R.I.P Mom

[carlysweeney]

August 11th, 2009 will be 1 year since I lost my mom.  She passed away from septic shock, and alcoholism.  These past 7 months have been really rough on me.  My mom and dad split up when I was 9 years old, and from then on she was never in my life.  She moved away with her new boyfriend and my 3 sisters.  I kept in contact with my sisters, but my mom was always too drunk to talk. 

Finally my mom just basically gave up on us, except our youngest sister who was too young to really decide.  I didn't have contact with my mom or my youngest sister for almost 7 years.  She took off and moved to Pennslyvannia and really didn't want anything to do with us.  Its definately hard growing up without your real mom, and feeling that she didn't love you, or want you.  I grew up hating my mom because she was never there and cared about drinking more then her kids.  I know its a disease that some people can't control, but when there is kids involved, you would think that some people would control it.  When I finally got back in contact with my mom, she was sicker then a dog.  She use to be so pretty and have life to her, but when i saw her for the first time in 7 years, I almost couldn't tell it was her.  We kept in contact off and on, and then I got pregnant in July of 08.  I told my mom and being that she missed out on my older sisters first child she didn't wanna miss out on mine.  So she moved back here to New York to be with the family and be there for her grandchildren. 

My mom moved up here on August 9th, 2008 and she died August 11th, 2008.  She had a stroke, and she went 23 minutes without air to the brain.  it was hard.  I still have nightmares of her laying on the hospital bed and watching her die.  Me and my 3 sisters sitting there, as they had to take her off the cooling system that was keeping her alive because they did all the could for her but she was already gone.  Watching her heart beat hit 0 and then flutter back up, haunts me to this day.  I've never watched anyone die before, and it was definately something that I would never want to see again. I have a lot of anger towards my mom, and I really wish that I didn't but it just won't go away.  When she died, I use to go to her grave everyday, and sit there and ask her a bunch of questions.  why weren't you there, why didn't you care, what was so important about alcohol... and I'd bring my sonogram pictures to her grave.. And then when I found out it was a boy, i rushed there to tell her because it was her second grandson... I'm not sure why I always wanted to tell her these things when she was never there.. Maybe because this is a time when most girls want there mom there.. I'm not sure.

I just really miss her and wish that I could talk to her one more time.  To make everything okay, and make my hard feelings for her go away.  It takes time I know that, but it just seems to be getting worse instead of better..

[kattieeeee]

Hi Carly, I'm so sorry about your mom. My mother too died of alcoholism, though when she was much older than your mother and I was much older than you. Nine years later it still haunts me.

In your situation, I would strongly suggest you get some professional help in dealing with it. It's hard enough to accept when you had a normal relationship with your mother, but to go through what you did and then to lose her, I think you could greatly benefit from some help and guidance in dealing with it.

It doesn't even have to be a professional, just someone older and who you trust. Good luck and I'll keep you and your mom in my prayers.