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Grief and the Court System


avc2003

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Hi everyone,

I am new here. I just found your site from a lady in Crisis grief and healing.

Mine was a violent loss. Patti 37 was killed by her bi-polar sister Chris 35. She also shot her father and was going to shoot me. She had never been violent or threatening to any of us before that night. Will never understand the why's of it.

This happened 5-6-99 and I have survived so far. These last holidays were harder for me for some reason. Patti had our only grandchild and he was 16 when we lost her. He is now in the Navy in Sicily for 6 months and was not home for the holidays either so they were very lonely for us.

Jeni

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{{{Jeni}}} ~ I am so very sorry for the tragic loss of your daughter, Patti. What an incredibly difficult ordeal this must be for you. I hope that you have received love and support through these past years. I usually post on the Loss of Adult Child forum and invite you to join us there, where wonderful, warm, loving parents will open their arms to you with great understanding and compassion. I have lit a candle in memory of Patti, and in honor of you for surviving and coping with your tremendous loss. My prayers are with you for peace and comfort.

Love & Light,

Roslyn

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Hi Roslyn,

Thank you for responding.

I went to adult child but really meesed up. Did not see the reply button and pushes another and it copied another e-mail 2 times. Sorry.

Who have you lost if I may ask. How long has yoyr grief journey been.

I know the first 2 years for me were the worst and a lot of them a blur. But reality does set in and you have to make a decision at that time whether you want to live or die as those are the only 2 choices we have.

I am going through a lot of side issues with my daughter in prison. I know she did a horrible terrible thing and I hate what she did!!!! but I do not hate her. I do not know how to hate my child. I have always loved them unconditionally not that what they do or did is something I approved of.

She is bi-polar manic depressive. The judge said she is mentally ill not insane so they sent her to prison where they are treating her awful and not seeing to he medical needs and mental needs. She is suicidal a lot. Right now she has fibroid tumors and cysts that they finally after 4 months discovered while she has been in horrible pain from them. She is still in pain and they are going to check her blood again and another Ultra sound but that all takes so much time and she is suicidal from the pain. She has a very high tolerance to pain and alwyas did so if she is in tears and talking about killing herslef it has to very bad.

I am doing what I can getting a advocacy group involved and the Office of Public Health for prisoners but that is all I can do as I have no rights. I just do not want a call that she is dead either by her own hand or from her female problems.

Sorry this is long but it is very hard not having people to talk to that can understand the loss of a child let alone violently.It helps to talk to other who have lost a child no matter how it happened. WE are the only ones who really understand that our lives will NEVER be the same as long as we live. We are different people today and we do not ever get over it or get closure. I have just learned to live around the hole in my heart.

Jeni

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{{{Jeni}}}

After I complete this message to you, I will copy both of your posts here in the Grief/Court System forum, and paste them to a new message in Loss of Adult Child, so that I can introduce you to everyone there. Don't worry about pushing the wrong button, and you certainly do not have to apologize for anything! It takes awhile to figure things out here, and it's really easy to push the wrong button.

I can't imagine the nightmare you have been through, Jeni. With Chris' diagnoses, she should be in a treatment facility, and her medical care should be a priority. Have the prison physicians suggested anything to help her with her pain? Is she allowed to take any pain medications? Is surgery to remove the tumors and cysts being discussed? Are they all aware that she has suicidal thoughts associated with her pain (and likely with her neurologic conditions)?

I'm glad that you are enlisting the aid of advocacy groups and the Office of Public Health. Although you feel that is all that you can do, it is still a great deal. And it is help that Chris wouldn't otherwise have without your intervention.

Of course you love Chris; she is your child. And you must know that her illness caused her behavior, especially if she hadn't previously demonstrated violent anger. Many antipsychotic drugs list violent behavior and suicidal ideation as side effects. Has this ever been considered with Chris as an explanation for why she suddenly turned violent?

Sorry, I seem to have so many questions. Please don't feel obligated to answer any of them. I certainly do not mean to pry. I'm only trying to understand the situation a bit better.

In reply to your question of me-- My 32 year old son, Michael, passed away May 30, 2003 from septic pneumonia and an intractable seizure disorder. He and his older brother (by 1 year 4 days), Jonathan, were born with an undiagnosed progressive neuromuscular disease, which resulted in severe developmental disabilities. My husband and I provide Jonathan with full time care, as we did for Michael.

You may notice that near the user's name in posts there is a button titled "Profile." Some members have information in their Profile about themselves and their loss(es). If you click on my Profile, you will see what I've included about my family.

Now, I will post your messages from here on Adult Child, so please feel free to give it a try there again!

I'm sending you healing energy and prayers for your peace and comfort~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

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Jeni...I can't say anything that Roslyn didn't say and she said it all so well. I just want you to know that I sit here with a heavy heart, for you and for all of us that have lost a loved one/Child. You were correct when you said that it didn't matter how we lost our child, the end result is the same...our child is gone from our lives.

As for loving Chris...how could you not. Chris is your daughter and you lost her also on the same day you lost Patti, maybe not in the same way, but in a very tragic way. You may still have Chris's physical self here, but your daughter has still been taken away from you.

My thoughts and hugs are with you

Denise

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Allyson, As for my son, he actually had signed up for the military...he wanted to follow in his dads footsteps and go into the USMC...however, he broke his back about 4 months prior to his start date. This, obviously messed up a carreer in the military. He is now looking at going to a IT/Technical school. His dad is a business owner within the IT industry and is actually so desperate at this point for employees...they have more work than they can handle (just about) and at some point he will need to leave his business to someone...why not his son, his only surviving child? So, Brandon has a long way to go, he will need education in programming and business and many other area's, but I believe he can do this.

As for your son dreaming, thinking and probably eating football, oh can I understand that. At that age Brandon was there also, with his dad egging him on. But, as you said, you then need to get through driving and when that happens they seem to grow up over night. Girl friends, guy friends, all the other things that they didn't realize was out there in that big world.

Of course I thing about you and Will constantly...I hope for nothing but peace to you and lots of little hello's to you from Will.

Denise

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It has been over 6 years for me but it took more than 4 years to finally get my daughter Chris before the judge and thank God she pled guilty so we did not have to testify against her and go through a long agonizing trial. I do not think anyone knew what to do with her because of all the mental involved. It would have been awful for us and for Jimmy, Patti's son who would have had testify against his Aunt who he had been very close to.

I did not lose my husband and the doctors said it was nothing they did. He should be dead or crippled for life but except for scar tissue that is slowly closing the opening to his upper intestine and will have to have surgery someday he is doing remarkably well.

Jimmy is in the Navy and is in Sicily now for 6 months and he is 23 alrready. He is a very nice young man. No drinking, smoking, drugs and he does not sleep around. he wants to save it for marriage. He says it is like playing russian roulette these days with aids and all the other std's. He tell everyone and is not ashamed of it but very proud of it. He is a Christian and has been since he was 5. WE are and were Christians when this happened and both my husband and I are even stronger in our faith today. It is still hard on us but we do not have to go it alone unless we choose too. That is how I believe and no one has to agree with me but that is what has kept my sanity through this horrible grief journey I am traveling over the last 6 years.

Jeni

He is 65 and I am 64 and the girls were 37 and 35 and Jimmy was 16 when this happened.

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jeni, Thank you for sharing the information with us, it sounds as though you are/and should be, very proud of Jimmy. As for being a Christian, we all need the support of something and I am so glad you have your faith to depend on, for some of us our faith did not withstand the tragidies we have gone through without shaking a bit. I have to assume that you will either become more devout or less and I am hoping that in the future mine returns to the "more"...currently it is a bit shaky.

My thoughts are with you.

Denise

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Denise: I think your son's plans sound great!! What I would give to be at that point in my life again, with the exception of knowing everything I know now,of course,--LOL--

How are you?? Been doing well I hope. You and your Bridge pop into my head from time to time and I always send some positive thought/prayer and sometimes just a simple hello. Things are pretty much the same here. As you know, depos start 2/24--and I think about it everyday, fear mainly. Fear that I will lose it in anger or sadness, fear that I will answer the questions with such force and hatred the room will rock. Just scared. Attorney advised no Xanax--which scares me, because I don't want to panic myself into a flip out, they have forewarned me that it will be rough. All my mental health records have been turned over, so my attorneys assume they are going to pinch at me a little in that area. I jst don't want to re-live all the days Will was alive. I mean, it is not like I don't think of it everyday, but speaking out loud to a bunch of attorneys is not my cup of tea. Enough of me--let me know how you are...Allyson

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Hi Allyson-I am doing the same as always, just a day at a time. The attorney's on the case are taking the RR back on Feb 13 to force them to set a date for Depo's. They have been effing around and refusing to commit to dates...it is just so frustrating, knowing that the RR can afford to drag this out forever if they want.

I don't understand why the attorney's would advise you to not use Xanax...I'm afraid I don't know much about the drug, but would assume that it is a little bit of sanity for you. Do they want you to be a blubbering idiot? Actually, I would assume that would look good for your case; "See how badly she is doing?" kind of statement, maybe?

Take care and keep posting so I know how it is going.

Denise

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Morning All,

I dealt with the court system for over 4 years before Chris was put in to court before a judge. I think I told you she pled guilty and that saved a trial and having to testify against our own flesh and blood which would have been devastating to us even though we knew she was guilty and mentally ill.

My heart breaks for all of you who are caught up in what is called our court system as it seems that the one who did the crime has more rights than the victim and their families. It is backwards to me.

We became friends with the victims advocate after and he always kept us up with whatever was going on and he visited Chris and let us know how she was doing.

He is also the Mens Chaplain there at the jail in Tavares so he is always there and knew what was going on. I do not know what we would have done without his

help. He also would take my grandson out to lunch or come by the house and visit with him. He was 16 when we lost his mother and his aunt.

Know I care, Jeni

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Hey Denise, Looks like we might be sharing depos around the same time...won't that make for interesting conversation...sad.

Attorney says no to Xanax because he wants my mind as sharp as possible, but to be honest he could not tell if I was on it or not. It simply mellows you and reduces the anxiety you feel. I am seriously debating on taking one anyway, I mean I work, do every day things, I can converse with people. It does not make you a slumped over, drooling mess...Attorneys---Either we love them or hate them. Let me know if you can pin down the RR, they can only run so long--chicken shits,in my opinion... Hope you evening is kind to you. Talk soon!! WillsMom~~Allyson

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Hi to all new folks/Moms---Never meant to be rude; your stories would be nice...if you can... I always Yap at Denise...probably drive her nutts...Hello and welcome to all...WillsMom

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Denise...I was trying to get my house together, and was cleaning out my night stand and came across a photo of Will in Tallahassee, and just freaked...could not breath, could only see straight ahead....just awful...I really do not think I will EVER make it through the court case, and I am just telling YOU this...I have not said a word to anyone...but I do not have it...I run my mouth about being brave and having balls, but I cannot see myself doing any of it... and it is coming...quick...I will be in front of lawyers and; I just don't see it...I flipped out at the picture of him---I am shocked at my need to quit....I cannot do it... I cannot have someone ask me anything...Geez--what a loser...I am just scared. I hope I will feel different tomorrow...but I doubt it...Between you and I---I am scared.Better go---hubby up---Advice??? Help??

Allyson

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Allyson,

I don't even have a clue when it comes to what you are dealing with. However, I was thinking (and I don't know if this is an option), could you write down everything that you need to remember so that you can always read from your notes if your mind goes blank? Just a thought. Or, are you talking about the feeling to "run" away once you are in court- I'm not sure what I would do if I were you and felt that way. It will be difficult and I want you to know that I pray for you to be surrounded with our love and strength and that you will be able to do whatever you need to do.

Peace to you, Tina

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{{{Allyson}}}~

Being scared and fearful is a normal, natural reaction to your situation. Try taking a couple of deep breaths and put yourself in a relaxed state, if possible. If you pray, then pray for strength and courage. If you don't pray, I just prayed for you.

Would it help you to focus your energy on why you are going through this entire legal ordeal? Remember the reason you are doing this -- for Will. You would do anything for Will. Move a mountain? Sure. Jump a tall building? Absolutely. Go to court and answer questions to which you know the answers? You bet. You can do this. You can and you will do this -- for Will.

And Will will go to court with you. He will be there right next to you. He will give you the strength to do what you need to do.

I suggest taking something special of Will's with you. Place it in a pocket, and if you feel frightened or stressed at any time during the procedure, put your hand in your pocket and hold that special item. That little bit of Will. That can be your reminder of why you are there and why you need to do your best.

That's all you can do--your best. Don't have extraordinary expectations of yourself. You are a grieving mother who has experienced tremendous trauma. Be yourself. And if you cry, you cry. The people in that court room will have to accept that crying is what grieving mothers do.

You've made it this far. You'll make it all the way. For Will.

Love & Light,

Roslyn

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Willsmom,

It is very nerve wracking and it takes your breath away to talk to lawyers but it helps to say to the people who need to hear what has been on your heart.I actually felt better after I sat on the stand and told the jerk who was responsible for my son's death what it has been like how horrible it has been and yes I cried but so did the court room.Life isn't fair and it isn't fair to have to reveal the intimate pain and agony of our soul to strangers but the cry of our heart needs to be heard and as hard as it was I would do it again so that the people responsible for the pain and agony that will be with me for the rest of my life will know when they pass me on the street that what they did was wrong.It is unfortunate that we are first victimized by our children's deaths and then further victimized by our legal system but we can't change either one.You will find the strength to do what you need to do .Laura

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WillsMom,

I didn't want to post on here, because you and Denise seem to have such a strong bond going, with all that you are both dealing with and all, but I have been reading all the posts and I want you to know how much i can relate to what you just went through!

We had court for the kid that gave my son, Josh, the methedone, and it dragged out for 19 months!

just last month we finally got to court and of all things, the kid plea bargained! He got off with just one year in jail and after that, 5 years of probation in which time he cannot skrew up or he goes to prison for the initial charges, which would be 10 years! I was satisfied at the time, but over the last few months, after talking to people, I have coem to realize that, like you said, our legal system sucks! People in this same situation as this kid, has seen others, "skrew up" and still not get any more time or serve any other consiquences for what they did! Probation is no longer anything major. They can't keep employees on long enough who do this job, to actually follow through with all these indiviuals and really care what they're doing! And unfortunately these people on probation know it!

I had to stand up in court also, and I read my Victim Impact Statement outloud to the whole courtroom! I was scared to death and did not want to break down, for fear of not being able to compose myself enough to finish what I wanted to say!

I too, did cry, but was able to continue and finish my statment! The room was also crying with me at the end! Alot of the people there were our relatives and friends of both Josh and our older son, Eric. Even the kid's family was teary eyed, but the person who I really wanted to impact, wasn't fazed at all! The kid just sat there. When he was given the chance to speak to us, he stood up, never even turned to face us, and said, "I'm sorry and I'll try and do better"!

That was it! Real heartfelt!!!!

It made me sick!

But I too, felt that I was there for Josh! We all were! In the end, his attorney still had a few harsh remarks that she got in, before the sentencing took place! How dare her say anything! They plea bargained and waived their rights to a jury trial! I dont beleive that they had any right to bring anything up about that night, especially at Sentencing!

I am glad that you feel good about getting through this part of your journey! Hold strong and keep going!!! It will be worth all of what your going through in the end!

Hugs to you!!!

Sue

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My Gosh---where do I start....Joshsmom, Tylersmom, mom2angels,Artina..I want to say that everything you guys said really has built me up---You all have spirit, soul,and a fighting sense of right and wrong...and I love it. Reading what you all wrote really made my evening...and I can do it...and I Will do it...You all are really a bunch I wished lived close..I cannot begin to say how ALL your words helped me---HELPED me alot...and I truly love you all for it...I needed it...and I am going to turn into the snot I have always been/can be---and open a can of whoop ass on anyone who tries to tread on me or my son.

I also, want to say, I am so sorry that we have to type things like this...but I could not have asked for better people to answer me... I have just found 4 new best friends...Denise too, so five---LOL

Thank-you all so much, I really needed every word each of you wrote...And please know I am here for you too...You all have NO idea how this has made me feel...Thank-you, just does not seem to cover it; and when I am sitting there being grilled, I will think of you all---and really get feisty...I will pray for all of us...PLEASE stay close, as from now on, I may have to take a roll call and be sure you all are doing well, or if not...then I will try to help...You all are wonderful strong people...Thank-you a million times. WillsMom~~Allyson

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WillsMom,

I am glad to see that what what said had helped you! I know it always gives me a feeling of being together, one large, strong, group of people, all going through this awful pain, but not alone anymore! Thanks to this site!

I wanted to comment to you about finding Will's picture while cleaning out the nightstand.

The morning of Sentencing, my sister, who is very close to me and was like a sencond Mom to Joshua, and couldn't be here for court that day because she lives a distance away from me, called me in tears the morning of court! I didn't realize why she was crying until she told me that it had been bothering her for weeks that she couldn't be here with us for the senencing. Just a few minutes before she called me, she had been looking for something in a drawer in her kitchen. All of a sudden she reaized that something had fallen out and onto the floor. When she picked it up, she said she almost passed out! It was a picture of Joshua when he was about 2 years old! She hadn't seen it there before and had no idea how it got there and why out of the whole mess of things in that drawer, this one picture fell out!

We both cried, realizing that it was Josh's way of telling her that he understood how much all of this was bothering her and we thought too that he was telling her it was OK! He is still here with us and even though she couldn't be here physically with me that day, she would be with me in my heart, just like Josh is!

I think Will showed you that picture to reinforce that he is around you too! Especially now with all that you are dealing with!

Our kid's are amazing people! I am so proud of Josh and all that he has done to show us that he is here and he is doing OK! That shows me how much he loves us and wants us to be alright too!

I am always here for you also! As much as I can help, I will!

Take care,

Sue

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OK...I am late to the party, I take one day off from reading this thread and look what happens.

Allyson, what a bunch of smart people you have posting to you. I can't agree with Sue more, the picture was Will's way of saying he is with you. And Sue, I almost cried reading about your sister finding that picture of Josh. How wonderful.

Our kids DO have ways to let us know that they are with us. I fell asleep on the couch last night and woke up at about 6am with my mind whirling, and while thinking I was transfixed to the pilot of the fireplace. When my thoughts went gruesome and I started thinking of the damage to Bridgette during her accident all of a sudden the pilot light flared...huge. This was at about 7am..so yes, I laid around for an hour doing nothing, just thinking and staring at this light. I honestly believe this was Bridge telling me to get off my A** and stop thinking bad thoughts.

Allyson, you can do this...as was said below; take a big breath and bringing notes is a great idea too. You may never need to rely on them, but it would be nice to have something to fall back on, just in case you need a timeline or something on that order.

Lots of hugs,

Denise

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I never know what I should or should not post...what may be found by the RR and used to there benifit. Isn't it awful to be afraid to post to friends how things are progressing? All I can say (because I have to say something) is that I spoke with our lawyer the other day and things are looking VERY good. He called me so excited about the progress of the investigation. I understand that he is not going to call and say, "Gosh Denise, things just look awful" but he was very upbeat, very excited and I have to believe that if it wasn't true he would have just not called...like the rest of the months that have gone by.

They are going to court on Monday to force the "other side" to give up info and to set/stick to, dates for the depos. The "other side" has been pulling our chains for quite some time now. They/we are hoping that the judge will notice these stalling tactics that they have been using and force this issue this time...if not, our lawyer will stand up and demand (politely of course) that these tactics be noticed.

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Sue--what a wonderful and really great way to look at that...a sign, that he is here and he knows...I certainly enjoy looking at it that way, and you are right; it was Will sending himself, the only way he could...just a reminder of why all of this is going on. Another positive outlook from a brilliant mind!.I wish you happiness over the weekend...Allyson

Denise-- I am so glad you are getting your answers and things straight...the RR is in for a little (HUGE, really) shock. Keep me/us posted, because I really want you to kick their heads off...LOL--Stay close and you enjoy your weekend too---Allyson

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{{{Allyson}}}

It's good to read the strength and resolution in your voice, and I'm so glad that I could help you get there. Sometimes we just need someone else to reinforce what we already know.

I generally post on the Loss of Adult Child forum, but I do read the other forums, and when I stopped by here and read your message, I knew you needed some sister-friend support. That's what this is all about...being there for each other.

Could you let us know the exact date when you will be going through this, so that I can be sure to focus my prayers and light a candle for you that day?

Stay strong! You are not alone!

Love & Light,

Rose

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Thanks Rose---a prayer and candle would be a nice thought to fall back on. I was told depos. start the 24th, but have not spoken with my attorney in about a week---I have been keeping my "head in the sand" over the up-coming proceedings...dumb, but I use to wish the days to pass quickly, now I just think---Oh, my Gosh--it is already the 11th/10th---whatever day it is and just think--here comes trouble...meaning depos. I am going to call him Monday and let him jsut give me the low down; solid dates and times...I go for a mammogram on the 20th, so this is a FUN month for me--LOL and teeth cleaning...February stinks... I appreciate the kindness and will post on Monday...I should e-mail him today, I would assume he checks his e-mail from home...chicken, I suppose---I just keep putting off facing it--don't want to go--but I will do it for Will and his life and what it should've been...I better not get to gloomy, it is a crappy, rainy, dark day in S. Georgia this AM... I will let you go, but I too will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope your Saturday is a light and kind one! Only the Best, Allyson

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Hi Everyone, I have been following up too even though I haven’t posted in a while. I just had my depo. And I freaked out. I was asked if I had been posting online or emailing about our “case” to anyone.

Denise, thank you for letting us know you are feeling and dealing with the same crap. Saying just enough but not too much. We all are. And we’ve all shared a great big piece of our hearts here as well.

I called my lawyer to tell him and he said not to worry. I did anyway…Now I just don’t care. How I feel now, will not affect how I will feel any other time.

My husband is next…just waiting for a date.

What happened to Kristian was not fair, and no matter the outcome, there are no “winners” . I’m not in this for a prize. Somehow I feel the point has been lost and this is a “contest”. I am very upset.

Anyhow, since I last posted, I’ve gone back to school full time to be an LMT and will specialize in medical aspects of massage therapy. A classmate and I are planning a trip this July to become certified in lymphatic drainage massage.

Also, it sounds quacky, but in class today…while going over “ethics and professional development” our instructor gave us all 5 min neck massages…she’s a nurse as well..She knows nothing of what I’m dealing with, but she knew all the same…We can all put on whatever face we’d like, but the body never lies…I’m tense, nervous and a mess…But I put on a great game face….

That is the basis for me taking doctors to court to PAY ATTENTION in the first place.

The first mother I met at Kris’ first chemo treatment, didn’t know us from a hole in the wall, came over hugged and kissed Kris, took me under her wing and reminded me every day thereafter that to “be aware is to be alive”.

At the time I was too shocked and upset to really take it in, but it’s so simple and so true.

Allyson, Denise, Rose, Laura, Tina, all of your words shared here are a gift.

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chels1003-I can't thank you enough for sharing. And...if you ever need to practice, you know, study for school, I am sure you could find lots of volunteers at this site. There are times that I have someone come behind me and try to massage...ouch. With the stress all right there it is sometimes painful.

Thanks for saying that you understood the concern about posting things on this site. There are some things that you need to say or just bust, but your afraid to post them because you may give the "other guys" a lead.

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To everyone posting here I just have to say that I have so much respect for the strength that you all show in the face of such adversity. I know that lawyers are a necessary evil and without them things wouldn't be accomplished. Their job is to make the opposite side suffer and when one loses a child that aspect of their job becomes very hard to take. One has to just stand up and not worry. I know how easy that is to say, but hard to follow. Just know you have a lot of support.

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Thanks again for the support. I was worried for me and for all of us posting here after my deposition. I had not realized the extent of what is involved during the legal processes.

I am glad to be back in school. It was a spur of the moment thing to stop into the college and apply. MT has been something I’ve been interested for many years so I figured what the heck. If not now when? Is there ever really a “good time” to do anything? So here I am. And you’re right, I have tons of volunteers…I’m excited about all of the new things I’m learning and doing it for reasons that make me feel like I can give back for all the great things my little girl was given during her cancer treatment. As much of a horrible experience I’ve complained of with the medical community…there are a lot of great things I’ve experienced as well. I’m just sorry I came to know the difference the way I did.

What we are doing is important.

My thoughts and prayers are with all of you…Take care

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Hello to all---I am having a hard time getting my attorney (Fla. one) to answer me on depos., prep days and what is going on. I have left voice mails, sent e-mails, and the SOB will not return any. I am about to send the e-mails I have to sent to the attorneys in Atlanta, and see if that makes a difference--like getting some answers to what I view as typical questions...I am just afraid something is happening that is not good, like a postponement or some other horrible thing--Why do they do this?? I think it is time to pull out the "bitch costume" and call with a little disgust and anger~~Nice and polite is not getting it---Advice?? WillsMom~~Allyson

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Never mind prior post...OB to be deposed the 28th---no date from the other side for us...which I find strange....I just want to sleep...Good night all. WillsMom~~Allyson

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All...it sounds as though things are heating up for all of us. Our depo's are to start the week of April 10 and the week of April 17. They had to go to court to force the issue, as I said on an earlier post. Well, it worked, dates have been set. That is just the beginning of the depositions, we are a long way's away from mediation and or court, that doesn't happen until next Feb and next May of 07.

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Hey everyone---got the "official" creepy letter today...what a nice surprise on a Saturday, even though I knew it to be fact..."She" is to be deposed as expected (the 28th) no, new news on us...and our depos.---I just want to crawl in a hole and die...TRULY---but I think of Will and the 35 minutes I spent with him and his eyes were open and he was looking around at all the crap he was surrounded by....I swear, I could just die, I mean --really just die--I keep seeing those eyes...just looking and looking...he was aware...he knew...anyway, I better go I am having rough time....I knew all this was going to happen...why do I keep seeing his eyes and his longing and his looking around????I have just gotten sad...very sad. I am sorry Allyson

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foreverchanged

WillsMom--

I was in your shoes a few years ago. I, too, still see my child's eyes as death came.

I had to go through the depo's, court and all that crap, too. Just keep your chin up and the strength will come. It's okay to cry, too.

You are doing this for your son and despite what it feels like at times, you will be able to stand under the load. You are a mom, after all, and you are doing this for your child! Though it seems that the load is too heavy and the road ahead too long, just know that when you are too weary to stand . . . just stand.

Remember that nothing is worse than the actual day they left us. I have found that my dread of the things involving the court and legal system was always worse than the actual proceedings. I hope that helps. Just know that many parents are praying for you and thinking about you.

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Foreverchanged: My, what kind and supportive advice. I have started back refeshing my mind, and researching all about Will's heart condition, trying to gear up for any questions they may toss at me. The last thing I want to hear come out of my mouth is "I don't know"---"I don't remember" I can handle, because some of it has either left me by the grace of God or I was just so out of it I simply do not remember, my sister remembers it all, and tries to shake loose some memories, but they just don't come, or it is just a flash...I am just trying to do the best I can for Will. Fight the good fight, so to speak. I would love to know about your experiences and you...and I so appreciate the thoughtfulness of your post. The people here are so nice and kind, never mean, or harsh---so many other sites are just out right cruel, almost like they like hurting one another... I say again, thank-you and I am going to keep my chin up, I can already feel that need to defend Will bubbling up--Trying to keep him safe, and his memory intacted...I have to go for a Mammogram at 10:20~~WHICH I DREAD~~ Anyway, take care and stay in touch and let me hear from you again...WillsMom~~Allyson

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Allyson, My heart goes out to you. Just remember, you may not be able to answer all the questions you are asked. If you don’t recall precisely at that moment then it truly is okay to say you don’t remember or can’t recall at that moment. All the answers you truly need are in your heart. The deposition is merely the first of many steps.

The reason I am going through all of this is to get answers, accountability I am looking for, as I presume you are too. For whatever peace of mind, if any, it will bring to me, to you, to all of us here. If there is any peace to find going through all this legal webbing.

Good luck with your “dreaded” mammogram appointment. It’s important to take care of yourself too, although easier said than done most times.

Take care and stay strong.

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Chels--you are right. Accountability is everything with me. I want the wrongs acknowledge and I do hope I find some kind of peace. Peace with the fact that I fought for Will, peace that his death was not in vain, peace all the way around so to speak. I am with you in your thoughts: they echo mine completely.

As for the mammogram, it was bad, but the worst part was the phone calling yesterday telling me things did not look right in either breasts, that "changes" had occurred and I go back tomorrow morning at 8:10 AM for another mammogram and an ultrasound of both breasts, and then I get to hear from the doctor exactly what he thinks is going on. I knew I was dreading going for the first one too much. With the luck I have I will be told I have six months...but I cannot feel anything in either breast. I have been praying alot, more than I normally do. I just wish it was this time tomorrow, and all was settled or close to being settled. Cross your fingers for me and pray. I want to see my living boys atleast into their 30's~~but I just have a funny feeling. I will stop. This is grief and the court sytem, not grief and breast trouble--LOL--

I hated to hear depos. were just the first steps, but how else does anything get started...with the first steps. Thanks for advice and kindness. I just love everyone here, and hope everyone is doing well. You take care and stay around...Have a nice Wed.!! Willsmom~~Allyson

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Allyson, this is grief of a child and anything you want to talk about at anytime, anywhere. You will be in my prayers I hope everything goes well and you get some good news. God knows we deserve it.

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Thank-you Kirksdad---I am so afraid and uptight, that I cannot sleep... I appreciate your thoughts and words, and I pray for good news...I want to let go of the feeling of doom, but as you probably know, it is hard to be positive after the death of a child. I will post what happens tomorrow, I just want to live for my boys...and it is so strange because a year ago all I wanted to do was die....and now I want to live, for them---Gosh, just let them hit my age...(37) and I would be so happy...Until tomorrow...Allyson

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Will's Mom,

I just wanted you to know that I will pray hard for everything to be fine when you go back for the next mammogram and untrasound! I wanted you to know that you are not alone and that I will be sending good thoughts your way!

Please let us know how it goes and we do care, everything your going through is important!

Take care,

Josh's Mom (Sue)

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All is well---they squished me like a pancake, but all was normal...I am soooo happy I cannot even put into words!!! I actually feel happy~~Thank-you all for your kind words and prayers....I truly appreciate them. God does listen. I am just so happy I could bust....Finally, life was nice to me. Everyone stay close!! And I hope everyone is doing well...Thanks again!!! I feel like I should throw a party...haven't felt that in a year and 1/2---WillsMom~~Allyson

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{{{Allyson}}} ~

Just stopping by to let you know that you are in my thoughts and to congratulate you on the good results of your second mammo. A precious angel named Will is watching over you. This good news portends better things for you. I'm sure your depos will go well. I'll keep watching here to see when yours is scheduled. Take good care of yourself.

Peace and comfort to you~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

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Allyson, I’m very glad all went well with the mammogram. It’s terrifying when things might not be working right. I have just begun catching up on all the appointments I cancelled over 3 years ago, when Kris was newly diagnosed.

I felt a lot like you say you had, that nothing mattered. I did not care…All that mattered to me for so long was how angry I was at what my little girl went through.

But it does matter and I do care. I would not have gone back to school, which was my first step in realizing I still had a lot in this life to give. It’s still a constant struggle.

I’m still very angry, but the priorities are different.

Screaming and yelling about what happened is not going to bring Kris back. Focusing on making a difference gives me purpose.

Yesterday was very sad for me. I bought a magic wand and added it to my collection of things that I will never be able to give to Kris. I bought it because that was what me and the doctors used to help get her through all the testing and treatments she went through. She had already had one. A glass tube filled with sparkling, stars hearts and colors to focus on while going through hell. Yet I had to buy another. I am sure I will buy one every time I come across them.

I wish I could buy real magic wands for all the children dealing with hellacious cancer. To take away all their pain. All the pain Kristian ever had to deal with. The pain I still to this day struggle with.

For all the pain it causes me right now, she believed in a tiny bit of magic when things were really hard for her. Whether she held on to that for me, the doctors or herself seems moot at this point. She believed in what she had to at the moment to get through. She was more aware than anyone on this earth that she was fighting for her life. And fight she did. To the very last day.

I will always love her for that. It is her gift to me. One never to be taken for granted.

I love and miss her more than I could ever convey in words….My tears are endless….my love endless….To this day, I would give my life to take it all away for her. Every tear of pain she shed and every ounce of energy she put forth to make us believe she was fine and she was going to make it through.

She hid so much pain from us because she loved us so much. I want her back, my heart aches so bad.

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Allyson, I stopped by hoping you would stop by and fill us in on how things went. I am so happy to hear everything went well. The last thing any of us need is to deal with a devastating health issue since our health isn't good anyway. Dealing with this is draining enough. Anyway, hope this takes a little burden off of your shoulders. Jim

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Chels ~ I just want to give you some of these {{{HUGS}}} I always aspire to be as courageous as my children, although I can't imagine every reaching that goal. May Kris' courage inspire you to go forward bravely to find your purpose, and even create your own magic in this world, in her name and honor. Kris is always with you. I pray that she will make her presence very known to you, and that you will find some comfort there.

Love & Light,

Roslyn

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Where do I begin...Kirksdad,Chels,mom2angels: cannot say or do enough...I was so touched, and this may sound a little nutty, but glad I have you all....Kindness and understanding goes so far...and you all are the best of the best...I do want to say to Chels...your story and the magic wand will stay with me forever...and when and if, I see one, I am going to buy it and place it with my Will...just because I feel they both were fighters...and fought the good fight..as much as we miss and long for them; they know....To Jim: I love you to pieces...you are a very nice man...Mom2angels...I enjoy your company too... I am going to relax and wait for the 28th...Please pray for Will on that day. I love and care about you all--more than words....Everyone type soon....WillsMom~~Allyson

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Allyson,

I haven't been here in a while and can see that you have been going through quite a bit. I wish that I would have been able to support you through it... I have been out of wack for a while. I am glad to read that everything has turned out in your favor (as far as your health goes). Good sweetie.

Peace to you, Tina

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Thanks Tina--and all did turn out okay...

The OB was deposed yesterday and she did admit fault, or "missed" seeing the order for the echocardiogram; but I am just so disheartened by the whole deposition. I wanted to true admission of guilt. My attorney said she squirmed the whole time and cried once, upon be pressed over failure to order the echo., and in "hindsight" she should've done it, but their side is still holding to the fact that it is not their "standard of care" to order such tests; even though it was requested. My attorney seemed upset about the cap on her insurance and the fact that in the state of GA. mental pain/suffering are not allowed in the form of damages...so it is back to the all mighty dollar...but what is money, anyway??? A big fat nothing. They cannot give me Will back, so who cares about money?? I want a(n) acknowledgement that she utimately caused his death, by her failure as a doctor...I know all the facts, she knows them, what is so hard about saying "I did it"~~I admit mistakes, hell, I will even eat "crow" when I deserve it, what makes it so hard to be a human being to another human being. This whole court thing has just mushroomed out of control. Nothing I wanted to accomplish is being done, and it looks like I am headed for a trial. A trial for my son who is dead and will never be back, a baby who suffered through a horrible time for three weeks, struggled to live....Does anyone think of him?? I do~~ I want to right the wrong, I want to hurt back...but it all boils down to money. Nothing will happen to this OB, MAYBE her premiums will go up, hell, maybe not. I am completely disillusioned, and I truly hate it for myself, for Will. Why in the hell do they bother calling it the Justice system???? There is none. WillsMom~~Allyson

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