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Crazy father


silverkitties

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silverkitties

Hi all,

 

I need help: my mom passed away back in October, so I am now trying to take care of my elderly father. (I've posted in the grief over a parent so you can look there for further details if necessary.)

 

He has never been a good father or husband. I hate him more than words can express--and even more so since the death of my mother as I believe that he was largely responsible for it, albeit indirectly. He has been a major cause of stress on her part over much of their life as he cheated on her for 20+ years and continued to do so even after she nursed him after his heart attack.

 

To make a long story short, he has not only been thoroughly uncooperative but ungrateful and rude. I would like to run away with my cats and settle elsewhere since I honestly do not really care what happens any more. 2 weeks ago, I told him not to use his treadmill as we had been out for 5 hours and he was exhausted. But he did anyway, and collapsed: even though there were no serious injuries, he still had to stay in the hospital for a few days so they could determine what happened. It turned out to be dehydration. I did say to him, "See what I told you? Why is it that you refuse to listen to anything I tell you?" He promised he would never do it again.

 

How quickly we forget. Today, right before dinner, I told him not to use the treadmill as I was watching TV--just walk up and down the driveway (as it's fairly long)--NO FURTHER. 40 minutes pass and I think to myself, this is odd--he is nowhere in sight. I was panicking as it was getting dark too: so I walked to the nearby high school where he used to walk and found him. He said he was on his way back. So I walked back alone and another 20 minutes passed--but he was still not in sight. When I walked out in the direction of the highschool, I saw him trying to hitch a ride! He said he was close to collapsing. Anyway, we were fortunate as a man and his son on a walk happened to see us and helped us. 

 

Needless to say, I was livid when we got home.  Any proper person would have apologized and kept quiet. But he had the gall to say to me "why can't you be more ladylike?"  I lost it and threw a lot of books at the wall behind him (taking care to miss him).

 

Since my father has NEVER cared about either me or my mom, I feel doubly cheated: cheated out of my childhood--and having to care for him now (why doesn't he get his c***mistress to take care of HIM?).  He doesn't deserve this from me at all. The fact that he has absolutely no care, no consideration, and no gratitude for me compounds by hatred for him. 

 

What should I do? I have plenty on my hands. Must complete my book manuscript by June to hand in to my publisher, find a new full time job (very stressful as I am over 50 and do not look like a model; sucks to be female, minority, 5'5 and nearly 140 in this job market!), and an article. My father is not letting me do any of this. He keeps strange hours and pees everywhere. I cannot catch up with cleaning because he's always messing something up. It's like I have all the disadvantages of a wife and none of the advantages. I can't afford to move right now, but I don't know how much longer I can take this. I am already up to there--dealing with family finances and my own work, as well as my depression over mom. The latter is exacerbated by knowing I have no one. Seriously, if there were a God, MY LYING, CHEATING FATHER WOULD BE THE FIRST TO GO, NOT MY MOTHER! I am ready to burst as I am writing this.

 

But I did tell him this. "Next time this happens, don't expect me to look for you. Because I'll be happier when you die. Remember when you 'forgot' to write Mom's obituary? Well, I'm not going to write one for you. And if I do, I will spill all the beans about you. How you were a second-rate scholar and professor whose students could never get hired. How you cheated on Mom. The reason why you can't sleep is because you're probably guilty: you know you killed Mom. You deserve hell. I hope you never sleep until you die."

 

Harsh? Yes. But I have no regrets saying it. He killed my mom and I bet he's trying to kill me too so he can leave property to his mistress a-BROAD and whatever spawn they may have hatched together. 

 

Any advice? How do I keep myself sane while this asshole is still alive? How do I prevent myself from committing suicide? What if I end up like this when I am his age? Thanking everyone in advance.  

 

*Wanted to add this. Someone saw him walking and asked a mutual friend who called me later, "why is he walking by himself? It's dangerous for someone with his walking difficulties and partial deafness." It makes ME look irresponsible!

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silverkitties

Mhibs, thanks for responding--I had not checked this thread for so long and happened to see it when I was scrolling down the page.

 

It really looks like you had hell with your biological father. It's stuff like that which sometimes makes me less unhappy that I never married. There are times when I wonder what happens if I marry someone who looks great, then turns out to be abusive? Am I going to spend my whole life miserable?

 

It's good, tho, that your mom did find someone to love, and that in turn you loved him as well. Parenting should not be about biology.  I'm not always a fan of Obama but I agreed with him 100% when he said that a being father is not just about helping give birth to a child. It's caring for them as well. So true. Parenting should be about loving and protecting one's children. It should be about giving moral support and encouraging them. Helping them become a better human being. Helping them reach their highest potential in anything they pursue.  It should not be about turning the child into someone you think will conform arbitrarily to your vision of greatness. 

 

I hope you find peace. But do consider yourself blessed with a father's love.

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