Tell us about your deceased child

[ddefrain]

Hi Cassie:

I feel your pain.  I am only 5 months into this dark journey and each day is a struggle. I have spoken with several parent's who have lost children and are in different phases of the grief process, anywhere from 6 months to 8 years and they all express the same sentiment. The couple who lost their son 8 years ago have told me that while the grief has dulled over the years, there is an emptiness inside of them. My son Loren died from injuries sustained in a car accident on New Year's eve this year. At only 5 months, I am finding that people are expecting me to be back to "normal" whatever that is at this point. I do not have words of comfort for you at this point. I am still struggling through each day and sometimes hour by hour. But I can tell you that while you may feel alone, everyone at this site knows and understands your pain. I myself am afraid to bring up my son's name at work for fear that I will further allienate the people I work with. I feel very isolated here at times. I sometimes wonder how much longer I can keep getting up and dragging myself in here and pretend that I am the same person that I was 5 months ago. It is exhausting. Hang in there Cassie.

Debra

[azsummer2003]

Marcia,

And I remember us talking before! Or at least I think I do. But I definately remember the picture you have posted of your daughter. I don't know how you do it having had your only child die.

When I speak with parents who have lost their only child, I always feel as though I am talking with a hero. A parent who's stronger than the usual human being.

From all of us, thank you for being here. I wish I could hug you in person. You are amazing and such a great example of strength. I could learn a lot from you.

 

[mpsmom]

Lori, yes I think we did speak before, you helped me see that I MUST GO ON.. for my daughter, I am not a super human, I am doing what I have to .  My daughter would want me to continue to live in her name, I try everyday to do so.  The emptiness in our home is deafening... there seems to be no life here now that she is gone... we have two dogs, both were hers at one point in her short life... they help me keep going.. although in the beginning they also were very depressed about her not coming home.. now they 'need ' me to be the 'me' that took care of our house.  We have parokeets and parolettes, they still wake up every morning singing, and the dogs still need to get out of bed and got out to go pee.. therefore I must go on.

Hugs,   Marcia   Bethany's Mom Forever

[azsummer2003]

I live the same way. I live for my surviving child. I try not to dwell when she is around.  I know she knows that I love her equal to how much I loved Taylor. I had one boy and one girl. I love them both deeply, but in very different ways. I'm lucky my daughter and I get along so well (she's 18 now) as I have a sister who has one child (a daughter at 19) who refuses to even let her know where she lives! (I have NO idea why that is... I haven't seen her in nearly 10 years - she's 15 years older than I am and she moved away when I was 3.)

Anyway, I suppose we all pretty much tread the same water. I raise money to send poor kids to sports camps. But the yearly fund raisers are emotionally draining. I have a friend who's done golf tournaments for 5 years in memory of her daughter Jenny who died at 16, but they are no longer going to continue because it's so emotionally difficult to handle.  I'm not sure how long we'll be able to do it either as it really is hard to handle.

 

[ddefrain]

I am feeling such despair today. It has been 5 months on the 4th of June since my son Loren died and for whatever reason this week is like being back at square one. The tears are right at the surface, and no matter what I do he is occupying every minute of my thoughts. I can't seem to get anything done at work. I think the "forever" is really starting to hit home. My mother is coming in from North Carolina next week, it is the first time I will see her since Loren's funeral. She and Loren were so close and I think that she is anxious about coming for this visit. There are some days when I think I am "coping" well and then I have days like today when I am just about a basket case and the thought that this is only the beginning is sometimes completely overwhelming.

Debra

[mysonrich]

Dear Debra, I understand. I find myself feeling the same since the passing of Richard’s birthday. It does feel like I’m starting all over again. I still say to myself, “ my son is dead”, as if reinforcing  the fact will make it more real, forever real. I wish I could help in some way but know this, you are not alone .  This morning I woke up scared. I  woke with a " start" for several weeks after Rich died and here it is again.

Two steps forward, three back?....ugg

[ddefrain]

Loren's 29th birthday was June 9th.  Your right, it is 2 steps forward and 3 back, at least that is what it feels like today. I find myself saying the same thing, My son is dead!!  I physically lift up his urn at least once a day to reinforce that thought because, I think this truth is so impossible to believe sometimes. Thank you so much for listening.

Debra

[mikesmum]

Debra - I am so sorry you have lost your daughter, but pleased that you have found your way here.  It certainly is a journey of two steps forward and one back.  Five months is but a blink.  I have learned that this 'new normal' we face after losing our children has no time line relevant in real time terms. 

It has been 2yrs 7months since I lost my son Micheal.  His birthday was 4th June, he would have been 34.  That thump in the chest that I felt everyday after he died is still there when my mind reminds my heart he is gone.....

If you feel up to it pls join the group on loss of an adult child.  The support, understanding and experiences of those further along on their own journey are invaluable as you try to navigate this uncharted territory......

Take Care - Trudi

[mikesmum]

I can't remember ever filling this out so here it goes.

Name, age, cause of death & date of death of deceased child (or children) - Micheal was 31.  He died 18th January 2007.  He died of an overdose of his prescription medications after battling multiple debilitating health problems. 

Other children and ages: Melissa 30yrs, Steven 29yrs

Married, single, partner: Partner Amanda, Baby Girl Harmony 1yr old

Where you live now, where your child died: I live in Healesville in the Yarra Valley Victoria.  Micheal died in Wesburn, Yarra Valley Victoria

Where your child is buried or other:  Micheals ashes are with me at home having been rescued from mudflats in the Warburton Forest.

Did you have a funeral, memorial, or other: Micheals partner arranged his funeral.  We were allowed to have a slideshow at the Creamatorium after the service.  Family and friends came back to our house after.

Did you receive counseling: Still do.  Due to my being the EMD who sent the ambulance to Mike and my husband (married 6wks when Mike died) being the Intensive Care Paramedica it makes everything just that little bit more complicated. I see a psychologist for PTSD.  BI is my therapy....

What has helped you cope the most: Support from family & Mikes friends.  Ambulance peer support and my extended family here.

Did you start a foundation or tradition after the death of your son/daughter: I am working on an education program for GP's in the management of long term chronic pain patients.

Advice: Never be afraid to speak of your child as though they are right there with you - they are.  Cry, scream, sleep and tell someone when you are at your lowest... Don't expect the unitiated to understand....

[onlynick]

Hi Debra,

I know just how you feel.   I haven't seen my Mother since the funeral of my son, Nick.  He was our only child.  My husband and I are planning to visit my Mother in Tennessee this summer.  I'm beginning to feel a bit anxious as well. 

I know what you mean about feeling "fine" one day and then all of a sudden it's as if you're beginning all over.  The smell of my son's bedroom and clothing  are sometimes so overwhelming that I am unable to function.  The tears do not seem to have an end. 

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in these feelings.

Wishing you peace this moment,

Rhonda

[shorty16]

Rhonda

So sorry you had to visit this site, but what a wonderful site it is.

Your son looks young.  My Brian was 16 when he died 6-19-08 from a car crash.

Be kind to yourself.  My father and I are estranged and my mother passed on 2-7-08.

I have one sister and my Husband has 4 sibling, only 2 involved with our lives.

We visit when I am able to.  Not so much phsically, but emotionally.  I used to get panic attaches and realized I was forcing myself to do things my body and mind were not ready to do.

Take care, Thinking of you

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

 

[azsummer2003]

[user=20150]shorty16[/user] wrote:

Rhonda

So sorry you had to visit this site, but what a wonderful site it is.

Your son looks young.  My Brian was 16 when he died 6-19-08 from a car crash.

Be kind to yourself.  My father and I are estranged and my mother passed on 2-7-08.

I have one sister and my Husband has 4 sibling, only 2 involved with our lives.

We visit when I am able to.  Not so much phsically, but emotionally.  I used to get panic attaches and realized I was forcing myself to do things my body and mind were not ready to do.

Take care, Thinking of you

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

 

Colleen,

Your life seems much like mine. I lost my mom when I was a kid. My dad never remarried. He was a heavy drinker (he worked in the steel mills, it's what they did back then) and abusive. But he got nice after I had my kids. I'm not sue why, but he was a pretty decent grandfathe. He has Alzheimer's now in a home. I just saw him two days ago, he seems to be doing well.

I see two sisters. I don't really see my husband's side because they are born again Christains and they do not approve of us. But they were great when Taylor first died.  

All my aunts, uncles, gandparents, died when I was young. (I'm an OOPS! baby)

Fo me, the hardest times were a month before Taylor died when my beloved dog "Bean" up and died suddenly (at only 7), Taylor died (when he shouldn't have had to) and then 6 months later my best friend died of a heart attack! Oh, and we moved the week my son died to a place where I know no one. In the middle of nowhere.  The whole thing would make for great TV.  I shake my head and even I can't believe it!   It's almost funny in a sick sort of way....

Your grief is SO NEW.  And losing a teen is so hard. They are just coming into their won and then BAM! they are gone.

I post on loss of an adult child too, but it moves so fast I get lost because I can't keep up with all the posts! I'm not new to my grief. I've been here on and off and I go to other site too.  I wish there was a compassionate friends near me, but the closest one is two hours away. I go online for my support. Thank goodness for online communities. I don't know how anyone survived a child's death before the advent of computers!

You will find that on any site you go to, the people who post are the MOST compassionate people in the world and they will be there for you 24/7.

[Kelly]

Hello!

Could you take a moment out of your days and elect Beyond Indigo for the spotlight program for American Express? You have to register but then you can vote for us. We need 50 nominations by tomorrow night Midnight!! If we win then we receive 100,000 dollars which I want to put towards a site administrator for this website. Can you please help and pass the word to the others?

Just go to http://shinealight.ivillage.com/, click nominees and type in Beyond Indigo and our name will pop up. The direct link to the page is here at

http://shinealight.ivillage.com/nominees/?PerPage=10&Order=&x=0&y=0&Search=Beyond+Indigo.

Let's shoot for 50 plus nominees by tomorrow night! Thank you for your help.

Kelly Baltzell

Founder

Beyond Indigo

[bbarbie55]

Its hard to be on here anymore I don't get to see my grandchild and my daughter is gone and its been two and a half years and it seems like no one remembers her anymore. she was a beautiful person and would help anyone, she proved that by not thinking of herself when she was sick. I don't get to see my grandson anymore his dad has moved on with his life. I wish I was able to move on but she was my little girl and always will be. I know I'm rambleing but I'm a little down today have tried to forget with facebook and my space games, but reality hits me once again. She's gone!

Deb:(

[mikesmomrs]

Deb...you're not rambling...you are living the life of a broken-hearted parent who has lost their precious child...I am so very sorry that you don't get to see your grandchild...do they live within driving distance?  Has dad taken him away, or did they just move to another location?  I guess it really doesn't matter how, it is what it is, and what it is provides a lonely existance for you.  I am so sorry that you are down today...I pray that your spirits will lift soon.  We all here know how it is when we suffer the pain of knowing that our child is slowly being forgotten by others, and yet they are still in every thought we process, every day.  Holding you close to my heart.

love and peace,  carol mikesmomrs

[mikesmum]

Deb - It really is hard when that reality hits, up till then it like we really just believe our kids could be gone.

I know the feelings of not being able to see your grandbaby, Mikes daughter has been lost to us for almost 3yrs and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her and how she is growing up.  I wonder if she will ever know her dad through the eye of those who knew him all his life.

I keep a journal for her.  There are entries for special dates, notes from the other grandbabies and stories of her dad - one day she will want to know and this will be for her.  I also have a charm bracelet.  We as a family buy charms for her,again on her birthday, christmas etc.....Its what keeps her close to my heart.  It also keeps Mikes memory alive in her.....

Hope you find a place to just be, to say your baby girls name out loud...she really isn't forgotten, just others have moved forward as we stay still - locked into that one day.......Trudi

[holliesmom]

Name, age, cause of death & date of death of deceased child (or children) - Hollie Ceceila, 18, killed while staying at a friends house in a car driven by her friends' 50 yr old stepmother who was drinking and had taken Xanax. All three were killed when the driver, traveling at over 105 mph on a dark country road in bad weahter, lost control, went airborne and struck several trees. No one really knows how long they were there when they were found.

Other children and ages: John Jr. 21, Rachel (her best friend) 17

Married, single, partner: I am the luckiest person in the world to be married to the best husband and father in the world for 23 yrs-my best friend.

Where you live now, where your child died: I now live in Lexington, SC. Hollie died in the small town of Rowesville, SC about 70 miles away.

Where your child is buried or other:  Hollie loved the beach and her hometown and family. We are originally from Sarasota, Fl and all our family is still there, so we took her home and she is buried close to the Bay and Gulf. Hollie was making plans to move back for her sophomore year when she was killed.  

Did you have a funeral, memorial, or other: We had a memorial here in Lexington. There were so many people and I was exhausted and in a fog. We flew home with her to Sarasota where we held her funeral at Saint Martha Catholic Church and she is buried in a very nice cemetary.

Did you receive counseling: I do speak with a counselor about every two weeks, but sometimes I feel worse after I leave. I get to talk about Hollie alot there, which is good because I feel like she's being forgotten, but it sometimes feel like it's tearing the scab off again.

What has helped you cope the most: At this point nothing, that's why I'm on here, hoping it helps.

Did you start a foundation or tradition after the death of your son/daughter: We do have a scholarship account set up in Hollie's name, but are finding it hard to take the next step and really organize it. Hollie was a nursing student and would have been the best nurse in the world.

Advice: I am the last person to give advice, I'm looking for advice.

Faith or lack thereof: I know this will make some people angry, but I'm only being honest. I am so mad at God right now and not convinced there is even a God or anything but nothingness after death. I have waited and asked for Hollie to let me know she's okay, but nothing yet. I know that if she could, she would send me a sign and not want me to be so heartbroken, so it leads me to beleive she is just gone. Gone and I will never see her, hear her, or hold her again.

[hotrod]

Dear Holliesmom,

I am so sorry to read of the loss of your beautiful, lovely daughter. She has such a beautiful smile and I am sure she would have been a great nurse!!!

 Please keep coming back here, read,  post and become part of this wonderful compassionate group who have also lost our precious children and know how painful that is. 

 I too was extremely angry with God at the loss of my son Stephen, but somehow in the 21/2 years since I he passed I have found more peace with the loss and I am able to pray .  

Praying for your peace.

[mysonrich]

Dear Holliesmom,  I am also sorry to read of the loss of your daughter. She has beautiful, bright eyes. I joined BI around March 09 after the death of my son, Rich. Rich died in his sleep due to a cardiac dysrhythmia, artery anomaly. He was 20 years young.

I am not in a place to give advice but I can offer support. If you join us at Loss of an Adult Child, here at BI, you will find many wonderful people that have lost children of all ages, where one supports another.

 

Betsy,mysonRich

[hotsauce]

dear holliesmom,

i am so sorry to hear that your  daughter Hollie has become an angel.  i am pretty new here also (july).  i lost my only child Brian, to leukemia on may 1, 09. 

there is a great bunch of people on this site and they all know what you are going thru.  not the the best road to travel.

like all the angels here you are in my prayers.

mary ann

[holliesmom]

Thanks for the kind replies. I really am hoping those of you who are on this neverending journey can offer some advice. Right now it feels like I'm in a nightmare that will never end. My worst fear is that Hollie will be forgotten, like her life never mattered and I don't think I can live with that. She was such a vibrant, beautiful, loving person and I miss her energy so much.

I'd like to share her life with those of you who care to listen. I'll try to pass a little of her energy on. Among her nicknames,we called her Pretty, not only because she was pretty of face, but because she had a beautiful soul.

I miss you Pretty!

Love Mommy.

[hotrod]

Hi Holliesmom

I am sure Hollie was "PRETTY" both inside and out.  In her picture she does "sparkle"and is radiant.   We who have lost a child do understand your biggest fear 

That your wonderful daughter will be forgotten. 

Please keep coming here.  Tell us more and more about your daughter and keep her name and life alive with us.  We promise to do the same with our children. 

My son Stephen rebuilt his old car into a fast race car and loved to call himself "HotRod"  That is the  reason for that name on my login

Please join everyone on the Loss of Adult Child Board and more parents will respond to you.

Pretty, Hollie will not be forgotten here.

[nannon]

I lost my son Gabriel on 09/02/09, he was 2 months and 22 days old. My husband found him in his crib when he went to wake him for his last feeding of the day. My husband is a sweet man so when he ran in the bathroom screaming Gabe was dead, I didn't understand why he was saying such a mean thing. I ran to the changing table and knew instantly he was gone. His legs and arms were all white, mouth and gums were blue, he was ice cold. I started CPR even though having worked in an ER it was too late, so many statics ran in my head. Medical Examiner said he suffocated. I had the monitor on the whole evening, put his brother to bed about 40 minutes after I had put Gabe to bed, but I never heard my baby dying.

My husband has been wonderful but I can't stop feeling like I am responsible. So many "I should have done......." keep running in my head. Everyday that night replays, and like others on this board I fear my son will be forgotten. Yesterday, I was just told by my sister-in-law that she is pregnant, I can't honestly say I'm happy for them. When does this self-hate end? Does it ever?

Nannon

[mysonrich]

Nannon, I am sorry to read of the loss of your sweet little guy.  Its good that you found this place, BI, but of course, we all wish we never did. There are many posters on the Loss Of An Adult Child thread. Children of all ages and their mom's and dad's gather there. When you can please join us there.

 

Betsy, myson;Rich

[hotsauce]

nannon,

i am so sorry for the lost of your angel Gabriel.

your family is in my prayers.

mary ann

[shorty16]

Nannon

Boy, can I relate to the guilt thing.  My 16 year old son, Brian was riding ON the hood of a car and his friend drove 68 mph in a 25mph zone and slammed into 3 trees - killing Brian within minutes.

My son left our home that way - on the car.  How could I not have seen them.  Why didn't I call him home.

WHY, HOW, WHY still goes through my head, but Brian is dead and that thought is a dead end road.  I can think that now, because over a year has passed, but for months I blamed myself, no one else in my family did - ------it is not your fault.  I can say that to you, because I am living it.

Colleen

[cousin2anangel]

Lucas was born on September 22, 1999 a beautiful & healthy baby boy...But God had another plan.

Lucas was taken back home on March 19, 2000. After a 5 day battle with Cancer.

We miss you ...

"Kids aren't suppose to have cancer, they're suppose to have a future." - Jeff Foxworthy

Around a few months before Lucas' cousins 7th Birthday (March 11th) brusing was showing up on his body & Lucas wasn't a baby who moved around alot so the bruises we didnt know how he was getting them. Lucas cried everytime someone put him down he always had to be held. He was also a sick baby but no one knew why.

After Lucas cousin 7th Birthday in March 2000 he got much worse so they sent him in to the Hospital in town on the 15th. He was then sent to McMasters Children's Hospital in Hamilton. There he was diagnosed with AML The Leukemia adults get. He was covered. He was diagnosed on March 16th.

Lucas got a port put in & given Chemo, but it was just to much Cancer in his body. On the night of March 18 he got mich worse & they knew he wasnt going to make it. On March 19, 2000 around noon Lucas' body couldn't fight anymore & he went to be with the King of Kings in Heaven.

On March 19, 2000 our little "Hero" was cancer free & fully healed in Heaven.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/lucasryan

Name, age, cause of death & date of death of deceased child (or children) - Lucas, 5 Months Old, AML (Cancer) He had the Adult kind & was found to late. He fought for 5 days.

Other children and ages: His big brother Wade

Married, single, partner: His Mom is married

Where you live now, where your child died: Ontario, Canada, he died at the Hospital in Hamitlon.

Where your child is buried or other: Lucas is burried at Oakhill Cemetery, City of Brantford.

Did you have a funeral, memorial, or other: His funeral was on his "what would have been" 6 Month Birthday. He was burried that day aswell.

Did you receive counseling: No

What has helped you cope the most:  Family

Did you start a foundation or tradition after the death of your son/daughter: The Cancer Sucks Club! was started in his memory by me...

http://www.myspace.com/thecancersucksclub

FB: http://www.facebook.com/inbox/?ref=mb#/pages/The-Cancer-Sucks-Club/143743324360?ref=ts

Advice: Everyone Grieves differently

Faith or lack thereof: I believe we will see Lucas again in Heaven & we are forever waiting until that day...

[shellbellsmom]

Name, age, cause of death & date of death of deceased child (or children) – Michelle Lunn, 22, complications of leukemia (ALL), July 21, 2007.  Michelle went into the hospital on June 14, 2008 and was admitted into ICU on 7/8/09 and put into an induced coma; she never came out of it.  She passed away July 21, 2007 Just 38 days from when she was diagnosed.   Memorial site: http://michelle-lunn.virtual-memorials.com/

Other children and ages: Matthew, age 22 (Almost older than his older sister now)

Married, single, partner: Married to a wonderful man who is not only my soul mate but also my best friend.  We have been married  for 25 years.

Where you live now, where your child died: We live in Ada, Michigan and Michelle died in Grand Rapids MI just 9 Miles away. 

Where your child is buried or other:  Michelle is buried in Ada, Cemetery just ½ miles away from our home.  We can see her grave site from the road and pass by it every day.  At night her solar lights shine on her.   

Did you have a funeral, memorial, or other: We had a visitation with a memorial service which friends and family shared special memories of Michelle.  The following day we had a funeral at our Catholic Church.  Everyone wore pink (her favorite color) and her cousin brought up special gifts of her as an offering.  Her ballbearers were friends from college and cousins.

Did you receive counseling: I did seek out counseling for one year.  I don’t think she helped much and I just went to make sure I got out of the house that day.  She didn’t specialize in grief counseling.  I did attend a grief support group 3 weeks after Michelle’s death, and I still attend once a week at Gildas Club in our town.  I also attend a twice a month grief support group through Hospice.  Both have helped me greatly.  I not only met others who have lost children like me,  it offers me a place to talk about my child. 

What has helped you cope the most: Attending support groups.  We also do a lot of fundraising for the LLS which benefits others with cancer.  That helps a lot.

Did you start a foundation or tradition after the death of your son/daughter: Yes, we have the Michelle Lunn Hope Foundation http://www.mlhope.org which we support the LLS and plan on having a scholarship in my daughter’s name soon.  We have raised over $22,000 this year, and over $43,000 since her death. 

Advice: Seek friendships from others who have experienced loses like yourself. 

Faith or lack thereof: I  believe in God.  I am not a active church goer though.  I am very spiritual and know my Michelle is looking out for us in heaven. 

[Guest]

Name, age, cause of death & date of death of deceased child (or children) : Stephanie Elaine Trujillo (Keck), 28yrs old.  Died from injuries sustained in an ATV accident on August 9, 2009 at 10:55am.  She lost control of the four-wheeler she was riding and ran into a barbed wire fence.  Her throat was slit – she bled out within seconds and died.  She had a cut on her arm and a few other scrapes.  No broken bones.

Other children and ages: Amanda, age 30. Curtis age 25 and his wife Cindy age 21. Jennifer age 24 and her husband Jason age 30.  13 grandchildren.  Three of whom were Stephanies and we are fighting for custody of them.

Married, single, partner: Married to my best friend Gary. 

Where you live now, where your child died: We live in Casper Wyoming where Stephanie died.

Where your child is buried or other:  Stephanie was cremated.  Her ashes are in a beautiful gold urn with a picture of her etched on it. It sits “center stage” in my curio cabinet where she can be seen from all areas of the front living area.

Did you have a funeral, memorial, or other: A memorial service on Friday the 14^th.  450 to 500 people attended.

Did you receive counseling:.  I am currently in counseling.

What has helped you cope the most: That night, about midnight, as my kids and I sat outside, smoking,  under a patio, a wild bird flew under the roof, inbetween my neck and the back of the chair and landed on my right shoulder.  When I can’t cope, the reminder that a wild bird landed on my shoulder at midnight, while I had a lit cigarette in my hand and went to a lot of work to get there, helps me hold on.

Did you start a foundation or tradition after the death of your son/daughter:.  No

Advice: Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. 

Faith or lack thereof:  I believe in God and spiritual principles.  I think anything’s possible.  Except for hell.  I don’t believe in hell.

 My name is Susannah