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Lost my father to cancer


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Hi

 

I had/have this problem with not really "feeling" my emotions, at least sadness and sorrow. I have just been storing the feelings away and keeping them to myself. Recently I have had some help to open up.

 

My father passed away march 2013, after two years of cancer treatments. He got diagnosed with cancer in the colon, and had it removed. The cancer had already spread to his liver. We did not talk much about what would happen, how long he had left or what was going to happen. My father never really shared his thoughts and feelings, at least not the sad and hard things. He shared a little with my mom, but not all of it. He was a little like I am/was.

He got treated with chemo several times, it helped for a short while, but when he had breaks from the treatment the cancer grew.

I was there when he died, with my mom and my sister. I did not cry as he passed away, and I did not really feel anything at that time. Maybe it was a form of denial? After the memorial service, when they drove him away, I cried a little. When that day passed I was back to my old self, being "happy and positive", until this fall, about a year and a half later.

Now that I have had some help to work into my emotions I have ok days, and I have bad days. Some days I feel it helps to distract myself by doing other things, like going outside for a walk, or shopping. Other days I read about others who have dealt with the same kind of situations, and I cry. The crying really helps, for a time.

My wife is supportive, and I can talk to her about things. I cry on her shoulder, but mostly I cry alone. I feel like I am showing weakness whan I cry in front of others, like I should be stronger and keep myself together.

 

Today has been a bad day. I have been feeling depressed, apathetic and empty inside. It's not easy trying to keep those bad feelings away from our four year old son. He's so happy and cheerful, enjoying christmas.

This makes me feel even worse, being sad when I should be happy, and having fun with him. I shut myself away, working through the sorrow and sadness alone. Crying.

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I am too dealing with this as well. Feeling one way inside and as though I should keep it together for my kids and them not see me upset.

 

Battling this immensely the past couple of weeks. Just now I and I am sure many others are struggling too. How does this all work, does I ever get better?

 

Thinking of you!

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Thank you Jessica

 

I have my ups and downs, also during a single day. I feel like I get all the feelings at one time now, since I have been storing them up.

 

For me it started this fall with a physical reaction. My heart would feel like it was pounding really fast, like I was stressed. Resting and breathing did not help, and from a therapist I saw a couple of times I was told this was my body telling me I needed to address some issues.

Now I have an area of pain on the front of my chest. It feels almost like a bruise. Rubbing or adding preassure to that point helps me to reduce the stressed feeling. I do not know what this pain is, and it's not there at all times.

 

I think the depressed feeling, the sadness and the crying is something that needs to happen. Like a process that needs to complete.

Will I always feel sadness thinking of my father? I sure hope not. He was a great person. Always calm and helpfull. He was the person I asked for help if I needed it. We would talk for an hour on the phone about (almost) anything.

I think, and hope, the feelings will gradually shift to more happiness and less sadness.

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I firmly believe that people can only process the grief and the experience in little bits... For me, I would think about something, and then when it became too much, I would have to stop. Then again another day, I could think about it a little more. Then a little more. It takes time to process something so difficult and if it's too overwhelming, I think we all just shut down. Even now, there are things that I have a hard time processing (like imagining what my mom must have been feeling, when she was diagnosed and when she was ill). I can't do it. It just becomes too much.

But, it important to find some kind of peace. It takes time. And sometimes help. You have to find some way to integrate your experience and find some peace.

All the best to you.

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Thank you Bailey

I believe you are right about the need to process everything in pieces. My feeling now is that I have not found the right size or amount of those pieces.

I have days where I feel really down, like yesterday. Today I'm feeling better, but empty inside.

I also feel like I should'nt complain. I have everything I need, and lots of people have bigger daily problems then me.

I think I need to do something, mostly to distract myself.

I feel with you all! We will get through this.

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I have days where I feel really down, like yesterday. Today I'm feeling better, but empty inside.

I think this is to be expected. This is grief. It comes in waves... But in time, the waves don't knock you off your feet as much:). It's been three years for me, but I still have moments and days when I feel very empty and sad. This Christmas has been hard. But feelings, if you allow yourself to feel them, are transient... They move through you... They don't stay with you. But definitely, when a thought or feeling comes up... Feel it. Remember. But don't get stuck there because that can lead to depression.

My father has really struggled. He hasn't really processed any of his feelings after my mother's death. When he talks about her, which isn't often, he says the same things he did just after she died. He has simply found ways to distract himself such that he hasn't had to feel the pain. This is a coping strategy in and of itself... But there are times when grief can not be avoided. I worry about his ability to cope.

I recently read an analogy that I particularly enjoyed. It compared life and grief to a garden. I will share it, if you find it helpful. It has given me a new way to think about things. In this analogy, the thought is - Your garden has both weeds and flowers. You must care for the weeds. But, you also have to plant flowers. If you only take care of the weeds, you will become exhausted and lose hope. However, if you plant more flowers, eventually there will be less room for the weeds.

Early after a loss, I think we are all overrun with weeds. It's all you can see, it's all you can do to tend to the weeds. It's exhausting. But, as times moves on, it is important to still care for the flowers, to grow the flowers, to plant more flowers. It's important to grieve and remember, but also to try to find some joy in life. Although you will always care for the weeds... I have to remind myself to plant more flowers and care for the flowers. This is the balance of life... There is no joy without sorrow. But, when you are grieving... It's hard to remember this.

Best to you. Take care.

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Bailey, you are so right.

 

I too handeled the loss of my father the same way your father has done, and I felt completely normal. I could talk about my father, his death and his illness without any sadness, like I was talking about someone I did'nt know. After over a year my subconcious told my body that was not working. I felt stressed and out of balance. My wife and I had an episode this past summer that was the last drop to finally burst the dam of sadness and sorrow. I thought that was the reason for my feelings, but we have worked all that out, and I don't really think of that episode any more.

What happened (in july) was my wife told me she had feelings for another man. She is pregnant, and was talking about abortion and separation/divorce. We worked through this and talked about it. She realized her feelings were not rational, and that she felt more of a soulmate connection than love. I had a some very rough days, and then burried all my feelings about this (like I have done in the past).

In october some time I got the bad feelings and the stress. I went to a therapist my wife and I had seen together once, and she alone a few times to work through the situation from summer. She really helped me to understand that I was too nice a guy for my own best interest. That I said yes to things I really did'nt want to, and that together with the burried feelings this forced my body to react with feelings of stress.

Upon realizing that I have been working through the feelings of the episode from summer, and the underlying feelings of loss of my father. This christmas has been the peak of my sorrow, and it's even worse now after the main days, which I find strange.

 

The problem is knowing what flowers to put in the garden, and how to limit the weeds. I'm not a person with many friends. I've never been very outgoing or social. I really don't know what new and positive things I should try to introduce.

My wife and I do have a baby girl on the way, but I'm struggeling to really feel anything about that, which makes me even more sad.

Maybe I'm actually in a form of depression? If so, how do I turn this around?

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I don't know. It sounds like you have been dealing with a lot. I'm very sorry for your struggle. I think you are wise to continue to see a therapist...I'm hope this person can help you to find your answers.

I will tell you that we have two little people in our family, and they have been the greatest source of joy during our time of sadness. I hope that you find the same with the birth of your daughter. It's hard to be sad when there is a little bundle of joy who's only purpose in life is to delight in experiencing the world for the first time. There are times when I ache because I wish my mom was here to see her grandchildren and I so wish that they would know her. But then I think, it is our job to be sure that they know her. I often throw up a little message and say "mom, be with us now. You are going to want to see this." I'd like to think that she does.

All the best to you in your journey. Take care.

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I have a 4 yar old son who is always happy and cheerfull. He is a source of joy, and also sadness, since my father did not get to know him as he is now. My son was only 2 years old when he died. He knows his grandfather by picture, but he does not talk about him often. He has asked about him a few times, but not much.

When my daughter arrives I will surely be distracted, and since she is expected to arrive at the end of february I hope I will have processed some more of my grief and sorrow, and be ready to enjoy the new member of the family. I always wish the best for my family, and therefore I try not to share my sadness with them too much, and limit it only to my wife, as she can handle it.

 

My father was great with kids, and could be really childish, playing with them and having fun. That it something that my kids will miss out on, sadly.

 

Enough ranting for today, hope tomorrow will be a better day.

 

Best wishes to you all.

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Hopefully, but don't be too worried if it's not. In time, the good days will outnumber the bad.

Yes, it is very sad when those you love are not here to witness so many important things. My mom wanted nothing more than to be a grandmother, and she knew that joy for two years as well. It was not long enough, but it was all we had.

Enjoy your family - your kids are your flowers. For now, they may be the only flowers. But, you are blessed to have them. In time, you will plant more flowers.

All the best!

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We don't plan on having more kids. ;)

 

Today started well, but suddenly the sorrow grips me. I look at pictures of my father. The best one for me is one with my now 4 year old son. Both are smiling and happy. It makes me sad, but also glad that my father got to know his grandson a little.

 

I hope the sadness and sorrow will come in smaller doses soon. Being sad all day is really demanding.

 

 

Hope you have a good day.

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Lol... I wasn't thinking more children - although I can see how my comment must have been read:).

I was thinking... New friends, travel, new interests, etc... That's too funny:)

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I understood what you meant, but that was too good an oppurtunity to pass up.

I wish you all a happier new year. I chose to stay by myself and watch tv after dinner. Not feeling like socializing much these days.

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First day back at work today. Went good, but feeling kind of strange coming home. Tingling in my arms and face. Feeling a little anxious and out of place, maybe a little sad. My wife left to go to the gym as I came home, and I had to complete dinner for the kids and my self. Was a little angry, or maybe disappointed about the whole situation.

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