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avc2003

Grief and the Court System

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Finding the legal system in knots when a child dies is nothing new. It is sad that the people commiting the crime have more rights than those the crimes were committed on and the families of those harmed. It will only change when parents take charge of the situation and go to the public with their stories no matter how hard.

Our story is more simple in the fact that our child was by himself and only harmed himself. Our son was drinking and driving and now almost 5 years later we are going to possiblely get ourselves into a situation to help others because of his bad decisions. His decisions didn't make him a bad person, he was a great kid, we loved him beyond measure, he just had some tough moments.

He wasn't wear a seat belt and if he had been he would have been just fine. He was only .01 over the legal limit, but it was painful at the time to find out all the problems that his drinking caused. I still have a hard time with wondering what I could have done to stop it, but unfortunately kids do have a mind of their own. Some decisions are not meant to hurt or cause pain, they just do. Now maybe we have the opportunity to stop this from happening to just one person if we can get our stories out there, let our kids set an example that others can follow. Will it be easy, no, but if it can help save just one other life, it is well worth it.

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Hi Nqeen,

I could barely see through my tears while reading your post! I feel so different since coming here and seeing yours and others supportive words!

Especially since you and I have a common thread!

Everything that you wrote was exactly what I am feeling too!

Unlike you, I do have a very strong support group around me, including close friends and family, but my family lives about 3 hours away from here, which makes the computer even more necessary for me!!!

I would really like to talk with you whenever you need to and if you would like to e-mail me, I would like to hear from you! It's tsengel@ez-net.com. My name is Sue.

How did you do on Sunday, being Mother's Day? it was pretty hard on me, but I went to the cemetary and sat there a while. I know Josh is always with me and I don't need to go there to be close to him, but I go there anyway!!

I look forward to connecting with you soon!

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Hi Joshsmom aka Sue. It does seem we have the same story to share. And I'd love to get in contact with you via e-mail. I'm having some computer issues, and can't get on my email site to write right now, but, I wanted to you to know, my heart is with you, and if anyone can help me make some of this tragidy understandable it would be you. So, I'll just say I am interseted in sharing what has proven to be the most difficult time of my life with you, with the hopes we can help one another, and if there are miracles, stop this from happening to another wonderful person, and loving mother. My email is NQueen@AOL.com, please feel free to drop me a line I'd like to know how you're dealing with the legal system, and all the other things that tend to drop me to my knees, like seeing the guy resposisble for all this out at a bar having the time of his life. I know we aren't alone, and methadone is out there like never before. This has to stop. And perhaps it will be mothers like us that do it. Take a walk, enjoy the sounds of nature, and the closesness you feel when it's just you & your son out staying connected. There really are somethings, that no matter what, no one can take from us. It sounds like we both had beautiful boys, and the memories they left us with are our treasures, that can never be tarnished, or taken away. Peace be with you. Nanci

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Last week Thursday, my Grandmother, who was 93 years old, passed away suddenly!

She still lived independantly in her own apartment! She had a very hard time accepting when josh passed. She asked "why not me, why am I still here?"

She came down with phenomnia and within a 10 hour period, she was gone! I live with my husband and older son, 3 hours away from her, but asked my Mom to please tell my Grandma to give Josh a big hug from all of us when she sees him!

About an hour later, she passed over!

Over the past year, all of our family has found pennies in very significant places and times and we have always believed that they were sent to us as signs from Josh. (it was always one single penny).

We went down for her funeral and on that afternoon, while we were getting dressed and ready to leave for the funeral home, my Mom and I went into her bedroom to look for a belt and right in front of her closet, there were 2 pennies lying on the floor! We both cried!! Now he sent us 2 pennies from heaven and that confirmed to us that my Grandma was with him and had given him the hug we asked her to!

Signs are everywhere and if we watch for them, we can be sure that our kids are letting us know that they are still with us and are doing fine!!

Josh's 1st Anniversary date is May 31st and I miss him so much! But then when I feel at my worst, he reminds me somehow that he is still around us! I am so lucky to have had such a caring and loving son, to make sure that I know this, when I am at my worst!!

Our first court date is coming up on June 1st, just one day later, and we are hoping for some justice! It's the Mother's jury trial, whose perscription Methedone was given to Joshua! Wish us luck!!!

Thanks for listening!!

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Josh's mom

I am so very sorry for your loss of Josh.It is a very tragic event.Justice is something we all seek for the untimely death of our children.My situation is different but the court system only adds to our pain.We however must prevail for our children so this does not happen to anyone else.

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dear josh's mom, I want to tell you that i read your story and my heart goes out to you, I too lost a son, my anthony v. chavez, on 11-10-03 he had turn 20 years old, on 11-13-05 three days after his 20th birthday, we celebrated his bd with a meal at our home ,his girlfiend and his daughter amor was there. it has snowed and he drives a 1969 lowrider impala , he lovesw to drive, that night his hydraulics from his car froze underneath, and he said to me his last words " mom, I have to go b4 it starts to snow more. I cant drive my car like this ," what happened is that the hydraulics left the car on three wheel motion and he could nt drive in the snow tht way, he went home ,put on his overalls and had his girlfriend hold a flashlight towards the hydraulic that was froze, he went underneath the car , the jack slipped and fell on my anthony, his girlfriend did call the paramedics and police , my son lived in a security area with a large gate with code enterance only. the paramedics got there on time but couldnt get in they didnt not now the code # to open the gate, time went buy, they waited for a car to come to the premises to open the gate for them, a total of 15-18 mins passed they finally got in used the jaws of live to remove my son, he wasent breathing it was too late , he survived in the hospital on machines for two weeks, each day the doctors would tell me he will not regenerate , he lost too much oxygen to his brain, no one can survive that, i didnt give up i prayed day and night, i hav 5 other choldren to care for, its been a year and a half and i still havent paid for his funeral barial cost,i'am ashamed of my self to even say this , i cant afford to. my son 's car was to be painted and entered in a car show to win a lowrider contest for a trophy, he has never won a trophy, his uncle and grandfather own show cars and they have trophys, he said that this year mom it my turn , that will never happen. I still havent spoke with a lawyer , i feel i might have case due that the paramedics and police and state police dept didnt no the number to open the gate ,and when they did they ripped the car to shreds withthe jaws of life, dont make since, if i can change time i would remove that gate, i have to pass by that gate everyday to take my children to school, i like hold my breath until i am over the other side ,like swimming , that i can do, dealing with the loss of my son hurts so much i lost so much weight, i barley want to dress or do anything for my self, for the other children i 'am there for them, even though they have been in and out of detention homes for the anger that they have with the death of big brother my childrens ages are

2,13,15,17,19 and 3 yr old granddaughter from my anthony, my heart will ease alittle if i can get his car up and going, enter it in a car show win a trophy in honnor on my anthony. thank you indigo for having this site.

my praysers for all of you

ANTHONY'S MOM

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Dear Anthony's Mom!

I waited to write to you, hoping to be able to give you some good news after our jury trial for the Mother, whose Methedone pills were given to Josh.

Well there isn't any good news! Two of the guys supbeaneoed for court, never showed up, and the judge dismissed her case!

The DA told us he will refile the charges and get the guys to cooperate, but it's all got to start from scatch again!

The worst thing is, her kid got caught with methedone again.....AND, even though he was out on signiture bond, he got bailed out by his Grandmother and is back home again with his Mom!

They can put a parent in jail if they're kids are truant from school, but if they don't keep narcotic drugs locked up and away from them, that's OK!!

I wanted to say "thankyou" for writing to me about Anthony and telling me about him! You are so lucky to have your Granddaughter from him!!! I always wanted to be a Grandma someday.....now I will only be able to have grandkids from my older son, Eric, hopfully!!!!

Josh was so outgoing! He had lots of friends and he was popular with the girls, even at 16 years old! He was so easy going and alot of his friends told me after he died that everyone went to him whenever they needed to talk and he always listened and tried to help! That was Josh!!!!

I miss him so much!!!

I wish you luck if you decide to try and go further with the fact that the security fence kept the parimedics from getting to Anthony faster!

Please let me know how you are doing, and I'm sorry it took be so long to post back to you!!!

Josh's Mom!

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Joshsmom, when I saw Methadone, I noticed it quickly, because my wife is prescribed it for the pain related to her dystrophy. The effects of this medication on her at a prescribed dose are serious. It's too easy for someone, especially a teenager, to overdose on it. My heart goes out to you with prayers throughout your sorrow. While I watch my wife walk the journey of an incurable, fatal illness, I can't even begin to imagine the horror you must face in your grief. It brings me to tears thinking of it, because I have a son about the same age.

To think of the travesty of our legal system treating this case so flippantly is only a statement of how little respect the judges have for the taxpayers doling their salaries, and for the Constitution of this great nation. It also shows the lack of respect of those who commit the crimes against the legal system. It's like they mock the system to catch them if it can.

May you be filled with peace and hope.

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Tina's Dad,

I am sorry to hear about the pain your wife has to endure! I am beginning to understand the dangers that Methedone has, but before this happened to Josh, I had never even heard of the drug!

The woman whose perscription was given to Josh, has it for back pain! She doesn't lock it up like she should and therefore it was easily taken by her son, who then gave it out to kids in town! (She has also been charged for selling it in bars in town here and it's well known that she often tells her son to go sell the pills and make some money, that's why it is easily accessable to him! But unfortunatley he wont admit that and says he stole them from her, keeping her from being charged with Homocide for Josh!)

Josh's body was unable to handle the 2 10ml pills! He also didn't know that these pills were Methedone!

It's just such a shame that nothing is being done with the fact that this women isn't being held responsible at all for not keeping this lethal drug out of the hands of children, especially her own son!!

Her son was caught again, about a month ago, with Methedone in his possesion, and he is back home with his mother! This is just wrong! Does another innocent child have to die? Another family get put through this hell? While they just go about their lives with no remorse and nothing changed for them?

Give your wife my best and know that I will keep both of you in my prayers!

Thankyou for writing!

Josh's Mom!

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Josh's Mom. Please pardon me if I get a little intense about this. I am so upset about this! Possession with intent to sell Methadone is a felony, because it is a federally controlled substance. The ill person may need money, but it's not worth going to jail for. Especially for the precious life of an innocent child. Do you think the media would be of any help in returning this issue to court for you?

While you work on the healing, remember the steps you will be taking. You will pass through Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, and then Acceptance. You may experience several of these phases of grief at one time, or skip one of them and come back to it later. That is just a basic guideline of their order and the usual order in which we pass through them. But, while you go through this grieving, take time to make yourself feel special, like getting a relaxing massage, taking a long hot bubble bath, or doing your nails.

Take care of yourself, and let us know how it's going for you.

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Tina's Dad,

I would love to bring the media into this, but both my husband and I are afraid that the District Attorney would be upset with us! He is trying his best to get these two guys to cooperate again, but now he has to start all over with the case and refile the charges against her. (Also everytime so far that any story has been written about the case or Josh, they always put that he died of a methedone and alchohol overdose, which wasn't the case! He had no alcohol in his system, so the media will probably make their own story too!)

My husband is having a very hard time dealing with the fact that she hasn't gotten put away for this by now, and may not!!

Her son, who was 17 when this happened with Josh, was automatically waived into adult court and was charged with distributing and 1st Dgree Reckless Homocide, and his jury trial is July 21 and 22nd! But my husband and I would really like to see this so-called "Mother" have to face something too!!!!

It is just very painful to realize that the criminal usually has more rights than the victim or their families!!

It has been a very long and sad year for us! Just the factt that Josh took the pills to begin with......it's just not something he did, and is very hard for us to comprehend! It's just such a shame and waste of a great kid's life!

He had so much to look forward to, and now we may not even see justice for him!

But if it does come down to the nitty gritty, I know I will do everything in my power as Josh's Mom to see this to the end for him!!

I just worry that if something doesn't happen soon, my husband just may take matters into his own hands! I don't know if he would actually hurt her, but even if he goes to her home (which he has done in the past), he may be put in jail, and then watch and see how fast he gets charged with something!!!

So far, the police here, have understood his reasons for having to confront her, but as time goes on, you know how people believe that we should "get over it" and I know they wont take it much more, before they charge him with something for "bothering her"!

Tahnks so much for listening to me!! There is such comfort in knowing there are people that actually don't judge!!!

My son was a very good boy! He just made a bad choice, and never got a second chance!! Just answering the question, "How did your son die", is very hard! I feel that unless I explain the whole story, he comes out looking like a bad kid!!

I hope that things work out in the court system, and I will let you know what happens!!!

Thanks so much for responding to my thoughts!!

Josh's Mom

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Joshsmom,

I don't think any kid is a bad kid. There is no such thing. Kid's make bad choices, but they are not bad. In most cases, kid's are victims of circumstance. I just want you to know that no matter what your son chose to do that day, or didn't choose to do that day, it does not change that you hurt and that he was a child who lost his life. Shame on anybody who thinks that the way a child dies changes the value of that child's life. Anyway, your baby boy is the victim in this. He didn't know that he was going to lose his life... nobody chooses to do something that may take their life.

Please know that I care and I understand. Tina

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Josh's Mom, I would love to see this come to the righteous end before the wrong thing happens too. I don't want these people to give out candy to any more babies, and this needs to be stopped. I'm glad the police have been understanding so far with your husband, but they won't stay that way long. Three of my cousins were killed in a drug deal that went bad, and I know the feelings that go through a family. I have a degree in social work and struggle to keep my fam from getting into a war.

I have a passion for peace. Nothing gets me more than things that happen to innocent children, and I'm with artina, your son was caught up into a draft of circumstance in the moment, and paid a tragic price. If you need assistance with advocacy, I may be able to help a little without you having to disclose too much information. I may be able to get this into the right hands so this doesn't happen to another son or someone's daughter. I'd like to see these "people" unable to continue this horrible tragedy.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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Hi,

I've been posting more on the child loss board than here, yet I was here a long time ago and remember when you, Joshsmom, first posted. Passing out prescription drugs is a felony. It is so horrible that you are having such a hard time getting this mother and son to be accountable. Why bother passing the law in the first place if it isn't going to be enforced. As intelligent as we hope our law makers may be, you'd think they must have seen a scenerio like this coming a mile away. Otherwise, why pass and make it a felony in the first place if they are going to make it so difficult for those that suffer as a result?

I understand your fear about your husband taking matters into his own hand. At first it was our family that sought legal action on our behalf. We were so busy trying to see our daughter through. When the first law firm turned us down saying that she was given "minimal standard of care" I nearly hit the roof with rage. So did my husband... I decided to take it into my own hands and pursue. And it is official now. The lawyers have filed suit on Kristian's behalf for wrongful death.

My daugther died of brain cancer. I fully understand that cancer is a huge threat to life. Yet my daughter was denied adequate care for over 2 years before she was correctly diagnosed. If not longer. By the time she was correctly diagnosed, she had been completely blind for over a week, had been going gradually blind for well over a year, had been suffering from a non stop headache for over 18 days at that point after over 2 years of suffering severe migraines lasting anywhere from 1 to 10 days at a shot, was only 41 lbs at 9 years old, and had barely eaten a full meal in over 3 years because of the tumor's pressure on her brain. She also had diabetes insipidus for at least 3 years at that point as well as other hormonal issues because of the tumors pressure.

In all that time, I was blamed as a mother. We were blamed as a family. By the school and the doctors. Just as Kristian's first real symptoms showed up, we had just moved from RI as a struggling family to NY in a thriving affluent neighborhood.

"is there something going on at home that we should know about" "is she getting enough sleep at night" "it's behavioral" "it's emotional" "she's acting out". "she's just looking for attention". Oh I can go on and on and on about what they all wanted to spew at me during all that time.

During all that time, I kept promising Kris, we'd figure it all out. We'd make it better. I couldn't and I didn't. I tried to make them listen.

When she was diagnosed correctly, you have no idea how many people came to me to tell me how sorry they were. Except her doctor...he merely promised he would make sure to sign a family medical leave act should I need him too. Needless to say....I didn't need him at all. She clearly spoke loud and clear enough with her symptoms that threatened to take her life from that point on and eventually did.

Whether I've already said this once or a million times, it'll never be enough. My baby girl was robbed of a fighting chance, if not the opportunity to save her life.

I've been told that no matter what, the doctors never would have wanted this to happen. They're only human and make mistakes.

Well guess what, it's a mistake that should never have happened.

I expect nothing less than accountability. And by that I mean, this doctor should go to bed every night remembering everything he said to me and to Kristian. For eternity. I can't wait to see him at deposition. He told me his own son, at the time, suffered migraines and shared many of the same symptoms as my daughter. I can't wait to ask him how similar he felt they truly were.

Did his son stop growing suddenly and cry every night after vomiting up the 2 or 3 bites of food my daughter did nearly every meal she ate pleading she wasn't like everyone else and it wasn't her fault? For nearly 3 years? I doubt it.

I'm a mess now. I have been for a long time. I try and try. To no avail. I am angry and I am inconsolable. I watched my little girl starve herself for nearly 3 years, go blind then fight cancer as best she could. I am furious. I am a mess and it seems no one in the world wants to deal with me.

Tinasdad, If you mean that by bargaining, as a step to healing, that I can bargain my way not to find the route to the doctors doorstep that cost my little girl her life, from costing me my own, you are exactly correct. I want nothing more than to create for him, the suffering he allowed her. I want to cause him horrible pain and tell him he's merely "acting out, looking for attention", interrogate his family and tell him it's "all in his head".

For that, I'd be a criminal. Because he's a doctor, it's okay. He didn't know any better. Yeah. Spare me. He spent 2 years debating sending my little girl for a catscan, and deciding against it because he "had it under control" whereas I did not. Whose child is still here. His is. Mine is gone forever.

Proud mom of Kris, Jonny and Kait

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No, this doesn't get easier with time. John Robert has been dead for 6 months. The only thing that happens is the difficulty in picking up the peices, so abundant & scattered, grows with every dissapointment we suffer at the hands of the system. Josh & John had several things in common. But, the one I think we suffer most from, is that when people inquire how John or Josh died, saying a methadone overdose, seeing the rest of the story being dictated by their own minds, and not the real truth. As if our boys are somehow unworthy of justice, or respect & honor due to the mindset of there just being one less drug addict on the streets. Not all who die of an overdose are druggies. Some are victims. Of others. And the others, the ones responsible enjoy not only freedom from legal persuit, but life. My son would have gone into a burning building to save a life. He was a firefighter. The other boy wouldn't even pick up the phone to save what he deemed his buddy. Yet, John, who would have made this world a better place is dead. And the other boy, who has been nothing but trouble, kicked out of ball teams, school and jobs for drug use, gets to live on. I swing from anger to uncontrolable crying, and soul breaking sadness. Things aren't getting better, time is just passing. The system doing nothing keeps it going. Seeing the people responsible out having dinner, enjoying life, while my family can hardly step outside without being hit in the face with the reality that John is never going to come back, that's difficult. You can't go forward, forgive what won't even be addresses, or answered for. How many of us just have to sit back & take what the system says is worthy of their attention, and what's not. When justice isn't done by those who's job it is, what are we suppose to do. Nothing? Shrug our sholders and try to go on with the truth in our hearts only? Try to deal not only with our childs death, but, the injustice as well. No, that's too much. I won't. Wrong is wrong, and people have to be held accountable. I know I will be.

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I just wanted all of you to know that I am in your corner. My HEART goes out to each of you as you battle the darkside of people. What does a parent do? I know that I would be doing everything I could do to make the wrong right... but where does one find the strength to not only battle the system, but the uncaring attitude of people to reach out to a mother who has lost her child. It makes no since to me. You have lost your child!!! What more could motivate a person to help you find justice. If I could, I would help you. Please know that our prayers are with you and your children are worth it... This could happen to any one of us- your stories are proof of that!

Peace to you, Tina

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I can't begin to tell you all, as I read each of your posts, and cried AGAIN, how much it means to me to read your words!!! NQueen hit it right on when she said about answering the questions of how our sons died! It is hard! Many times I have gotten angry with the way my husband answers that.....but he doesn't know either!

The fact that these "people" have no remorse for what has happened is what really gets to me the most! They just don't even give a %%^% about it and really think they have done nothing wrong! They can't think they're wrong if they're still doing the same thing!!!!

One of the times my husband went to her house to confront her and knocked on her door...she actually opened it, which in itselt shows me she's not all there, (we live in a very small town and everyone knows my husband!) anyway, she opened her door and said "I didn't kill your son"!!! He went crazy!! he tore her screen door right off the hinges!!

Chels1003, I understand completely everything you said and feel too! It's just so sad that people can't admit when they have done something terribly wrong! As long as their lives just keep on going with no interuptions, they are fine!

I wouldn't put what happened to us on my worst enemy, but then again, they are my worst enemy and I would love to see them have to walk in our shoes for even a few seconds and feel what we feel every minute of every single day and know that we can't change anything back to the way it was when we had a life that was "normal". When our families were whole and we were happy to know that everyone was together and we had no reason to think it would ever change!

Having to find comfort in any tiny sign from our kids to reenforse to us that they are still around us, just in a different way now, seems unfair, but I find myself having to live my life that way each day now, just to get through them.

They still have an unbroken family! Nothing has changed for them, they've been inconvenience alittle, that's it!

Josh should be here enjoying the summer, bombing around in his GEO with his friends and coming in the door and saying, "Hi Mom, I'm home"! Or calling me to "check-in"!! Or asking for a few dollars so he can go to Burger King!!

Tina's Dad, thankyou for everything and I will most definalty remember your offer to help us!! I'm scared too that even if this does go to court they could walk away completley anyway or just get probation!! Then what? Nothing!!!

It just seems so unfair and the road is so long! And after everything we may still get nothing!

I can't even imagine court for the kid, having to sit there and listen to autopsy results and they'll be talking about my 16 year old son! What am I going to do! I know I will break down and if I do then what? But I can't, not be there either! Hearing everything involved with that night and knowing anything, even something small, could have changed the outcome!!!

God, this is so hard!

Artina, your words are so reassuring!! You always have a post for everyone and whatever you say always is so caring and makes it seem like you actually know Josh!!!! Thankyou!!!

I am just so grateful to be able to tell you what I feel and know that you truly understand the horrific pain in my heart!

Thankyou for all your posts, they mean more to me than I can say in words!!!

I will keep you up to date!

Josh's Mom 4-Ever!!

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Chels1003, we live near the Big Apple, and know what you mean about getting hassled by the system for being bad parents when a child is ill. As a counselor, I see too much of it, and the parents are all too often innocent. Children become ill, and parents have not caused the illness, especially in your case. You should be commended and praised for caring for Kristian so well. The system of school and medical staffers who thought such things against you are so wrong.

Josh'sMom, be strong. Fighting this battle against drugs can seem like you're losing, and even if you lose the smaller social battle, the drug dealers and users lose the larger war. They risk losing their homes, families, freedom while they do prison time, their lives. It's worth standing up and doing what you're doing. Guard yourself against their revenge. While you are in this fight and all the stress, take time to give yourself personal pampering. You need and deserve to make yourself feel special. Treat yourself to a long walk in the park, a bubble bath, scented candles, whatever.

As you grieve, you will release the sorrow in many ways. You will have times of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You may experience several at once, or take these out of this order. Just work your way through them and be patient with yourself. You are the one who is grieving, and you are the one who gets to choose the way you grieve.

Talk later. Have a sweet weekend with your families.

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Thanks everyone for allowing me to spew up what I normally hold inside most of the time trying to just get by and be as normal as I can, as best I can. We all need to and I'm glad there's a place for it. It is hard for us all.

It's devasting to think that after our losses we have to prove the worth of our children's lives to justify the actions we are taking to come this far legally. Anyone dealing with lawyers know exactly what I mean. They apologize for it, but it's a fact. They tell us it will drain and drive us places emotionally that we may never be prepared to go.

Nqueen, Joshsmom and everyone else, from what you've shared here, I understand what you're feeling. I am, as I said before, very much looking forward to having the opportunity to confront, in front of a group of people, peers or not, the doctor. For me that will give me some peace. To make him answer MY questions. For me the "legallity" of it all is moot. To make him answer my questions and know that what he said to us was completely irrational and off base. Selfish, arrogant and far, too far presumptuous. That he was wrong. And he is at the very least SORRY! That at the very least an ounce of prevention surely is worth a pound of cure. I will never have that satisfaction....Not in this lifetime. As far as he's concerned sorry will cost money. I could give a crap. Money is the least of my worries and there's not enough in the world to replace my baby girl. I'd gladly eat dirt and beg on the streets so long as we could all be together again.

Yet, at the same time, I know this doctor is watching every child that crosses his path with a scrutiny he wishes today, that he had given my baby girl, Kris, 4 years ago. I know he is. His career depends on it. Therefore, the threat of my anger is doing some measure of good so far. Perhaps, if there is a God, it will save another childs life.

It's hard to address what I'm feeling most times. Kris spent so much time being sick before she got the help she needed. It all happened so fast. By the time we thought she was actually going to beat it after the odds were stacked high, it was just so quick, none of us could truly comprehend the scope we were literally thrown into. One day she was walking and cancer free...next day she was in a wheelchair with 2 tumors in her spine, then completely paralyzed and I'm not exagerrating.

This was a little girl that wanted to live. Scared to death of dying. She did not want to die. I was pressured all around to let her know she was going to die every day for the last month, by her doctors, by hospice. I didn't believe it. I couldn't. She didn't either.

One friend told me that was the kindest thing I ever could have done for her. To keep believing in hope. To keep on believing in miracles. I feel like I lied today. But at the time, it didn't feel that way. I wanted so hard to believe. And when she left, I was shocked. As much as I was told, I was still shocked.

The bottom line for all of us that have lost a child is finding a way to make the most of their short lives that we were blessed to share with them. It was a gift. No matter what we face now, the time we were given with them is worth more than anything else. As angry or as sad as we may be. I'd rather have known Kris and lost her, than never known her at all. As much of her as I can share, she's the one thing in life that can keep me whole no matter how broken I feel.

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Chels1003,

That was well said, "she's the one thing in life that can keep me whole no matter how broken I feel". That is a thought for me to hold dear to my heart.

Peace to you, Tina

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Chels1003, perhaps I think differently because I spent time in foster care as a child. I may also think differently because my brother died from the neurological disease I still fight. But, I must say that I would never, ever even think to say that you lied to your child. Hope is a mysterious entity. It can drive us into saying and believing what we would otherwise not. When my brother died, my grandfather kept on cheering for me, even though his heart was broken. It was hope that made him say I was going to live, even though I had little chance. He never lied, and you never did either. You have only spoken the language of hope in order to help your child stay in the fight so she could beat the illness. What you feel is the sorrow because hope didn't keep her alive. You have only shown that you are a wonderful parent. If only all children could have parents like you, this would be a peaceful, loving world. May you have all you need, and may your sorrow wash past you like the ebbing tide.

I missed what you wrote a few days ago. I'm sorry for that. My daughter was here visiting. You know those situations when a child finds a parent who was not in the picture? Well, her Mom never told her about me, and never told me about her. We had a great time together, though. Anyhow, The steps to grief that I wrote about, when you get to Bargaining, it means you will make a deal with God, Satan, Bob Barker, or Fast Freddy the Car dealer to get your child back. It doesn't mean slamming door number three on the doctor.

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Chels1003, I wish you all the best when your finally in there and confronting that doctor with every question you've replayed a million times in your head! I know how much you need to do this, for yourself and for Kris!!

It's surprising to me how much strength I've gotten to confront all of this over the past year! I may seem quiet and from the outside it looks like I've just accepted things and tried to go on, but on the inside I replay what I would do and say to the women and her son, if only given the chance! I am not like my husband, and have no nerve to go there and look her in the eye! Especially after he has, and all she seems to act like is that he's a crazy man and she's being bothered!

I dread with all my heart having to sit through the upcoming trial and court for her son, even though I know I have been also waiting deperately for the day!

It's so strange to feel so many different emotions about the same thing!

I love Josh so much and I will endure this for him, and in the end, hopfully, we'll be able to get some justice for him! But then again I'm just terrified that they will get off! It's so scary!!

Put in the same shoes as you, and knowing how much I love my boys, I would have done the same thing if I was put in the situation you were, as far as having to tell your daughter she was going to die.....how in the world could a parent do that> like you said, it would be like showing her that you gave up!!! You know your child better than anyone and you have to do things according to that and only that!!

We've had so many let downs already and getting myself ready for another one is something i have found myself doing lately! I want to think positively about the trials, but in the back of my mind I also need to tell myself that I have to be ready for another let down!

All I know is that I feel Josh around me at the times when i am at my worst, and I have to remember to be strong for him! He is the most important thing and I wont let him down!!!!

I really care about all of you and our bond is strong! Thankyou once again for being here!

Josh's Mom

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Joshsmom, To feel him near you is a matter of your heart, your soul. He will always be near you, as long as you hold this love in your heart. The array of feelings you are getting is a normal response to the situation you are in. You are grieving and feeling the grief emotions we discussed earlier. You are also feeling the stresses of the court issues and those will, like the attorneys said, take your heart to places you may not wish to go. It's a trip to a town called heartbreak today, then heartache tomorrow, only to visit hysteria on your ride home. It's lonely and draining. Be strong, and look at the many innocent children you are going to save by going through with this. I'm proud of you. If you need a little extra support, let me know, and I'll see what we can do to make this part of the journey a little easier and brighter.

Having my daughter home once in a while to help care for my wife is so helpful. I have been getting tired out staying up all night with her, and not getting the rest I need. I'll be in remembrance and in prayer for you, with all you are going through. I will be in prayer for you all, you are such wonderful people.

Take care and while you grieve, take a few minutes out of the steps of grief to pamper yourselves. You all are worth it. Enjoy a bubble bath, do your nails, try a little bit of a makeover, fuss with your hair. You know, make yourselves feel and look special on the outside. Here's the secret. You are already special on the inside.

Have a great day and may you have all you need. Mark

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