Everly

Loss of a parent - daily thread

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Hi, I thought it might be nice to have a thread that is pinned to top of the Loss of Parent forum where we can chat daily and share things daily without having to start a new thread every time.  There is a post at the top of the Loss of Adult Child forum and it works well for them, they chat daily to each other and it's a good way to write and share your feeling daily where everything is in one thread where everyone can read and reply in once place.  

 

What do you think?  The moderator will pin this to the top if we think it's a good idea.

 

Thoughts?

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I think it's a good idea. I love how very well the loss of a child group works. They're fantastic!!! They help each other out regularly & chat every day. I very often read their posts because their pain is immense & they often have great insight. They talk about all sorts of things, good & bad. They're friends. I wish this was the case among us orphans!!!! Thanks a lot Retz

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Retz, this is a superb idea: sometimes we just want to share a few daily thoughts and don't have the energy to write up a long post. I'm on board:)

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This is a pretty good idea.

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So today I've got the in-laws coming for lunch.. Its the first time I've seen then since my mummy passed away in April. I'm not looking forward to it, there will no doubt be lots of questions, she is way over opinionated, plus in all honesty I'm angry she didn't die instead of my mum..

Sick thing to think, she has never done me no harm, but I just feel hard done by today...

I'll have a wine and think happy thoughts of my mum to get me through today.

Hope you're all coping and getting by.

X

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great, thanks everyone for your replies.. I've asked the moderator to pin this thread to the top. We can all support and be there for each other on a daily basis.  Hugs to everyone today... we all know the pain of losing our parent or parents.. and together we  can get through this!!!  

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My mom was 86 when she died of a massive stroke. I was the main caretaker for my mom. On Feb. 23, 2015, after lunch, mom needed to use the restroom. Mom is wheelchair bound, so I took her. I left her and came back to check on her a couple minutes. She wasn't done yet because she had a bowl movement which normally takes awhile. When I went back to check on her, she had the stroke. Her left side affected with her left arm clutched, leaning to her left, face drooped and speech slurred. She was semi-conscious. I was panicked/cried. I knew the symptoms because I had a bleeding stroke that left my right side weak. I'm handicapped with one good hand.

 

She was transported to Methodist Hospital where had two clots. They did a procedure called TPA which is a bleeding drug and it works just like Draino. During the procedure, it was unfortunate that she bled and 80% of her right brain was affected. She will never recover from this. There were only a few times where she opened her eyes, answered us and went right back to sleep. 

 

On March 4, she moved to Hospice. It just hurts me so much to see her without water. The only water she can have is when I swab her mouth. When I do that she tends to suck on it because she's thirsty. I cried when I see her like this. The nurse says she can have water, but, only drops at a time. 

 

On March 13, my sister and I made a few errands and went back to Hospice to relieve my niece/nephew. My mom was awake. During this whole ordeal, mom opens her eyes for a few minutes and goes back to sleep. I get every chance to be with her when she's awake. Two night ago, she was up for almost an hour. We always had a laptop set up for her and put on her favorite Cantonese Chinese Opera. Well, back on that day, when mom was awake for 10-15 minutes, I asked mom if she's comfortable, and of course mom was not able to speak but by squeezing my hand in response. Then, it occurred to me that she needed to be re-positioned to the other side. That didn't help. She didn't rest like she normally would. So, I put her on the back and she was still up. It's been two hours since she's been up. I had a gut feeling something is not right. So, I called the rest of the siblings to come here asap. We had the grandchildren, great grandchildren and in-laws in the room there. 

 

At about 8pm, she took a 1/2 a dose of morphine because her breathing was getting heavy. Her breathing continue to be heavy even after awhile. She was sweating and I thought that was the morphine. Sweating is one of the signs of near death. After a couple of hours, her breathing slowed down. It got slower and slower to pausing for a few seconds. I knew at that moment that I will not see my mom again. Mom was looking or starring around the room as if she is looking at someone that we can't see. We believe that she was looking at the person(s) that were there to guide her to the other side. She took three gasps and then at 10:29 pm her heart stopped. She passed away with her family surrounding her. 

 

She was a very strong woman. She died the same day when she came to the U.S. She went through a lot of hardship to raise us six children by herself. She was also mentally and physically abused by my evil father. I don't need to know such person. He died when I was a baby. Things will never be the same without mom. I love her so very much. Even though it was challenging for me, I would do it all over again. I LOVE YOU MOM.

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MayNW - my heart goes out to you, I lost my dear 80yo Mom the same way.  She was in the hospital for blood treatment, and had a massive stroke 30min after I left the hospital.  My heart breaks when I replay how the nurses told me she called them in because she felt dizzy.  within 15min, that had her in the neurological ICU and had called all her children.  within 2hrs she was asleep, in a coma, to never talk to us again.  I am 52yo and this has kicked my ass.  I loved her with all my heart.  She was everything to me and I am very lost as well without her. 

 

So I completely know how you feel.

 

What makes me mad is that my Mom was fine 8mo prior to this... but she started some new treatment for her hepatitis that was highly recommend by her doctor and she got immediately sick after starting the medicine.  ... but because my Mom was not a quitter and she believed in her doctor, she finished the treatment and we think this is what caused her health to decline, and she just never bounced back.

 

My Mom was on hospice too for 7 days.  She also sucked on the sponge, but I just think that was a reflex, cause my Mom was completely unconscious I do not think she was aware.  It was told to us she was not conscious and would never come back.  She opened her eyes 2x in that 7 days, but really didn't focus and it did not appear she was aware of her surroundings.  The doctors told us she was brain dead, and this is extremely hard for me to write :(

 

It is so very hard to watch our Mama's pass away, so very difficult.  I know the pain you feel and the sorrow in your heart, I feel the same way everyday.  I hope knowing you are not alone gives you some comfort.  Hugs.

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retz62, I also feel very guilty because these past three years I don't have a sense of time. When I went back to check on my mom 10 min later, I wasn't too sure was it 10 min. It could have been 15, 20 or 30 min. I just remember about mom and I jumped to check on her. I was very tired, working with one hand, hardly any sleep at all because mom wouldn't at night. It's just me and the coffee to stay awake. If I had been with her the whole time, I could have called 911 at the moment. 

 

It bothers me so much that she was left unattended when she had the stroke. I forever will feel guilty for leaving her. I cry every day and now. 

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You can't do that to yourself, one thing I learned right after my Mom passed was a great saying it goes like this "we can't play God".  I know you must feel terrible, but honestly if her stroke was that bad, I doubt with in the minutes she was there alone, much more could have been done.  Look at my Mom, she was in a hospital, help was available immediately, she was in the ICU immediately, and the result was the same.

 

We don't know the reasons it happened the way it did, it just was.  I have so many what if's too... what if I only stayed over at the hospital that night, instead of the night before, I could have saved her.  What if I quit my job and was more aggressive with the doctors and we weren't so passive with the treatment that she took prior to getting sick.  Why didn't I move her to a better hospital and demand for answers.  The what if's won't stop if you don't let them.  Our Mom's were old... their bodies were tired, their bodies weren't in the best shape... it doesn't take much for an elder person to have such catastrophic result from these things, cause their bodies can't take too much.

 

Please don't blame yourself, your Mom would not want that.  She was 85yo.  I know that doesn't help, and when people say that to me it doesn't help either, but you have to look at the facts, that your Mom's body was old... it was tired... and the stroke was just too much for her body, my Mom too.  We could have put a feeding tube in my Mom, and moved her to a rehab, we chose no.  The doctors said she would never wake up... and if even she did, it would be minimal and she was paralyzed on the right side and she would not want to live like that.  I know how hard this is, it is very difficult for me too.  I cry for her every day and some days I scream... but then some days I want to be strong, because she made me that way.  I allow myself to grieve, I allow myself to miss her, but then on some days, I know she wants me to smile, even just for a little while. 

 

Please do not blame yourself... you aren't God.  You did the best you could, with the resources you have.  It only takes 3minutes for the brain to die without oxygen... 3minutes... that's not a lot of time. I know it's difficult.  ... but you must not blame yourself, your Mom would not want that for you.  Hugs.

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Yes it's a good idea :)

I lost my mum 2 months ago from a heart attack very sudden and such a shock when it happened I just couldnt breathe or live but just lately I am looking back to how I was and realising I am better I can go to shops now listen to songs without crying and make it a whole day without crying I still have days where I can spend a whole day in bed but it is getting better it does get easier it's only been 2 months so I'm still not great but the small improvements have given me hope one day I will be able to live again :)

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Woke up feeling very sad today, I miss my mum so much. Being an orphan is so depressing, I wasn't as close to my dad, he died 3 years ago but was very close to mum, she passed away in April this year.

I wish I could be with her now...

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Me too sad&lonely sometimes you wanna live in dream world with them because that's where they live now I miss her so dearly and not a day goes by when I don't think about her

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In reading through this thread my heart goes out to each of you for the loss of your parent(s).  I may not know a lot in this life but I do know that the loss of a parent is devastating.  First I lost my mom, then 11 months later my dad.  I went from having both parents to having no parents in less than a year.  

 

The only thing that gets me through both of these heavy losses is that when the sadness falls upon me, I switch my mind to "grateful mode."  The tears would still come but the sadness was more bearable when I was able to focus on the so many good things about my parents and having them in my life.  I found that I was thanking the God about 30 times a day for blessing me in having such a wonderful mom and dad.  I thanked Him for the years that I did have with them ... for all that they taught me ... for the unconditional love they had for my siblings and I ... for teaching us good values and morals ... for being supportive throughout my entire life ... the blessings are endless!

 

Now today, 8 months later I still think of my parents throughout each day and I still miss them like crazy but in being grateful I have times when feel warm inside when I think of them rather than feeling torn.  It is true what many people say that with time it does get better and we really have to think about what our parents would want for us after they've left us.  I know that my parents would want me to be the best person I can be and live a happy life, so in honour of them I try to do that.  I believe that one day we will all be reunited with those who went before us.  God is good.

 

take care

Cindy Jane

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Lillypad... I am only 6mo ahead of you, and it's hard.  2mo is still so new, and so is 8mo.  I will go a day now and not cry and then other days I'm bawling from the time I get up... I just accept this is how it's going to be.  I miss my Mom so much.  I get so mad at how her stroke came at her out of the blue, no warning nothing.  I feel like she was cheated and tricked.  I tell her I'm sorry daily and that I'm so mad at how her life ended so quickly.  I hate the thought of living the rest of my life without her :(

 

Then on other days I hear her voice saying "Karyn Anne.. pick up those boot straps and carry on.  Your Mom lived a good life and so must you.  Go have a pizza on me and ride your bike and smell the flowers... for your Mommy".  These things go through my head as well and they make me smile.  She was such a great Mom and never wanted any of her kids to be sad... so on some days I try not to be sad for her.

 

It's so hard... this daily grief.  I'm glad we have this pinned post, I'm kind of liking it so we can share daily.

 

Hugs to you all you... I know we are all hurting the same missing our parent(s).

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Retz, what you've said is so true. Our emotions and grief can change on a daily basis....and so much of it can depend on what we're going through. There are days when I tell myself that Mom would not want me to spend so much time thinking about her....and think more about my work. But what can I do when I'm feeling so down and even the work I'm doing raises memories of her?

 

The other day I was rereading some Rousseau which I read last year around this time and I felt so socked with memories. It hurt so badly that I wound up browsing on LinkedIn thinking of joining another debate but then wavered....I knew if I got into another argument, I would be doing that nearly all day. Not good. By then, I had wasted some 30 minutes!

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I lost my mom suddenly to pneumonia on May 8, 2015, and my father died June 12, 1992. I feel like I will never be complete again as a huge part of me was violently removed. I am having an extremely difficult time dealing with the loss of my mom. When my dad died, I still had my anchor, my mom. This is the first loss I have had to deal with without my mom, and I can assure you I definitely still need my mom!!!

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Debbie, i'm still hurting too. My mom passed away on 3/13/15 from a massive stroke. I cry just about everyday. I, too, still need my mom. She was 86. Her birthday will be 6/19. I wish she lived forever. I have mixed emotions --- angry, depressed, empty, alone. There are 6 siblings and i'm the only one taking it hard. I was her main caregiver. Even though I, myself, had a major stroke and handicapped I took care of her till the end. 

 

We are all grieving. Just keep on writing. We're here to listen and support you.

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Our feelings can sure be complicated, delicate, confusing and a lot to deal with when we lose a parent(s).  I lost my mom on Oct. 6th 2013 and my dad 8 months ago.  They lived in the upper half of my house and I lived in the lower half.  When this living arrangement began about 10 years ago it was wonderful having them so close and that way I could easily help with the little things they needed help with.  After awhile, they both started having health problems and needed more help as time went on.  These living arrangements were still the best that I could ask for because I was able to spend so much time with both of them and still help them out as their needs became more.

Being that 8 months have passed since the upper half of the house has been empty I have begun the process of slowly moving upstairs and I will rent out the basement suite.  I have some mixed feelings about this, but for the most part I look forward to being where my parents lived for the past decade.  There are so many good memories and any time I go upstairs to move some of my belongings up there, I get warm feelings.  Although they are warm feelings they are hard because they remind me of what I don't have any more.  I really am ready for this but I know that I have to be in tune with whatever I am feeling, and just go with the feelings.  If the flood gates open now and then due to memories, then I will let the tears flow.  If I get sad in missing them, then I will allow myself that sadness.  It only makes sense that I will feel sad in missing them.  For the most part so far the feelings have been tough but warm.  That's the only way I can describe it.

 

So as I go through this process, I will always know how blessed I've been in having them for parents.  

 

Take care everyone and just go with your feelings.....and see the blessings.

 

Cindy Jane

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my husband passed 3 years ago at home in my arms from cancer.  i have since met and married a wonderful man, but i can't seem to let go of bobby.  he is always in my thoughts, i talk to him all the time.  my new hubby understands, but i feel i need to move on and just can't.  i miss him and cry for him every day.  i love my new hubby and i want a life with him.  i don't know what to do.  i don't want to lose nick, he has brought the life and love back to me.  how do i say goodbye?

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Hi Retz62, I am sorry you are having a tough day.  I am sorry to all who are going through difficult times.  

 

On a brighter note that is so nice that your mom's stone is in place.  There will come a day when you will enjoy going to the cemetery to see it, when you aren't feeling so tapped out.  I hear you about when your mom left, a part of you left too.  Life just isn't the same and I don't suppose it ever will be.  Of course not, we are missing the most important people in our lives.  I have to remind myself a zillion times a day to think about the blessings.  When I am able to do that a little brightness comes to me.  

 

I feel bad for your sibling in being anxious to sell your mom's house.  There may come a day when he realises what life is really all about and it isn't the material things.  We all come to that in our own time I guess.  The important thing is that you keep on looking after YOU!  Thanks Retz62 for getting this thread set up for us.  I like keeping in touch often and getting to know others here.  We all have our pain but we will all get through it....one day at a time and one moment at a time.

 

Cindy Jane

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