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Loss of a parent - daily thread

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Hi ItsComplicated,

I'm so sorry for your losses. That is a lot for one young person to go through. I'm so sorry your best friend was not able to be more supportive during this difficult time.

I can relate to a lot of what you said. I too felt alone and depressed dealing with my grief.

I think you are on the right track. I do feel that being here at this forum and writing out my feeling has made a difference. Someone told me I had to get the hurt out. There are days I still feel hurt, but I am getting a little better.

Please know you are among friends and we are all here to listen and support each other.

 

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I lost my mother on 1st of January 2 weeks after she had a heart surgery.  She passed away suddenly when I thought she was recovering well.  She was next to me and I watched her leaving this world.  Doctors said that she is going to be ok after the surgery and she was going to lead a very good healthy life.  I am not able to forget the image of her leaving and the last 5 mins of her life.  It is extremely painful.  I am still in shock, disbelief and my mother who is my best friend, soulmate, guide and she has left me.  She was only 70 and she was leading a very active life. I am not able believe that I haven't spoken to her for 28 days and  i will not be able to speak to her  or see her for the rest of my life.  The thought of leading the rest of my life without her is unbearable.  I feel lonely without her and every second is painful and i am not sure how i will be cope up with this grief.

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On 21/01/2018 at 5:35 PM, pango said:

competence

Hello Vandana , Extremely sorry for the loss . May God give you energy to get over it & may the soul of your Mother rest in peace .

Further I lost my mother on 24th Dec 2017 & my father 17 years back . I am filled with extreme regret & Guilt on the death of my Mother because I did not admit mother to a big private hospital . I instead admitted her in a government hospital as the same was relatively near & my mother was in emergency situation . She passed away the same day on which she was admitted. IT IS ONE of the biggest loss of my life. I being only son she was very very close to me . I regret that had I admitted her to a big private hospital she must have been saved . 

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44 minutes ago, Neer said:

Hello Vandana , Extremely sorry for the loss . May God give you energy to get over it & may the soul of your Mother rest in peace .

Further I lost my mother on 24th Dec 2017 & my father 17 years back . I am filled with extreme regret & Guilt on the death of my Mother because I did not admit mother to a big private hospital . I instead admitted her in a government hospital as the same was relatively near & my mother was in emergency situation . She passed away the same day on which she was admitted. IT IS ONE of the biggest loss of my life. I being only son she was very very close to me . I regret that had I admitted her to a big private hospital she must have been saved . 

Hi Neer

I am so sorry for your  loss.  I can understand what you are going through.  I am in a similar situation,  I am also filled with regret and guilt of having put my mother through the surgery.  She was fine leading an active life and even without the surgery she would have lived for a few years.  My mother was admitted to one of the best hospitals and experienced and well qualified surgeons operated on her.  They said she would be perfectly fine after the surgery.  She came back home and in 3 days she passed away.  I regret that we went for the surgery or we should have waited and asked for 2nd opinion.  I am going thru. a roller coaster of emotions every single minute and my mind is reeling with questions like, why, where is she, how do i talk to her. My mother is everything to me.  

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Vandana Thanks for reply ..I have found these forums helpful as you get to know that there are many others that are in similar situation & you are not alone . I loved my mother very very much & she was the world for me . I really miss her very very much. I am married 2 kids & belong to Lucknow. Which city you belong to....

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So when I wrote here last my mother had died very recently and my father was scheduled to go in for cancer surgery on the Thursday. Now it has been a week and a day since mum died and dad had his surgery. Unfortunately there seem to be complications after dad's surgery; I guess it was too much to hope for that it would be plain sailing.

My sister has been round a lot this last week, coming twice for a few days each time but now I'm at the start of the rest of my life and I'm going to be on my own in the house (except for schwackabee, our cat). 

I'm still worried that despite the stress I feel, I don't think I have "grieved" enough. Thinking about my mum dying before she actually did (and since she died suddenly and unexpectedly I had no reason to think this would be soon) used to make me cry more than her actual death has. I cry more when I'm with my sister and we are remembering something about her but it's just for a few seconds then I get control back. I'm worried that in a month, two months, three? I will be hit by the grief and be unable to function. Right now could be all "shock". I'm trying to get the house tidy and everything sorted out now in case that does happen.

I do so wish I had started a family though instead of being alone. My sister has a husband and 2 children to go back to; however bad her grief is, her day to day activities can be the same as they always used to be. The same for my brother in Japan with his wife and child. For me, my life is completely different from moment to moment compared with how it was before. My mum used to say, if I ever said like "how would I manage without you?", she said "Just imagine I'm still in bed and it will be the same". I try to do that. It doesn't work.

edit: I also wanted to thank bloom for the kind and helpful words. I thought I had made a post about that but it seems I never finished it so I didn't post it. Thank you, bloom.

Edited by pango
added thanks to bloom

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17 hours ago, Neer said:

Vandana Thanks for reply ..I have found these forums helpful as you get to know that there are many others that are in similar situation & you are not alone . I loved my mother very very much & she was the world for me . I really miss her very very much. I am married 2 kids & belong to Lucknow. Which city you belong to....

Hi Neer

I can understand, as my mother meant everything to me.  I would share every small thing with her and I have lost a mother, a friend and everything.   I live in New York. 

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Dear Pango,

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's condition. I know its a lot to go through so soon after losing your beloved mum. My thoughts and prayers are with your family. Try and be kind and gentle with yourself.  I know you devoted a lot of your time to your parents. I don't think its every too late to start a family. It can take many shapes and sizes. Give yourself more time.

Dear vandana and Neer,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am very sorry for your loss.

Vandana something very similar happened with my father as well. He was in the hospital for heart failure but the doctor told us he had another 6 months to 1 year but he passed three days later.

I'm so sorry for all your pain and sorrow. I know it takes the mind a long time to come to terms with the shock and our new reality. Take care your time and be kind to yourself

Thinking of you all.

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Thanks for the kind thoughts and advice, Reader.

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On ‎1‎/‎28‎/‎2018 at 5:31 AM, pango said:

I'm still worried that despite the stress I feel, I don't think I have "grieved" enough.

Hi, Pango - Grief is a strange creature. Sometimes, you feel like you aren't feeling enough; other times it is so overwhelming that you wonder if you'll survive it. It is also unpredictable. You may have a streak of good, productive days or just one in a sea of seemingly difficult days. I can tell you that at only four weeks in, grief will come back to be experienced again and again over the coming months. I know that may sound a bit discouraging - to think how you feel may last months. But this is a substantial change and processing that takes time. Try to be patient with yourself.

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I have been doing not too badly lately although it's only been two and a half weeks so anything is possible in the future. My secret to coping right now which I'm sharing in case it helps someone else is: watching Friends on Netflix. Death is mentioned in some episodes of Friends, which can be upsetting but in general the world is cosy and familiar. The comedy comes from the predictable outcomes because the characters all have stereotypical, exaggerated personalities.

I expect other situation comedies would work as well. I've even caught myself laughing out loud at parts.

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Dear Pango,

Thank you for coming back and letting us know how you are doing.

Glad to hear that watching Friends has provided some comfort.  Thank you for the suggestion.

Take care and wishing you well.

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2 hours ago, reader said:

Dear Pango,

Thank you for coming back and letting us know how you are doing.

Glad to hear that watching Friends has provided some comfort.  Thank you for the suggestion.

Take care and wishing you well.

Hello everyone ....I am currently in second month of my Mummy ji passing away . And all these. Days have been really very very difficult . This Forum & other online grief/death related posts I keep on reading & feel comfortable that I am not alone with this condolence. I have read almost 50% pages of the 101 pages of loss of mother/father thread & others I will read soon  . Posts from bloom , skynett , mission blue , vandana , Tessa (some spelling might be wrong) and many many more ..I am missing names ..are really comforting & I relate with my loss where ever possible. 

My mother as all mothers was a very very good lady , although 73 yrs 9 months but extremely active took medicines properly . I cared for her & loved her very very much . Then she probably got slight cold and as per discussion in family was to be admitted urgently in ER . I took her in my car & the nearest big Hospital happened to be a big government Hospital . The next Hospital a big private Hospital  was nearly 10 minutes drive ahead. I was actually not aware how much time I had as my mother was serious & wishing not to be late in getting  her treatment I admitted her in that Govt. Hospital . The care & treatment was not very good but we did not question the Doctors much not to upset them . But Alas my mother died in the evening same day. Just 30-40 minutes prior to her death they said that the situation is not good. I am beating myself for the past 2 months out of guilt that had I drived the car 10minutes more I would have reached that very prestigious pvt. Hospital & admitted her there and she might be fine . My mother was a very strong lady & would have gone 85 yrs approx. My second killer guilt is that when we saw the treatment not to that mark why I did not Immediately shift my mother to another Hospital . Actually I became very contended that she is in the hospital & all my work is done .Rather the sence of urgency wiped away. Can anyone please help . I an 44 years age married. 2 children a good understanding wife & they all support me but the guilt is just killing me . I weep everyday inside my full mask helmet almost everyday & whereever I get some time alone & curse myself for all the wrong decisions . 

Good things with mothers death that probably she suffered very less , died the same day of hospitalization (no ICU , intubation , hospice , many months of suffering etc )

This is the only forum that I can discuss these things openly not even to my dear & near once .

Regarding my mother she loved me very very very much .I am from India-traditional family . And from the time I came from office till night I was literally with her 100% . Walking with her , having tea with her , exercise and all talks /seva .I loved spending time with her & I am fully content with my service towards her all these days /years . She was proud of me and used to say to everybody regarding my devotion towards her . But I feel that after serving for so many years I have cheated  her on the last day by not admitting her to the best hospital of the town that was hardly 10 minutes ahead . I ask my mom to come in my dreams but my mom is angry with me & not came Even once properly in past 40 days . 

May all of you that have lost a parent recently be happy & pass on the grieving process & your lost parent my be in peace . ...Neer

 

 

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I’m having a hard time right now. I’m 15 and my mom died after a short illness in May 2016 when I was 13. It came out of no where and she was only 50. I’m generally okay by now but right now I just can’t stop crying and it’s really hitting me that I’m never gonna see her again or hear her voice. I’m wondering if anyone else goes through this, where it’s been a while but you have sudden bursts of grief? I’m not really sure what response I want here just kind of needed somewhere to put this cause I don’t like talking to my dad or sister about it :(

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Really the same thing ...As time passes we are hit extremely hard that probably such a long life lay Head & we can not see ,talk ,touch our mother ever . What a cruel reality .My mother was a God for me ....

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Hi og 

i can fully understand your grief returning after time has passed and certain things that make you think of your mum. I lost my dad seven years ago but still turn to forums like this to help me deal with my loss. Although I feel like I have dealt with loosing my best friend my father milestones in your life will continually trigger some Sadness and feeling of loss. My son was born five years ago which made me cry uncontrollably and again when he started school this week. However the crying i believe is exactly what we need, as it makes us remember those we loved and lost. Hang in there kid and keep expressing your feelings. I also feel I can't do that with my family but these sites are fantastic to let it all out. 

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Hi Og/Neer

I can relate to what you are going through.  It's been 40 days since my mother passed away, I am not able to describe in words how much I miss her every single minute.  The kind of anxiety, anger, frustration and sadness I am going thru.  I am simply not able to come to terms that I will never be able to speak or see her forever.  It is unbelievable, how one person can just vanish from this earth right in front of your eyes.  She was right in front of me when it happened.  She was talking to me and within 5 mins she was gone.  I just cannot understand How it can happen.  I feel so guilty that I could have done something to save her in that 5 mins,  I feel like i failed her.  She was my best friend, philosopher and guide.  I feel abandoned, and also upset how she could leave me like this.  Every minute I feel like we could have done things differently and she would be alive now.   She would have been alive had it not been for the surgery.  Like Neer, I also feel like we could have gone for a 2nd opinion before we decided on the surgery.  I really do not understand what went wrong and why she had to go.  She was so active before the surgery and she was never sick except for the cough.  I do not know how I will spend my life without her.   People keep saying that time will heal everything.  But, the last 40 days have been miserable and I miss my mother so badly.   

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Verdana, it has been 3 weeks to the day since my mother died and the way you describe things it's clear we are going through the same thing. For me it is unbelievable too. How could she not be here any more? I feel like someone picked me up and put me in an alternate universe. The times when I'm doing better it feels like it's because I am just filling in time watching this tv show/doing this housework/going shopping/feeding the cat while waiting for her and the bad times are when it is more clear to me that she is never coming back- this is it, alone forever. I thought I wouldn't be facing this for at least ten more years.

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Dear Vandana & Pango , nice to see your message . I actually love to see messages from this forum In Inbox . Keep patience time will heal ..I am also suffering a lot . I lost my father long back & mother 46 days back . Still I weep & beat myself everyday as I feel myself responsible by not admitting in the top hospital of town . The guilt is killing but by Gods grace there is a lot of work from morn till late evening and that is keeping me busy . When we think that such a long life lied ahead & I shall not be able to talk to. Her , see her , touch her the thought is actually too hard & killing . 

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Hello everyone, again, so sorry for your losses. It's been nearly a year since my mom passed on. And I am most certainly feeling better these days. But on occasion, still feel sad. It does take time to heal, one month is not enough time, 6 months is not enough time, 1 year is not enough time. BUT, you will feel better. I would encourage getting a therapist or a good friend to talk to. Grief has a way to arise without notice, and there are a lot of mixed emotions that we will feel. And its all normal. So we just have to let grief happen. Get help if you need it. We can't deal with grief alone, I know, as I have tried, but had to get a therapist. But you will heal, and you will feel better as time passes, but it does take some time. So be good to yourself, understand that it's a difficult time, and be as kind to yourself as you would be to others. We are all in the same boat, we care for each other, and hope everyone will heal and feel better.

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Pango/Neer

It is the same with me, i feel like this is an alternate universe that I am in without my mother.  I also  agree, the time i am doing better, is when i am at work, talking to people or going out doing chores.  When I am alone, and looking at her picture, listening to her voice message or the songs she sang, i am still in denial, getting emotional.  I feel that she will be back and will talk to me.  Maybe, i should stop doing that for sometime.  

I keep going back and forth with the emotions, sometimes accepting the fact that i will not be seeing her again and sometimes not able to accept.  It is so difficult to reconcile to the fact that i will never be able to talk, see or touch my mother ever again.  I am having such a difficult time.  Why does life have to be so brutal.

I really want to keep myself busy and get engrossed in some activity, meet friends, watch tv shows or movies and try to distract my mind.   When I am thinking of her and crying, i feel like she is telling me to  be positive, think positive, work hard, enjoy life and enjoy people, like she always use to tell me every day all her life to encourage me.  I feel like i owe it to her to implement all the positive things she told me.   I am upset she is not telling me in person sitting next to me.   I feel guilty that i am letting her down, if i am depressed.

As bloom said,  it might take time, with the help of somebody either a therapist or a well wisher, but i  sincerely hope we all feel better and be positive and try to enjoy every moment for the rest of our lives.

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Today is Sunday . My mother died on Sunday at 5 PM . Till this time on Sunday ,she was alive . Every Sunday brings her death memory live . Wish my Dear Mother was alive . She did so much for all of us thru out life . 

 

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I'm not sure if I'm joining the parent loss support group so pls advise

my sister n I had to take my father off life support just yesterday am

it was an utter n complete shock to us n from the time he was admitted to the er n the time of his death was a mere 9 hours

he was rushed to the hospital from his nursing home 

when I first saw him my sister told me to prepare myself n i was beyond shocked

im absolutely still in shock numb n feel so alone

my husband is treating me like it's just another day n being impatient if I don't make sense keep changing my mind etc

yes I've yelled at him trying to calm him down n ive had to keep reminding all day that my dad just died yesterday n quit expecting me to b "normal"

i am abt to crack up emotionally n I truly have no one to turn to

believe it or not he is a minister n whenever anyone in the cong needs help he drops everything to run n help them

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Hi everyone, 

I'm new here, I don't know if this will help. But it is almost a year to the day that my dad got the call for the multi organ transplant that he never recovered from and I'm realizing I can't keep going on dealing with this on my own, bottled up. 

My dad was sick for a long time, with various different illnesses. He finally got the call Feb 15, 2017 for a multi organ transplant. He really only needed a new liver as his was failing due to a non alcoholic liver disease. However, a blood clot made it so that he needed to also have other organs transplanted at the same time. I didn't want him to get the transplant, I knew this was going to happen. I do know he couldn't go on much longer without it though, so there wasn't much of an option. He fought for 4 months, but he never made it out of recovery and passed away May 8th 2017. I was in the room when he passed away. I was actually there the day things went bad (he was on support systems for 2 more days) and I held his hand and looked at his confused face as nurses were tending to him, telling him everything would be ok. I was also there to hear him tell the nurse that he didn't want to be revived if it came to that. My mom became hysterical and he changed his mind. Part of me knows that he was ready to be done with the constant pain and is glad he isn't anymore, but part of me is angry that he was willing to give up. Then I was there in the hospital room and watched his heart rate drop knowing it was the end. I run over those few days in my head almost daily. I looked it up and apparently it has something to do with the brain trying to understand/come to terms with what has happened. 

I still don't really know how to handle it. He was my best friend. I was 23 when he passed away (24 now), newly engaged at the time and excited to start a new life with my fiance, having a wedding, and having kids. All of that came to a screeching halt when he passed away and the thought of doing all of those things and not having him there is too much to accept. 

My grandma (his mom) just passed away Dec 29, she was sick too, but I think the grief was too much to take. 

Now I recently found out my 3 year old nephew likely has an illness that is fatal by 10 yrs, we're just nervously waiting on blood results to confirm what the brain scans showed. 

I don't know how much more I can take.

I don't really know how or if anyone could help but I just wanted to get this out. 

Thanks for reading all of that if you did. 

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