Dad Died - No sympathy for others - Calloused and Angry

[amdorsse]

Hello Everyone,

So basically, I am very angry. My dad passed away november, 2014; it went very quick, probably within a couple months he was gone.

Now i have to deal with that loss; fine, i will.

Now the reason for posting: What makes me so mad, is the simple idea that people mourn over death. I guess i could sum up my feelings by saying I feel very calloused when the topic of death or loss comes up. I am finding it hard to place any value on anything in my life other than those close to me. If I have to expect death of everyone I know, why could i possibly care about your family; why do i care about all of the menial problems like divorced parents, drama etc. I cant listen to it. It enfuriates me.

Basically, I feel like a very mean person. I just dont care about anyone else and their problems anymore. If i see someone fail an exam and they are miserable, or if they loose a pet; I really dont care; the thought that crosses my mind is: "Why do you think I care? I have lost more. Get over it. I had to."

 

I am wondering if any of you have felt this way as well. What did you do to feel sympathy for others? Im having a hard time with that.

[cindyjane]

Hi Amdorsse, let me start by saying that I am so sorry for your loss.

 

Your post really got me thinking about how I felt and still feel about the loss of both of my parents.  I lost them both in an 11 month period.  I could, and still can relate to how you're feeling in some ways.  I couldn't agree with you more that some of the things that people complain about seem so menial to me.  After losing a loved one, things like failing an exam, losing a job, having the flu, etc. seem so trivial.  When someone complained to me about things like this I never found it in my heart to feel compassion for them after the passing of my parents.

 

This all being said, today I feel differently about this because I know that one day, the people who complain about little things in life will one day go through the loss of a loved one as well and I know the pain they will go through.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone but sadly everyone will have to go through it one day.  

 

Also, prior to losing my parents I was one of those people who complained about things like the weather, my car breaking down, a sore back, etc.  Today I see those things as trivial and it took losing my parents to see that.

 

Not sure if this helps to put things into perspective for you.  Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this because it keeps me humble in remembering the things in life that really are important and reminds me to have compassion for others when they are going through any kind of hardship.

 

take care

Cindy Jane 

[lydiaellejay]

Hey, really sorry to hear about your Dad I also lost my Dad just over 3 weeks ago and that was him simply dropping dead completely out of the blue.

I can't explain how much I can sympathise with you and these feelings. Nothing feels like it has meaning anymore, people who are moaning about money or people moaning about their ill pets it sounds bad but I just feel like slapping- who bloody cares? But then I make myself realise that in all honesty no one apart from my close circle or maybe people who can relate have any understanding in the world about what you're going through and to them these trivial things I guess are really issues- I know I was guilty- and I just remember I would never want anyone to feel this way.

Let yourself feel this anger because its clearly a grieving emotion you need to release, i've tried to put my angry energy into different outlets such as exercise. As for feeling angry at others I simply avoid certain people and surround myself with the close more thoughtful or just simply change the subject as quickly as possible.

Please feel free to message me if you ever want and accept your anger and know you aren't just an evil person you are in pain. It's such a crap situation it really is and this anger should be expressed. I know I have been angry at points because I feel so young and punished but I try to let it out positively and take a bit more control with people I surround myself with.

All my best x

[ibarnard]

You have described the EXACT way I am feeling.

[HMN2015]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I too feel some of what you're feeling. How could one possibly feel bad for someone with a meanial problem when you and I just lost our parent. You have every right to feel the way you are. I lost my mom on March 10th of this year and I personally don't look at problems the same. I over heard someone at work talk about how they didn't get into med school - boo freaking hoo - I just lost my mom and mg best friend - eff med school. Your feelings are real and you have valid reasons for feeling that way. I hope you can find peace with your loss. I feel your pain

[tigerfan24]

I, too, completely understand these feelings. It seems as though nothing else matters. That we have all been through our worst nightmares. My dad passed away suddenly on April 2nd at 57 years of age, and I have been feeling so many unwanted emotions. Anger about people's completely pointless problems. Unrelenting sadness. And annoyance that nobody realizes how broken I feel. I wouldn't wish the way I know we are all feeling on my worst enemy.

 

My biggest problem is finding someone young who understands the loss of a parent. I came here searching for someone who could empathize with me, the more I read, the more I see that there are so many young people losing their parents. 

 

This anger is quite obviously part of the grieving process, not everyone knows the ultimate life problem: death. I know that when I hear people complaining about things I really want to say, "Uh-huh, but did your dad die?" 

 

I wish you the best, and I hope that you can find some solace. Along with everyone else here.

[EmBee]

I know this topic is 2 years old, but it hits exactly what I'm feeling right now.

My father has been ill for the last 10 months and passed about 10 days ago.  He was 92; my mother is 88 and has been hit very hard by the loss of her husband of 60 years.  She also has early dementia and is getting forgetful; the last year has been a hell of trying to manage both Dad's extreme medical needs (he really should have been in a nursing home) and Mom's needs to be with him and yet not leave her familiar environment.  And let's not get into the planning and management of the finances as we juggled  numerous possible outcomes.

The biggest symptom I'm showing is absolute impatience with friends.  My peer group is mainly four people, one of whom tends to go into a tailspin when she hits a bump in the road.  Most of this year, it's been breakups and makeups with her boyfriend.  Two weeks ago, I was in the ER with my mother (emergency surgery for gangrenous gallbladder on the same day we moved my Dad into hospice, where he died five days later!!!), and my group of friends started texting anxiously because the drama-friend had been grudgingly transferred to a new position in our organization.  I told them I couldn't be part of that text chain because of my high anxiety about my parents.  

Well, now I'm back at work and I'm feeling NO SYMPATHY for this friend, who is sad about the transfer and is crying on and off about it.  I had to leave her room yesterday, because I could tell that everything I was saying (X might be hard; maybe you could have fun with Y) was making her angry.  After work another friend called me to tell me that she had spent some time driving around with the upset friend, and that the friend was really down, and that maybe we should all plan a special night out for her to help her feel appreciated.

I frankly feel angry that any of my friends would expect me to act as a caregiver at this point.  All year, my father has been dying and I've spent very little time discussing it or processing it with them, while her complaints have dominated everyone's time.  This transfer isn't the end of the world; it isn't going to kill anyone; she'll either manage it and be fine, or she'll find another job.  

So I guess the main symptom of my grief is deep impatience and irritability with what seem to be surface complaints.  I'm afraid I might lose friends over this.

[Luna1]

WOW, these posts could have been written by myself - its truly relieving to read that Im not the only one who feels this way. I lost my dad 5 months ago to cancer after 2 yrs of illness, and since then i barely want to be part of my own family anymore. And i used to be very close to them. Its so odd, like Im a different person. But now reading other peoples experiences make me feel like this is my symptoms of handling grief and even though its not desirable, its completely normal. I just dont care the same way I used to before and I thought there was something wrong with me. Good to know its not.

Thank you all!

[Kathy27]

I can sympathize with what these posts are saying. My dad died on April 23rd. And I am so mad at the world. Especially my fiancé. On the fourth day after his death. I reached out to him for support and all he wanted to do was argue with me. I kept telling him that my dad is dead please stop I can't take anymore. He kept pushing until I lost it. I tried to kill myself. Now it's been a little over a month. And it's like he expects me to just get over it. We actually just got into an argument and when I told him that he was not being supportive and the day I tried to kill myself he kept pushing me he called me a righteous bitch. I'm sorry I have never been emotionally stable and he knew this when he decided he wanted to be with me. So what does he think all this stress on top of loosing my dad is doing to me. Do I not deserve a little bit of extra support from him right now. According to him yes my dad died it's sad I'm suppose to just get over it. Maybe other people can just move on from this but I can't. And I'm about to say if he don't like it then maybe I just need to go through this alone.