Missing my mother

[HMN2015]

I just lost my mom on the 10th of March and I'm finding myself getting deeper and deeper into a state of depression.  I've been my moms primary source of care since her stroke (20 yrs ago) and we've been inseparable since.  I literally either spoke to her or saw her DAILY!  I'm 44 years old, yet I feel like curling up in some corner and crying.  I know it's still new to me so the adjustment is going to take some time but this empty feeling has overcome my daily living.  I'm trying to function as I did before her passing but I can't seem to find my way.  I don't want to let go - I don't want to accept the event because I'm afraid I will forget her and everything she meant to me.  I feel alone because all my friends still have their mother.  

[silverkitties]

My condolences to you, HMN2015, even though I know it feels so paltry.

 

The truth is that grieving can be a long and difficult process, although it varies for all people: I'd like to say I feel much better nearly 6 months later, but that would be a lie--although it does come and go. There are days when I feel I can conquer anything. And then, there are days when the memories of our happiness hurt so much.

 

Like you, I was also very close to my mom (see my other posts): she's been a mentor, confidant, and close friend to me over my 52 years. Even when we were thousands of miles apart, we still spoke to each other at least once a week. Good-byes were always difficult for me; it used to embarrass me to tear up after the departure of my mom--either back home when I was abroad, or when she returning to her native country for a 2-3 month visit. "Why on earth is a 20/30/40-year old crying like a 5-year-old about her mommy leaving," I'd ask myself over the years.

 

But none of this prepared me for our final parting on the rainy day she died: knowing I would never hear her calling me to say, "I'm on my way home." Or "I've just landed; will see you in about an hour." Or "the doctor says everything is OK; they're sending me home now."  It hurts when I hear an airplane and know that mom will not be on it (too bad there isn't a Heavenly Airways!). It hurts too when my mind keeps replaying happy memories of our times together, knowing I will never enjoy our meals, movies, shopping, and travels again. All of this is redoubled in my realization that there is NO ONE around me to support me in my sadness.

 

Give yourself time, HMN; it won't be easy. Some things which helped me was talking about my mom with her cousins and sisters; perhaps you might do the same? (It doesn't have to be a relative; a close friend of your mother would be great too.) It didn't take away the hurt entirely, but it did help the grief subside a bit--and I learned a lot about my mother as a young girl and teenager. I learned, for instance, how she fell in love with my dad at the age of 16--and realized why she kept answering "1948" when the doctor or nurse would ask her what year it was after she suffered her first stroke. 

 

It might be a good idea to write or plan a tribute to your mom, particularly if you are still planning her memorial service: writing my mom's eulogy gave me some peace as it allowed me to celebrate her life--to tell everyone how amazing and how full of grace she was; to tell her she was our amazing grace personified.  (Yes, we played "Amazing grace" afterwards).I'm planning to either do a slideshow or video tribute to my mom or write about her on my earlier thread when I get some relief from my own work.

 

So I (and probably many others) understand how you feel--and am here to listen.

[carolyndiana]

In that early time after losing my mom, there was a numbness, a disbelief, and the deepest pain ever that took over my life. And now, 2 1/2 months later, it is still very raw and the reality is hard to bear, but I'm learning that grieving is it's own journey and there is no choice but to walk the path. It is so very hard to function in one's everyday life so you have to try to put as little pressure on yourself as possible. I found that all I could do was to minimize all responsibilities, become a bit of a hermit at times, and give myself permission to ponder, cry, and remember. I have found it helpful to have notebook and a pen... I've been writing every little thing that comes to mind about my mom... from my earliest to most recent memories, her often-used expressions, regrets, the smiles, everything, right up to the last few hours, and in no particular order. At first the memories were hard to retrieve including the sound of her voice.... but I think I was in shock. Then when the memories started coming, I started writing. I've been adding little poems and pictures to my notebook that illustrate grief and longing and love. And I've been collecting things to remember about her... wearing a ring of hers, putting her lotion on my face, and so on. And sometimes I use the voice recorder on my phone to record my thoughts when I just can't get to my notebook. Like you, I don't want to forget anything about her.

 

I hope you can find someone to talk to about her... someone who understands and can just listen with empathy. Or tell us about her right here... we've been there and will be that listening ear and heart.

 

You were so close to her, and such a wonderful daughter, friend, and caregiver, and you put a lifetime of caring into those years with her. What a beautiful gift of time and love you gave your mother.

 

 

 

 

[Lorri]

I lost my mom almost a year ago, may 31st.. Watching her go through what she did(cancer) for 5 and a half years was so extremely hard. And only me and my father being there to take care of her was very difficult. Every day he would be at work until like 9 oclock at night, leaving me. a 15 year old girl having to basically take care of her, when she got very sick. I completely understand what you mean by it hurting so much, and not being able to help but fall into deeper and deeper depression. I does get better, definitely with time, but like, i'm still a mess and it's almost been a year. It's gotten a lot better, but it's still hard to wake up every day and be like wow, she's really not here anymore. I'm here and a bunch of others are here to listen.<3

[Everly]

There is no pain like this, absolutely no pain that comes close to losing your Mom... at least for me, this is by far the most pain I have ever had with my Mom.

 

I thought I would die at first... it hurt so bad.  I didn't know how I could even sleep or remain alive my insides felt like broken glass... cutting me.  Then weeks later it felt like someone stuck a knife in me and gutted me... at work I cried terribly in the bathroom and would take walks outside of work and literally bawl my eyes out.

 

Now we are going on 6mo and sadly it's getting better.  I have mixed feelings about that.  My Mom is gone and I'm getting used to it  I hate it all the same. 

 

I have learned that this grief hurts really really bad and you just have to go through the process... what choice do we have?  Life so unfair to so many of us... people who lose their loved one early and those who help the elderly years with a sickness watching them decline... sad and cruel!!

 

I don't have much advice for you except that what you are going through seems pretty normal.... and sadly you just have to feel it.  I know how much it hurts, how I know.  I think it will get better... I hated when people told me that... I didn't want it to get better I wanted my Mom back... but now at soon to be 6mo,I know she isn't coming back and I have to let grief do it's thing... and sadly that is probably healing.

 

Please know you are not alone.. and it's just this shitty life we live that we have to love and lose.

 

Prayers and hugs...

[silverkitties]

I couldn't agree more with Retz. I think a lot of it can depend on whatever is going on in your life and other pressures you're confronting (as the pressures can magnify grief); but you will find that in time, there will be more OK and even pleasant days. Of course, the bad days will never disappear entirely; they will roll in every now and again. But then again--even if we weren't grieving, we would always have good days and not-so-good ones anyway.

 

Retz, I have twinges of the feeling you've described--when you say you have mixed feelings about things getting better. Yes, sometimes I feel almost guilty for not feeling bad! But I bet your mom and mine would want that for us; that is, for us to continue our lives and to be as happy as we can in our circumstances. They probably already know that we will always love them even if we are not thinking or crying about them every minute. Our mothers, our parents, all knew that we tried out best to prolong their lives and make everything just a bit easier: when we brought them to their doctors' appointments, asked questions, fed them, gave them meds, bathed them, visited them on a daily or near daily basis, comforted them as best we could. They know about the sacrifices we made last year in our own lives to do so. That's why my mom always said to me "You need to take care of yourself too."

 

There will always be some tough days: for me, it will be the 4th, the 6-month anniversary of my mom's death, and the 24th--the one-year anniversary of her first stroke. Then when June rolls around, I'll be thinking of her cancer diagnosis. And of course, there will always be some cloudy, rainy day that reminds me of the day she died. Most likely, I will  probably visit here again and write about my mom (esp. when I finish taxes); I know I usually feel more relieved when I write about her; perhaps next time i'll share some fond memories I have and our times together. I hope y'all won't get sick of me~

 

I think this is what makes this site great. I learn every now and then about how people are grieving--and it makes me feel somewhat less alone. Misery loves company? But I also find much comfort from those who sympathize and share thoughts and feelings on bereavement and coping mechanisms. And not least, I always feel a little bit better when I get the opportunity to share thoughts about my mom: it's sort of my way of keeping her "alive" and paying tribute to her. 

[HMN2015]

Thank you all for your words of comfort.  I appreciate you sharing your personal experiences.  With each passing day, I'm reminding myself of the time we shared.  The love we shared was what one would think a mother / daughter would be but I know ours was unique.  My mother was so proud of me and each time she'd brag about me I would let her have her moment.  For it was my love she not only felt but was able to see.  I know I'm still in the early days of her passing but I can't imagine how 'easy' this will get.  Her birthday is coming up as well as Mother's Day - I am immediately taken back by the very thought of not being able to spend time with her during these special occasions.  Her life was cut short not just by death but by the stroke.  The last 20 years my mom wasn't living, she was existing.  Her passing has given me an emptiness I never thought I would have.  I have an amazing support system with my own family and they are doing a great job with trying to keep me busy.  If I've learned anything throughout this entire process, it's that I was blessed to be raised by such a wonderful woman and have passed that loving, caring and unconditional support on to my children.  I'm not afraid to express my feelings and I know the healing part of the process IS letting it out.   I find myself visiting her grave daily and sharing just 3-5 mins with her while listening to a song.  I don't want to let go - I don't want to live my life without my mother.  Her words of wisdom, her laughter, smile and scent are forever etched in my heart.  I know how it works - we all have an appointment with death - but what I don't understand is how this sort of pain "WILL" get easier.   I'm doing all I can to get back into the routine I had before losing mom - I'll always miss her phone calls, her voicemails and the way she'd say - "Heidi, this is your mother." (like I didn't know who it was already) 

 

I feel hearing your stories and sharing thoughts about mine will ease this transition.  Again, thank you all for sharing part of your life with your love one with me.