Members Khyris_Mommy Posted February 16, 2015 Members Report Share Posted February 16, 2015 I was given the option to either take time off or lose my job. My doctor prescribed Zoloft. I have been taking it for three days and I feel like a zombie. I still feel the hurt, it's still hard to breathe, but I can't show it. I can't cry. I have tried. I hate feeling like this. I would rather go back to bawling at the drop of a hat than to walk around like this and not be able to let it out. I don't know what to do. I know that if I continue the way that I have been, my job will be gone when I go back in seven weeks. BUT I know that I can't continue this medication and come out the other side...I know that if it shut everything off so quickly, when I come off of it it's going to be worse than before. I don't know what to do. I am considering looking for another job, because I think that a complete change of scenery would maybe help. I have so many memories of her at my current job. I was working there when I got pregnant, and I was at work when I got "the call." She played in my office, I have her scribble art on the wall. But at the same time, this job has been my home. I work with some of my best friends, and I fear that starting a job with people who don't know the situation would be setting myself up to fail.. At least where I am now, they know what happened and they know that there are good days and bad. I also fear starting another job because if I'm up front and tell them (essentially) that I'm an emotional wreck, I lost my daughter 4 months ago, they will see that as a possible risk for attendance problems and functionality. I am so lost. I know that I have to continue on with life, I know that with me being stuck in this rut my family is suffering because I can't function and am now on leave from work, I know that there is nothing that I can do to bring Khyri back and by being in this awful dark place I am only hurting myself and my family including my daughter who is still here, but I am SO scared to let go. I'm afraid that the minute I stop living in October, I'm going to forget her. Like she wasn't here. And that's my worst fear. She was here. She was real. She is my baby. And I feel like moving forward would be betraying her. Please help :'( :'( :'( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members dvapoetic Posted February 16, 2015 Members Report Share Posted February 16, 2015 I remember being in the same situation when I lost my father very unexpectedly. I was on my way to work and almost died myself in a horrific car accident on another occasion I was on my way home from work and my car which was a small Honda Civic at the time was hit by a diesel truck with my brother following closely behind. All of this madness happened the month that my father passedd. I was going to work thinking the work was the way to keep my mind off of losing my father my medicine wasn't Zoloft but instead it was alcohol and lots of it I ended up losing two jobs by what I thought was moving on I've learned that you never move on from something so tragic and traumatic as a loss of a child especially a child and the loss of parents...it will be forever a journey that you walk through in life and it's a journey of getting to know yourself in your feelings which is the hard way to find out about your feeling...either you feel or you don't want to feel like myself that's the reason the vast consumption of alcohol and becoming a workaholic but now almost 15 years later. I'm just beginning to feel being this is his eternal anniversary monthh...I would say you never move on but you definitely move forward by making your life a living testimony to their legacy and how you were purposed and predestined to endure such a painful tragedy....start now by celebrating the contributions your little one has touched you and others with.and leave a legacy that your child will be proud of. When you think you're in that dark place just trust and believe you will be delivered...blessing and I hope this help in some way or another Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members dvapoetic Posted February 16, 2015 Members Report Share Posted February 16, 2015 I remember being in the same situation when I lost my father very unexpectedly. I was on my way to work and almost died myself in a horrific car accident on another occasion I was on my way home from work and my car which was a small Honda Civic at the time was hit by a diesel truck with my brother following closely behind. All of this madness happened the month that my father passedd. I was going to work thinking the work was the way to keep my mind off of losing my father my medicine wasn't Zoloft but instead it was alcohol and lots of it I ended up losing two jobs by what I thought was moving on I've learned that you never move on from something so tragic and traumatic as a loss of a child especially a child and the loss of parents...it will be forever a journey that you walk through in life and it's a journey of getting to know yourself in your feelings which is the hard way to find out about your feeling...either you feel or you don't want to feel like myself that's the reason the vast consumption of alcohol and becoming a workaholic but now almost 15 years later. I'm just beginning to feel being this is his eternal anniversary monthh...I would say you never move on but you definitely move forward by making your life a living testimony to their legacy and how you were purposed and predestined to endure such a painful tragedy....start now by celebrating the contributions your little one has touched you and others with.and leave a legacy that your child will be proud of. When you think you're in that dark place just trust and believe you will be delivered...blessing and I hope this help in some way or another Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members dvapoetic Posted February 16, 2015 Members Report Share Posted February 16, 2015 I remember being in the same situation when I lost my father very unexpectedly. I was on my way to work and almost died myself in a horrific car accident on another occasion I was on my way home from work and my car which was a small Honda Civic at the time was hit by a diesel truck with my brother following closely behind. All of this madness happened the month that my father passedd. I was going to work thinking the work was the way to keep my mind off of losing my father my medicine wasn't Zoloft but instead it was alcohol and lots of it I ended up losing two jobs by what I thought was moving on I've learned that you never move on from something so tragic and traumatic as a loss of a child especially a child and the loss of parents...it will be forever a journey that you walk through in life and it's a journey of getting to know yourself in your feelings which is the hard way to find out about your feeling...either you feel or you don't want to feel like myself that's the reason the vast consumption of alcohol and becoming a workaholic but now almost 15 years later. I'm just beginning to feel being this is his eternal anniversary monthh...I would say you never move on but you definitely move forward by making your life a living testimony to their legacy and how you were purposed and predestined to endure such a painful tragedy....start now by celebrating the contributions your little one has touched you and others with.and leave a legacy that your child will be proud of. When you think you're in that dark place just trust and believe you will be delivered...blessing and I hope this help in some way or another Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members dvapoetic Posted February 16, 2015 Members Report Share Posted February 16, 2015 I remember being in the same situation when I lost my father very unexpectedly. I was on my way to work and almost died myself in a horrific car accident on another occasion I was on my way home from work and my car which was a small Honda Civic at the time was hit by a diesel truck with my brother following closely behind. All of this madness happened the month that my father passedd. I was going to work thinking the work was the way to keep my mind off of losing my father my medicine wasn't Zoloft but instead it was alcohol and lots of it I ended up losing two jobs by what I thought was moving on I've learned that you never move on from something so tragic and traumatic as a loss of a child especially a child and the loss of parents...it will be forever a journey that you walk through in life and it's a journey of getting to know yourself in your feelings which is the hard way to find out about your feeling...either you feel or you don't want to feel like myself that's the reason the vast consumption of alcohol and becoming a workaholic but now almost 15 years later. I'm just beginning to feel being this is his eternal anniversary monthh...I would say you never move on but you definitely move forward by making your life a living testimony to their legacy and how you were purposed and predestined to endure such a painful tragedy....start now by celebrating the contributions your little one has touched you and others with.and leave a legacy that your child will be proud of. When you think you're in that dark place just trust and believe you will be delivered...blessing and I hope this help in some way or another Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members dvapoetic Posted February 16, 2015 Members Report Share Posted February 16, 2015 I'm sorry the post button went crazy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted February 16, 2015 Members Report Share Posted February 16, 2015 Cherry, our babies know we can never, never forget them. I too feel frozen in October, the month my son passed. I was able to step away from a job, but my husband still goes to his. Fortunately, he works in a spot that he could cry and then he wore sunglasses. My daughter though, worked with the public. When it got too bad, she did take days off, especially near trigger dates. She did counseling, some medication, Lorazapam (anti-anxiety). I keep a very light schedule at home, and don't take on more than I think I can handle. Maybe some of the extreme raw emotions have passed. Also, for Christina and my husband, they were very bonded to their co-workers so it was a form of support. It has gotten some what better now for them. I'm afraid that the minute I stop living in October, I'm going to forget her. Like she wasn't here. And that's my worst fear. I too have the same above thought. I know it is not maybe logical, but it is where I am at. My belief: Some things in grief progress at their own rate, each according to the person and their needs for healing. Some find healing in nature, mediation, certain types of music, art, reading. I think that forms of water therapy can be helpful and calming. (bath soaks with speciality minerals, etc.) Sending gentle thoughts today... Article on water therapyhttp://www.safealternativemedicine.co.uk/hydrotherapy-stress-management.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Everly Posted March 12, 2015 Members Report Share Posted March 12, 2015 khyris_mommy... omg, how are you supposed to be 5mo out of losing your precious daughter? I'm so confused. Who is pressuring you to move on? I think being a wreck at this point would be quite normal. I lost my Mom in October as well, and I am still a wreck, and if it was my baby daughter, I'd sure the hell be more of a wreck. What do you mean "stop living in October?", you mean to give yourself a break from grieving for a second? I also lost my brother in the month of October in 1976... he was 19yo, he committed suicide. I have never forgotten him. Although the pain of losing him (I was only 14yo), is quite different than losing my Mom, I have not once for one second have forgotten him, ever, not even close. ... and I don't ever expect to forget my Mom, even for a second. You are still very much grieving.. 5mo is nothing. Have you sought out therapy? I see a therapist once every three weeks and it helps alot. She helps keeping all the judgments at bay like "I should be better by now", "I shouldn't be crying at 5mo", "why do people expect me to move on suddenly", "is one year too long to be grieving?".. questions like that she is great with. Is there a therapist that you can see? I'm so sorry about your daughter. Tragic. I would be a mess too. When you say moving forward, what do you mean?, I'm not sure you can really move forward at 5mo anyway. Maybe you mean just giving yourself a break for a few hours. ... cause do you really think you can forget your sweet daughter ever. I highly doubt that. I hope you are okay. I feel bad for everyone on this forum, and the pain we are all going through. Know that I am sending hugs and prayers to you today.. please reach out to chat, we care. Hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jupiterkat007 Posted March 16, 2015 Members Report Share Posted March 16, 2015 I also lost my girl in October, changed states and at the start of the new year I tried to move forward. I felt like I was betraying her, but I knew if I did not do something things were going to get worse. It has been over 10 years and I still fall to pieces at the drop of a hat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Khyris_Mommy Posted April 8, 2015 Author Members Report Share Posted April 8, 2015 khyris_mommy... omg, how are you supposed to be 5mo out of losing your precious daughter? I'm so confused. Who is pressuring you to move on? I think being a wreck at this point would be quite normal. I lost my Mom in October as well, and I am still a wreck, and if it was my baby daughter, I'd sure the hell be more of a wreck. What do you mean "stop living in October?", you mean to give yourself a break from grieving for a second? I also lost my brother in the month of October in 1976... he was 19yo, he committed suicide. I have never forgotten him. Although the pain of losing him (I was only 14yo), is quite different than losing my Mom, I have not once for one second have forgotten him, ever, not even close. ... and I don't ever expect to forget my Mom, even for a second. You are still very much grieving.. 5mo is nothing. Have you sought out therapy? I see a therapist once every three weeks and it helps alot. She helps keeping all the judgments at bay like "I should be better by now", "I shouldn't be crying at 5mo", "why do people expect me to move on suddenly", "is one year too long to be grieving?".. questions like that she is great with. Is there a therapist that you can see? I'm so sorry about your daughter. Tragic. I would be a mess too. When you say moving forward, what do you mean?, I'm not sure you can really move forward at 5mo anyway. Maybe you mean just giving yourself a break for a few hours. ... cause do you really think you can forget your sweet daughter ever. I highly doubt that. I hope you are okay. I feel bad for everyone on this forum, and the pain we are all going through. Know that I am sending hugs and prayers to you today.. please reach out to chat, we care. Hugs. I did go to therapy....but I made her cry....and then she quit...She told me she understood and I completely unleashed on her (this was one week after the funeral) turns out she really did understand...her baby passed from SIDS at three months...so that pretty much ruined therapy for me.My job fired me during my 7 week "break" so now I'm staying at home with my 4yo while hubby works, but it's not enough and I'm going to have to find work. We are also about to lose our house, which is terrifying for so many reasons...not cuz we can't find anywhere else, but because so much of Khy is in these walls. The thought of leaving the house is scary...to go to new walls without handprints and chocolate smudges freaks me out. The only physical prints of her are here, handprints on mirrors and windows, stains in the carpet that (despite many attempts) have never come out. It's a very sad scary thing. Everything keeps getting worse. I did start taking Lorazepam as a PRN for anxiety, and it helps take the edge off when needed, but am still feeling very very broken. I don't think I've gotten out of bed on time to have Khaily to school on time more than a handful of times since October (which makes me feel AWFUL because she loves school so much) It's all still just...a lot. And it feels like it's getting worse with time, every day now is more confirmation that she's really not coming back.. They put her headstone in last week, and that ruined the whole week for me. I haven't even bothered to do dishes since then. So final. So very very final. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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