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Lost Dad and Dad's best friend


fallonwoods

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So, I am 22 years old and 2 years ago, I lost my Dad to a long battle with cancer.  We were very close--I am his youngest daughter of 5 girls and 3 boys. 

Last week, his long-time best friend, also my godfather and the person who stepped in when Dad passed away, was lost unexpectedly.  From what we can tell, he suffered a heart attack in his bathroom and did not contact 911 but tried to go back to his room and go to bed.  My brother found him unconscious.  He lingered for almost a week before passing away.

Losing Ken was like losing my father all over again.  I cannot describe the amount of pain I'm feeling right now over this loss.  My sisters and I spoke at the funeral and I guess that day was really the day that it hit me that Ken was gone.  Since then, I've milled around my apartment not knowing what to do with myself.  I cry on and off all day.  I find myself crying at the oddest things...sometimes over sadness for my father and sometimes for Ken.  Sometimes I don't even know which I'm crying for.

I hurt all over.  The pain is physical.  My heart hurts.  I feel this aching in my chest and i feel like this pain will never go away.  There's that lump in my throat like I'm going to cry all the time.  Today my sister came over to return a shirt she'd borrowed for the service and when she gave it to me, I broke down.  Totally lost it.  She ended up here for almost 3 hours.

I don't understand why, of all of my siblings, I am the one who seems unable to handle this.  My brothers and sisters...they face all of this so well.  They are brave and even though they shed tears, they can move on.  I feel like I left my entire life in a hole on Wednesday.  I buried Ken with a picture in his pocket of my dad, him and myself when I was about a year old...we're in the pool in the backyard and they are just playing with me in teh water.  That picture kind of sums up a part of my life that is over now.  These two men were the first men in my life and the people I looked up to, the people I trusted to tell me the truth when my brothers teased me, the people I trusted to mend my broken heart over boyfriends...and now they're gone. 

I just feel this incredible sadness that I cannot shake.  I'm writing this at 1:10AM and it's because I cannot sleep.  Instead, I think about these losses.  I think about what my life is now...it's like I am having trouble with identity as a result of losing my Dad and Ken. 

Maybe this is all ridiculous.  I don't know.  I just don't know how to move on right now.

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I'm so sorry that you are going through so many losses,especially at such a young age.You definitely are not being ridiculous,you're just being human.You lost another close person in your life,and it's going to be a long,hard road.I lost my godfather who was also my uncle 7yrs. ago,than lost my father(his brother)3months after that.It was one of the hardest times in my life.The only thing that made me feel somewhat ok,was thinking that they were once again,together-they were extremely close brothers.My mom passed last June,and I found the loss bringing back so many emotions of losing my dad and uncle.Losing our loved ones is the hardest thing to go through in life,don't be so hard on yourself,allow yourself to grieve.I will keep you in my prayers!

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I want to share with you an article i just recently finished and posted to my blog. Although my situation is quite different then your you might find some help from the words i have written. I wish you all the best and know that many many people knwo what your going throught and everyone is wishing you the best. Floow this link to the article http://rob-somethingaboutnothing.blogspot.com/2009/01/for-my-dad.html

Robbie

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tanmanmymagicman

robbie; you should be a writer;  you are a brave sole; I would say you have broken open and are letting it all out.  way to go; your friend; cindy; Tanner's mom forever; You are still young enough reinvent yourself; remember $$$$$ isn't everything; you have it all ; you have not lost a child.................trust me

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[align=center]SAVE THE DATE!![/align]  

We are excited to meet you!! Come join us at the Beyond Indigo Reunion!!

 

When: August 14th through the 16th,   2009. We suggest you arrive the night of the 13th.

Where: Minneapolis, MN

For Who?: All Beyond Indigo members and people healing from grief and dying journeys. This means YOU! If you know someone who is not a member invite them along!

 

We will be having speakers, social networking, opportunities to remember our loved ones and just a plain good time.

 

More details (schedule, pictures of the location etc) will follow in the next 7 to 14 days.

 

We need at least 25 people to make this event possible. We hope to see as many of you who can make it!!!

 

Have questions? Please post in the Beyond Indigo Reunion Forum at  http://beyondindigo.com/forums/view_forum.php?id=83

 

Kelly Baltzell, MA

President

Beyond Indigo

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