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One month ago tonight, I lost my cat Thunder


AutumnNight

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I adopted 2 cats 17 years ago, Thunder and Lightning. Lightning is a light cream color and Thunder was pure black. I have loved them both like they were my kids and best friends. Thunder was scared of almost everything and everyone. Even though I had had him since he was about 8 weeks old (So I don't know where he got his being scared of everything from) he would run from everyone. He'd stay in our bedroom and under the bed most of the day unless I came in there and at night. For 17 years he slept on my left side as close as possible to me. He'd wake me up trying to get me to pet his head. If I cried he'd come onto the bed and lay in my lap, 

 

I think what got me is that he was so scared and distrustful of most things but he loved and trusted me, for whatever reason. He'd come out and play with the string on a stick if I waved it around. The last few months of his life he seemed to get more comfortable being out a little more, he'd lay in the window in the bedroom and look outside or lay on the floor in the sunbeams or even just lay on the bed instead of under it during the day. 

 

I had noticed he had been walking oddly on his back legs for a month or so. It would come and go so I thought maybe it was just the cold weather/arthritis. I got him some vitamins to help with that. He seemed normal otherwise, still leaping onto the bed when I'd get in it, eating, drinking, using the litter, etc. 

 

Then one night he didn't come to bed to sleep with me. I barely slept at all that night, I don't know why it worried me so. Occasionally he wouldn't sleep with me and I wasn't worried. Maybe I knew instinctively, I don't know. I even got up around 4:30 a.m and shook his favorite treats to make him come out from under the bed, which he did.

 

The next day I was weirdly worried, again he didn't seem that off or anything but I just was. That day my car broke down and I was like "This is the worst day ever!" lol but I didn't know how bad it would be. That night, around 10:30 I went into my room to check on him and I shook the treats and he came out from under the bed, except this time he was dragging his back legs behind him. He couldn't use them at all. I picked him up (I didn't even let him finish his treat and I feel guilty about that because that was the last treat he'd ever have) and took him downstairs to my husband and we took him to an emergency vet. They took him to the back and when the vet came into the room to talk to us it was all bad news. All of it. We talked to him for hours. I didn't want to put Thunder down if there was any chance at all we could save him. The vet said his liver was failing, he had cancer, tumor on his liver, on and on and on. I didn't even know he was sick. He said Thunder's nails and inside of his ear were yellow because of jaundice because of his liver. I looked at his nails and ears when he said that, I still couldn't see the yellow. I feel so guilty, I should have seen it. 

 

The Dr. said they could keep him that night, give him fluids and meds and he "might" make it through the night. But he said there was no good outcome, regardless of what we did for him. He said everything was shutting down. I asked if we took him home would Thunder just fall asleep and pass away or what. He said they could give us some pain meds for him and there was a slight possibility he would pass away in his sleep but it was more likely that "his death won't be peaceful" and he said he'd start having seizures and be in more and more pain. He said right then, he wasn't in much pain, more just feeling weak and stuff but that night had been the tipping point and Thunder only had days more, if that, painful days.

 

It was the hardest thing ever, ever. The dr. was so wonderful, he let me ask as many questions as I wanted as many times as I wanted. I said I didn't want to go home and wonder if we could have saved him but didn't, and he said no, there was no good outcome for this. So my husband and I held him and I sang him a song I always sang him, and he purred. He wasn't a hugely purring cat but he purred. And when they gave him the first shot to help him go to sleep before the final shot, he looked around for a few minutes before he fell asleep. And then he did and I gave him a ton of hugs and kisses and kept saying I'm so so sorry.

 

At 1:11 a.m on December 23rd they gave him the final shot and he was gone. He's been my best friend almost half my life. He trusted me when he wouldn't trust anyone else. He knew more than anyone else in my life if I was sad and needed comforting. I think that's the biggest part of his. He was the little runt of his litter, trusted no one hardly and I always wished he could have come out of his shell and had a happier life. So every night he'd leap onto the bed to sleep with me, even when he'd take up half of the bed laying sideways I'd always let him because that was the time he seemed so happy and at ease. So I feel like he trusted me so much and I killed him. I know in my heart it was for the best and yadda yadda but I still feel like I ultimately killed him. He's been there for me during some of the worst times in my life and I killed him. I miss him so much. His name is Thunder but I also called him Bunny. I can't get the image out of my head of him crawling out from under my bed, dragging his legs behind him. I can barely stand to look at that side of the bed now. Sorry for the long long post. Tonight was one month since that night and no one else here seems to think it's a big deal and I just went someone in the house by myself to cry and I found this board so I decided to spill my guts here. Thanks.

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I'm so sorry!! :( I just unexpectedly lost my cat, pigeon, last wedensday. You didn't kill your baby. I am still grieving and its hard for me to think clearly about my situation but from reading yours, it sounds like you did what was best in the horrible situation you were put in.

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I'm so sorry!! :( I just unexpectedly lost my cat, pigeon, last wedensday. You didn't kill your baby. I am still grieving and its hard for me to think clearly about my situation but from reading yours, it sounds like you did what was best in the horrible situation you were put in. I understand the guilt. I feel a huge amount of guilt surrounding my cat.

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I totally know what your feeling. I lost my Buttons a little over a month to cancer as well. I too had to put her down which was such a horrible experience. It's been a little over a month and everyone around me seems to be going about their lives like nothing has happened. If it was a human death people would be soo much more comforting but it seems people just don't get what our furry friends mean to us. Last week was the first week I have stopped crying non-stop since it all has happened. But I still feel just as lost as I was when it happened and miss my cat every moment. Something that has helped me in this process is that I set up a memorial spot for her. I have her ashes back so I have a table right now dedicated just to her with flowers, her favourite toys and treats, and lots of pictures. I don't plan on burying her ashes until late Spring so I've decided that I will keep fresh flowers on this table until then. It's so not he same but it's been helping me get a bit of closure and still be very connected with her. I'm in this mindset where I just wanted to pay tribute to her and I don't care how nutty I am about it. It will be the last time I will be able to dote on her and I want to just go through that process. Every morning I say hello and every night I say good night.

 

Let yourself grieve in your own way and if you need to cry just get it out. Don't feel guilty for Thunder's death. Cats are very good at hiding how they feel. Buttons did the same thing and in retrospect really even if I knew much sooner there would have been nothing that I could do and the result would have been the same. Celebrate Thunder's life and remember how special your cat was and will always be to you.

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