Just Trying to Get By..

[RedFragileRose]

I lost my mother in April of 2014 when I was 19. She had a long battle with diabetes. In 2011 she had gangrene and lost her left leg. Then in 2013 she got gangrene in her right toes. Which resulted in her losing those as well. And in April of 2014 she passed away from the gangrene infection. She was my best friend. I never thought I could live my life without her. I honestly feel so numb anymore. Like nothing matters. I myself am having some family issues. When my mother passed away in April a month later I moved back in with my dad (after getting my own place in March) to help with bills and things. In May I went to McDonald's with a friend and got an $8 dollar meal for myself. I did use my father's money but what's $8 right? He got so mad at me for spending HIS money that he kicked me out. Luckily I have my fiance and his mother let us move in with her. In that same month I also lost my job because we had to move an hour away. Everything was OKAY until about Thanksgiving. I invited my sister to Thanksgiving Dinner with my fiance and I. My sister and father had been fighting and I didn't invite him. My sister was there for me more than he ever was. Well I made the wrong choice of inviting my Aunt as well. She told my father and now neither my Aunt or father want me in their lives. I know that I have my fiance. It just isn't the same as my mother and I know that I had his family on the holidays but again..its just not the same. Somedays...I just feel like I want to die just so that I can be with my mom again so she can make everything better, but I know that's not how it works. 

[cindyjane]

I am so sorry for your loss.  It always breaks my heart when someone loses a parent but even more so when it is someone so young like yourself.  

 

I too have lost my mom and can really relate to some of what you are going through.  What I personally find is that since my mom left us, any time there was a family problem or really any other kind of problem, that is when I miss my mom the most because like you and your mom ... my mom and I were extremely close.  It's like she was the glue in the family.  

 

In order for me to stop feeling so numb and so sad, I had to change my thinking around and focus on what my mom would want for me.  I just know in my heart the things that she wouldn't want for me and I kept repeating them over and over to myself.  She wouldn't want me feeling so lost, so hurt, so sad.  She wouldn't want me to give up on my life.  I also know what she would want for me and kept repeating that to myself as well.  She would want me to be the best person that I can be so that one day when it is my turn to depart from this world, we will be reunited....in a much better place.  

 

Stay strong and just know in your heart what your dear mom would want for you.  

take care

Cindy Jane