Specialk_ab2012

I'm lost without my brother.

12 posts in this topic

I grew up in a family that wasn't rich in money, by rich in love. Don't get me wrong, none of us were hurting for anything, but we definitely didn't have the upper hand in life. Although my brother and I didn't always have the newest toys or the most popular clothes, my parents gave us one of the greatest gifts of all, the ability to love and be loved. Not a day went by that my family of 4, didn't exchange a million "I love you's." And not a single one of those were out of habit, but instead they were said because we meant it with all of our hearts. Our family is a close knit family, it's actually one of the closet that I know. And although I moved out at 18 (now 20) and moved an hour and a half away, I still visited home several times a week. My brother was my best friend, my enemy, my pain in the but, my right hand, my partner in crime, my twin, my annoying little brother, the half that makes me whole... He was everything to me. But on January 5, 2015, everything changed. I was working night shifts at the time and I was sitting in the parking lot of work when I got the call... I can still remember everything about that call. At 10:46pm, 16 weeks and 1 day ago, my mom called me and told me that my brother had been in a car accident and he "didn't make it." I was so shocked and upset and angry and confused. I couldn't believe the words that were coming through the phone, I didn't wanna believe them. My brother is my best friend, he makes our family whole, and the fact of losing my 17 year old brother and my only sibling, hurts beyond measure. I've joined this site and am writing this story, mainly to rant and let things out. I just don't know where to go from here. Everything that I thought I wanted in life, suddenly doesn't even matter. Everything in my future that was suppose to be the happiest days of my life, will now be followed with grief, because I won't have my best friend there with me enjoying the journey. I understand that he's watching over me and he's always "with me," but it's nowhere near the same as being able to touch, talk, and see him. The thought of living out the rest of my life without him, brings an indescribable ache to my chest. My brother was one of the most incredible people that I have ever met. He never left a room without making his presence known and he surely never left a frown upside down. He has the most infectious personality that I've ever came across and his outlook on life was truly amazing. My brother touched the lives of more people at the young age of 17, than some ever will in an entire life time. And as amazing as he was, his life was still cut short. Reports indicate that were no drugs in his system, no alcohol, not texting and driving, not talking on the phone, no swerve marks, no break marks... Nothing. Nothing to indicate that a happy go lucky, popular high school football player, son, brother, friend, boyfriend... deserved this alternative. To me, his death with never be justified. Situations like these don't happen to people you know, and they damn sure don't happen to YOUR family. Situations like these are stories that you here from a second hand source or stories that run across the news channel that make you thank God for your family and everything that you have. This wasn't suppose to happen to MY family, not to me, not to my brother... Never in a million years would I have guessed that I would be 20 years old and be forced to live out my forever without my little brother. I'm a firm believer that every loss is different. I know that there are others that may be experiencing a similar pain as I, but no one will ever truly understand my pain. No one could ever fully know my heartache, unless they could walk a mile in my shoes... And quite frankly that's impossible. You will never walk a mile in my shoes and I will never be able to walk a mile in yours. We may not understand each other's situations 100%, but I think that having the ability to share our stories and vent to one another may help heal some ache.

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I was sitting here crying as I often do. Looking to find anyone, anything that just might help the pain go away? Nothing makes it go away. I say all the time 'you don't get over it you get on with it'. If there were a choice I wouldn't. 

I saw your post and what stood out the most was that no one could possibly understand your pain. Not true. There are lots of commonalities. Sibling loss is horrible. Sudden, traumatic loss another link. I, too, had no goodbye. I got a call from the police. They said he fell? WHAT??? Can't be. Four days before Christmas??? No way!!! How am I gonna go on? 

This is my TWIN - my other half all my life!! My bestest friend all my life. Anything and everything happened he was the first to know. To go to the mall, the store, he was always right beside me? He was always the passenger in my car. I have been paralyzed by grief. It's ten months now and it might as well be ten minutes. He didn't pass as a teenager we were 60 and had that much more life together that we shared imbedded in us. I can't honestly find a reason to go on?

but go on I do because he would want that. Tears pouring down my face I put one foot in front of the other a day at a time dreading this next holiday season. I was in shock last year and numb as I made his plans and cleaned up his house.

it has NOT gotten easier at all actually harder as each new day reminds me he really isn't coming back and it's all not a bad dream. I learned in this experience what real heartache is. Deep love yields deep grief and I never loved anyone as much as him all our lives nor will I. He's truly my other half.

i am glad to have found this site. No one wants to hear anything about us. If I 'wasn't over it' in 30 days no one cared to listen. I have mourned all alone. 

I think you can post pix? Thank you for listening. (Sorry they're sideways lol!)

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Reading your post gave me some courage to open and share my grief. I lost my brother on 6 /11/2016 in a car accident. He was at the back seat with mom and dad. We had private security guards in front seat and driver was driving. Several cars hit each other on highway and my brother passed away on the spot. Nothing happened to anyone except for him. The LCD tv in the car hit his forehead and he was gone. He died bleeding in my mother's lap. I heave not slept since then. My younger little brother was everything I had . He was 26 . Just got engaged. I wish I could trade places with him as my parents loved him so much. He was only one they ever wanted. I try my level best and be strong and ask them not to cry . But nothing ever changes. I miss him so much that sometimes I feel that we all should have died in that crash. Life is meaningless without him. I feel devastated! I don't think I will be able to make it for long time. I am scared. I feel I will be alone one day. My bro is gone ,leaving his sister all by herself! It hurts so much and I can not see my parents like this. Our family is broken and dead. 

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Oh I am so so sorry!! To have lost him in such an unspeakably cruel and painful way for all of you!! And trust me I DO know your pain!! It is getting close to my year anniversary. I am going through my 'last time we did this, last time I heard his voice, last time etc.'. I knew from my reading it would worsen as I got closer. I, too, cry all the time. Today I cried all day. He was my twin so half of me vanished in an instant. You also were unable to say goodbye. Just the shock alone is crippling as you know. To have to watch your parents also? Oh dear Lord! And he was so young!!! 

I cannot tell you my sadness at hearing such news as I do feel your loss as well. There is a kinship amongst us that no one else can ever understand. You helped me immensely just reaching out to me. It does help with that horrible sense of loneliness. No one will ever understand the heartache. But we do. You have helped me a bit with mine. Thank you so much.

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Hi,

Am new to this forum and just didn't know what to do next. I lost my beloved precious brother in December 2014 suddenly age 44 from a cardiac arrest and it still hurts really bad. It seems like yesterday but it seems like an eternity since I last saw him. I can't stand it. I just want him back so badly. I can't talk to anyone as I should be over it and move on by now. How can I tell them that it's just starting to hit me? They have no clue. Only my family understands the pain but I can't put this on my mum or sister in law, they are all ready in a million pieces being held by very weak glue. People do not understand how painful and exhausting bereavement is. I am always putting their issues first and having to grieve on my own when I can. I just people would understand this is the hardest thing in the world. I still truly can't believe this has happened and yet I know? My mind exhausts me. 

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I lost my twin brother a year ago now. The intensity of the pain has let up a bit but that hole in my heart will never close. You know all about that too. I feel half of me left with him and I won't ever get it back nor do I expect to be the person that I was. Grief, traumatic grief in particular does such a job on us!!! I could barely function at all the first three or four months. Like a zombie I shuffled from place to place like I was in a coma? I hoped it would get better, the light would come on but it sure hasn't yet.

Thank you for taking the time to describe it for me. I know there are others out there experiencing loss at the level we are you just don't hear about it. I knew when it happened there was no 'snapping out of it' as people were preaching!!! I've wondered didn't THEY ever love anyone that deeply???

Sibling loss is the least studied and subsequently least understood. All I need to know is summed up by saying 'deep love deep grief'. I never loved anyone as much as my twin? To me the loss is just so insurmountable. I'm so sorry for yours as well. Thank you for sharing a bit of your pain with me.

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Thank you so much for replying. It's good to know you loved your sibling as deeply as I did. He was everything including my guide through life as we lost our dad when we were young. I would have done anything for him as he was the kindest most caring person I met. The only thing that consoles me was the fact he was in my life and I was so lucky to have such a bond and a deep unconditional love. No one really understands the pain. I went to the doctor and said I have physical ache in my chest as I miss my brother so badly and all I got was it may be side effects? These people are meant to be trained in the bereaved! I can't say that the pain gets better, you get used to it but at the same time it is testament to the great love and bond that we shared and will never be broken or even taken away with him going. I will love him for eternity, I just miss him so bad. Glad you understand.

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Look what just happened to Debbie Reynolds. It was heartache pure and simple that killed her! She could not bear to be separated from her daughter and those were her last words, then she died!!

when Ken first passed I had that horrible chest pain all the time too, right in the sternum? I have done a lot of reading about loss this size. I knew I would have problems as I loved no one more my whole life. The body doesn't lie. I had some panic attacks, short breathing and I knew all of it was loss. I read a lot about the physiological effects of loss and saw it there. Journals said it was very common. My own doctor pointed out that I had referred to him as my heart lifelong; the body remembered. There's no separation of body and mind. I'm 'wearing' my grief!! It will be a long time before I'm free of any of it.

so believe that pain you have is quite possibly heartache too. It's a very normal biological process. I know my heart is broken. Of that I have no doubt.

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Thank you, I am so glad I found this site. It really helps to communicate with people who understand and have loved so unconditionally. My friend lost her twin brother 20 years ago and the advice she gave me is thatonly people that you just learn to live with the pain, it will never be the same but in a way you don't want it to be as they are so special. I couldn't celebrate Christmas and new year properly, I was in so much anguish, but had to put on a brace face and be happy for my husband even though some days I was dying inside. I think they just want me to be who I was, happy and carefree. Now I'm not inside but try to be that person. I just don't have the energy all the time to do that. Sometimes I feel like I want to crawl in a cave and sleep forever. I'm so glad I found this forum, I can just get everything out. I just want to scream with all the pain.

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Yes I'm afraid my holidays were quite horrible!! Not one ounce of joy. You see he took that with him as HE was my joy. Always I knew I had someone who truly cared. And we had each other. My husband knew my love for him was different. I went through the motions but my heart wasn't in it.

saturdays are hard as I would travel to go shop for my brother and spend time with him. We would get something to eat and I would stay over, returning on Sunday. This was a ritual for a very long time. As such Saturdays are painfully hard and I find I still cry missing him so much.

it came to me the other day that I don't think I have had a good laugh since he passed? This is quite unusual for me....

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I just want to offer some free reading material that we provide to individuals in our community on how to cope with the death of our loved ones and teen depression . There is no cost or obligation involved .

Please accept my deepest condolences ...

https://www.jw.org/finder?pub=we&wtlocale=E&srcid=share

https://www.jw.org/finder?pub=g17&issue=201702&wtlocale=E&srcid=share

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