How do I live without my heart?

[bunnyanddove]

My fiance died.  He came home from work, we ate dinner, we watched tv, talked, laughed, we went to bed, we kissed, and he died. I heard him take his last breath and saw the life go out of him.  I can't forget it.  I feel like I'm living in a nightmare that won't end.  I keep thinking he is going to walk through the door or be just in the next room.

We just purchased a house two months before he passed away.  We were planning to be married that upcoming weekend because it was the winter solstice and he said it was the perfect day because ever day after that would get brighter.  We talked about our future kids and their names and the things we would teach them.  But instead of a future with the man I love, I have a house that is too big and full of memories and plans for the future and tools that I don't know how to use.

He was the best person I've ever known. He worked hard and could fix anything.  He fostered baby animals.  He would stop on the side of the road and fix a stranger's car and give someone a lift if it was raining or too hot or too cold. He was a jungle gym for his nieces and nephews. He danced with me everywhere from the kitchen to the aisle of the supermarket. He sang me songs and played guitar while I cooked dinner only pausing long enough to help chop the vegetables. He sent me mushy love notes every single day. There are so many things...

People say it gets better or easier.  That I'll be happy and find someone to love.  Its like they don't know what love is.  He is my whole heart.  How can I live without my heart?  How could I possibly be happy?  I don't want to marry someone else.  Have some other person's kids.  Have sex.  It makes me sick

I'm going to a counselor.  I'm going to a support group.  I have friends and family and my work.  None of it means anything. He isn't here. I feel numb and I feel pain.  Each day blends into the next and it feels like he died yesterday. How do people survive this?

[Plimsole]

Hi bunnyanddove. I'm so sorry you've found yourself here. Your fiancé sounds like he filled your life with pure joy and happiness. It's difficult when not only is the love of your life taken from you but the realisation hits you that life will never be the same. Your whole future plans are gone. It feels like everything you worked towards as a team is no longer an option and like you suddenly lose your identity.

Your heart is broken and in your mind, there's no logical reason for it, especially if there was no warning. I get it. I understand the pain of suddenly being alone. I have so many people in my life who don't understand and they carry on through life and expect me to just move on too. Sadly, I feel they'll never understand the intense pain, the emptiness, the confusion, the fear of the future until they encounter their own loss. Suddenly you have to wake up alone and everything you do, you do alone. There's a jealousy that appears when you see other happy couples, especially when they're the friends who don't understand.

I've had the same comments, about how I'm young enough to meet someone else and like you, it makes me feel sick. I simply want my husband back.

I won't say that you'll fully heal because I don't know if that is true. But I'll say that you'll adjust. You won't move on, but you'll move forward because that's what time does whether we like it or not.

How are you getting on with the counselling and support group? Do you have the support you need from your family and friends?

Take care and keep posting. Everyone in the 'loss of a partner' section gets it.

[bunnyanddove]

Thank you for writing back. I'm trying to use all of my supports but it feels so hard. I'm just starting with the group and the therapist but I hope it will help.  I'm trying to make little goals or plans for tomorrow. I'm crying a lot.

 

I wish no one had to go through this

 

[HeyJude]

Bunny - you are so early on into this horrible experience.  You don't need to be making any plans other than getting through the day.  You don't even have a month yet.  It is going to get harder before it feels like its getting any better at all, sorry.  I hate to say that but its true.

 

This is such a profound experience I seriously don't know if I ever want to get close to another person again.  I can't imagine having to go through this again, I really don't think I could.  I have two years under my belt now and I try so hard to try and be the same person I was when my husband was alive.  It's hard but it does make it easier.  In the beginning I would pretend a lot, like he was away  visiting someone or in another room etc.  I tried to go about my life exactly the same way I would had he been here.  I still do that to a degree plus now I've added trying to do things that would make him proud.  I'm lucky in that I had 32 1/2 yrs with my husband and he taught me so much.  I actually have used several things he taught me and it makes me feel good.  I know that he is so proud of me.

 

Don't be too surprised if the therapist doesn't help.  No one can even begin to understand how this feels unless you have gone through it yourself.  A support group of widows would be good or us here.  We totally get it.  It really is more than just the death of your spouse/partner, it is a death of your "self" as well.  Life as you knew it is suddenly gone.  That doesn't happen when you loose a grandparent, parent or sibling.  The only thing that can come close would be the death of a child.

 

Anyway, stick around.  Your in for a long long ride and we will be here to try and help.

[finding and believing]

It has been three months since my husband passed.  I agree with HeyJudd in saying not to plan anything - just spend the time and energy mourning him.  I think of where I was three months ago and can't believe I got through each day - but I did.  Yes, it does not get easier, but it gets different. Hope my thoughts help.

[bunnyanddove]

HeyJude and finding and believing, thank you for writing.  About the planning.  I feel like I have to.  I have to make the plan or choice to get up or take a shower or eat.  I have to go to work... which is awful.  I have to say "i am going to do this" because if I don't do that I don't know that I'm going to make it.  There isn't any purpose any more. I know I'm supposed to care about family or friends or something but I don't.  I know that he would want me to be happy and have some kind of life and I want to honor that so this is what I'm trying.

[HeyJude]

Like I said, all you have to do today is get up and do whatever you absolutely have to do, be it take care of kids, take care of personal business, go to work.  Some things you just can't put aside.  And if something doesn't get done...too bad.  It will wait, it will be there when your ready.  The shock hasn't even worn off yet, you are still going on auto pilot.

 

I got a week off work.  I was mad as hell because I knew I needed more time.  But something else knew that being at work was exactly what I needed at that time.  I was able to focus on other things, for short spurts only, but I was able to do my work.  I cried a lot while at work.  I told the girls that I will be crying a lot and they totally understood.

 

I still cry but not that much at all anymore.  More and more I am able to remember the good times, the memories and I can talk about him without cracking.  There are more smiles than tears now and I am so blessed to have had the time that I did with my husband.  You'll get there honey...you will, it just takes time.