change or do something different. I wish I knew want I wanted to do, but I don't. Still feel very tired from the grief. I try to take comfort and strength from all you here. And know so many people share the same feelings and experiences. I know its still early for me, but I can't imagine a time when I will be happy again.

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Hello everybody. We have been traveling around Caribbean. I get it, it's so much easier to grieve when you do not have to sit in the office. Still, all I can do is think of my mother and why I had to lose her so young. Moreover, all these places remind me of the travels we did with her exactly two years ago. I remember like every single thing we did in the Dominican and how she liked it. No, I will never get to terms that she's gone. And at the moment I apparently do not want to be healed. I'm stuck in the period where not being sad makes me feel further from her. I do not feel her presence and though she's constantly on my mind, I also feel like she's somewhere really really far away.

Lisa, thinking of you. Hugs. Let's hope for the best. 

Szuzie, I am new here. I have lost my mother in her sixties because of the massive brain stroke and it all happened in a second that sometimes I still hope to wake up from my worst nightmare. I have young children, too. Mom was my main helper. My youngest daughter is 3 yrs. old, she's such a cutie, but literally now just looking at her hurts. Because she was always with my mother. My mom was looking after her since she was a 3 month old baby because I had to return to work. Every evening she asks about grandma, stating she's missed her and how long can she be dying? My mom loved her to the moon and back and it is unfair that she will not even remember her grandma. I literally feel like someone has shot a hole in me and left me bleeding. I remember in the beginning of 2016 a thought crossed me thinking that my parents were getting older. But I assumed they at least had ten more years because like everybody nowadaya manages to live up to at least 70, right? That were my thoughts in the beginning of the year 2016. How could I have been so stupid, making these silly plans? So people do die apparently. In the summer I had a dream that my mother died and I woke up all sweating but relieved. 

No, I ain't never ever accept the death of my dearest person in the world. I could live in this fog till my last days. I cannot come to the fact that there is nothing I can do to bring her back. I am so sorry my mom had worked so hard all her life and was not even able to retire properly, spend all her savings on things she adored. Literally, just thinking of the assests she left us make me sick. I don't want her money because I would feel guilty spending it. I am this close to the most unreasonable decisions in my life. I must have gone completely crazy. 

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Athina, I am very sorry you are having such a difficult time.  A cruise gives you a lot of time to think and that in itself is healing but also very painfui.  It is a very deep wound which everyone here has suffered.  You have to feel the emotions in order to get through them, even though it hurts like hell.  What you resist persists.  Just as a mother has to suffer to bring a new life into the world, we have to suffer to begin this new version of life we have before us.  I understand how the sadness makes you feel closer to your mom.  We want to participate in their suffering and loss of the world, and of us as well, but for all we know they could be far happier than we ever imagined.  As an agnostic, I don't know what to believe, but I still pray and it seems to help me feel better.  I was taught that prayers for the dead can help them to be happy.  It can't hurt.  God knows I tried to make my dad happy, but once he could no longer do all the things he could do before, naturally, he couldn't be as happy as he was before.  It's so hard to see our loved ones suffer, and now I feel sorry for myself, because I don't have my dear father with me.  He made my life worth living. 

You had every right to expect your mother to live longer.  Her passing was a horrible shock, because she was still fully engaged with living in this world.  Life is so unfair, but sometimes terrible things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us.  Your youth makes this more possible than for someone like me who is older.  We are entitled to feel hopeless, but these feelings will lessen over time.  Two years later,  I now have hope for the future, but it still kills me that my dad won't be able to share my future happiness, if it ever arrives.   

I have also made some unreasonable decisions.  I have spent too much money, comfort shopping online, and ordering in food or going to restaurants, trying to make up for my empty, loveless existence.   During the first six months, I could hardly eat and lost forty pounds.  Even shopping online gave me no pleasure, but these enjoyments gradually returned.  I gained the weight back.   I want to lose weight again, but Ernesto is such a good cook, it's harder than ever to diet.  Now I have to try to sell more of my things to help pay for the storage fees which will double next month when the introductory rate ends.  I'm going to donate a lot of clothes and shoes, too, so hopefully some good will come of the money wasted.  Your mom worked so hard for her money, not just for herself, but for her loved ones, too.  She would want you to spend it, but try not to waste it.  I put the tiny pension my dad left me in a special account that I try not to touch.  It's for property taxes.   

I read that guilt is one of the most powerful of all emotions.  It is constructive when it helps us to improve our behavior but destructive when it's about things that can't be changed or made right again.  We can feel guilty about things we don't even remember doing, because our mind has suppressed or repressed the memories.  The two sides of guilt are disapproval of self and fear of consequences.  The latter can account for some of the anxiety many of us feel after the death of a loved one.  Disapproval of self generates the feeling that we don't deserve to be happy.  We have to convince ourselves that even though we have lost the dearest person(s) in the world, we still deserve to be happy.  Their death was not a punishment for us or for them, it was the fulfillment of natural laws that can't be changed, except by a miracle.  

Reader, thank you again for your kind comments.  I don't have much choice but to change my life.  Even at my age, I could still live another thirty years.  Both my mother and her mother lived to 89, even though they smoked and ate too many sweets.  My father and his mother both lived to 86.  My paternal grandfather died at 69 of cancer, but that could have been from exposure to asbestos as a boilermaker.   

I read in the following article that happiness isn’t a reward for being nice – it’s a birthright.   Shoot, even some prisoners in jail are having more fun than we are, especially the ones with conjugal visits. :)  

I don't claim to have the answers, I'm just sharing things I read here and there, trying to make sense of my new reality.  I have the comfort of knowing that my dad knew that I loved him, and thought he was wonderful, but he was such a humble man.    He used to say that when he was a young man, the world was his oyster, but that was long ago.   When I got my (modest) inheritance from my great uncle, I gave my dad some money so he could walk around with $10,000 in his pocket and feel like a big shot.  I wanted so much for him to feel like he was on top of the world.  We didn't even get to go to the Top of the Mark, but it's not my fault if he didn't want to go more places!  I have to keep telling myself this until it sinks in.  I'm glad he went to the Dickens Christmas Fair a couple of times.  He loved the attention he got from the ladies.  He looked so dapper in his Victorian suit and hat.  One lady remarked, "My, aren't you beautiful!"  He certainly was, inside and out. 

 

 

 

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