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It's the 5th month... how I'v been dealing with my grief


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It was our 21st anniversary five days ago. On the same day, it was exactly the fifth month of his passing. Yes, it's been 5 months now, and I still miss him like crazy... especially during the night. This has been causing me to have insomnia.

 

I wanted to celebrate our anniversary in his favorite restaurant for lunch, alone and sad... We used to go for lunch there just me and him for our anniversary while our son was in school. However, there was something very important came up, so I couldn't go to the restaurant alone that day. Instead, I brought my son there for dinner after my son's school. It turned out kind of nice, my son loved the food and I enjoyed his company.

 

The life still has no meaning to me and I can leave this world any time to join with him. I am not afraid of death... Meanwhile, I am just living on the life for my love... he told me to live on with my life for him..., and I am focusing on my son and my career to keep myself busy. It's better this way and it does help for the time to pass faster. That's right, "being busy" is the pain pills for me....

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I feel the same way.  Being busy holds the pain at bay for some of the time. Its like a fake life.  Nothing means anything but I just keep on moving and doing because I know he wants me to be alive even if I don't want to be.  Sometimes I get mad at him; it is so awful without him here and he would want me to stay and endure it?  So I yell at my house and then cry because I can't even be mad at him.

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It's been over 6 months my life without him... I am still busy and having a pile of craps I have to face alone in my life. I am not too happy about it...

 

I often think, is this unfortunate event going to make me a stronger person? Am I afraid of future? I don't know... but I know I can still cry and scream any time because I have a big open wound in my heart... Right now, I'm just going to focus the moment... what do I need to do right now? What is coming tomorrow?... (sigh)

 

But, something is sure that one day passed, then it's one day closer to see my beloved him again.

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It's been 2 years and 2 months today for me.  It didn't make me a stronger person nor did it make me not afraid of the future.  What it did do for me is make me get back in touch with who I was before I was married.  That young, single woman who had bright plans for her future, wasn't afraid of anything and was incrediably strong.  Its almost like I took the before marriage me and worked all the lessons learned in with her and that is who I am today.  You'll never stop missing them, in fact I had a minor melt down yesterday.  But I'm forging ahead now, making new relationships and planning my future.  I know it doesn't seem like it but it will get easier, I promise you.

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I am rolling to the end of my 4th year and this last year I have been focusing on myself and thinking of the future.  I was thinking of the things I used to do way back 35 years ago when I was single.  I am getting along and making plans for the future.  Initially I was concerned about being alone, but that concern is no longer there.  I was vulnerable right after her passing, but now I am finding my own space and time.  I am feeling more comfortable in my own being. I would welcome companionship, but not an intrusion into my space.  An addition too or complementary to my life would be welcome.  I will always consider my wife my best friend, but not such that I cannot live or move on without her.  I think that she being my best friend is a good thing since we all have a best friend that is our go to guy for a comfort zone.  So, she is mine.

 

I have been ridding my house of clutter and things that are old or not used or not needed anymore.  This helps me become minimalist or the way I was when I was single and looking towards the future with wide open eyes and a sense of excitement.  Actually, I do not have TV or any time wasters in my life. I read alot and work and get outside as much as I can. I am planning on a few canoe trips this year and riding the MC and going a few places.  None of this was of interest a few years ago, but now I feel released to some extent.  I still get emotional sometimes but I work my way thru it.  

 

This works for me and I had to work thru this alone as there was no support from anyone.  Those that I thought would be around are not around.  So what! I got along and am making my own new way.  It is different for some folks.  Some got married within a year and some jumped right back into relationships, but I wanted to get clear and get thru the grief period and start something new.  So here I am....hopping along.....

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Thank you all for sharing your experiences.

Many new members who come here are often asking the same question... how can I cope with my grief? I thought by sharing my experience here will help those with painful loss. I hope everyone will walk away from the shadow soon, and will continue the adventure on your own... Because someday, I will reach my destination and I will see my beloved him again, and then I will tell him all about my adventure.

Embrace the life and cherish the memory...

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The 8th month has passed, and the heartache is unbearable still...

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mysouliscrying

I lost my true soulmate last August. She passed away in my arms after being run over as she was reaching for me. I really am in trouble mentally. I still feel so unbelievably sad. I feel lost. Not sure what I can do. My circumstances are such that I don't really have any one to talk to about this. I have two daughters that are keeping me from leaving this place. I need some ideas on how to cope.

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mysouliscrying

I lost my true soulmate last August. She passed away in my arms after being run over as she was reaching for me. I really am in trouble mentally. I still feel so unbelievably sad. I feel lost. Not sure what I can do. My circumstances are such that I don't really have any one to talk to about this. I have two daughters that are keeping me from leaving this place. I need some ideas on how to cope.

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Mysouliscrying...

I'm very sorry about your loss. You are in the right place if you need to talk to someone. Let go your feeling and share your story here, and people here understand your pain.

The way I cope with my pain is to keep myself busy and to let other things to occupied my thoughts. It can be any thing such as reading books... I know it can't completely ease the pain or make you miss your loved one less, but that's something we must go through. I still have my break down time to time, and when that happens, I take it and let it go... cry, scream, or do nothing just let the time to pass...

My hubby wanted me to live on, and he's sent messages to me from the other side... (sounds crazy, but it's true...) I'm living on with my life for him... until the end, I will see him again... Let me ask you, if you were the one left her, would you want her to living on with her life happily or sadly? It's up to you and it's your choice.

Mysouliscrying, you are not alone... I wish you the best, and I do mean it. (hugs)

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