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My dad is dying, and I am so scared.


Emma

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We have known for about 9 months now that he was very, very sick. But the doctors gave us a lot of hope in that he was a great candidate for a life-saving transplant. Now, with a quick downturn in his health, they are giving him just a few more weeks at most to live. 

 

This has been a very long, and horribly sad year for everyone in my family. Watching a loved one suffer is un-describable, and with it happening over the holidays, it makes everything feel even more wrong. We were lucky enough for my dad to be in a good place for two days, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. With some extra effort, we brought him home for those days from the hospital. He had to have a full time nurse with him, which made it a little uncomfortable and different from what we are used to. On Christmas day, we let the nurse go home for four hours, so she could be with her family, and we could have some quiet to ourselves to open a few presents (we didn't do much this year- nothing under the tree, just a few things in each stocking), and to have our traditional christmas dinner that we do every year. For those few hours, things felt normal.

 

From then until now, things have gotten a lot harder. He has made the decision where he wants to be buried. A few days ago, he told my mom he didn't want to fight anymore. Today, we chose the hospice home in which he will die. He isn't very responsive anymore, and looks very bad. He used to be a big man with the thickest mustache you had ever seen (just like one on a walrus). He is now half my size, and covered in massive bruises- because he is so sick that with any bandage or needle, his skin bruises or tears open. His mustache is so thinned out, and they trimmed it way back in case of him needing tubes. Never once in my life, even before I was born, has he not had a thick mustache. I can't even recognize him anymore. 

 

In two weeks, I am supposed to transfer colleges. I have never been there before, and will be going in totally blind. I made the choice to transfer a few months ago, so I could be closer to home. But I don't know anyone there, and it will be at the same time as the most difficult time I have ever faced. My parents both said that no matter what, I needed to go and continue my life. I already took last semester off of school to do an internship and be more accessible to my family. On one hand, I am excited to start somewhere fresh as a college junior. I will do a sorority rush which starts the day after I get there, so I have something aside from classes to keep me from sitting in bed all day. But at the same time, I feel guilty for being excited about this new chapter in my life. I know my dad wants me to keep living and be happy, but it is so hard.

 

I feel so much fear, sadness, guilt, anger, and hate all the time, and it is getting so hard to cope. It has been so bad, that I haven't been brave enough to see my dad in a few days. He isn't concious anymore, and I know I should be there and sit with him,. but I just can't. I drive up to the hospital with my mom, and end up sitting alone in the cafeteria staring numbly at a cup of tea. I feel so guilty, and I don't want him to think that I don't love him or want to see him, because I do. I love him so much, and I'm terrified and I don't know what to do anymore. 

 

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I really feel with you. I too watched my dad going from a strong man to nothing. The last period for him was in a special part of the hospital only for end of life support. The staff there were really great, and the place was nice. We could come and go as we wanted.

Seeing him suffer the last parts of his life was hard, specially since that is what he feared the most. He was drugged with lots of morphine, and I know he did not suffer, but it was hard for us closest to him.

I was there when he died, a very sad but special occasion. I am glad I was there, and i would never have chosen differently.

 

As you stated, your father wants you to move on and enjoy life. Do that, but also remember what you are going through now. You will not forget, but it's better to keep it in mind than try to forget. It will not make it easier to process in the future. I am having a tough time since a week before christmas, and my father died almost two years ago.

 

Is there a reason why you do not want to see him?

I believe he can hear you, and sense that you are there. It may be comforting for him to know you are near.

I suggest you try to see him, if only for a few minutes. It's hard to do, but I do not think you will regret it in the future, but you may regret not doing it.

 

 

Stay strong

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I am so sorry for both of your losses.  I too watched my dad get progressively sick and pass away.  Not an easy thing to say the least but grateful that I was able to be with him through his journey of leaving us and moving on to a much better place.  Like signal, I believe that my dad heard every word I spoke to him during his last hours.  Although he could not respond he took his last breath after I told him that it was OK to leave us and that my siblings and I would be OK.  I believe that is what he needed to hear to let go and be reunited with my dear mom who left us only 11 months prior to my dad's passing.

 

elousia, it sounds like you are doing a good job in getting through these tough days and I am so happy that you and your family were able to have your dad home over Christmas because that was a gift!  

 

Those feelings you are feeling are perfectly normal given what is going on but you will get through this one day at a time.  Keep coming back here for support as the good people here really do care.  We've all been through the loss of a parent and can relate to what you are going through.

take care

Cindy Jane

 

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Elouisa, 

 

I'm so sorry for what you are enduring. I understand how hard it is...the wanting to be there, but not be there.  My mom died almost 4 months ago and it was so extremely difficult. She was the most full of life and energy person I knew! She was my best friend. We would talk every morning on the phone (and throughout the day) - and spend every Sunday together.

 

 She went very quickly- within two months. I stayed with her every step of the way and held her as she passed on. So many times I wanted to run from the room because watching her suffer was horrific and I didn't want to witness it. My sister (my only sibling) died in 2011, at 34 years of age and the loss devastated my mom. I had to be there for my mom as hard as it was. I lost my step-dad two months later- he committed suicide. The only thing I know is God has not abandoned me...we have to rely on our faith to get us through and not lose our joy and happiness in the storm.  

 

If you can, as hard as it is- be there for your dad, hold him close and talk to him...he only has a short while and he can hear you. My mom woke up before she passed away. She said she was going to dance with Jesus! Whispering to her, singing to her and holding her were a gift and a blessing from God and I'm so glad I was there!    She passed Monday morning, Sept 8th 2014 at 6:30AM. 

 

Praying for you and your family! God Bless! 

 

Stacie

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Elouisa,

I'm so very sorry for your pain. I too have sat by my mother's bedside during her illness, and eventual passing. It was the hardest, saddest, and yet most beautiful thing I have ever done. I understand how you find it hard to see him this way, and there should be no judgment or guilt if you are not able to be with him. It's very hard. You are so young. Your dad will know that you love him.

That said, I would encourage you to think about taking this time to sit with your dad, to hold his hand, to talk with him. You will never get this time back. I remember when my grandfather died, my mom said she crawled into bed with him one night when he was in the hospital. I wish that I would have done that with my mom. I dream about laying beside my mom one more time. But, I sat by her side, I tried to memorize the feel of her hands, the color of her eyes, the lines on her face. In the end, she woke and we had the chance to talk with her before she passed. It was hard, but I am so glad we did it. I thought it was such a gift, to be able to be with her as she passed. She brought me into the world, and I was honored to hold her and love her as she left.

For school, I will say to you what the counsellor said to me at this same time... You are only at the beginning of this journey. As hard as that is to believe, having spent the past year watching your dads illness progress, you are really only at the beginning of this grief journey. You will learn that you can not run away or distract yourself from your grief. Starting a new school may be good... But you will be surprised at how much time and energy you will need for your grief. Give yourself this time. Be kind to yourself. If it means lightening your load or taking another semester off... Don't feel bad. You have been through a great trauma, and it takes time to heal.

Hugs to you. Know that you are not alone. Others have lived this experience and although it's hard, you will be ok. Take the greatest care!

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carolann12345

Elouisa I am so so sorry about your father.  Please spend as much time as you can with him and try to remember all the good times you had together. I know it is so hard for you as I lost my Father when I was seventeen and it was such a shock when we were told he only had seven weeks to live as he had lung cancer and the doctors could not help him. I still miss him and think of him every single day. I remember the day trips we used to have, I remember running up the street to meet him after he finished work, I remember all the holidays we had together as a family with my Mom and my Aunt Lizzie. I remember all the good times we had together and that is what you need to focus on all the happy times and know that your father will always be with you no matter where you are or what you do. He loves you and he knows you love him. It will be hard for you it always is when you lose someone you love but they are always in your heart and they will always be there no matter what. You will do well at college and if there are days you cannot cope just know that your father would want you to do well in life and that he is proud of you. Please take care of yourself

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