Everly

Loss of a parent - daily thread

2,195 posts in this topic

Dear sad & lonely & all, I'm really sad to hear that u r feeling so depressed, but I completely understand for I feel exactly the same, really sad & lonely like u!!! I miss my mom every single day & she passed 18 months ago. For the 1st three months I was in shock & didn't cry as much but once the shock suit wore off I became really anxious & sad, as the combined passing of my best friend, my soul sister, my mum, my everything & the harshness of every day life really affect me. I've had happy times of course & I've got a good husband good friends, aunties, uncles & my dad, brother & nephews; however, it's never the same, a big piece of me died with my mum & I think about her & miss her constantly. Nobody's love can replace her love, nobody loves me or will ever love me like she did, selflessly & completely for who I am, with all the good & the bad in my personality. She was amazing and nobody can match her. My brother & I aren't particularly close, for we r complete opposites, & my dad lives overseas. Therefore, I find myself totally adrift & wish, like u, that I could run away & disappear!!! You are not alone, we r here to support each other. Warm regards, Trish

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This past Saturday, June 13 was 3 months since my mom passed. I'm a performer and this past weekend we had our Folklife Festival. When we were getting ready to perform, I felt my eyes well up in tears. My mom loved watching us perform. She never thought she would ever see the whole family become performers. She used to go to these types of festivals. I wanted mom to be there and watch us perform just like the old times.

 

She saw us perform during the Chinese New Year in February and she had the stroke the following day. That was the last performance she saw. Every time she sees us perform she's like a kid in a candy store. Sometimes while she's watching I'll ask her if she's enjoying it and I have to ask more than once because she's so into it.

 

I miss my mom so much. I thought I wasn't going to cry as I'm writing this..but, I guessed wrong. 

 

Love You Mom. I want to be with you now.  :(

 

 

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MayMW .... what a gift your dear mom got in seeing you perform!  Among our loss, there are blessings and sometimes they may be hard to see but later as time goes by we do see them.  Something tells me that your mom was there to enjoy your performance this past weekend and will be there for future performances.  I also worked in the entertainment field (a musician) and from a young age was always encouraged and supported by my parents.  Any time I pick up my instrument I feel their presence in my heart.  

 

Having a talent is a gift and gifts are meant to be shared, may you continue to be blessed with many more.

 

Cindy Jane

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Don't cry maymw, your start me off...

I'm sure your mum was there to see you.. That's what I tell myself, the past weekend we spent putting together a new big boy bed for my toddler, putting his cot in the attic. I took photos of his new bedroom, then remembered I couldn't send them on to mum, she always loved a picture message on her phone, to show all and everyone who'd look ..... Miss my mummy too, so so much

Hugs to you all x

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cindy & sad&lonely, thank you for your kind words. I've been crying these few days because I miss mom terribly. I'm still feeling guilty. I've posted in this thread and "Mom passed and I feel guilty" as to why I feel this way. You can read if you like, so I won't go into great detail. It's my stroke and no sense of time, I left mom in the restroom and forgot about her. She was alone when she had the stroke. It's all my fault. I can't seem to forgive myself.

 

I remember when she was in the ambulance, she asked me for water in her slurred speech. It just broke my heart because I can't give it to her. She had just finished lunch and hadn't had a drink of water.

 

I do hope that mom saw us perform from above or next to us. Thanks again!

 

:(

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May, I know how it feels....I wish my mom could read the chapter I'm writing now. It just feels so odd without having her read it and tell me how proud she is.

 

Sad and lonely, I have those moments too. Every time I take a picture of my cats, I immediately want to show it to her, and realize I can't. Or if I'm watching a cute animal video, I want to call my mom--but can't. And every time, I see an outfit I know she'd like, I want to call her over--but can't.

 

It will take a while to get used to. Probably a very long time, given how much we miss our moms. 

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Silverkitties, mom loved watching her Chinese opera DVDs. She can watch them over and over. I didn't know that Youtube would carry it until I looked it up one day. She had a favorite one and I was watching it the other day and I cried so hard. Yesterday, I heard the song Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Milder on the radio. It brought back memories because that was the song we chose for her funeral. These couple of days hasn't been good at all.

 

While she was in hospice, we put a laptop by mom's bedside 24/7 so that she can she can hear/see her Chinese opera. There was a day where she surprised us by staying up so long. Normally, since she is very weak, she only opens her eyes for a few minutes and goes back to sleep. Well, she stayed up for over an hour. Sometimes I wonder if mom could see us because sometimes she's focused and other times not. She can't talk and sometimes, at the beginning, she can squeeze two fingers. 

 

Are you almost at the end of your book? You're going to have to celebrate and open that bottle of champagne.

 

I do believe that it's going to take awhile for us to get better. I was doing better a few weeks ago and not cried one but, I was sad. Then, it started again. I guess that time I was keeping myself busy.

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I wish I were through, May! I'm only close to finishing the first part. But the second part should be easier since I will have finished all the research.

 

I saw my mom become weaker between July and September even though I tried not to see it. I would always think, well, she's still recovering from her weakness in July. Maybe this is just a little relapse. But in late August and September, it was clear she was having more and more severe pains in her stomach. And whereas she was able to put on her diapers by herself in July, she could no longer do so then.

 

One day, I will have to watch Chinese opera, May--I know very little about it since my parents were much more familiar w/ Japanese rather than Chinese culture. (They grew up under the occupation.) I will think of you when I do watch one. Are there subtitles?

 

Yes, sometimes keeping busy keeps the pain away. I have been almost too stressed out these past two weeks to become truly, truly depressed even though I still cry at times. For instance, last night, I cried in the shower.  

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This thread is such a good idea. It's a nice feeling knowing I have sonewhere to come to talk to people who know exactly how I feel...

I'm from the UK, I live just outside London, about 25minutes commute.

Where are you all from, just being curious.

X

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Sad&lonely,

 

I agree with you 100%. Before I joined this site I thought that nobody will understand my how I feeling or what I'm going through. I guessed wrong and I'm so glad I'm on this site. I was on another site for about two weeks. I left that site because people didn't respond. I was very desperate at the beginning...constantly crying, very depressed, didn't eat (losing a lb in a week), alone and empty. I wanted to call it the end. I'm glad I left and joined this site.

 

I'm from the United States, Texas. We are known for the Lone Star State.

 

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Sad & lonely, I'm in CT. But I spent 7 years in England during the 1990s studying and teaching; I was 2 and 1/2 hours west of London.

 

So many of my memories of England involve my mom even though she only came once a year to visit. She'd stay for about a month or so and we would have so much fun trying the different restaurants--and yes, going to London on the weekends. It felt great to return home from the library to chat; sometimes we'd meet in the town center to have lunch too. We both enjoyed Harry Ramsden's when it was still there.

 

In London, we'd always get off at M&S at Oxford, head to Selfridge's, go to a carvery (we LOVED them!) or an Indian restaurant, sometimes go to the bookstores on the Strand, or hit one of the Japanese department stores on Piccadilly. Sometimes, we'd go to exhibits at the Tate. Not least, it was SO wonderful, taking the bus in and out of London, even if there was traffic; we once lucked out and got a great seat on the top deck enjoying the views in what was to be one of our last trips to the city.

 

Btw, England was great without my mom too:) I really enjoyed my years there and dang, if my university would hire me, I would hurry back in a jiffy! (Although this is unlikely to happen unless I win a Pulitzer or Nobel, LOL!); I'd say it was some of the best years in my life and sometimes it still feels like a dream to have been amidst the spires. I tell you, I would not have been there were it not for my mom as she's always been the wind beneath my wings.

 

It's just now, I associate it so much with my mom. I'm crying as I write because I know I will never experience this again. I've been thinking about returning to England for research but don't know if I can go without being besieged by memories of all the things we did together. It's going to be hard enough just going to nearby NYC where I have a lot of memories of mom too.

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I always dreamt of visiting Texas, as a small child I had an imaginary friend called Texas.

SK I know what you mean about going back places where you have lots of memories, we were all (including mum) supposed to be flying out to Portugal at the end of this month for a family holie we all went last year.

I can't go now not without mum, it would be to upsetting for me and I feel it would ruin our family holiday, we cancelled flights and are driving down to Devon for a few days break.

The world is so big, mum had travelled to the US a few years back, she had such a fab time, I'm so happy she got to go, she always dreamt of it. She talked about it for years after too lol

X

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Sad, I have only been to Texas once--Forth Worth, in particular. I remember thinking I wish mom could be here too...I called her every evening to tell her what I saw and ate. (Yes my mom was a foodie!)

 

It would be so hard to go to Portugal now...Devon sounds like enough of a break for you. I hope you can find some peace there; sometimes it helps to get away. Wish I could do that too....but I've got a dad and 2 kitties here. 

 

I have not been to Devon myself, I'm ashamed to say. Only London, Cambridge, Leeds, and the Lake District; would love to see more of the latter. (I went to Belfast by myself, and went to Scotland with my folks when my Dad had a conference and I completed my degree.) There's so much in England, and really the UK, that I still want to see...would love to visit the eastern portion. esp. Norfolk and Sussex.

 

And then there's all of Ireland which is supposed to be absolutely beautiful.

 

I have never been to either Spain or Portugal--maybe one day!

 

P.S. Oops, forgot Bath--how could I when mom and I spent 3 days there?!

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I wish my mom and I went traveling. We weren't able to because we had a family business to run that opened 365 days a year, rain or shine, snow or hurricane. Besides that, mom was a stay-at-home person. She didn't want to go anywhere. Working was her priority. She stopped working in 2013. Until maybe the last 10 years, we traveled to Houston every year. My mom's best friend moved there.

 

We were planning another trip out there to see mom's friend in a couple of months but then mom had the stroke. Her friend (like an aunt to us) said she was glad to have seen mom 6 months earlier.

 

Mom never went back to China to visit. She came to the the U.S. on March 13, 1969 and she died on the same day March 13, 2015. Isn't that something?! 

 

Here I am starting to cry. She was a very hard working person. She overcame many hardships to provide for her family. She skipped many meals so that her children can eat. She worked in the rice fields before sun up and way before sun down. She was abused mentally and physically by my dad. I never knew my dad. He died when I was a year old. I don't care to know him.

 

Working hard all her life was all that she knew how to do. She didn't stop to smell the roses. I just wished she traveled. 

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MayMW my dad never travelled, he was all for working everyday, just like your mum.

It's funny how things turn out isn't it, how things make sense, like we all did a family holiday last year with mum, not knowing it would be our first and last, all together.

Your mum getting to visit her friend months before etc, it all falls into place somewhat..

SK one of my 3 sisters lives in Norfolk, we visit frequently, Cambridge is beautiful not far from us, we took our little boy recently punting. I too have stayed in Bath, another beautiful part of the UK with my mum, she loved visiting places. We could take her anywhere and she'd be happy.

I will get to the US one day, maybe when my little one gets bigger and my partner gets over his fear that we'll get shot!!

X

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May, bless your mom for having worked so hard. I wonder if that's partly what helped her live as long as she did? I would love to see China. I've only ever seen it in movies, esp. "Crouching Tiger." The scenery is stunning!

 

Sad, that's so sweet you took him punting! I went punting only once--and it happened to pour half an hour later. My friends and I were stuck under the bridge for 2 hours when it started to thunder. In all of this, we managed to see a swimming rat;)

 

Well, tell your partner to stay out of the South, Plains, MidWest, and West--just kidding! It is amazing how high gun ownership is all over the US...but I have to admit I've never heard a gun in a residential or urban area ever (except in one of those staged Revolutionary battles), even though it does happen. Ironically, the only time I've ever heard a gun go off was in Belfast during "marching season!"

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I just want to thank everyone for coming here and sharing about your wonderful parent(s) who have passed on.  So much wonderful sharing about such good people who have left us.  I am always inspired when I read what loving, hard working, and good people the elderly are.  

My goal in life is to try to be the kind of person my parents were.  Loving, caring and kind toward others, hard working, good sense of humour, fun, wise, understanding, and on and on.  In my mind trying to be that kind of person becomes a legacy of my parents and honours them like no other way could.  

 

Thanks again everyone .... in reading about the loved ones who have left us, it is no wonder we feel so sad that they are gone.  The good thing is, that I believe to the core that we will all be reunited one day.

 

God bless

Cindy Jane

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Lucky you, Retz--several messages from mom! I only have one from her: when she called me to say she was frightened of the biopsy. It was a message that caught me unawares a few months ago when I was going over all of our messages and hadn't realized that I kept it. I opted to save it but haven't been able to bring myself to listen to it again. And yet, strangely, I hung onto it...as if I didn't want to let any piece of her go.

 

Have a good ride today...you know your mom would be proud of you. She won't be there physically, but you know at the bottom of your heart that she'd be proud of you for riding, and proud of you for confronting the assholes. LET'S ROLL!!

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Yeah, I agree with Silverkitties, Retz. You have several messages from mom?! I had a message from mom about a month ago before her stroke. I went to the grocery store and she called to to ask what was taking so long. I told her that I've been gone for only 25 minutes. She probably miss me. lol

 

That message is gone because the day my mom died. I was having trouble with my phone. I lost a lot of contact numbers.

 

Most of my friends don't contact me anymore like they used to. After the funeral, they stopped calling. So, I know what you mean Retz when you talk about friends and acquaintances changed. I keep thinking positive that maybe their busy with work and family. I don't know. I'm not going to lose sleep over this. It's okay!

 

Mom will be there with you spiritually on your bike ride. Are you going to do 90 miles?  :) Have fun out there and come back and tell us how it went. Be safe!

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I'm glad you had a good one, Retz--62 miles is awesome. Mom must be beaming from above! Maybe she was the wind beneath your wings today?

 

Arggh, I'm still sitting here, working away. I think I might be able to finish most of it tonight. It's great to be able to nip in here every once in a while and feel less isolated.

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Retz, sound like you had a great time...even without 'friends'. I'll let you in on a secret, I don't know how to ride a bike. I know how to ride a stationary one.  62 miles is amazing! I'm scared of you! lol 

 

Today, I'm going visit the cemetary. I know that I'm going to cry alot. I'm already starting. The last time I went was on Mother's Day. I stayed in front of mom the whole time. She's buried right next to her parents. I forgot to pay respect to the other relatives. 

 

The other day I ran into a neighbor during my walk and she said that I shouldn't cry because our loved ones can't cross over completely. I'm not religious so, I don't know.  Have you heard of this?

 

 

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May, I did hear that once--that if you mourn for too long, the deceased can't move on. I'm curious to hear from others on this too.

 

I didn't learn to ride a bike until I was 10: my mom had to force me. It took me nearly 2 and a half days so it wasn't too bad: but then I learned to enjoy it so much! Haven't gone on a bike since I was in college though. So I have all the admiration for Retz. 62 miles! I think I I have only done a tenth of that at most.

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