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Nothing special

How do you stop thinking about it

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I'm going through a divorce after 2+ years of marriage and 8 years dating. We have a son. I get no choice in the matter it is what he wants. He met someone through a relative of him and had been communicating with her even before we split when he decided he didn't want to be married anymore. I thought we were happy, not perfect but happy. I was so blindsided by the whole thing. He even took the time to tell me he never really loved me to begin with even though he understands I have always loved him unconditionally. He informed me the list of cons to being with me was way longer than the pros.

We are co parenting as well as we can. Truthfully I try to have my mother handle custody exchanges because its so painful to see him so happy knowing that this other woman took my whole life.

He is now enjoying his newfound freedom (I have our son most days) and loving his new life. I however cannot stop thinking or obsessing about everything. I'm sad and feel broken and worthless.

Any advice?

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I can't say I have advice. But I will say you are not alone. Hang in there. Take it one day at a time. Or this is what I tell myself.G

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Hi Nothing Special,

 

First I have to comment on your user name... Our stories are very much alike so I completely relate to feeling worthless and broken, I fell that way a lot of the time. It's so difficult to not let those thoughts run through your head. But you have to focus on what a strong and amazing women you are! You ARE so worthy. Think about how much your little boy loves you and how much he values that and focus on that.

 

My divorce was finalized just this month but my husband left the marriage two years ago. It has been rough, the first year my thoughts and focus were 100% about us. I didn't think I would ever stop obsessing over him and what happen and why doesn't he want me anymore. The good news is that it does lessen. I have more control over weather or not I allow my self to think about it, I really don't think you have much control when its so fresh but at some point you HAVE TO TELL YOURSELF that you chose to focus on something else.

 

Hang in there you are not alone.

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The only thing that stopped the crazy conversation in my head & the awful thrombin pain in my heart was to get thru each day & sometimes it was as hard as getting thru "the moment". Our mutual friends were getting married when my ex & I separated.the shame that he left me after I found out he was having an affair was almost unbearable. Talk about turning the knife or kicking me while I was down! I was literally a mess & emotionally not myself as the strong confident me would never want anyone who didn't want me but like I said, I wasn't myself. I even got to the all time low of thinking & obsessing that "if he just shows he's sorry & buys me flowers, I'll make him work to show me he's sorry" LMFAO YEAH RIGHT! He tried asking for forgiveness but he treated his betrayal like it was an "opps" like stepping on someone's shoe. I then knew that the person before giving my all to him would have to once again emerge.i have had the unfortunate role of talking some great friends thru this awful experience. Often they asked me how I managed to get thru it all, sometimes actually being able to laugh with "him" in our once shared home. My answer was to first, fake it till you make it. Never let them have the satisfaction of knowing they were the source of all your happiness & now that it's gone your destroyed. It's about tough love with yourself....or for a friend as I had the awful experiences of having to "get real" with some devastated friends but I had to do the same with myself. ...After an exhausting day of pretending to be perfect & the patient accepting wife, I realized my heart was broken as he excused himself to talk to "her". That was it! Really?! I deserved better & I deserved to be mad, hurt, angry & yes, even a little spiteful (not for too long). That's when you have to get real and say "I don't deserve this! He (or she) doesn't want me, this isn't love....certainly not the love I want. If they really made a mistake or loved me, I would know & wouldn't be sitting here hoping that "ONE DAY HE'LL REALIZE", not too mention, how unattractive is desperate" yes it hurt to tell myself that....hurt alot but the difference between him & me is I didn't make it a common practice to LIE to me. The greatest love is love of one's self. Secondly, "words that I live by that came from the older generation of divorcee", GOOD LIVING IS THE BEST REVENGE, as bad as you want to just give up, dont. Get up, shower do ur hair, makeup, workout, pick up that hobby that you gave up years ago.... find your best self & be the most beautiful/handsome self that you can possibly be....I guarantee one thing, they may not beg to come home but they will definitely notice & wonder "who" is making you happy & want to look nice. I know it sounds superficial but eventually as good as u look on the outside will be how you feel on the inside. ....not everyday but when it hurts so bad that you become angry at the world for not helping you fix this, it's certainly a great mental break from the pain. One day you'll realize you didn't even think about the pain or loneliness. It will get better. & third, forgive urself & then your ex....I know, am I crazy....nope. let the bitterness go. It's unhealthy. You will never be open to love if you hang on to how bad your ex hurt you. It may be too soon to think of anyone else but one day as your ex strolls by with another unsuspecting target you may want to be in the position to smile & just be able to wish him or her the best....& why not? Maybe this wasn't the one for you. If your on ur way to divorce or already done then they were not for you. Think of it as a relief that they were the one who moved on. Your conscious is clear & even if it's not, what's done is done. Don't ever think that they will "change" for their new love. They will remain the same person, I know that helped me sleep at night even gave me a little chuckle when i thought of her having to deal with his awful smelling feet. She got the booby prize & I got the opportunity to find out who I was, how strong & beautiful I am & was despite his efforts to break my spirit....I moved on & pray for him & his girlfriend all the time. They truely deserve one another & had I knew the real him I never would of said "I do". I feel good that I made him a better person & now that we are not together, his true colors are shining & those who love us both, don't really like him too much. I never asked anyone to take sides eather. That worked to my advantage once again because I learned who could be a real friend. Some ignored me & I saw the real them....why would I want people like that in our lives? I also never is to this day never talk bad about my ex to our children. He's an awful father but this is one time & situation in which I wish I was wrong about his character. Their pain is my pain. I often text my ex with the latest excuse I used for him when he didn't show up. Our boys are older now so they are used to him not showing up....sad. When ever I went to feel sorry for myself in the midst of the pain & separation, I just thought about how our children must feel, to have no control & to love 2 people the exact same but can't make them love each other must be beyond pain. I always told my boys that I will forever love their dad, love is not an emotion we can shut off because someone didn't act how we wanted or thought they should. I'll always love my ex but now, I love myself & my family more.

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Breathing helps, I am on the other side of this. I left my husband after 10 years of marriage. I realized that their are better men our their and we have two small children. Although I never cheated I still had desires for more in life. I try no to rub my happiness in his face knowing he will be one of those men who never remarries and will probably never date again.

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