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Everly

Loss of a parent - daily thread

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Hi memyselfi,
I hear ya. I have been through my list of friends phone numbers over and over again and there is no one out there to talk to about this loss. It's a lone journey.
I hear ya about your high-maintenance friend. Friends are all busy living their own lives. Some don't know what to say to comfort us, others don't even care, they are just in it for the good times.
I hear ya about not wanting to get out of bed. I feel like it's ground hog day. Everyday I get up and I work but I'm only working because there is nothing else to do that I want to do. I don't know what I'm working for, just working to kill time.
I went to bed early on New Year's Eve deliberately. I used to stay up til midnight watching the fireworks with my mom. But mom is gone now so I want to bed early to forget.
All these things I used to do with mom that I no longer want to do because she is not here to do it with.
Sometimes I get anxiety attacks, fear that I have to live for another 30 or whatever years. It's torture.
Then there are days when I forget and it's OK again but the OK days are temporary. I sooooo miss my parents.
We were lucky to have parents. I am grateful for the decades I had them.
I'm sorry for your loss.

 

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Dear Tessa,

I so hear you.  I feel the same.  Sometimes I feel like I am waiting for meaning to fall from the sky and hit me!  Feeling alone is anxiety producing.  I just hope it gets better over time.  I don't think though if you have had a close relationship with your mother who has been there all your life, that when they go,  we can just get on with life.  I wish it worked like that.  I think we have to have a fake life until we start feeling life again.  I might be wrong?  I know nothing.

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Well said Sadandlost. I am 65 and after the loss of my mother last year I am totally alone. I agree with everything you said. And agree with what everyone has said. Parents are special. There’s no way to describe losing them. Hard to understand. I am feeling better these days and starting to look forward to the future a bit. But I think of my mother each and every day. All day long. Hang in there, brighter days are coming. 

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Dear Bloom, I don’t think everyone goes through this level of despair.  I think if you had a special or very close relationship with your parent, it’s a brutal loss.  I have a friend who lost her mother almost 3 yrs ago.  They had a difficult relationship and it didn’t affect her so much when her mom died suddenly.  She recovered quickly.  Those of us that were blessed with a good relationship with their mothers find it the hardest.

Thank you for your reply.  I hope for better days in the future and I wish you the same.  Take care.

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memyselfandi .... I am so sorry for your loss.  I can't tell you how much your story is so similar to mine.  I too lost my mom first and then 11 months later my dad.  He didn't even have to tell me that he didn't want to be here anymore after my mom passed on.  He lost his zest for life, yet he carried on and I think it was for myself and my 2 siblings.  He started to need more help with things after mom passed on and I was the one who took him to appointments, for tests, etc.  The set up was great here because several years ago my parents had to downsize and sell their house so they moved into my house which is a duplex.  It was wonderful having them here so close for those years.  It also made it easier to help them out with the things they needed help with.  

Like you, I was given a huge gift in being there with my dad when he took his last breath.  I sat with him for 24 hours prior to that and also told him that it was time for him to go and be with my mom.  I let him know what a great dad, husband, grandfather, great grandfather, brother, uncle, friend he was to many.  I prayed over him and asked GOD to not let him suffer any more, but he hung on for a few more hours.  Then I told him that my sister, brother and I would be OK.  It was shortly after that when he took his last breath.  I truly believe that he needed to hear that before leaving us.  He needed to know that the 3 of us would stick together and remain the close family that he molded over these years.  

It's been 4 years since losing mom and 3 years since losing dad and I'll tell you that now and then I still shed a few tears in missing them both.  It is very normal to feel extremely sad after such a loss and although it lifts over time, it is a tough thing to go through.  I've often said that heavy sadness is the price we pay for love and I wouldn't trade those years of love for anything.  

God bless you and remember that the feelings you are going through are very normal and you've been given a big gift in being there with your dad until he was taken "home."  GOD is good.

Cindy Jane

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Well-it has been almost 14 months since my Dad passed and tonight was one of those reminiscent nights of silent tears...but it is so cold here in NH that the tears felt so warm rolling down my cheeks, I just thought and smiled to myself-those are just warm little hugs on my cheeks from my Dad...like kisses from him when I was a baby.

I thought I would share that with all of you.

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Dear Swoopie,

Thank you for sharing with us this moment.  It is beautiful way to honor your beloved dad.

Hard to believe its really 2018 and we all just made it through the first week.

Thinking of you all.

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Today is a really difficult day.  I keep finding myself going off to cry in the bathroom alone so no one knows.  It's been a month since I lost my Dad and the past few weeks I was thinking I was doing really well because I could go days without crying about missing him.  But today I feel hollow inside.  The void he's left in my heart is massive. All I want to do is curl up I. A dark room alone and wait for this to pass. To hurt less. To feel less alone. I feel so alone. And can't stop crying. 

 

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Dear DisneyDad

And everyone who has lost a loved one, so sorry for your loss. I have lost everyone in my family. So I know the pain. It does lessen with time. Some days it feels ok, others it feels soooo bad. It comes and goes on its own. There's nothing we can do but talk and express our grief and sadness. That is what helps. I hope you have someone to talk to. Everyday I wake up missing my parents, and wishing it were different, but it's not. But I am feeling better as time has passed. And you will too. 

Feeling your pain and hope we all heal and feel better.

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Dear DisneyDad,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm very sorry for your loss. Losing a beloved dad is one of the hardest things in the world. All your thoughts and feelings are natural and normal. Grief hits us all really hard. Try to lean on trusted friends and family during this difficult time. Please know we are all here to listen and support each other.

Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.

Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

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Hey all,

Do any of you have tips for sleepijng? Night are always so hard because I cant distract my brain.   Growing up,  I always had to hide my emotions.  There was a lot of traumas amd it was how I coped, once  again,  i am finding myself hiding my emotions.  I want to cry,  i want to let it out but i don't know how to.  I feel numb and scared.   So much anxiety and fear that i will break down in front of my kids.   I think i need to find a therapist.   I really need to find a way to face my emotions. 

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Dear NMRNO,

Sleeping is so hard when going through grief.  My suggestion would try to have a routine. Try to do some meditating or breathing exercises. I try to make sure my room is dark and there are no electronics. Some people find having a noise machine that makes sound waves helpful. Another option is to talk to your doctor. I know for some the only way to sleep is to take a mild sleeping pill.

It is hard to let out the emotions. If you can try and find a grief counsellor to speak with or join a support group. Or keep writing here and let us know how are you doing.

Thinking of you.

 

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I don't know if this is the right place to put my first post. I lost my mother less than 24 hours ago. Ah the tears are starting again as I type that. I have been mostly feeling numb. She died in her sleep by all accounts peacefully but I found her body in the morning and had to do futile chest compressions while waiting for the paramedics. I knew she had left us already. You see, I would never have thought I would use expressions like 'left us' or 'lost my mother'. I normally talk about death like "he died", "his mother died" but now I am in the grip of grief I need to soften my language because it's all still so raw.

As I said I mostly feel numb right now but every time I talk to a family member or friend the tears come up but no big floods yet. I think my body and mind are putting off grieving because I feel so stressed about my own health. I feel so stressed out with physical symptoms and worry that I will have a heart attack or stroke myself. I feel as if once I realise I'm not actually going to die of shock, then and only then can I start to grieve.

By the way I'm a 48 year old man, unemployed, no friends locally, only online friends. I lived alone with my mother for years and we were each other's company, our whole worlds. I have some disabilities and don't go out much. I actually can't go out when it's slippery like it is right now (UK) as I have brittle bones and if I fall over I can much more easily than a normal person break my leg. I am going to have to rely on internet shopping for a while I think. I can't actually summon up the mental competence to figure it out right now though. So many things my mother took care of that I now have to do myself. I hope I make her proud (the tears coming again) as I learn to take care of myself instead of relying on her.

I'm really sorry I didn't realize this was going to be so long, and it's only the start. Please feel free to move it somewhere else if it would be better there.

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Dear Pango  I’m so very sorry for your loss. You’re at the right place. I’m in the same situation as you. I’m  65  year old male and my mother passed a year ago after a bitter 2 months long struggle. I have no family to help me, very few friends, I’m retired so I have no work friends either. So I know how you feel. I know the pain. We all know the pain you are feeling. And we know how difficult and sad it is. I found an online therapy service that helped me very much. You might try that too. And maybe your town has services that can help you. You must take good care of yourself. Maybe talk to your doctor. The tears have to flow and everything you feel now and in the future is a normal part of grieving. Keep posting here as it will help you to express your feelings. And please know we all care about you. And as time passes you will find yourself feeling better. Looking forward to hearing from you soon. Keep posting.

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Thank you, bloom. This is proving very difficult for me in particular because her death was sudden and unexpected. Out of the blue- total shock. My sister came round today and is going to be helping me out until Tuesday but very soon I'm going to be all alone again and unable to leave the house.

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Pango, good your sister is helping. I can’t imagine the shock of it all. It is terrible. Did your mom have friends? If so maybe they can help a bit. And what about a church if any? The important thing is to get help, someone to talk to that understands. A therapist, clergy perhaps. It’s very important to take care of yourself both emotionally and physically. At least that’s what I learned. I also posted on agingcare dot com and found very good support there. This might sound silly but a good nights sleep really helps to keep your mind better balanced. Just keep posting and let the grief out. Grief just happens on its own. It can’t be controlled. And it’s all normal. I used to go in my car and sob and scream. Then I would feel better. And I experienced better days as time passed. Let us know how you’re doing and feeling. Looking forward to hearing more from you.

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I have lost my father nearly 18 years back & my very very very very very loving mother aged 74 last month . Now i am adult organ . I loved my mother very very very much & am unable to adjust to this loss . She was almost everything for me . She was the Axis on which my entire life used to rotate . I am 43 . She had no major health issues . Only a slight cold & died on the same day of Hospitalization. I admitted her in a Government Hospital but now I deeply regret that Had I admitted her in a big Private Hospital she might have been saved . I will carry this guilt thru out my life . One good thing that my Mother Probably suffered very very less & she had a practically painless death. She was active & without any major problems even one day before.

Also from the next day after her death I am reading all posts from grieving.com & you feel strength that you are not alone with such type of loss . This website / blog has helped me a lot to grieve & come in terms with life ... ...Thanks a lot to the creator of this website & all other who post....

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Dear Neer so sorry for your loss. Many times I thought if I had only put my mom in a different hospital she would still be alive. Perhaps but doubtful. When the body is sick sometimes there is nothing that can be done. Sometimes no doctor can help. There is no way we can know. Please don’t be hard on yourself. When these things are happening there is no way to know the future and we can only do the best we can do at the moment it happens. Again so sorry for your loss.

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3 minutes ago, bloom said:

Dear Neer so sorry for your loss. Many times I thought if I had only put my mom in a different hospital she would still be alive. Perhaps but doubtful. When the body is sick sometimes there is nothing that can be done. Sometimes no doctor can help. There is no way we can know. Please don’t be hard on yourself. When these things are happening there is no way to know the future and we can only do the best we can do at the moment it happens. Again so sorry for your loss.

Thank you Mr. Bloom for your reply . You are much senior in age to me . I also regret that My mother went from this world very soon Age only 73-74 & very Hale ,hearty , active lady . Many mother's die 90+ age . Why did God take my mother relatively so early from me...

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It is so hard to lose a loved one. I don’t know why God takes us at different times. But I believe the soul lives on. Your mother is still with you I believe. Please realize that everything you are feeling is a normal part of grieving. Keep posting here as we are all experiencing the same things. And we care about you. 

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