Need Advice: Mom dating after dad's death

[stmmm11]

It's been over a year since my father died of pancreatic cancer and my mother is ready to start dating again. I've actually been hoping she would date again because she's living alone, as my brother and I are in our early twenties.  While I'm glad she's dating again, I do not know how to breach certain topics with her, as we have never been particularly close--my father and I were close while she and my brother were close. We've always been a family who shields our emotions and don't talk about our personal lives.  I have the following two concerns which I do not know how or if I should voice to her:

 

1) I don't mind her dating, but I also don't want to hear about her barring experiences. It's a little bit TMI for me as well as too much of my mothering her. When I come home to visit, all she cares about is going to the bars--which is fine--but I'm not a fan of her coming back at 2 am in the morning, drunk, and then waking me up to talk about it. I understand she wants to have fun and she should--but she's acting like a reckless teenager while I'm cleaning up after her 

 

2) I don't want to meet these new guys unless she's serious about them. My mother has been with my father since she was 17--he was her first and only boyfriend. I know that she's not really in tune with dating and I expect it will take her a while to find the "right" guy, especially when she's meeting them in bars. In the meantime, I don't really want to meet every guy she dates on the few days I can return for visits. I don't want to be unsupportive but every guy has a different dynamic in what he thinks his role with me (as his girlfriend's kid) should be. 

 

3) I know this may be a little too far in the future--I may be worrying for nothing--but how do you tell your parent when the new guy is acting like he's your father and you don't find it acceptable? I've noticed that a lot of family friends have been trying to step in as my new "father figure" and in a lot of cases, I personally feel they are overstepping boundaries. I know it's all good-natured and well-intended, but it bothers me that people are trying to tell me what to do and/or making demands of me. I'm a pretty good kid, with a 4.0 GPA, full scholarship, and graduating from college in 3 years with a double major--despite my father's cancer being during my senior year of high school until junior year of college. I'm not trying to be disrespectful. I just think I'm too old to have people--especially any of my mother's suitors--trying to condescend to me and become my new father. I don't want to be a b***** and say that they're not a part of my family, but I don't want or need a new father figure and I feel too old to be treated like I'm a child whom can be condescended to as a child. My brother feels the same way. How do I mention this without seeming unsupportive? I want my mom to be happy with a new guy but I don't want him thinking he can simply replace my father. 

[wistletone]

Since your brother has a closer relationship, is there anyway he can help you, or communicate something? Are you living with your mom?   You are her daughter, and you said you are graduating from college soon.  So I'm guessing you are around 20 or 21.  You are young... but you are not a kid.  I don't know of many people who are trying to replace or become father figures to 21 year olds.  Maybe cool friends or advisors, but as your mom is just dating, you might not need to worry about that.  If they are disrespecting you or your mom, that is a different thing.  You need to tell your mom that you don't want to want to meet every guy she dates, and that you are not her girlfriend, you are her daughter.  You also have to deal with the fact that she doesn't need your permission.  If you can't live with it you may have to find a different arrangement that allows you to have peace.  It sounds like you need to establish boundaries.  Can you talk to a counselor at school?  It would be really great if you can.  It might help you figure out how and what to say.  Best of luck.