Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Still missing my mom


silverkitties

Recommended Posts

  • Members
silverkitties

It's nearing 9 months since my mom passed away on October 4, 2014.

 

I feel as if I've been bearing a child of my own in this period--and waiting so long to "deliver" it, so to speak. That is, to free myself from the worst of my grieving.

 

And yet, it never really seems to dissipate. Is it because I am now even more isolated than ever in my immediate community: where no one seems to care at all? When no one calls? Is it because I feel more anxiety than ever? Fears over health catastrophes for my father and my cats. Fear of natural disasters. Fear of losing control over finances. Fears of becoming homeless. It's not that these have never worried me, but I sometimes feel as if I'm about to explode.

 

That's when I'm not feeling constantly bombarded by memories and visions of the last several years. Songs will do it; so will my own work when even mere references to materials I read last year invoke a flood of remembrances. As I write, I can't help but recall memories of the outings I had with mom, particularly in the summers when we went out frequently. Memories of early 2014 when my mom and I watched so many videos in the evenings. Visions of the hallways in the hospitals. Visions of the cafeteria. Recollections of the times we brought mom home and the momentary relief we felt.

 

All of this makes it so difficult for me to concentrate and think clearly. Has this happened to anyone else here--all the extra anxieties heaped on top of grief?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I hear you, silverkitties. I've been very down these couple of days. Last night, I went to sleep early because two nights in a row, I wasn't able to fall asleep because of a nagging cough I have only at night. Well, as I was laying on the bed, I smelled moms oil again. I began to cry. I cried myself to sleep.

 

I think about the hospital too. The doctors and nurses. They were all so nice but this one nurse. I didn't like her because she was loud. The nurses tried to get mom to move and lift her arm. They would squeeze or pinch different areas to see if she would budge. But, this particular nurse pinched her nerve so hard by her arm/armpit area that she was bruised on both sides. I didn't notice it until I was fixing mom's gown. I asked another nurse was this normal. She said, "No." We reported her her ass. No wonder mom squinted her eyebrows because she was in pain. I hated her.

 

I was thinking about hospice. When they took out the feeding tube. She sounded so much better. When she had the tube in, she sounded so uncomfortable. The staff was wonderful and very understanding.

 

From the beginning to end I never left mom's side. I only went home to shower and eat. There was always someone there with mom. Usually, there would be three of us (me, my sister, and a brother that takes turns) that stayed overnight with her. I wouldn't sleep or couldn't sleep because what if something happened to her. I want to be there. They'd tell me to stay home at least one night and I would refuse to.

 

When I go home to rest and eat. I never did realize that I wasn't eating. I would sleep for a couple of hours that's it. A family friend noticed that my cheeks were sunken in. I went home and showered that night and I looked in the mirror. I've lost weight.

 

I just wish to be with her. I still need her. I'm so lonely without mom. Silverkitties, I know your pain. I can't stop crying as I'm typing this. :(  You need a BIG HUG.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
silverkitties

I feel the same way too, May. My problem is getting up too early and not being able to fall asleep. Sometimes, it's depression; at other times, it's like a precursor to a panic attack.

 

As it is, I already go to bed very late--much later than I used to. When my mom was alive, it was 1 am--sometimes 2. Only the latter if I had to turn in a project the next day or if it was the last day of class and people were still posting.

 

Nowadays, it's 4 am. By the time I finish the dishes, feed the cats their snack, do the garbage, and some last minute tidying up, it's 3. Then I shower and get ready for bed.

 

I'm glad you reported that nurse. It's worth pointing out that there are many in the health profession who are quite racist. I remember a program on PBS, American Denial, mentioning that many doctors are less likely to recommend thorough treatments if the patient is not white.  Then there's also the problem of prejudice amongst the various races to complicate things.

 

Not least, there is also age. We all know and have heard of nurses and techs who are abusive towards the elderly because they assume they won't take any action.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
silverkitties

I've just uploaded an album with 3 early photos of my mom from her highschool years and 20s.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
silverkitties

Today marks the 9th month of my mother's passing on October 4, 2014.

 

We never really did much on the 4th, or for that matter, any holiday--with perhaps the exceptions of our birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Thanksgiving, and Xmas. They were more feast-day type events than actual "holidays" once we moved away from Illinois.  It was always enjoyable to cook up a great meal. My mom would prepare the best turkey, duck, and mashed potatoes.  I, on the other hand, enjoyed cooking up a solid roast beef and lamb. And since none of us were ever great at desserts, the latter almost always came from a special delivery. There would always be a movie to follow afterwards.

 

Sometimes, out of sheer laziness,  we'd head out to the nearby local Asian buffet with the best shrimp, oysters, sushi and a panorama of other seafood delights. Sadly, the buffet would close last year so none of us ever got to enjoy it after 2013: sort of oddly appropriate that it "died" in 2014 too. The sign is still there, however; always reminding us of so many meals we shared together in happier times. 

 

Today, I'm feeling a certain wistfulness, mostly because of what happened last year at this time: July 3rd was the day that she fell down the stairs on the morning of her ultrasound. We felt so relieved that she did not have to stay overnight that day since there were no concussions, fractures, or anything. The day after--July 4th--was such a bright, sunny day. Warm but not too warm. Just picture perfect. I still remember how we felt happy and how mom enjoyed the cheeseburgers I made as we sat upstairs in my study watching her favorite Japanese program.  In the meantime, we were delighted to find her sweeping the back deck--despite her accident the previous day. Mom you need a rest! Why are you sweeping?  But she insisted on doing it; said it made her feel better.  Little did we know she would end up back in the hospital a few days later when the visiting nurse came.

 

I sometimes wonder about how fateful July 3 and 8th were. Maybe if she hadn't fallen, she wouldn't have felt so weak on the day of her first chemo treatment on Monday? Maybe the visiting nurse wouldn't have sent her on Wednesday--a stay which may have ended up weakening my mom overall? Maybe then we could have taken her to Yale for a second opinion. And maybe, quite possibly, she might still be alive. So many unanswered questions.

 

As my birthday is approaching in 10 days--I thought I'd post a pic of my mom pregnant with me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
silverkitties

Thank you, Eve--you are absolutely right: we are going to be "playing" the numbers game for some time. And even though we know there's not much we could have really changed, yet we probably will continue to second-guess ourselves. I suppose if anything attests to our great love, it's that. But then, love almost always defies logic.

 

Yes, that's my mom in the red with the pink flowers above her. I had an earlier one in black and white which I wanted to share but can't find it! Argh...It's funny, because in those pics, (as you'll see sometime next week), my mom had long hair. But then when she became pregnant, out came the shears! Supposedly women are still much like that today as I read somewhere last year: now that you're pregnant, you're going to have to look mature--and all that. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

silverkitties and Eve, mines will be here in 8 days. July 4 is my grandmother's death date. I was thinking about the number game about two weeks ago. I forget what day is it often. So, ever since mom passed, the date is important to me because I don't want to miss mom's date.

 

Eve, I really liked what you said: 

"I think we were great daughters... we did the best we good and we stood by them 24/7.  We can be proud of that.  We let them live their lives and we respected their wishes when it came to their treatment.  Unfortunately that's where our control of things ended.  We couldn't keep them here  :("

 

I was crying when I read it. Every word is so true. Our love for our mom is so strong that nothing can take that away from us. I knew from the get-go that I'd be talking with some special people here that I can call friends. The other site that I was on was very miserable. Hardly anyone responded unlike here. No one shared laughter. We can share anything here. I like that.

 

Silverkitties, your mom is so beautiful. She reminds me so much of a Chinese actress.

 

**Hugs** 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
silverkitties

MSN, thanks for the compliments on my mom--and I think I remember that when we were discussing your grandmother's death when mentioning that 4 is an unlucky number.

 

How can we forget?!?!

 

It turned out last night I slept in my mom's room because one of the cats has problems...I may need to take her to a vet tomorrow because she hasn't been eating properly for the last 2 days. To top it all off, I noticed my dad's leg is swelling.

 

Anyway, I am so worried silly.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Oh, no, Silverkitties. It's one thing after another. Poor kitty! And, keep a close eye on your dad. Is he acting okay lately? Maybe he's not moving his legs enough? Maybe sitting too much? Maybe too much sodium? I hope he's okay.

 

Yes, indeed. How can we forget that number 4?!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
silverkitties

Right now, I'm deciding if I should bring kitty to the emergency vets next door--or just wait till tomorrow to see one of her more regular vets. The emergency vets do not seem to specialize in cats. I know that they are supposed to get comprehensive training as a vet, but still....especially when you add in the costs.

 

I could not sleep last night.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

If I was in your shoes, I wouldn't be able to sleep either. How is your cat doing? She's still not eating?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
silverkitties

Just spent over $530 today--and I'm waiting to hear the news from the radiologist. It looks like there was some kind of obstruction in her stomach and her large intestine was all clogged up. The vet is not really sure she knows what's in her stomach. Maybe some food she ate this weekend? Hoping it's not plastic or a tumor. I don't even want to think how much surgery will cost.

 

Anyway, they flushed out all the poo from the intestines. Then a few hours after we got home, she dropped a few on my sheets! So now I have to wash them.

 

But she did eat some after the "accident." 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Imagine what you could've used $530 instead. Yep, it's very costly. 

 

Awww! At least she's eating. That's the good news. Is she alert and active?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.