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Trying to cope after losing mother 3 weeks ago


carolyndiana

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I lost my mother, age 81, three weeks ago to leukemia. In the weeks before she died she was very weak and frail and I knew that at any time a bad infection could end her life. I focused a lot on the medical and comfort side of things... taking time off work to accompany her and my dad to doctors appointments, going over to their home in the evenings to see how she was doing, check the swelling of her ankles and maybe take her temperature, bring pureed high calorie foods, help her get ready for bed, rub lotion on her flaking dry skin, brush her dentures, clean and tidy and sort. We didn't talk a lot of her past or of the disappointments in her life but sometimes she looked so sad. She would say something like "I have to let some things go" and I would nod understandingly. I think in my anxiety I felt better just focusing on the present, hoping that she felt loved and cared for.

 

In December she was admitted into hospital with pneumonia which brought her quickly into her last few days of life. She became confused and slept all the time and then started to need morphine for pain control as some lymph nodes had become huge. My dad was willing to have her pass away at home so we did a rushed discharge from hospital and she had two days at home before she died. We had the help of home care nurses and had medications to inject to manage pain and restlessness and secretions. It was very intense and I slept an hour here and there. When she died at 2am, I was still so much in the "looking after" mode that I couldn't believe this was it. She was gone. There was a huge emptiness in the 2-3 days that followed. I had no memories of her and I couldn't recall the sound of her voice. My mind reviewed over and over her actual dying. I tried to support my 86 yr old father who was heartbroken and exhausted and was having a lot of physical aches and pains and he could barely walk. I went through the mechanics of calling people, starting the paperwork and cancelling of bank accounts, etc.  I had a week of bereavement leave and I didn't see how I was going to return to work for I felt like a robot and I was crying at the drop of a hat.

 

Finally, thankfully, little memories started coming back of her as a young mom. But so did regret... that I should have talked with her more about her life and feelings. Asked her "what do you think about when you can't sleep at night?". Regret that I hadn't done more for her in years gone by. And sadness... for before she died she told my dad that she didn't feel she had accomplished anything in her life. She had been the kind of person who is just too nice for their own good... doing everything for everyone else, listening to everyone else but not being listened to. She had never got a nursing career off the ground for various reasons and that had been a lifelong regret of hers. I lit a candle one morning and thought of the flame as representing the warm, bright soul she had been in this world. And when I looked at a picture of her kind face I imagined myself talking with her and telling her how terrible I felt, how much I missed her, how I was sorry for not helping her more, sorry for having taken her for granted, and how I was sad for her sadness. Then I had a peaceful moment when I could imagine her reassuring me, telling me that it was all okay, as she would do if she had been alive, and I felt a little better, I felt some of the load of misery lift, at least for awhile.

 

Recently I heard myself saying "Oh...I see!" in exactly the same way she used to do. So I'm realizing there are ways I'm linked with her that will always keep me connected...in the inflection of our voice, in our genes, in some of the things we both liked.

 

I've written a lot in a journal including the regrets but also the things I did right. I think I'm going to keep lighting that candle and writing in my journal and looking at pictures and imagine myself talking with her. And crying whenever I feel like it. And thinking about her when I go to sleep and wake up. And I'm only going to focus on a day at a time, for the thought that 3 weeks is going to turn into 3 months, then 3 years, then 30, is way too painful. 

 

As my mom would say, this is a "new normal". I won't ever be quite the same person I was before.

 

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No, you won't be the same person you were before. I feel the same way, after the loss of my mother. In some ways, it's not for the best. I long for the days when I felt that my life was ahead of me, that I could be and do whatever I wanted in my life with the love and support of my parents. But, in other ways, I feel that the loss has changed me for the better. It made me appreciate the little moments in life (like holding my mother's hand, putting lotion on her feet, sharing a smile or a story). I now share these moments with others. It's made me more kind and compassionate to others who are struggling with life or illness or grieving. It's made me feel strong - to survive the worst thing that could happen... That is strength! We are changed... There are things that I miss, but in other ways I think I have changed for the better. This will be revealed to you in time.

I'm very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you did a wonderful job caring for your mother. We all do the best we can in a very difficult situation. Please try not to second guess or place judgment on the care you offered. I'm sure that you were a great comfort for your parents. Take care of yourself - grieving is hard! But, it's nice to hear that you have found some ways to remember your mother and work through your grief following her loss.

Take the greatest care.

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Thank you BaileyB for your thoughtful words. I've actually returned to your message a few times.

 

Yes, I think I'm now a more understanding person about grief and loss. Before, as I'd not had such a significant loss, I was an observer feeling sorry but never fully knowing the agonizing pain and hurt and missing. I guess in some ways I feel more human.. more connected to the rest of the world.. the real world out there. Even though grief is very personal and can make one feel so isolated while the world goes about it's business, I'm more aware of the suffering of others that is usually hidden away from sight.

 

And no, I shouldn't second guess what I did do for my mom. I have to be glad of every little thing I did even though now I can think of 100 things I could have done. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say. I made decisions based on certain things and I didn't know what I know now. I can't let regret taint the special moments of care and love that we did share. And of the things that I wish I'd said, I have to count on my mom having understood, like I do with my own kids.

 

Underlying everything is the fact that I just really, really, really MISS MY MOM! I want to hear her voice again, see her smile, and feel the security of still having a mom. I will continue to often have moments when I silently "wail" to the universe... like a lost child crying. But it's one step forward after another as the days pass.

 

Carolyn

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

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