Everly

Loss of a parent - daily thread

2,195 posts in this topic

My mind is still stunned, Retz--100 miles. And 175 mils across WI. Some people can't even manage it by car!

 

LOL, I'm thinking about the measly 5 miles I did in Evanston...you must be freakin' fit. I'll think of you when I get on my stationary bike. I don't even think i've done more than 2 miles a day. 

 

I love that account about the vision of your father and can almost picture it. It would make a beautiful children's story if you could get the right illustrator too: I remember seeing quite a few at the funeral home and almost burst out crying thinking how sad it is for children to have to deal with grief. If you don't mind, how did you deal with it as a 5-year-old?

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Retz, I live way down south in Texas. You and silverkitties live closer to each other. 

 

It has been rainy the whole week. Today, we went out for Father's Day to eat. Then, we went to buy flowers and then to the cemetary. I started to get teary-eyed. I stopped because there were small talks in the car. When we got to the cemetary, I didn't cry. Two minutes later, I was crying. I just stood there by myself. Nobody consoling me. When it was time to leave, I bowed again to my mom and grandparents once more.

 

As I was walking like 10 steps away, my tears were unstoppable. I had to stop walking and stoop down to cry. No one consoled but instead by brother told me, "Alright May! Stop it!" I can't believe that he said that to me. I will have to tell him that it's the worse thing that he can tell someone who is grieving. I don't think he knows what to say or how to react the correct way when he sees me do that.

 

There were so many mosquitoes out there. They were hungry for blood. I smacked 3 of them and I got blood all over my hands. 

 

PS: I started writing this early today and I had to stop so many times. I'm just finishing it. I was out for the evening and just got back. I made sure that the portable fan was turned off before I left. I came home and the fan was on. I asked if anybody turned on the fan and they said, "No."  Yikes!!!!

 

Just thought I share it with you.

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I'm so sorry, May, that you were crying at the cemetery and no one consoled you.  My half brother doesn't understand my grief either.  He's a born again Christian and when I was crying and telling him how guilty I was feeling about my father's death, he said that's the Devil making me feel that way!  I know he meant well, but I have enough problems without having to worry about the Devil tormenting me.  If only grief were just a demon, then I'd run right over to my friendly neighborhood exorcist. 

 

 

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Hugs MAE ... so sorry you had a difficult time yesterday.  The tears can come on any day, any time, anywhere.  That is all a part of the grieving process.  I don't make excuses for other people's insensitivity but rather I feel compassion for them.  I always imagine people who are hard on those grieving are having a terrible time themselves as they try to bury or hide their own grief.  I don't know why some people think they have to appear strong or together through a loss.  It is a natural human reaction to be sad and cry when a loved one leaves us.  I am not a Bible thumper but even Jesus grieved for others in death.  

 

On a personal note, the one thing that has really helped me is my faith.  I wasn't a person who prayed very often but in losing both parents, I've been doing a lot of praying and asking for comfort and the good Lord provides that for me.  I find that people can bring comfort also but God has never let me down when I ask for comfort.

 

God Bless

Cindy Jane

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Cindy and MissionBlue,

 

Thank you for your hugs and kind words. You know, all my siblings that are here has the same attitude. They'll tell me don't cry or don't even say anything at all. I mean, that's fine. I'm used to it. I have a brother in L.A. and I think he's the opposite. Well, he didn't stay here long enough after the funeral to see me cry my eyes out. He had to head back to LA. 

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Thank you, Retz! I do hope next time will be easier. A little over two of months ago, I started to go walking again. I saw my neighborhood friend who hadn't seen me in awhile and asked me where I've been. I told her what happened and she was crying too. She said that she misses her mom and she has been gone 15 years now. I kind of thought to myself, "Am I going to be like that 15 years from now?" Probably.

 

I hope that you have a wonderful day. I'm a little under the weather today. Hugs to you too. 

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That is a good question, May....I think for me, a lot of it depends on the person who's talking to me. If it's a stranger, I usually do not feel the inclination to cry. But if it's someone whom I know is sympathetic, it doesn't take much to start crying.

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I'll let you know 15 years from now, right here  :D

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I was reading something interesting about 5 signs from your deceased loved ones. 

 

First, they connect with you through sight. Meaning your mind's eye. You might "see" them in a vision or you might "see" them in a past memory. Also, when you dream, the dream might be weird and you wake up and say "What the heck was that about?" Anything visual can be a sign---a coin, bird, keys, repetitive number.

Ex: A guy that was sick in bed saw a pigeon at his bedroom window. He has never seen a pigeon in his neighborhood before. The pigeon looks like it was peering in to see him. When he made eye contact with the pigeon it flew away. This was a coincidence because his mom used to go check on him every time he's sick.

 

Secondly, they can connect through hearing. If you hear your loved one say your name or something and you turn around to see, you know now.

Ex: A lady's husband died years ago and moved on and married. She went to pick up her son from school. She was waiting in the car. She hardly ever turns on the radio and decides to turn it on. She heard this song that was that was her first husbands loved and danced to. It was also their anniversary of their blind date. She felt he was there with her.

 

Thirdly, they can connect through smell. Fourth, they can connect through taste. You can "taste" onions, for example. Onions was a favorite of the deceased but, you didn't cook onions. Fifth, they can connect through touch. They do touch. A lot of times we don't really notice it or feel it.

 

I've experience the the first three signs. I've experienced the sight. I see butterflies and moths. The Chinese believe that they come back as butterflies or moths. One day we saw about 6 leopard moths by the front door entrance. They stayed in that same position for about a week. We didn't bother them. One of them could be mom or my grandparents.

 

I experienced the hearing. One day I was walking out of my room and I heard my mom's voice call my name and I turned around. I told my two of my siblings. I thought that I was imagining. I don't think it was my imagination. She connected with me.

 

I experienced the smell. I used to help mom rub medicated oil for her aches and pain. On several occasions, I woke up to the smell of mentholated oil. The first time I smelled it, it was strong. I thought that someone else was using it in the house but, I know non of us like to use that oil.

 

Have any of you experience any of the five signs?

 

 

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Hello everyone

 

MayMW ... I have not experienced any of the 5 signs you mentioned in your post but I do feel a very strong connection with my parents.  That connection is deep in my heart, in my thoughts and in my feelings.  Every day I have reminders of my mom and dad but the connection remains in my heart and it is so powerful.

 

I have a duplex style house where I lived in the lower 1/2 and my parents lived in the upper 1/2.  Last week I moved into the upper half and since I've been settled in here I have nothing but warm feelings in being where they lived and had so many happy times.  

 

That all being said, I do have my sad times in missing them and the tears do come from time to time but overall, I feel so blessed in having them for parents that the feelings of gratefulness over-rides the sadness.

 

a good day to all

Cindy Jane

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Cindyjane, I was googling something the other day and one thing led to another and that topic caught my eyes. I started reading and it was interesting. When I experienced the signs, I thought that it's surely my imagination.

 

The first time I smelled mom it was the strong mentholated oil that she uses. She used to uses different types of medicated oils but, she had a favorite. I think I might've mentioned it before in this thread. I think I smell it about five times since she passed. The last time was maybe two weeks ago.  

 

I heard my name and it was my mom's voice....clear as day. That's why I turned so quickly. Another thing, When mom used to go to the bathroom, I go to the another room by the front door to wait. On the other side of the bathroom wall is that room. They share a wall. It's a small room where we can relax, use the computer and watch TV. When mom was finished, she would call out my name meaning that she's ready. Sounds kind of muffly. On a few occasions, I hear that call. I'm normally using the computer and I'm facing that wall. The first time I heard it, I even went to check. 

 

I thought all of it was only my imagination. I thought because I love and miss my mom terribly, I wanted to smell her again and I wanted to hear her call me again. I know what I heard and I know what I smelled. 

 

After reading, I think I'm not imagining. Someone in another thread said he experience some signs too. Maybe I'll create a new thread on that subject. I'm interested to see if more people have experienced it.

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Hi MayMW

 

It is good to hear other people's experience because we never know who else experiences the same thing.  That is why I like this site so much.....we can share, give feedback, get feedback and just be supportive of each other.

 

I was just sitting out in the back yard today and enjoying some memories of my parents working in their garden.  They both use to plant the seeds, dad tilled the soild and pulled weeds and mom watered the garden.  They had a real good system of doing it together.  Last Fall after my dad passed away I had sod put in where the garden was because I have a bum knee and am no gardener but in looking back, I am not as motivated and hard working as my parents were.  I do have so many good memories of them when I sit in that back yard:) 

 

Well off I go to get some things done around the house.  Have a great day/weekend.

Cindy Jane

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Yes, I totally agree with you about this site, cindyjane.

 

My mom was also a gardener. She planted a lot of Chinese vegies. Bitter melon was her favorite. There was lot of work that went into it. She was very proud of her garden. We still keep up where she left off. Her way of taking care of the garden is way much better. 

 

Have a good one!

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I know all too well how you are feeling, Retz--and hope you are better today. Yes, it stinks when members of your family don't seem to care--especially that controlling brother of yours. Did he think it was up to him to handle the estate because he's "a man?" Good for you in wresting it away from him.

 

I'm preparing a meal today that happened to be one of my mom's favorites so I can't help thinking of her...it's chicken marinaded in lemon and mustard w/ mushrooms and capers. I'm making it because we haven't had it in a while; funny how a onetime favorite becomes dreaded because it brings back so many memories of mom. It stinks knowing I can't make it for her again.  The fact that today is rainy doesn't make it any better. It's days like this that I inevitably think of my mom's death, even though it's been almost 9 months. I can still see it so vividly. I can still remember leaving the hospital, hearing the mechanical piano play Schubert's Ave Maria.

 

I miss her so badly, and feel worse that no one around our area seem to care at all. I'm in one of my god-damn-each-and-every-one-of-them moods even though I know it's not rational; what do they owe us, anyway? It's like we don't exist: and it stings. It's times like this when I think, how can there be a god or any higher being? When I need her more than ever? When I am so lonely and so worried--and not one single person, including my dad,  comes even close? 

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Retz, I just finished telling silverkitties about family that don't care. I just experienced it earlier. I was telling them what I've experienced smelling mom and hearing mom call me. They all stayed quiet. No questions or comments. My brother even looked at the computer not acknowledging that I'm talking to him too. I know that they think I'm crazy.

 

Who cares anyways!!!!! They can think all they want. I know what I heard and smelled. My oldest sister, on the other hand, believed me. She said, "Because mom was always worried about you. That's why." Yes, mom was always worried about me because I have nobody....no boyfriend or husband.

 

Silverkitties, what time is dinner, so we can eat with you? LOL I'm only trying to put a smile on your face. It's really sad that your neighbors aren't even playing nice anymore. We're very fortunate to have such nice neighbors. After mom died, one of my neighbors went out of his way to order BBQ for 20 people with sides and dessert. Another one took me out to lunch. 

 

Hugs to everyone.

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May, that is so sweet--dinner is in half an hour: I will be thinking of you! =) I might even pray to my mom as I know you do that regularly.

 

People were actually nice to us until the memorial service, which was 49 days after she died. Then after that, it was like they changed abruptly. I have no idea why as we gave them nice gift baskets with fruit and cookies at Xmas. 

 

As I said last month or so, I think it's because they don't want to give us rides anymore even though they live nearby and are retired. No kids or grandkids at home. One of them even passes by our house regularly on the way to the senior center. She even knows how stressed out I am with my dad. 

 

I know it's wrong to expect people to give us rides...but it's as if they have no idea how stressed I am and if I were to learn to drive right now, I wouldn't be surprised if I had an accident. They also give us advice like "why don't you move somewhere closer to the market?" Yeah, like we have the energy to pack up and move right after my mom died. And that's assuming we could even sell our house right now.

 

It's days like this I wish my mom had miscarried me. She had two miscarriages before me. I wish I were saved this rotten life. If I exist, it's to make other people glad they're not me.

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I'm sorry that you feel sad today, Retz. I don't pray. I (think) I mentioned it before that ever since mom died I pay respect to my mom. We have an alter room where we have our ancestors, grandparents, Buddhist Gods and mom's alter. I would pay my respects by bowing 3 times. Sometimes when we cook one of her favorite dishes, I would place it in front of her and place incense in front of her. She could taste the food through the incense. 

 

Sometimes I talk to her as if she's here...just small talk. I don't do it a lot tho because I will cry. And, I don't like to cry in front of her.

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Just coming up for air and rewarding myself a bit for a LONG day.

 

Retz, I would have you drive me...you will tell me what you like :D and then I'll cook you and everyone else a great big meal! It would be so fun. Maybe I'll ask May to teach me how to cook Chinese food since I do not know: my mom had lots of Chinese recipes but I can't read any of them:( :unsure:

 

I hear you on your sister. I feel like that with one of my cousins. Granted, she's busy; she works and one of kids just graduated from college and to top it off, her dad (mom's oldest brother) died. But even before his death, I noticed she didn't call as much, Ditto two of my aunts. It was strange because one of them gave me the complete dirt on her husband; we spent hours talking about him. I guess they figure I'm over my mom's death?

 

Btw, did any of you hear about the anesthesiologist who got sued for talking smack about one of her patients? He was under sedation but accidentally managed to tape the whole procedure. The anesthesiologist--whom I will now call "asshole" because it's so much easier to write--not only made fun of him but also wrote down a falsified record:

 

http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/anesthesiologist-trashes-sedated-patient-jury-orders-her-to-pay-500000/2015/06/23/cae05c00-18f3-11e5-ab92-c75ae6ab94b5_story.html

 

There's a recording and that woman sounds like the biggest dipshit Valley Girl. :rolleyes: Now how did someone like THAT get into medical school? Affirmative action for asses?

 

It almost makes me wonder how other patients are treated: and it makes me wonder all over again if they killed my mom.  It wouldn't surprise me if they planted a cancer in her or intentionally overdosed her. I know that's a terrible thing to say but this story only confirms my worst doubts about negligence and dishonesty.

 

Seriously, I wouldn't mind if every examination was recorded.

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