Part of my heart is gone

[broken_angel]

Me and my ex boyfriend were on and off for 5 years. Despite being broken up we would still spend multiple days and nights a week together, he practically lived at school with me. I will not sugar coat it, it was not a perfect relationship, he was not a perfect man. He cheated, he mentally and emotionally messed with me. I stuck around because he was my first boyfriend and well, I loved him. Finally I graduated college, causing me to move home. I used this as a reason to slowly break our "relationship" since he could not come sleep at my parents house and it took about 45 minutes to go see each other. But we still remained friends. best friends. his bad drinking habits continued and I couldn't stand how he would talk to me, so i learned to argue back finally... and in this time of being "independant" found someone else. Someone who treated me way better than he did. It was then that he realized what he had, and that he was losing me. He begged, pleaded and tried his hardest to convince me to come see him, hang out.. anything. I refused. I told him no and that he didnt deserve me in his life after how terrible he was to me in the past. He told me he had changed (but I heard that 1000x ) and he wanted to make sure we never had a bad memory again, he wanted to heal the pain hed given me in the past. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and " if he dated anyone else, he'd just be settling". I stood my ground and said no. i wouldnt even visit. Eventually I blocked him from calling me and texting me since he was drunk one night and when i told him i wouldnt visit he joked about dying and said " when i go, wear blue to my funeral" it took a while after that for us to even speak again.. and even then it would be quick, i would be mean, or only a quick snapchat back and forth.

Then one morning one of my friends messaged me asking if he was okay, and i was at work.. I checked his facebook only to see a post from his brother that he was in the hospital. I instantly unblocked his number to text him and say please tell me you are okay. Shortly later his sister in law called me. He had passed away last night. I didnt even know what to do. Now it's almost been 3 months that hes gone and i CONSTANTLY think about him. Day and night. My heart is broken and i cry everyday. I don't want to live without him for the rest of my life but I would never make the decision to take myself from this earth. I often look at our pictures, listen to our songs, watch videos of him telling me he loved me when we dated, and read our old messages to each other. Part of my heart was buried with him and I don't know how to heal and I just want it to be okay eventually. I try to stay positive but it just does not work. He wasnt perfect and neither was our relationship, but that was my heart.

[bunnyanddove]

I'm so sorry.  This is a hard time and it will take time.  He knew where your heart was.  Remember that.  Even if it wasn't perfect or you weren't talking, I'm sure that he knew how much you cared.