It's been a year and the pain is still "fresh".

[staria]

I came across this site by fluke.  I was looking @ another forum and someone posted a link to here.  Where I followed it I browsed around and thought to myself:

"hey, this seems like a good place to seek help and support with the stuff I am/have gone through." 

After reading a bit more I realized I HAVE BEEN TO THIS SITE!! LOL Goodness I even replied about the loss of my brother.  I was actually looking for the site I posted it on.  I forgot where it was but remembered what I said.  I looked back @ what I posted a year ago and I had a rush of the same feelings I had back then.  I was so scared, sad, let down, hurt ect ect... very mad too.  But not @ John (my brother) I was scared to be mad @ him. 

Anyhow, a bit of an update,

My brother was 32yrs old when he passed away on Jan 5th 2008 due to a drug overdose.  My mom was actively using drugs along side him and togethe rhtey had alienated themselves from everyone around.  When he passed though she was @ her place and he was @ a local rooming house with some "friends".  His actions let to his departure from this physical world. 

At that point I was really scared for my mom.  I knew either she would "see the light" or join him.  It took until March 5th to get her in a treatment centre.  (She wante dto go but no one had room or would allow her in while on certain meds she needed.)  Mar 5th she called and got let in.  We (my dh and I) kept tabs on her before she was able to go and even drove her there.  She was in the program from Mar - June ,in the end she graduated the program and has been living a "normal" life for the last *almost* year.  She has a lot of "down" days but she is working @ it.  I hope this continues for her, for us all. 

I have been alright.  I have been trying to deal with this loss.  I don't know too many who have had a brother/sister die in such a way, usually it is car crashes/murder or something a long those lines.  At first I was very embarassed to think drugs could affect MY family like this.  Wasn't it only the "bad" people that had stuff like this happen?  only on tv....right?  Nope.  In time I realized this has happened for real, to me and my family.  We did nothing wrong.  John made the choices he did.  All we can do is learn from him.  He had a bigger heart than almost anyone I know.....so he was not a "bad guy".  It took a long time for me to keep this in my mind.  I thought that if people knew exactly how he died they would reflect is on me and think that was my lifestyle as well, especially since my mom was in the same circle.  I was wrong, if your in the same boat thinking the same thing your wrong too. His life was just as important as you or I.  He mattered.....especially to me. 

Our whole family has come a long way in this journey.  All we can do is move forward.

A year ago I had no idea how I could make it past the week, nevermind a year.  Here I am - a year later.  

[tcampione]

I'm so happy that you are doing ok and that your Mom has received the help she needs.  Staria, it sounds like you're a pretty amazing person to have been able to go through all of this and come out the side still sane.

I think most people would have crumbled.  God bless you...  you've probably saved your Mother's life.  And I bet your brother is very proud of that.  You have honored him in your kindness and understanding with her.

/*tom*/

[staria]

I am really thankful for this place.  Usually I jot down thoughts ect.  Re my bro though, I just don't.  I post some on his site but no where else, really.  I just came back to this post...although the pain is still here...I have learned to cope.  My mom is doing good.  Grief is getting her some days but that is not something I have control over.  I just wish her peace. 

I see a lot of my brother in my son.  For those with kids...look and see.  It is amazing what characteristics come through.  Instead of making me sad or cry, it gives me comfort. 

  I wish I could have fixed him...I wish he didn't leave so broken.  My heart gets pretty heavy sometimes.  I miss him so much. 

*sigh*

anyhow...3 really good songs that keep me going.

Held

When I get where I'm going

Amazing Grace - My chains are gone

My heart with everyone in this forum.....ty for being a place to come and release

[annabanana]

HI Staria...

 

   I am soo sorry it's such a tough time. I too lost my brother to a drug overdose at the age of 34. I miss him soooo much. he died december 28th 2006. I found a letter I wrote to him on his 1 year death anniversary and thought I would share it with you. We think a lot alike and wanted to send you BIG HUGS and a cyber shoulder to cry on. ( )(((HUGS))) Stephanie

Well, Christopher, we've all had a year to process your departure and what it means.  A year to accept that you're really gone.  Twelve months to convince ouselves that you are in 'a better place'.  Three hundred and sixty-five sunrises knowing you won't be here to share another day, to be a son and uncle and brother, nephew and friend.  Just as many sunsets reflecting on how much we all miss you and wishing for just ONE MORE DAY.  In everything we do, you are there.

Please Chris, send your broken family some love and some positivity.  We all grieve deeply, but in our own individual ways.  The thing that I miss most is the laughter.  The gravitation toward  comedy, even when things looked bleak.  We always shared sarcasm and black humor.  You always made me laugh at myself when I needed to.  I want to hear you burst out laughing SO BADLY.  Mostly, I want this past year to be a nightmare I awaken from to find out that everything's ok.

One year ago, almost to the HOUR, I got the phone call that changed all of our lives forever.  Since then, we've all been to hell and are fighting to make our way back to a life significantly diminished without you.  I can honestly say that I am not afraid of death anymore, because it's the means by which we'll reunite.  Nightly, I look up at the stars and feel you there, so vast and free, so mysterious and calm.  I want to believe that you are happy now.  Are you?

I want to tell you that despite the tears that flow endlessly, if you are happy and 'at home' now, then I'll be happy for you.  I'll NEVER stop loving or missing you.  It's very important to me that YOU know, along with everyone else, that your LIFE WAS SO MUCH LARGER, SO MUCH MORE than your death or the circumstances surrounding it.  Your legacy will NEVER be overshadowed by your sudden departure.  I know who you were/are - you are loyal beyond measure, you are FIERCE.  You are a friend.  You are the champion of the underdog, the defender of the defenseless.  You are charming and clever and witty.  You love the innocence of little children.  You hate injustice.  You become blinded to a person's faults when you love them.  You'd have done ANYTHING for me or my kids, regardless of consequence.  You are a sensitive, considerate, beautiful being that this world needs MORE of.  Every time I think of you, I remember the crazy little guy pushing all of dad's buttons, and then of the handsome nurse that loved his babies with exceptional depth.  Oh, how I miss you SO.

See you at the cemetary today.  Help me put this day behind me and move on in your name.  I want you to be proud of me.  Until we meet and laugh again, I miss you every minute of every day.  We all do.

LOVE and XOXO Stephanie

[munclessister]

Hi All,

I first want to say that I am so sorry for all of your losses. I too, just lost my brother 2 months ago, to a drug overdose.

I hadn't spoken to him in almost a year, due to some troubling circumstances he had put himself in. I didn't love him any less, and when we got the phone call, I rushed to the hospital. I stood by his bed for 36 hours after they pronounced him brain dead, but his heart kept beating and his body kept breathing until he took that horrible last breath. I know it is so early still, but I am so sad by all of this, I never got a chance to forgive him or tell him how much I love him.

I hope to talk to more of you on here as time goes on.

[donasalazar]

so sad, yet happy, to think I'm joining one of these sites.. but have been searching for a good site to just download my brain! I, too, have lost the life of my little brother by suicide...except it was almost 4 years ago now. It seems like as soon as you come to grips with one thing...another TRIGGER sets it off again. On April 18, 2006, I found my little brother Scott hanging from his garage as I went to make sure he was ok. He was in my care at the time, and had only left my home to take a shower and had an hour to be back at my house. I had a 2 year old and a 3month old baby when it happenend..AND BY ALL MEANS..THANK GOD for the little people in my life to help distract me from all my thoughts. Long story short for now..he suffered from an nervous breakdown/anxiety from his job. Scott was such a smart man who self taught himself to write computer programs and was in the midst of creating his own..to this day, have just found someone who could read the program. Anyways, his perfectionistic attitude got the best of him. While not wanting meds for his depression, he lost the LOVE of his life, and then decided to take his own. "Who does that??" I still find myself asking.. only to know the answer...my little bro. Needless to say, I have issues!! I am being treated for PTSD and find myself resenting him for putting ME on meds...I "was" the normal one, if you will. :X I understand, I will always have triggers, but is still hard. We went to support groups until we answered every question in our brains. To this day, I really think therapy wouldn't matter...it's about having others to confide in WHO TRULY understand what we r going through...

[donasalazar]

I'm hoping people who have lost sibblings by suicide still reach out to this site...I noticed dates are older, and hope to learn from someone in "my shoes"

[Kelly]

Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.- Facebook and Twitter Integration- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it. - Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible. 

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other. 

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA

CEO/President

Beyond Indigo Family