New Here, Lost Partner's Dad...How to help partner?

[butterflyblue71]

Hi all! Thank you so much for letting me join, and thanks in advance for any advice you might have.

Last fall my partner of 5 years and I started having trouble shortly after he thought his dad might be sick. In November we found out his dad probably had cancer but didn't have an official diagnosis or prognosis. More relationship problems. Then on 12/12 we got a diagnosis of stage 4 non small cell lung cancer. Between our problems and wanting to take care of his dad, partner moved out of our house and into his dad's. His dad went into the hospital for the first time on 12/13, was out for a couple of days around Christmas, and passed on 1/19.

Of course I have been devastated, but my partner is completely lost. He seems like a different person. He says he doesn't want to break up but won't move back in with me. I know I can't even imagine the loss he's suffered. I don't know what to do or how to support him. It feels like he's pushed almost all his friends away, and now it feels like he's pushing me away too. What do I do? How do you help someone who doesn't want it?

[ModKonnie]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

Actually we have had quite a few people have gone through this here. You help by just letting him know you are there for him. Keep an open communication line, and let him grieve as he needs to.

 

It's only been a few months. That's not a long time to grieve over someone as profoundly important as a father. He's probably just coming off the numbness and is in total chaos mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. 

 

Just let him know you will be here for him. 

 

Hope this helps, and we will be here for you. 

 

ModKonnie

[butterflyblue71]

Thank you, ModKonnie.

It's hard to be there for someone who just pushes you away. I'm just having trouble not being upset when he does things that feel like he doesn't want me around. For example, we had planned for years to go to Japan together and really looked forward to doing it as a couple. Today, he announced to mutual friends that he's going to book the trip. When I told him I want to come too, he initially said he wasn't going to wait for me. Later he said he might book things later so that I could go too, but we never reached a resolution. I understand he wants to escape from his pain and feels like travel will help, but...this is possibly a once-in-a-lifetime trip that we had planned together. I did tell him that I know he wants to get away for a bit and I want to support him in that and asked how I could help, but that it really hurt that he would take that particular trip without me. He said he didn't mean it that way, which I believe is true.

I just...don't know. Trying not to be selfish. But it feels like he's intentionally doing things to get rid of me. If I ask him about it, though, he says he doesn't want to lose me. I want to be there for him, but how?? I offer to help him go through his dad's things (since he complains that his siblings won't), offer to cook for him, when I'm over I make food and clean up (he's not eating well, falling asleep at odd times), try to get him out of the house. If I'm not there or don't just do it, he refuses any help though. What can I do? If anything? Is pushing people away like this normal?

Sorry for the book. Thank you in advance.