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being lost is not an easy thing after losing a child

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Hello everyone on December 3,2010 I lost my best friend. He was the most amazing little boy any mother could ask for. He was taken from by a man he loved and trusted the man who he looked up to and wanted to be like his stepdad. I was at work that day last thing I did was kiss his head that morning cause he was sleeping and went to work like every other day. I got to work about 730 that morning got the store opened and then called him my husband said that my son was eating and that he would have him call me back. At about 9 am I got a phone call from my father in law at the time that my son had stopped breathing that they had called 911 and he was on route to the hospital. I immediately dropped I had no way to the hospital because I had been dropped off that morning. There was a customer there she grabbed me and said I'll take you honey. On the way to the hospital this stranger prayed with me the whole time. When I got there my so hadn't made it there I was a mess. After a few mins they arrived and took him to the back. At that time my family had started showing up we lived in a small town so I had family that worked at the hospital two hours later they came out and said they had done all they could but that my baby couldn't be saved. At that time I had no clue of anything my husband had said my little boy was jumping on the bed fell off and hit his head. It was later that evening when they took me back to see my son before the ME took him I found out my son had been murdered and his step dad had been pit out of the hospital cause he was suspected to have done it. I was destroyed I gave up the min. They told me he had passed. A few days later my husband at the time admitted that my 3 year old who weight 30 pounds was being mean he couldn't handle it so he hit him. He said wheny little boy started to scream that he was hurt that he sat on his chest and pressed till he started tapping telling him he couldn't breath. My husband at the time went on yo say he just pressed harder. For 4 years I have fought to stay sane because I have 4 other children. My days are filled with worries questions stress anger, and I can't seem to grasp the fact that I will never see him again it doesn't seem real. I have PTSD which is a job in its self to deal with on a day to day bases. I can call he to check on my other childern if there's no answer I panic thinking the worset. If I'm almost home and an ambulance or fire truck passes me going towards my house things start running throughy head. I live a life like its happening over and over. I done therapy I have tried to cope. Is it possible to have a life after the death of a young child? Will my fears ease at all? These are all questions I ask everyday.

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I am so sorry for the loss of your little boy I'm only 4 months in to my or deal and it feels like a life time you must be so breave to have got this far I to have another child to take care of and you seem to be coping a lot better than me xxxx

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