still in mourning

[imanisworld]

That is a natural reaction. My boyfriends mom died on 8/8/06 on the day that my mom and I were driving back from our family reunion in Chicago. (As you can see we did a lot of traveling) both by car and airplane. We traveled all over the world. I am glad that I was able to take my mom (in 2005) to Greece, Rome, and Turkey. Her dream was to see Greece ironically as she always used to say "I want to see Greece before I die". Anyway, back to what I was trying to say about my boyfriend. His mom died and he handled it pretty well. I think it is different for men when their mothers die. People, including him, have said I understand what you are going through because they lost their mothers. But I kind of feel like unless you lost your mother in a tragic accident that you had, you don't completely understand. They may understand the loss but not all the feelings that go along with it. I think each persons experience is unique. Just as I found myself saying to my coworkers daughter the same thing that people said to me. I told her that I understood how it is to lose your parent unexpectedly and suddenly. While that is true, the day my mom died and a few weeks after I immediately thought that it would be easier for me to deal with had she died of something not related to me. I still think that that is the true. Because with my situation not only am I dealing with the lose of my mom, I am also dealing with my role in her death!

I am not sure if I will go to the event, but it is a possibility. I live in Georgia.

[butterfly13]

I understand what you are saying-I can't imagine how you are feeling,having had that terrible accident,my heart really goes out tou you.My ex had lost both of his parents a few years back,he also seemed to handle it very well.I guess maybe because he was the youngest of six,his parents were in their 80's when they died,and his older sisters always were like a mom to him.Wow,it is wonderful that you and your mom got to go to all those beautiful places together-great memories,but now I know they also must be painful.

[butterfly13]

I understand what you are saying-I can't imagine how you are feeling,having had that terrible accident,my heart really goes out tou you.My ex had lost both of his parents a few years back,he also seemed to handle it very well.I guess maybe because he was the youngest of six,his parents were in their 80's when they died,and his older sisters always were like a mom to him.Wow,it is wonderful that you and your mom got to go to all those beautiful places together-great memories,but now I know they also must be painful.

[butterfly13]

I understand what you are saying-I can't imagine how you are feeling,having had that terrible accident,my heart really goes out tou you.My ex had lost both of his parents a few years back,he also seemed to handle it very well.I guess maybe because he was the youngest of six,his parents were in their 80's when they died,and his older sisters always were like a mom to him.Wow,it is wonderful that you and your mom got to go to all those beautiful places together-great memories,but now I know they also must be painful.

[butterfly13]

I understand what you are saying-I can't imagine how you are feeling,having had that terrible accident,my heart really goes out tou you.My ex had lost both of his parents a few years back,he also seemed to handle it very well.I guess maybe because he was the youngest of six,his parents were in their 80's when they died,and his older sisters always were like a mom to him.Wow,it is wonderful that you and your mom got to go to all those beautiful places together-great memories,but now I know they also must be painful.

[butterfly13]

So sorry my last post posted 4x's!!!I don't know what happened.

[imanisworld]

We both enjoyed traveling. I do plan on going to West Africa either this year or next. Probably next year. I have been to South Africa but would really love to go to West Africa.

[butterfly13]

Good for you,that sounds great!Will it be hard to go without your mom?Their are a few things that me and my mom loved to do together,I'm still not able to do them without her.You said you are on a waiting list for a baby,were you going to adopt from this country,or another?I had wanted to adopt from China,but just recently they changed their law and won't adopt to a single person.

[imanisworld]

Well when I went to South Africa, my best friend from college and I took that trip. My mom did not go on that one because she did not want to go. So I will probably go with my best friend or boyfriend. It probably wont be until 2010. I am waiting for a domestic infant. I am not adopting internationally.

[butterfly13]

Was your mom always supportive of you adopting?Mine was.When I tried to have my own,she would come to the Dr.s with me.My Dr.loved her,he would say-your mom is so great and so supportive of you,I want to make her a grandma,I just wish things had worked out,she would have been soo happy!

[imanisworld]

[user=20463]butterfly13[/user] wrote:

Was your mom always supportive of you adopting?Mine was.When I tried to have my own,she would come to the Dr.s with me.My Dr.loved her,he would say-your mom is so great and so supportive of you,I want to make her a grandma,I just wish things had worked out,she would have been soo happy!

My mom wanted me to have my own, but supported my decision to adopt. It seems to be taking such a long time because I am single, so she will probably get her wish and I will have my own baby. I just have to convince my boyfriend to do this. He has two children (twins) from his former marriage and is just not that into having another child. But I am thinking now more than ever that I want to have my own. I want to see if she or he looks like me or my mom or anyone in the family. I am sure that he or she will! My mom had a favorite name for a boy (so I will use that name) and if it is a girl I will use my moms first name as a middle name. But she already knew I was going to do that. That was the plan for when I adopted.

[butterfly13]

My mom was so excited,she would call me constantly with new names for boys and girls.We both agreed on a girls name and a boys name.We had the same taste with practically everything.When the fourth invitro failed,she said "Don't worry,we will adopt one,either way we will get our baby."Adopting now,for me,probably wouldn't work.I know they like to know that you have alot of family support to help out if you are single,and sadly I don't have much family at all.How old are your boyfriends twins?Do you see them alot?

[imanisworld]

The twins (a boy and a girl) are 17. Soon to be 18 and graduating from high school. I see them quite a bit, but not as much as I would like to. Can you believe that I have known them for many years. I have known the twins since they were 8. My boyfriend and I were just platonic friends for 2 years before we became romantically involved and as you can see have been romantically involved for several years with a 2 year period when we were not together.

[imanisworld]

Today is my mother's birthday. The first birthday since her death Jan 22. It is such a hard day because we used to spend it together doing something.

[butterfly13]

I know it's a hard one.How did you do?What did you do?I remember staying home that day,by myself,so whenever I wanted to cry-I did!

[imanisworld]

It was not as difficult as I thought it would be. It was a little sadder than the other days have been, but not as bad as I thought. I got a lot of calls from friends and family. I am just still taking things one day at a time.

[suelowe]

I'm going through a rough time at the moment, I feel I need support. It's nearly Mother's Day. My mother passed away 5 years ago this month and my step mum feels I 'should be over it by now'.  I've just gone back a bit as I feel rubbish.  I miss my mum so much. Does it take 5 years to 'get over it'? I think I'm learning to accept it but I don't think I'll get over it.

I don't want to speak to or see my step mum, not even on Mother's Day.  I love her dearly and she taught me a lot when my mum had her own difficulties, but I just feel numb at the moment. She's quite opinionated and she said she dosen't want me to fall into a depression.  I don't feel depressed, but I do still feel the grief. Why can't she see this?

Sue x

[imanisworld]

[user=11250]suelowe[/user] wrote:

I'm going through a rough time at the moment, I feel I need support. It's nearly Mother's Day. My mother passed away 5 years ago this month and my step mum feels I 'should be over it by now'.  I've just gone back a bit as I feel rubbish.  I miss my mum so much. Does it take 5 years to 'get over it'? I think I'm learning to accept it but I don't think I'll get over it.

I don't want to speak to or see my step mum, not even on Mother's Day.  I love her dearly and she taught me a lot when my mum had her own difficulties, but I just feel numb at the moment. She's quite opinionated and she said she dosen't want me to fall into a depression.  I don't feel depressed, but I do still feel the grief. Why can't she see this?

Sue x

Everyone grieves in his or her own way.  Only you can determine when you are done grieving.  I personally don't ever think you get over a death, I believe that you just learn how to go through life with the perminent scar.  I do hope you feel better.  I know today was especially hard for me because the weekends were when my mom and I spent most of our time together doing activities or just hanging out together!

[butterfly13]

I agree,you can't make yourself stop grieving for your mom-if it was only that easy!!Maybe it gets a little easier with time,but I don't know if it ever really goes away.The people who don't understand this are usually the people who haven't gone through it.My accountant told me today that her son died 30yrs.ago,and that it might as well been yesterday because she still misses him and thinks about him every day.Weekends are also the times I miss my mom the most,me and my mom did everything together on the weekends-I miss her soo much!

[suelowe]

Hi Butterfly13,  My step mum lost both of her parents around 1992/1993, but I don't think she can appreciate that people grieve in their own ways. It does get easier (thankfully but it depends on the individual) but I still feel sad around anniversaries/birthdays etc.  I think I'll be selective in what I say to my step mum, a lot of the time we have to agree to disagree to keep the peace.

I just don't like Mother's Day and Father's Day because my parents aren't here, and now I'm being moaned at by my step mother.  She says I'm still stuck in the past etc, she has her opinions and she'e entitiled to them, just like I am. She's had a lot of influence over me and I worry about what she thinks. Which is why I don't really want to see her this mother's day, and that probably sounds quite selfish, but I want to spend it doing my normal things and going to Church etc.

Sue x

[butterfly13]

suelowe- I think you should definitely do whatever you want on Mothers Day,anything that gets you through that tough day.You would think that your stepmom would understand having lost both her parents.Do you think she is a little jealous?Even though your mom is gone she may feel resentful that you still care for her,and miss her.

[kattieeeee]

My mother died 8 years ago and my father died 32 years ago and I've yet to get over either of them.

You never get over it, you just learn to live with it.

[butterfly13]

I was afraid of that!

[suelowe]

Hi Butterfly13,

Do you know, other people that I've asked regarding the behaviour of my step mum, those people have said what you've just said, that she could be jealous. I've never asked her about how she feels, like the jealousy, when I talk of my mum.  She understands that I love my mum, it's a different love from the love I feel for Chris (step mum).  She understands that, but she gets annoyed or wound up when I talk about grieving for my mum. 

My mum had difficulties with trying to bring me up and managing home, and I understood why chris got very wound up when mum couldn't bring me up properly, but she's told me a few times how she feels about mum, she said things like 'she's a fat lazy bitch and I've got no time for her etc'.  I know why she said that but I don't think she had the ability to give her a bit of understanding, as I found out mum suffered with depression, and I've read a bit about depression, the effects it can have, and sidebar to that I'm looking to be a therapist as a career perhaps.  I know where Chris was coming from, but at the same time she was talking about my mum and I was trying to please both of them.  She still has those comments now sometimes even though mum has been gone 5 years this month.  My therapist told me that's it's ok to still miss her, she was my biological mum, we had that closeness of mother and daughter.

I'm sorry for going on but it's just conflicting feelings still going on in my head between chris and my mum. It's things like this that inspire me to understand more about mental health issues. But, thank you for your kind words of support they mean a lot to me.

Sue x

[butterfly13]

suelowe-It does sound like your stepmom is jealous of how you feel and grieve for your mom,especially if she so often talked badly of her.Depression is such a hard thing to deal with,someone who suffers from it can't just snap out of it,no matter how hard they want to.They often get referred to as lazy.Your poor mom,suffering from depression and trying to raise you-sounds to me like she still did a good job,you sound like a very caring,compassionate person!Good for you wanting to be a therapist-I bet you will make a great one.Your stepmom probably doesn't realize that we always will have that special connection with our birth moms-the moms that raised us,we will always love them,and not want to hear anyone talk badly about them.Does your stepmom have any of her own biological children?

[suelowe]

Butterfly13,

From what I found out from people who gave mum help for home management (although some failed miserably), she did have a few phsycological problems where people said she was selfish, slow and had a lot of control over my welfare when she and my dad split when I was little. I don't want to go too much into it but some of her behaviour influenced me a bit, and that's why now as an adult, I've had about 6 years of therapy to try and unravel what was going on during my childhood years.

I understand where Chris is coming from but I don't think there's a need to belittle her even though she's now gone. I get those mixed feelings of, 'I miss my mum, how do I deal with these strong feelings?' And there's also the 'oh god, I'm still hearing bad things about my mother, how do I deal with that also?' So it's a bit of both, and it's getting sorted through therapy. Yes, Chris's biological children are still alive and grown up, and they've had an idea of what we (me and my mum) went through.

I can't help missing her, and my dad at anniversaries though, I just want my step mum to have more of an understanding towards my mum cos she was still a person, she was (and is) my mum, even though she did have difficulties.

Sue x

[butterfly13]

suelowe- I'm sorry you had such a hard childhood,but it sounds like you are a smart person and recognized the need for therapy.I'm an Occupational Therapist and work some of the day in the Psychiatric unit.We see some people who were physically and emotionally abused by their parent,and you know what?They still love them!I guess that bond is something hard to break.Your stepmom should understand that by putting your mom down and calling her nasty names only makes you want to defend her(especially since she is no longer here to defend herself).Yes,you will always love and miss your mom,true love is un-condtional!

[imanisworld]

Hi Butterfly13,

It has been a while since I sent you a message.  I just got a call from the social worker at my adoption agency.  She said that there is a possible birthmom that wants me to parent her baby.   When I got the news, I had many emotions.  I was scared, sad because my mom will not be here to experience this joy with me, and then when I learned of the baby's due date I was terrified.  Then I was happy because I have wanted a baby for such a long time. The baby is due on April 21 (three weeks from now).  If I am indeed picked by the birthmom, it will all happen so quickly.  I am going to have to find someone to care for my child, because the plan was for my mother to do early retirement and care for her grandchild.  She could not wait!  She wanted to be a grandmother more than anything! Although I am happy about the possiblity, I am very scared because I will have to navigate such big "waters" all alone.  I am also not sure how this is going to be since I am still grieving my mom's death.  I wonder how many other people got pregnant, had a baby, or got placed by adoption shortly after a loved ones death? And how it was for them?  I know that mostly it will be bitter sweet, but I have never had to parent  or do something this important while still mourning.  As you know this will  be my first parenting experience!

[butterfly13]

OMG!What news!!!I can definitely understand how you must be feeling,bittersweet is the perfect word.Wow,and the baby is due very soon.When will you know for sure if the birth mom picks you?I know I would be scared and sad too.My mom also wanted to be a grandma soo bad,she was so excited over the idea,that now I just can't imagine not having her here with me if I did have a baby.I was also relying on her to help me alot by providing daycare,for me,the idea of now paying for daycare would now change alot of things for me,also,I knew my mom would have cared for my baby like it was her own.But than again,so many people now have to put their babies in daycare.A friend of mine lost her mom 6mths.after she got married,she had a baby 2yrs.after her moms death,she told me that she went through really bad post partem dpression,and it made her miss her mom so much.She said she still cries all the time,when she sees her son do something new,she wishes her mom could be there,she wishes more than anything her mom had gotten to see her beautiful son.She also gets jealous when her mother-in-law comes to stay and gets to enjoy her baby(she feels it should be her mom).It's such a hard situation.

Maybe your mom has something to do with you possibly getting this baby?Maybe she is helping you from above?It sure is nice to think that way.Please let me know what happens,I hope you do get this baby if you feel you are ready.I always feel like if it is mant to be,than it will happen.I know that it obviously wasn't meant to be for me-but at least I tried too!

[Kelly]

Guess who is traveling the farthest to our reunion?

It's Trudi.

Trudi is traveling all the way from Australia to Minneapolis, MN for our Beyond Indigo reunion in August!

If Trudi can make it, so can you! 

Come check our reunion page: http://www.beyondindigo.com/reunion/

Hope to see you there!

[Kelly]

The family and friends of Beyond Indigo would like let everyone know that Dawn Fisher (moderator of the Beyond Indigo message boards) lost her husband on Wednesday morning.  JD's death was an unexpected complication of surgery to remove a tumor.  Our most heartfelt condolences go out to Dawn and her children.  We know that there is no better place for Dawn to receive support than through these boards.

The online obituary for JD is here: http://fisherfamilyfuneralhomes.com/obits/obituaries.php/obitID/307941

If you'd like to send her condolences, you could send her a private message on the boards, visit the above obituary and sign the guest book (starting on Friday) or send materials to

Fisher Funeral Chapel & Cremation Services

1801 Chase Road

Logansport, IN 46947