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Everly

Loss of a parent - daily thread

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A lot of fascinating thoughts here and resonate with me...

 

Debbie, I sometimes wonder what would have happened had my dad died first rather than my mom. I know financially speaking, it would have been easier as my mom would have been able to guide me through since she knew everything.

 

And yet, I wonder how I would feel if there were absolutely no one around to help buttress the shock of losing her alone. I wonder too if my mom would have lasted so long without my dad. For some odd reason, she really loved him despite his being a terrible husband. I guess this is what is referred to as one of life--or love's--mysteries.

 

Cindyjane, I cannot imagine what it would be like to have to move out of my present house so suddenly, as some here are trying to advise. Frankly, it would feel like another loss. I know there are people who cannot bear the thought of staying where their loved ones are gone. But for me, it feels like a good bond.

 

Retz, I've been sleeping in my mom's room for the last 2 days because of my cat, but I haven't gotten any signs yet either:( And yes, when our moms die, they take a big part out of us. The part of me that used to enjoy watching films and TV every once in a while died. Without my mom, the experience is just not the same. And I can't watch anything w/ my dad as he's such a moron; he never gets the subtleties that my mom and I appreciate. Everything has to be explained to him 3000 x before he gets it. God, do I hate dumb people--too bad his mother didn't miscarry as my mom did twice. 

 

Isn't it amazing, btw, how the least caring are the greediest--like your brother? I've heard similar stories where the sisters who've done nothing to help their mom want as much as possible. Totally sick.

 

May, our mothers can never live long enough: although I do envy your mom for her long 86 years! You must have taken extremely good care of her. Again, it's such a miracle considering you had a stroke yourself.

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MayFGL   

My mom was a very strong woman. She outlasted her parents. The doctor at hospice kept saying that she has a strong heart. It amazes me that through the hardship, the kids (when we were young), the situation with my asshole father and just everything in between, she was never sick. 

 

I took care of mom the best that I could. I cooked, took her to the restroom, took her a bath every other day (not easy to do), took her to the restroom, changed her diapers, took her to the restroom, cleaned after her, took her to the restroom and more. Exhausted just thinking about it. And, I did it with one hand. 

 

We have one thing in common.....we have asshole fathers. :)

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Amazing, May--you almost wonder if the difficulty made her stronger? You have everything to be proud of!

 

Since it's bedtime for many of us--well, at least here on the east coast, I have some cute videos...that is, if you are a cat lover: momma talking to her kittens, w/ a little help from an older sister:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmf0KAHWlnk

 

My mom and I got through nearly 10 minutes of it. (I turned her into a cat person!)

 

Collection of mom cats and kittens (this one is shorter)

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urvskSrwi5Q

 

I love how the mamas put their arm around their babies.

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MayFGL   

Awwwww!!! So cute!!!! I'm more of a dog person....but, I love all animals. That's why I can never become a vet because I would break down at some of the things that they go through

 

cindyjane/retz62---- I still sleep in my mom's bed. I've started sleeping with mom ever since she wasn't able to take care of herself. There is a twin bed next to mom's bed and I could've slept there but, I would be so exhausted that I'm afraid I can't hear mom call me that she needs to pee. And, she goes alot throughout the night. The minute I fell back asleep, she needed to go again. It was a continuous cycle.

Those few times where I said I woke up with the smell mom and the medicated oil that she uses, I'm wondering if it's just my imagination. No one in the family uses it and all oils are put away.

We still have to go to the cemetary to do last minute detail on the headstone. I know I'm going to cry my eyes out.  :(

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It's interesting that you mention that you still sleep in the same bed. It was so bad last night I had to move back into my own room--even though I really wanted my kitty with me.

 

No, I didn't see my mom's ghost=)

 

It's that her bed was so uncomfortable--very wobbly. Last night and the night before, I was up till 4:30 because it was terrible and I was beginning to itch too.  I almost wonder if the bed didn't cause any problems for her. I remember her moving around constantly, picking at the blankets saying she couldn't sleep;  I thought it was the chemo then.

 

But even when we moved her into my dad's room because I simply couldn't care for her night and day, especially with a new term starting and projects to finish, she still wanted to move back into her room.

 

Yet what was interesting is that over the last 2 years my mom had been asking me if I needed a new bed. She was so sweet, always thinking of me: she was concerned my mattresses were too old because I've had them since 2007! They are still very hard which I like; I can't imagine changing for at least another few years.

 

I feel selfish because I should have checked my mom's bed. She only got it in early 2012--and yes, brand new--so I didn't think there would be any problems last year.

 

May, I would find it difficult to be a vet too: took me at least half a year to get over the loss of my favorite cat (nearly 16 1/2 yrs old) on New Year's Eve, 2007. I always feel terrible for ill animals and can't even imagine what it's like telling an owner that his/her pet needs to be euthanized.

 

(And yes, those mamas and their kittens are adorable! I'll try to look up some dogs and puppies for you!:)

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MayFGL   

My mom's bed also. I've been having problems as well. My back has been hurting. Some days I sleep in the middle and other days I sleep slanted---my head in one corner and my feet on the opposite corner. Mom slept fine on it. I did too, until now. I don't want to get rid of it yet. Mom liked that mattress. I was told to get rid of the mattress but, I said "No, thanks. You're not the one sleeping on it. It's my backache."  :)

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Here's for you, May--golden retriever Mom, Dad and pups. Can you find mom amidst all her pups in their feeding frenzy?! Notice how the dad is a typical dad--he's carrying a ball!~ some dads really know how to play. Also see hubby and wifey having a playfight!

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRjwfslpaMc

 

Look at Mom frolicking w/ her little ones! (Poms are one of my favorites since they sorta look like cats)

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1dbYI52DEI

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MayFGL   

Awwwwww!! That is just too cute! Now, I want one of each. We once had two dogs that had puppies a week apart. It felt like 101 Dalmations.

 

My turn. Dogs that pray.

 

https://youtu.be/O2dt5a8ltes 

 

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MayFGL   

This evening when I went for my daily walk, I ran into a neighborhood friend that I haven't seen since mom died. We chatted for a bit and when she asked me, "How are you doing?" I said, "I could've been better." I proceeded to tell her about mom's death. I felt the tears coming on. My eyes are welled up with tears. Then, I just let it all out. 

 

Two and a half weeks ago, I went for blood work. And the lady asked me how was my mom. I cried for a long time and she asked me to stay in the office until I'm ready to leave. She will use another office to work on the patients. It was so nice of her.

 

Ever since I was a kid, I was never the type to cry in front of people. That would show my weakness. Now, I know, it's okay to cry anywhere and anytime you have to.

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I'm feeling so low right now!!

I hate my life and I wish I'd died instead of my mum.. When I think about her life she had so much more fun and enjoyment from living, where as I gave been unhappy for a long time.

I don't know what I'm going to do, I wish I could pack a bag get in my car and go... Leaving my boyfriend and little boy behind... I know I'd miss them terribly but I'm so unhappy and I can't live like this anymore.

Why is life so cruel, do you think I was a bad person that's why my life is now so miserable.

I miss my mum so much , she was the only person who I know loved me for who I am, a mothers love. Now I've nothing left..

I'm so alone.

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MayFGL   

sad&lonely, I sometimes feel like that, too. I feel guilty that my mom died. It should've been me instead. I ask myself "Why?" Yes, life is cruel and unfair. Mom and I did everything together. 

 

I'm trying to think positive that one of these day we will overcome our grief so that we can enjoy life. I miss my mom, too. I find that this site helps alot.

 

You're not alone in this. We're here to support each other so you don't have to go through it alone.

 

 

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Thank you MayMW, I just needed to get it off my chest..

My boyfriend wouldn't understand how I feel so I've nobody else to talk to....

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MayFGL   

You are most welcome, sad&lonely. Nobody understands the loss of a parent unless they've been through it themselves; and unless they love their mom like the way you and I do.

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I've never been the best mum to my little boy, but since my mum passed away I'm losing my temper with him so much, I'm constantly shouting at him..

I feel like if I'd died instead of my mum she would of been a better mum to my little boy, she was so laid back and always wanted a boy (after having 4 girls)

I'm useless in every possible way....

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MayFGL   

sad&lonely, please don't do this to yourself. Losing your temper and shouting after your mom died is part of your grieving. A few weeks ago, I asked my sister a question not realizing that I had asked her in a rude tone. You really can't blame yourself.

 

You are important to me. Remember that.

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Mkd152   

Anyone who needs a shoulder to lean on can reach out to me. I'm having an alright day today and don't feel engulfed in the darkness.. Love you all

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Mkd152   

Retz- 1. Happy birthday beautiful! 2. I'm so sorry it's without your sweet mother. Husbands/boyfriends can be such jerks sometimes! I feel like I'm saying the same thing over and over but I still never receive the support I need from him- so I can relate. Why not try to do something relaxing for yourself? You've gotta take care of you --- especially on your birthday. maybe get a massage or your hair done? It's so silly, but can distract you and really mellow you out. If your husband doesn't do anything special, maybe just do whatever you want. Don't worry about fighting no matter how much hurt you have. This is your day and it's the time to be a little selfish. You can cry. Go get a manicure. Eat cake alone. This is your day and treat yourself :)

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I second MKD--go treat yourself: I bet your mom would love it! My impression has always been that most men treat their wives and GFs special in the first 3 years or so....and then they begin forgetting special dates.

 

Oddly, my dad is pretty decent with remembering, but he sucks with presents. He's never given one in the belief that since my mom handled all the finances and had more or less free rein, all the gift giving was up to her. (LOL, if my mom were to take a huge chunk of money and spend it on herself, he would never know!)

 

However, my dad does not remember which day my mom first arrived in the US--even though he remembers the NJ state senator who granted her a special visa as he was studying in NJ then.  (At that time, Asians were not able to immigrate due to the Asian Exclusion Act; the Civil Rights Act of 1964 changed this.)  Nor does he remember their anniversary. How could he not remember either, especially when the first was very difficult to accomplish--taking something like 5 years?

 

My b-day suggestion: splurge a little. Maybe something that honors your mom too....like buying a dress you know she would have liked. Or maybe a perfume or candle scent that you've always wanted to get for yourself and reminds you a bit of your mom too. Or perhaps a beautiful frame for one of her photos.  

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I also like to believe it's only a matter of time before I'm with mum again.

I do hope its true and that she and my dad will be waiting when it's my time.

It's all that keeps me going.

X

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I believe that you guys are all on the right track.  My faith tells me that one day when it is our turn to go "home" we will be reunited with our loved ones.  The Bible tells us that and the Bible is GOD's Word which is good enough for me.

Since losing my parents I have studied scripture and my faith has grown so much.  There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that we will once again be with our loved ones.  Until then, I plan on being the best person that I can be and will hopefully be able to follow my parents lead in how to live life in being a kind, loving, caring, hard working and supportive person.

 

Take care everyone

Cindy Jane

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