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Loss of a parent - daily thread

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Mc1ronny   

I started a new topic but perhaps better in here...

 

My mum died last night of cancer. She was at home as she wanted and my dad, brother and I were all there.

Although I know she wanted that, and it gives me some consilation I can't get past one thing. A few nights ago she woke up in pain and was asking for it to end. She was scared and in a lot of pain. We called the doctor and she was asking him to give her a lethal dose which obviously he couldn't do. I tried to explain this to her but she was still very upset. He increased her painkiller and I went into the next room to briefly speak with the doctor and when I came back in she had gone back to sleep, and she didn't regain consiousness. The last thing I said to her was some nonsense about what doctors can and can't do and I didn't stay with her when she went under. It didn't occur to me I'd probaby never speak to her again. I was there for the next three days but it is killing me that I didn't just hold her and say I love you to each other when she went to sleep. We had already said it to each other many times, but not the last time.

Logically I know that what matters is that I was there and it meant everything for her to be home with her family, but I am really struggling with this guilt.

 

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Dear Mc1Ronny, I am so sorry for your loss.  Your post moved me to tears, because I also struggle with guilt over the death of my dad, nearly two years later.  Your grief has just begun.  It's natural to ask ourselves over and over, "Why did my loved one have to die, and why then, and not some other time?"   We don't know the answer to that question so our imaginations go wild trying to make up some kind of answer.  The usual suspect is ourselves, because we feel responsible for our parents when they are sick and helpless.  In the first place, it's horrible to see them that way, because they've always been a source of strength and comfort to us, sometimes the best and only source.   I would think that you had to address your mother's request, and even saying "I love you" at that moment, would not have been an appropriate answer.  You didn't know that the doctor could raise her pain med to the point of loss of consciousness.  How could you know since everyone has difference levels of tolerance for medications, depending on their condition and genetics.  You would have preferred to be able to try to comfort her -- that would have been more comforting to you, as well.  In the end, it was more merciful for her to be unconscious, especially since she had expressed fear and pain to the point of wanting a lethal dose.   You did the right thing.  It sounds like your doctor did the right thing, too. 

That doesn't mean that your guilt feelings will magically go away, because they defy logic.  The following sites suggest some ways to deal with guilt, whether it is deserved or not:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

http://www.healingheart.net/articles/grief_stages/stages_guilt.html

I liked the part that says it's not necessary to ask God over and over for forgiveness, because he forgave you the first time.  I think your mother forgave you before you even asked.  You'd surely forgive her if the situation were reversed. 

Hugs to you and to all of us who share your pain. 

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FaithT   

Hello everyone, I am fairly new to this website so please bare with me! I am 18 years old and lost my mom a little less than three weeks ago. She was only 53 years old and had a 3 almost 4 year battle with leukemia. It was somewhat expected for her to pass away, but not as soon as she did. Wednesday night we were talking and laughing like normal, and Thursday morning she was pretty unresponsive and out of it.  I've found it really difficult to sleep since, which is why I'm awake right now. It still feels very unreal to me, i have little moments where I almost call her or text her and then I'm immediately reminded that she's no longer here. I would just like to know, does the unreal "dream-like" feeling ever go away? And if so, where do I go next when that happens?

Also, I can't help but feel this regret when I think about the last normal night we had. That Wednesday before she died, I'd been at school all day and by the time my last course got out, it was around dinner time so i decided to hang out with some friends. I called her and we talked for about 30 minutes just about our days and some plans we had for the rest of the week and then we hung up and I went out with my friends until about 11. By the time I got home I was tired so I said goodnight and went to bed. By the time I woke up Thursday morning she was a completely different person. There was a ton of memory loss and she'd slept most of the day. I can't help but feel like I should've been home that night to talk with her and just be with her while she was still in her right mind. Tell her I love her so much and thank her for going the extra mile for me so many times. 

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anna22a   

Lost my mom two days ago, she was sick for almost 4 years, brain cancer. she was my world, my best friend, she was my everything.

I was with her at home all the time, me and my dad took care of her, this past year was the worse, she became a different person, little by little she got worse, stopped walking, stopped getting out of bed, I felt like it was a long process of seeing her deteriorate everyday.

Last week she stopped talking completely, then eating, then drinking, I tried to give her water with a syringe, but it was hard, I felt like I was forcing her on something she didn't want to do. then the fever came, she was burning up, we took her to the hospital. 

She was in the hospital for 3 days, her fever never dropped, no matter what they did. then they started giving her morphine to stop the suffering.  I was there with her most of the time, so was my dad. I'm an only child, so my dad is all I have now.

She passed on Sunday morning at 5am. 

And now I'm devastated, I can't get out of bed, can't bring myself to do anything, can't eat, can't talk to people, don't want to see people.

I cry all the time when I'm alone, I don't cry when my dad is here, I don't want to upset him, because he didn't take this very well.

I feel lost, I want to see her again, my heart is broken.

I feel guilty for so many things. 

This pain is killing me.

 

 

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For those who are feeling terrible guilt over their loved ones dying: when my dad had a few hours left the nurse said we could stay overnight with him or go home and they'd call. I had to make the decision to go home. I just couldn't be with him as his final hours were full of confusion and that awful death rattle people do. I knew that for me being there and witnessing him slipping away would cause me terrible mental issues afterwards. The guilt I felt afterwards was tremendous and I ended up doing things to try to get him to forgive me, which in itself is of course ridiculous. It slowly dissipated but I still get terrible waves of sheer, unadulterated grief where I feel I've made terrible mistakes with his death, funeral and burial. The thing is when someone dies it's not all romantic like it is in the movies, it's horrible and medical and sometimes it's better to not be there. My dad's consultant said he would just have slipped away and thought he was going to sleep. He was 85 and so terribly ill but convinced he wasn't going to die. I was also warned that many people do slip away - either dying or into a coma - when a family member has left the room, and it's fairly common for people to go to the toilet and come back to find they've died. I couldn't think of anything worse than being on the toilet of all places. But what it does show is that death is weird, and normal, and whatever you did and whatever happened that's just what happened. We can't control it. It's like when someone goes into labour and gives birth in the car, or the bathroom, or in the lift on the way to the labour ward; it's just something that happens.

Also regarding the dream like state - my dad died nearly 8 months ago and I still feel as though it's a dream. If he were in the living room now, whinging about having a cup of tea I'd feel so relieved but it would feel quite normal. The fact he isn't in there breaks me every time I go in the door. I ask my bereavement counsellor when this all stops and she smiles and shakes her head and says it can take years. 

I just never realised grief was such a long term, horrendous thing. I really thought it would be a matter of a few weeks watching Netflix, eating chocolate and crying. It's just a complete game changer. 

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BIG HUGS to ALL of you.  Some of your losses are so recent and my heart goes out to you.  As far as I am concerned it is always too soon to lose a parent.  It's something that we are never ready for and leaves us feeling like we've never felt before.  The good news is ... time is a healer.  I am not saying that a person ever gets over it but in time we are able to get on with it.  I believe that every parent would want us to get on with life and try to live it to the fullest.  Also for me, tears were healing as well so I would suggest to let them flow.  

I also believe that none of our parents would want us to carry any guilt in regard to them leaving us.   I know that I went through feelings of guilt as well until I sat down one day and really thought about the kind of people my parents were.  They wanted nothing but the best for my siblings and I, all of our lives and I know they would still want that for us.  I knew then that I had to let go of the guilt in order to honour them.  They would have no peace if they knew I was feeling anguish and torment over losing them....they wouldn't want that.  No parent would.  Our sadness is enough to carry.  

I am glad that you new people found your way here because there are so many good people who come here who know what you are feeling and they share what gets them through those tough times.  

take care

Cindy Jane

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MayFGL   

Greeting to all my friends (Mission, Silverkitties, Lisa, Lottie, Sagi, Cindy and the newbies SophiaPetrillo, mspak, Mc1Ronny, FaithT, Anna22a and others). I've missed you all. Sorry, I haven't been here lately. I'm keeping myself busy and I find myself not wanting to do anything like getting on the computer to read. If you recall, last time I said I have problems sleeping, well, I still do even though I'm taking melatonin. Instead of increasing dosage (which I don't want to rely on) I'll try some home remedies instead like warm milk before bed. I think that i'm going through depression.

Silverkittes: How are you? Is your dad behaving? I hope so. Are you still teaching?

MissionBlue: How are you? Have you found your place yet? Are you and Ernesto still friends? Are you still together?

Lisa: How are you? How is your garden doing? Is you brother still the same?

Mc1Ronny / FaithT / Anna2a - Please let me start by saying how very sorry I am for your loss. I know it is very hard and extremely painful to lose a parent. There is no way on earth to prepare a loved one's death. I was in your shoes at one time. My mom passed from a massive stroke on 3/13/15. She was everything to me. I was her main caretaker. I still think about mom so much - the good times, the bad times, the laughter we shared, the shopping times when i was small and just thinking about MOM. Before mom had the stroke, she was wheelchair bound. It was very hard to take care of mom by myself especially I was handicapped myself with one hand. I suffered a couple of strokes. I can't never turn my back on mom, not when she needed me the most. She depended so much on me. It was very rough on me. 

Mom had the stroke at home. She was semi-conscious. I was basically by myself with mom in the house. My sister-in-law was no use even though she was there, too. She didn't know how to use the phone and didn't know how to call for help. Since she stepped into the US. She never learned to use the phone. I panicked looking for my phone and my niece came home just in time to call 911. She was transported to the hospital where they did a TIA procedure. It works like draino. Chances are patients bleed during the procedure. Mom bled. Mom spent almost 2 weeks in ICU. In the beginning, in my mind, it looked promising. She was talking to us, but slept most of the time. I knew that we had to let mom go. It was so hard.

So, hospice was the next thing. Even though I knew what hospice meant. It didn't dawn on me at the time that it's the place where we are all waiting for that time to come. When she got transported to hospice. The feeding tube came off. No food. No water. She hung on for almost 2 weeks. Every chance I got I made sure to say, "I love you." On that aweful day, mom had a lot of energy. She couldn't talk just squeezed our hand in response. She normally just stayed awake for a few minutes and goes right back to sleep. But, on that day she stayed up watching her Chinese Opera on a laptop we set up for her. We don't know if she was able to see or just turned her head towards the music. She stayed up a good 4 hours and that was unlike her. I called in the rest of the siblings to get there asap. At 10:29 pm, mom passed peacefully with everyone surrounding her---her children, in-laws, grandchildren, great grandchildren.

All this is bringing back painful memories. I'm crying like a baby. :(' For me, the first year is THE hardest. It felt so unreal that mom was no longer here with me. I was devastated. Within the first month, I received signs from mom. I heard her call my name so clearly as I was coming out the room, the room that mom and I once shared. I also felt her touch me when I was in the yard which I thought was my dog sniffling me, but no dog. All signs, it only happens to me and not my siblings.

I just want to give you all a BIG HUG. Know that you are not alone. We understand what you are going through. Please come here to share your thoughts and feelings and share about your loved one's story. You can even come here to vent. We're here to listen. We're here for you.

Take care MY FRIENDS. Till next time.

May

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anna22a   

MayFGL, you said that you received signs from your mom, you are so lucky, I'm looking for signs all the time, I even asked her before she died, to give me signs because I want to know that she's ok. I know it maybe silly, but I don't even dream of her, and I want to, I don't remember my dreams at all. :(

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Lisa k   

Hi to all my friends here , 

To all the new comers , I'm sorry for your recent losses . it sure is one hell of a journey !.

May I am so glad you are still around , I was worried about you. 

Lately I have felt deeply sad and depressed with plenty of tears flowing, it seems the more time that passes I miss my mum more and more. I can't get her last day out of my mind and all the stuff she suffered . I want her back so bad it is like a constant aching in my heart and a deep longing to be with her. It's been almost 15 months now and I can't believe it has been that long. sometimes it feels like only yesterday that I sat with her watching the inevitable and other times it feels like years since I saw her. one thing is certain , the pain and emptiness never leave. I miss her so much , everything about her and just trying to type this is hard with tears running down my face. Xmas  is just about here and I feel no cheer whatsoever and will just let the day pass like any other.

I've been keeping busy doing painting and working in the garden,anything to distract myself from thinking too much. I've been over doing things and am so tired and yet I cannot sleep or get to bed before midnight . I've been paving, lifting heavy boulders and doing a retaining wall and a bunch of other things around the house.  

I never dream of my mum and I wish I did just so i could see her or hear her voice. I look for signs from her but there is none.

I'm thinking of you all here and I'm grateful to each and everyone of you.

Be back soon

Love and hugs 

Lisa 

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Mc1ronny   

Thank you for your replies, and whilst I'm sorry for your losses it does make it easier to hear about other people struggling as well.

 

I like to think of myself as a very logical, rational person which is why I struggle with feelings of emotional guilt that I know objectively are irrational. I know that mum loved me, and I know she knew I loved her... but I still kick myself mentally for not being in the room when she went to sleep.

 

I have decided to try and focus on the day before when I rode in the back of the ambulance with her coming home. She was so happy to be coming back to where she wanted to be, she was delighted by the feel of the fresh air even though it was freezing, I adjustrd the big, stupod bobble hat she was wearing and I talked her through the familiar sites on the way back. I broke down a bit and said "I love you" which made her face crumple and she whimpered the same back to me. I said "This is really horrible but at the same time, really nice" and she replied "I know exactly what you mean". This is my most pleasant memory of her from the final few days and I hope that if I keep concentrating on it rather than the worse mental images I have from the night she was in pain or of when her breathing stopped then these horrible memories will fade in comparison to the good ones.

 

It still doesn't feel real, and I am so worried for my dad. He is clearly distraught about the prospect of living and sleeping alone. He is mentally strong but he has never lived alone before. I live a fair distance away and simply can't be there regularly, it's okay at the moment as I have time off for Christmas but the new year will be so hard got him.

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May, I'm sorry that you still have the insomnia. Have you tried eating celery and lettuce? If you eat one or both about thirty minutes before bedtime, they might help you relax and promote sleep. Raw celery can even lower blood pressure in some people. It worked for my father and me. Aniseed tea with milk and honey is also supposed to help with sleep. I used to take Fenugreek seed tea when I was suffering from tinnitus and couldn't sleep. It helped me. When my insomnia got so bad that nothing helped, that's when I started taking sleeping pills, like Ambien and Ativan, but eventually they stopped working for me. Once Ernesto came to live with me, I started to sleep better, because I wasn't completely alone in the house anymore, but I still have a very hard time falling asleep early.  I think I have delayed sleep phase disorder. 

Ernesto and I are still together and getting along better right now.  I'm almost afraid to talk about him anymore, because I lost my best online friend of 18 years, because she didn't like the way he was treating me.  She would be sympathetic when I vented about him, but once I forgave him she would get angry and say that I wasted her time comforting me.  She said I have lost my dignity in putting up with him.  She added that I need to take responsibility for myself and learn to be independent like she is, after her divorce, and the death of both her parents.  She said if I have a negative attitude of self pity, I am never going to make new friends or get much sympathy for having to do the normal things that everybody else has to do. She threatened to end our friendship if I kept complaining about Ernesto and then making excuses for him.  It made me angry that she was willing to throw away our long close friendship, just because I complained about Ernesto. So I said talk about a negative attitude, you are a racist and that's not going to get you much sympathy either, at least, not openly!  She is a supporter of Trump and the KKK. I had overlooked this as long as she wasn't a KKK member herself.  She wouldn't forgive me for saying this to her. She had broken off with a mutual friend years earlier, because this friend had lectured her on her racist rants. She is racist because all of her white neighbors are racist, and have been for generations. She would say if I lived through the racial tension that she and her family have experienced in Cincinnati through the years, I'd be racist, too.  I had cut her a lot of slack, like I do Ernesto, because nobody's perfect.  Then she said something racist and nasty about her ex-friend.  I told her, "Talk about losing one's dignity -- to say such a thing about a former friend who was kind to you is disgusting!  I can imagine the nasty things you'll be saying about me, now that we're no longer friends."   I didn't want to lose her friendship, because she had helped me through my grief and I am a loyal person.  I humbly asked her forgiveness, but she has a hard time forgiving people.  I can hardly believe how ice cold she could be after saying just a few days earlier that she loved me like the sister she never had. 

This incident made me miss my father all the more as it reminded me that only he loved me unconditionally.  Friends may come and go, but the love of a parent is steadfast.  Last night I dreamed about my father.  I don't remember much except that I told him how much I love him and miss him.  I see my father in my dreams once in a while, but I would give anything to see him while awake.  Then I would know for sure that he still exists.  We used to be great fans of the paranormal, and he promised to contact me after his death if he could.  On the night he died my cousin saw him in a dream in which he asked her to take care of me.  She hasn't made that much effort to help me, so maybe she feels it was just a dream.  I still haven't gone to a medium, because I'm afraid an evil spirit might impersonate my father.  On Sunday morning, Ernesto was half asleep when he thought I had entered his bedroom.  He could hardly open his eyes, but he saw the outline of a person standing by his bed.  It wasn't me. 

Lisa, I know how you feel.   It's hard for me to celebrate Christmas since my dad died on December 27, 2014.  I remember how happy Christmas time used to be for me when my father was alive.  I used to make YouTube videos for Christmas carols and The Nutcracker ballet themes.  I tried watching one the other day and it made me cry.  I want Ernesto to help me decorate the front of the house with Christmas lights, because this will be the last Christmas in my childhood home.  Hopefully, we'll get to it, before the rain returns.   

It is so hard for me to accept that I may live the rest of my life without ever experiencing that wonderful close communication with another human being as I experienced with my father.  I might find a soul mate at some point but there is no guarantee.  Ernesto likes to talk but he's not a great listener.  He doesn't like to see me cry, because it depresses him.  He tries to take me out once a week just to drive around the neighborhood and get some fast food.  I appreciate it, but I wish we could do normal things like go to a movie, a museum or a nice restaurant together.  Unfortunately, he's broke and doesn't like me to treat him.  The money I pay him for helping me move is spent quickly on maintaining his vehicles and sending money to his mother and his blind sister in Mexico.  He's going to have an eye operation in a couple of days to remove a pterygium, a small benign growth near his cornea.  It's always something.  I'll have to take care of him for a couple of weeks.  At this rate, I don't think my property will be ready for listing until about March. 

Now that I have no one left to whom I can talk about my sorrow, I am all the more grateful for this gentle forum community.  Love and hugs to you all....

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Lisa k   

Hi Missionblue , its good to hear from you.It has been so quiet here lately and I miss all of you.

Sorry your friend turned on you, that in itself would feel like another loss. Maybe she might apologise to you when she calms down a bit . It's good you and Ernesto are getting along and I hope it continues . will he move into your new place wirh you when the time comes ? .

My mum also said she would let me know she's around if she could. So far nothing but i keep hoping that someday soon i get a sign. I hate thinking about all the years i might live too without my mum and sometimes it's much to bear. Lately I feel so upset like I'm reliving that day she left,but I guess it's just part of the process even after 15 month's . But it's not very long when you have spent your entire life with someone . I know it is part of life but it doesn't make it any easier . 

It's got to be hard having to sell your childhood home,just the thought of having to do that myself would break my heart, but one day it may be a reality . 

You're never alone here , at least we can complain here without being judged . 

Take care

Hugs Lisa 

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YoWooYa   

Hi, Everyone.

I lost my Mama last month.  It was completely unexpected, and I have so many regrets.  I just want to be able to say goodbye to that extraordinary woman.  It kills me to think she may never know how much I love her.  How sorry I am for not staying the extra day on our last visit.  How I'd give my right arm to take back the impatience I showed her when she wanted to learn how to use a smartphone.

But what really gets me is that she won't get to meet her first grandbaby.  I'm 5 months pregnant, and if I'm honest, my heart just isn't in it.  I don't know if I can take care of this baby when all I want to do is close my eyes and be with Mama.  At my best, I feel numb.  I just feel so...disconnected from everything now, baby included. 

I know he deserves better.  Has anyone been through this?  Any thoughts on how I can bring myself to be a good Mama to my baby?

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Lisa k   

Hi yowoowa, sorry for your loss .It has  been quiet here of late so you haven't posted in the wrong place. We all understand here just how devastating loss is.

We all have regrets and wish we had done things differently but we are human and not perfect. I'm sure your mum knew how much you loved her. Grief is the pits, the worst feeling in the world.I know you are feeling bad now and it takes time to  process it all .Maybe once you hold your baby in your arms you will feel differently.I know nobody can take away the pain but my thoughts are with you.

Hugs Lisa.

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Welcome, YoWooYa.   I'm very sorry for your loss.  I've never had a child, so I'm not the best person to respond to your message, but I do understand that losing your mother before the birth of your first child is heartbreaking.  It's sad when a child is born at a time of sorrow, but that same child could bring you more joy and happiness than you ever thought possible.  I'm sure that your mother knew that you loved her.  I think most people regret being impatient with their loved ones at times.  I certainly do.  While I always apologized to my father, I would give anything to take back every word spoken in anger or frustration.  He didn't deserve it.  However, I'm also glad for the many more times that I showed restraint and compassion.  Now I'm living with a man who is prone to impatience and anger, much more than I ever was, so that helps me put things in perspective.  I guess it's my bad karma working itself out, but usually I'm pretty damn nice!  I think a lot of us need to cut ourselves some slack.

The way you feel about your mom shows that you are a loving, compassionate person and these qualities will help you to be a good mother to your baby.  I read that anywhere from 40 to 80 percent of new mothers experience the baby blues – an emotional state of tearfulness, unhappiness, worry, self-doubt, and fatigue. The baby blues typically begin a few days after delivery and go away on their own within a week or two.  I have an aunt who suffered from postpartum depression which is more serious.  She said after the birth of her second child, she felt like throwing herself out the window of the hospital, but she got over it, and was an excellent mother to four children who all grew up to be successful and reasonably happy.  She did it on her own, without her mother or siblings close by, because she married a Navy man from the other side of the country during World War II.  Counseling and antidepressants can help.

Hi Lisa, thank you for your kind reply.  My "ex" friend sent me a Christmas card and a gift, but she still hasn't written to me by email.  I felt terrible the morning after she broke off with me and for about a week after.  Now I'm not sure if I want her back.  I sent her a gift though which should arrive tomorrow.  I may have overshared with her about my life, but Ernesto has been with me for well over a year now.  If I didn't like having him here most of the time, he wouldn't still be here.  And if he didn't like being here, then he would have left a long time ago.  I am hoping he will come with me to my new house.  I think he will, if it's located close enough to his (adult) kids.  If he likes living here, he should like the newer home even better.  There will be a big garage for his vehicles and where he can store his tools.  It all depends on if we remain on good terms by the time of the sale.  I really want someone with me for at least the first few months in my new home, because one never knows what kind of people lived there before or what the neighbors are like. 

The hardest part for me about leaving my childhood home is that my father can't come with me to the new home (except in spirit).  My home is not the same anymore anyway, because I had to sell off half of the property already to make ends meet while I was a caregiver.  I would have loved to have been able to fix up the cottage, but it's too expensive on my own.  I don't want to get any bank loans, because I don't trust the banks, especially after what happened at Wells Fargo.  Ernesto was supposed to help me fix the cottage, but he has had too many health problems.  Right now he's recovering from his eye operation.

I may have to move out of San Francisco to be able to buy a nicer home.  I didn't want to move before, because I thought the spirit of my father might be lingering here, but I don't sense his presence, except in dreams.   I've always loved San Francisco, but it's not the same without my dad.  The whole world is not the same without him.  I hope that you will be able stay in your home for as long as you want to.  Your garden sounds wonderful. 

I am an adult and I know I can survive without anyone's help, but there are still times when I feel so alone.  I will always need my father, because he was the greatest happiness I ever knew.  I know there are people who are happily married with children and who have wonderful friends who love them, but they still miss their parents, because it is a unique close relationship that can never be replaced.  I'm just glad that my dad went before I did, because I'm sure he would have missed me as much as I miss him.  I wouldn't wish this heartache on anyone.

I am currently reading a book that Ernesto's daughter recommended to me.  It's called "The Tibetan Book of Meditation" by Lama Christie McNally.  Since I was raised Catholic,  I've never seriously tried eastern meditation before, but I like some of the ideas expressed about pain, death and loss from the Buddhist perspective.  It's written in an easy to understand style.  I'm not a "New Age" type of person, but since I'm hurting so much, I figure it can't hurt to try, or to at least consider, other ways to cope.   Wishing everyone peace....

 

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MayFGL   

Hi Everybody,

YoWooYa: Welcome! I'm so sorry for your loss. It's never easy to lose a parent who is our best friend, our rock, our guidance and everything to us. Please don't be hard on yourself. I'm sure your sweet mom knows that you love her with all your heart. You have to remain strong and healthy for the baby's sake. I know it's very hard when you're numb at this time. I know that your heart brakes because your mom cannot be here, but your mom will always be close in your heart and is watching over you and your baby. Come here and share your thoughts or even vent. This is the place to be. Like Lisa K says, it's kind of quiet lately, but someone will respond. It may not be immediately. We're here for you.

Lisa: I'm so glad you're keeping yourself busy. Just like you, I keep thinking back about the last hours of mom. This Tuesday 13th was mom's 21 months since she has left us. It's so hard to believe. I've been crying, too. This morning when I went for my walk, I started thinking again and was crying. This guy saw me crying, but who cares. This Christmas and New Year will be 2 years without mom. It sucks big time.

MissionBlue: I'm sleeping a lot better. I don't get up at 2ish anymore, instead it's 4ish. Well, at least it's 2 hours more.  I didn't know that lettuce and celery helps with insomnia. I know celery lowers blood pressure. I have been eating celery, but not lately though. I'm sorry to hear about your online friend. Is your friend really a friend?! I'm glad Ernesto is still in your life. What happened to his eye that he had surgery?  

Anna22a: Yes, I was fortunate to receive signs from mom. I received others as well. I never was a believer in life after death, but after mom passed and the signs, I'm definitely a believer. I don't think I ever dreamt of mom which I really wanted to. Not dreaming of our mom doesn't mean that we don't love her or not thinking of her. Maybe we have dreamt about our moms but couldn't remember as we're waking up.

Mc1ronnie: Yes, it will be hard for your dad especially the holidays are coming. Does he have family/relatives or friends that can keep him company? Is he in a senior club or something that would keep him busy? I always think of seniors who lose their partners.

Love and Hugs 

 

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YoWooYa   

Thanks, everyone.  I'm very glad to have found this community.  So many things people said exactly describe the deepest pains I've been feeling.

How do people deal with the holidays?  Every time I hear 'All I want for Christmas is you,' I spend the next hour crying.  I just want to forget this whole thing. 

And does anyone else feel guilty when they have a moment of laughter or non-pain?  I feel like it's so disrespectful to Mama that I can smile so early after her death. 

 

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Lisa k   

Yowooya, xmas is tough especially the first one.This will be my second xmas without my mum and I still don't care to celebrate. 

It can be hard when everywhere you go people are happy  and laughing while inside you feel like your dying and just want to scream at people. There is no easy way to get through it other than to go with your feelings. 

Feeling guilty for laughing is normal , I felt like that too but I know our mother's would want us to go on and not be sad. Easier said than done!. Grief comes in waves and when it hits you sure know your alive. It literally feels like you will split in two from the pain.

Just take each day as it comes because that is all we can do.

Hugs Lisa 

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MayFGL   

YoWooYa: Sure, I felt guilty when I laugh during the earlier stages. It felt like as if I was having such a good time when in fact I was miserable. My oldest sister explained to me that I had to move on and don't be like that because mom wouldn't want to see me always crying. I did laugh/smile when we were reminiscing about mom. That laugh would somehow end up in tears. I'd forcefully cracked a smile to acquaintances. But, no matter who tried to explain things to me, i'll grieve the way I want to grieve. So, to me, smiling or laughing early after death isn't so bad. 

 

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YoWooYa   

Thanks, Lisa and May.

I just wish I could know my Mom is in a better place.  Lots of people talk about 'signs' from their loved ones.  I wish I could have a sign from Mama.  But it's just me.  Then I worry that a lack of signs means she's in a bad place.  Aaaaand then it's 5 hours and I haven't slept.

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scotincan, I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you did the best you could for your mother, under the circumstances. Thank God you were there for her after the loss of your dad and your brother. There is a website about caregiving, including what happens after our role as caregiver is over:

http://www.caregiving.com/the-caregiving-years/stage-6/
I wish you the best on your journey through grief.

May, I'm so glad that you are sleeping better. Ernesto has a small benign growth on his eye toward the inner edge of the iris called a pterygium. It is probably caused by exposure to sun and wind, so it's also called surfer's eye. It was successfully removed but there are stitches so naturally the recovery period is painful. He can't do any heavy lifting for at least three weeks, and no cooking either, because the heat could cause swelling. He will have to wear sunglasses for six months.

My online friend seemed like a friend, but she apparently wasn't the real deal. I thought I could talk to her about anything. I should have known that anyone judgmental enough to be racist isn't going to be very understanding, but she fooled me with her sympathetic attitude.  Maybe I deserve better than Ernesto, but even arguing with him is better than the stone cold silence of an empty house.

Earlier today my neighbor across the street was yelling at Ernesto just because he was talking to his son on his cell phone in front of my house. She didn't like the sound of his voice and told him to shut up -- in the middle of the day! This is the same woman who had his car towed when he couldn't move it on time, because he was in the hospital. A few weeks ago she was cursing her long-suffering female partner for driving home drunk -- after midnight for all the neighbors to hear. I wish someone would tell her to shut up, but I don't dare, because people sue at the drop of a hat these days. Some former neighbors sued this woman for arguing over parking spaces. Her partner, as the homeowner, had to pay $18,000 to settle out of court. These women are both smart and have plenty of money.   Even though I will miss my childhood home, I will not miss the crazy neighbors.   Times have changed.

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I think you should seek on-line consultations or try to get free legal aid from your local federal services! You should not put up with the bad intentions of your sister anymore and just expose her in front of everyone! Even my friend faced the same problems so she consulted a renowned lawyer which she came across through this useful resource and he guided her really well!

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YoWooYa   

Hope people don't mind me just randomly posting into this thread.  It feels oddly comforting.

Went to Social Security today to sort out Mom's last benefits.  I cried like a baby as I handed over the birth certificate with both of our names on it.  The first day of my wonderful life with my Mommy.  Luckily, the lady was so kind, held my hand, and told me it would be OK.  She had lost her parents too, so I feel like she understood.  These last errands to get her affairs squared away are helpful because they're a distraction/a reason to push forward, but they also stab me in the heart because I feel like each one severs Mama's connection to this world.

 

 

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