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lost my dad, having trouble focusing at work


tennisnyc

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Hi,

I am really glad I found this forum -- I have been lurking and finally am posting. While my condolences go out to everyone, I am also relieved to know I am not alone. I am 32 and lost my 65-year-old father in January after a 7-month battle with a rare cancer (sarcoma) -- it still came as a shock because his doctor really thought my dad was at least going to make it into remission, but the cancer spread to his lungs so aggressively that he was gone within weeks after his final treatment (surgery). He wasn't ready to go, but handled his last 2 weeks with extreme grace and courage, knowing that he was surrounded by family.

 

We just got through our first holiday without him, and it made me upset that I feel no one even really honored him at the Easter table. It was just as if we were all supposed to go on without him without acknowledging the huge void we probably all felt. I'm in a family where most of my siblings and my mom don't want to talk about what happened. I do talk about it with one of my sisters, but I am just feeling really alone.

Every time I feel I'm getting better, I just start crying unexpectedly. I'm afraid that I'm going to push my boyfriend away if he knows how depressed I am. I have a highly demanding job and I am wearing out all of my energy just to avoid crying at the workplace. I know that this post is a bit rambly, but I guess I feel the same as everyone else when I say that things that used to seem so important (work deadlines, etc) just don't matter to me anymore. That said, I know that I still need to keep my job to pay bills, etc -- obviously it's not realistic to just quit --  but how do people handle this?  I work at a top technology company where you're expected to always be on, always responding, always working 24/7, and I just feel I completely unmotivated for the first time in my life. I don't work in a division that is saving lives and nothing seems that important to me. I am used to being a Type A overachiever, but all I want to do now is curl up under my covers or hug my dad again, and I can't. What makes this more excruciating is that I am realizing even more now how much my dad was the one I would call when I needed work advice, and I can't call him.

I know everyone says this gets better, but I just feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I can tell I have signs of depression and I'm seeing a therapist, but I am still having a really hard time coping. Any advice is welcome.

Sorry this was so long :(

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lifeis2shortt

I'm so sorry for your loss I know that must be a hard thing I couldn't even imagine I just wanted to respond to you because I'm new here and being that I'm going thru a lost as well to.nothing compared to u but my soul is pain and I have the same problem at work I have a job where I have to smile greet ppl pretend I'm happy but I find myself rrandomly crying sumtimes I would say if it is a option take at least a couple days off or talk to your boss let them know what going on and see if you can get breaks in between your shift to take a breathe I know it's hard and unfortunately life doesn't stop when someone passes I also recently just started to pray a bit it kinda helps I never had relationship with God but I'm trying to find one whatever ur religion is or if you have just have faith and believe everything will better one day I hope you feel better and dnt forget u r loved

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So sorry for your loss - in time, things will get better; at least that's what people keep telling me.  I lost my mom 4 weeks ago today and I'm still unsure how I'm handling.  I can't focus at work - at home - or anything else that might need my full attention.  I miss my mom daily and sometimes wonder how I'll get back to normal. My life has certainly changed.  My suggestion would be to keep the memories alive and take your time grieving.  We are here for you.  I find it peace to read the posts of others - we get one another.  

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I am so sorry for your losses.

 

Thank you both so much for your advice. I am trying to take it one day at a time, and I feel praying will help too. I'm trying to be as kind to myself as possible during this time.

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Really sorry to hear that. My Mom is sick with Pancreatic Cancer, and I am having so much anxiety I feel like I am dying. I am so sorry about your depression. Try and remember all the good times, and I believe we will be reunited with our loved ones in eternity. That helps me. I hope that can help you. I will pray for you if you like.

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I am so sorry about your mom. She is so happy that you are there for her right now, I'm sure. Thank you so much for your note, all prayers are helpful.

 

As someone else told me -- we're in the club that no one wants to be in. I am feeling better after reading more on this board.

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silverkitties

Tennisnyc, you have my condolences--and my understanding. I know how difficult it is: I've been mourning my mom for over 6 months and still find it hard to get out of bed. (Although the cold temps in the northeast don't help much!) You do wonder, why bother to get up when so much of what I've loved is gone?

 

I am fortunate enough to work from home so can only imagine how difficult it is to have to go to work and keep a stiff upper lip, proverbially speaking. I can still remember the day I got back home and emailed my students to tell them that my mother had just died and that I would not respond to their posts for at least 2 days. They were very understanding: nearly all of them emailed their condolences within an hour or two.  (I actually wound up posting the next day.) During the preceding weeks I had debated if I should give a talk at another college while my mom was at the hospital and finally decided to have someone read it aloud for me 4 days after her passing.  I knew I would not be able to handle going to New York so soon--even though this meant I had to begin preparing the one-hour talk on the very afternoon she died. I am so thankful my cousin and aunt were able to come all the way from Illinois to keep company and help with chores. (They were on the way to see mom, but she died when they were still on the train.)

 

I had briefly contemplated cancelling the class altogether the moment she died, but didn't. In the end, I think the only thing that kept me going was that my mom had always encouraged me throughout my life. I knew I could only really honor her and keep her memory alive is by continuing work: after all, she made so many sacrifices over the deacdes  She wanted me to finish my textbook--just like she wanted me to give my talk as she told me only days earlier.  Not least, I was glad I kept the class going because it did take my mind off the grief; sometimes I even felt cheered by it. 

 

You mention that you're a Type A overachiever. I'm sure your parents were proud of you: and I'm sure your dad would want you to continue being so. Maybe if you think of it that way, you might be able to cope, even if it is still bound to be very challenging. Do you have any other close friends or relatives you can talk to--esp. those who know your dad--just to share some memories?   Or maybe talk to your sister again?

 

Sometimes trying new things can help take your mind off, even if temporarily. It doesn't have to be completely new and daring. I'm trying to explore music by composers I'm less familiar with. And also trying out some albums from popular artists, Maybe there's a new activity, sport, or art that might intrigue you for the time being? 

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i dont know

My Dad died of lung cancer 51 days after I found out he had it, but my mother and father probably knew for about 70. 

 He died 12 days ago, not even two weeks, and I have a difficulty time focusing in class. 

  He was 57, and I'm 14. 

   When people try to comfort me, they say "He knew you loved him" 

  and I can't help but thinking, "But I still do."

 I used to go to my dad for advice about anything and everything. I find myself trying to imagine what he would say.

 I don't have any advice for you, but I do sort of understand how you feel.

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