Tell us about your deceased child

[azsummer2003]

Hello all. My name is Lori and my only son Taylor died in a tragic (and preventable) drowning accident a few years ago. Taylor was 17 and a child with an old soul. He was smart, articulate, kind, humorous, athletic and most of all, my only son. *sigh*

Unfortunately, Taylor died when I was at an age where I was unable to conceive anymore children. I do regret not having more children. I have a surviving daughter who is now many states away attending college. I am blessed that she has survived this and is thriving. However, it has taken her years to become the silly little girl she was before Taylor died.

Please tell us all about your wonderful child that has passed. Also, any advice that you have to pass on to the newly bereaved parents that visit this website. I will start. I hope this thread will give other grieving parents an idea that they are not alone in their grief and that our community will support them as they travel down this journey of grief.

Just copy and paste to the next post and add your own information.

Name, age, cause of death & date of death of deceased child (or children) - Taylor, he was 17 when he hit his head and drowned while fishing. He died on July 17, 2005.

Other children and ages: Brooke, she is 18 now, she was 14 when Taylor died.

Married, single, partner: I am married and have been for 21 years. Marriage is "different" now.

Where you live now, where your child died: I now live in Pittsburgh, PA. My son died the same week we were moving from Arizona to PA!

Where your child is buried or other: We keep Taylor's ashes next to our bed. We have a memorial plaque for him at the Hanson Memorial Park in Scottsdale, Arizona.

Did you have a funeral, memorial, or other: We had a memorial with a picture of Taylor on stage because his body was under water for two days. We had a private viewing where he was placed on a table (gurney) in his favorite shorts, t-shirt and sandals. We held him, kissed him, layed down next to him and touched him. We took a few small cuts of hair and put them into a plastic bag. He was cremated and his remains are in a wooden box which we keep on the night stand next to our bed.

Did you receive counseling: I did for about two weeks, but I realized that the grief expert did not "get it" since she had no idea what I was going through. Talking to other bereaved parents has been the most beneficial.

What has helped you cope the most: Online support groups and forums. Not enough support group meetings where I live. Compassionate Friends has one meeting once a month but it is an hour away. Hospice has some, but most of those parents had been prepared for the death of their child, I felt very much the odd man out.

Did you start a foundation or tradition after the death of your son/daughter: We started a non-profit organization called The Taylor Fund. We help underprivileged children through various means. We have a golf outing that raises money each year. We try to do this on or near Taylor's death date.

Advice: All I can tell you is to give your grief respect. Don't try to be brave or strong. Understand that you are no longer the same person you were before your child died. You are now a new person and and have been fundamentally changed forever. I have found that people who have met me after my son died are easier to be around because they do not expect me to "get over it" or go back to being the "old me."

Faith or lack thereof: I was spiritual, sort of Reform Jewish, (inactive), My husband is Christain. My children were brought up celebrating many different holidays. I am much less of a believer in G-d then I was before Taylor died. I look for signs of life after death, and feel that there is no right religion, maybe even no g-d, but an energy force that lives on. At least I hope so....

Website of your child, or one you would like to share: http://www.TaylorBurgstahler.memory-of.com

[lolynbo]

ITS NOT WHO OUR CHILD WAS ITS WHO THEY ARE..

[valene74]

Hello family of survivors of adult children who died. My name is Valerie and my son, Geoff, died in his sleep on January 2, 2009 at age 22 of "corrected" transposition of the great vessels.  I have a surviving son, Sean, who is 24.  We knew that Geoff had CTGV his whole life, but never in our wildest dreams did we think that he would die at age 22.  He was strong, independent, stubborn, sweet, fun, handsome, active, attending college, and working part-time as a waiter.  He loved life and was wonderful.  We loved him very much.

Right now I have nothing in the way of hope and light to post to newly grieving parents, except for the first phone call that I received that told me that Geoff was dead was absolutely horrific and today is not as bad as that first day.  Every day gets a little tiny tiny tiny tiny (tiny) bit better.  You know nothing will ever be as bad as that day.  If you can live through that day, you know you can live through anything.  You can look around the room, and think to yourself, look what horror I have lived through - when a stranger tells you to "get over it", just reflect to yourself what you've already lived through.

Name, age, cause of death & date of death of deceased child (or children) - Geoff. 22, January 2, 2009

Other children and ages: Sean, 24

Married, single, partner: Married, newlywed, (well, sorta, I am 52) married December 30, 2008; son died the same week of marriage; poor dear husband got married and lost his stepson in same week

Where you live now, where your child died: Son lived in Fort Lauderdale where we all still live; son's father lives in Phoenix, AZ

Where your child is buried or other: My son's ashes are spread all over the U.S. as he requested; son loved to travel and wanted desperately to move to New York City

Did you have a funeral, memorial, or other: We had a memorial service for Geoff in a funeral home room that held 188 that was standing room only.  We had music, powerpoint presentation with photos galore, his surfboard, his shoes, his hats, all his friends, his family, his co-workers, my co-workers, my ex-husbands co-workers; this boy was much much loved. Every one who met Geoff loved him.

Did you receive counseling: Not yet, but unless you  have lost a child, I will not likely listen to your advice.  I have a degree in psychology; I have a  bunch of grief books and I really listen to the people who have been through this experience.

What has helped you cope the most: Online support groups and forums. Grief books.  I am going to Compassionate Friends next month.  I have a psychiatrist already.  I believe in counseling.

Did you start a foundation or tradition after the death of your son/daughter: No.

Advice: Be patient and be kind to yourself.  Don't let anyone tell you what or how to grieve.  Don't be embarrassed by being emotional.

Faith or lack thereof: I am faithful and spiritual but not religious.  I know that Geoff's spirit is out there in the universe.  Energy like Geoff's will never be wasted. 

[hotrod]

Helloe Valerie,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved son, Geoff. The clarity you have about your grief and the great love you have for your son is so very evident in your post.

I lost my only son, Stephen 20 months ago and I hear your pain.  He too was loved by many, loved life and had many dreams.

I find the BI Message Board a wonderful place to visit and connect with others who understand the great loss and sadness I feel.

You enriched my day with your post so please come back often and share you heart.

Betty  

 

 

[stephaniesmommy]

Name, age, cause of death & date of death of deceased child (or children) - Stephanie Dukes- age 10 years old - hit while riding her bike by a car . She was hit on September 18th 2008 but never regained consciousness. Lifeflighted to Childrens Hospital and declared brain dead. Official date of death 09-19-2008

Other children and ages: Married, single, partner:  3 children Sabastian 20, September (19)  and Kaitlin (16)  1 granddaughter - Riley age 21 months and I am married but had been separted up until two months before this happened.

Where you live now, where your child died: I live in Texas in the same house. It's been four months now. My child was hit about a block away and i pass this everytime i go to work as well as going by the cemetary. Both are on my way to work. I can't escape it.

Where your child is buried or other: . Stephanie is buried in a cemetary about a mile or two from my home. 

Did you have a funeral, memorial, or other: We had a funeral at a large church. There was a great deal of support by our community.  My husband- stephanie's father is a police dispatcher - so STephanie was treated as one of their own with a great number of fire , ambulance and police at the funeral and the cemetary. They paid their respects to one of their own.

 Did you receive counseling: I have not recieved counseling. I am not opposed to it though. I just can't imagine what anyone could say that would suddenly make me feel ok with this. I am not ok with this.

What has helped you cope the most: I have been a lurker here and on a few other boards- knowing i am not alone- helps. Also- there is a lady at work who lost her daughter in May of 2008 on graduation day. She was driving home from the practice and lost control of her car. The daughter was a volunteer fireman in their community. Her and I have cried alot together. We get each other. Before this happened- i didn't even know who she was. We are both nurses at the same hospital. She is lactation- I do labor and delivery.  Now- she is a great source of comfort and support. She knows my pain and i understand hers- and all of yours too.

Did you start a foundation or tradition after the death of your son/daughter:  I would love to get information on how to start a foundation. It hasn't been long enough to start a tradition. We still take her best friend out to eat and help the best friend out. 

Advice:        I don't have any advice to give just yet. I am still wandering around in disbelief alot of the times oh and numb.   I  just take one day at a time. I don't know another way.

 

 Faith or lack thereof:  My faith has grown. I want to be where she is- in Heaven.

 

I haven't even joined until today but I have been reading. Thank you . I am so sorry for all of us.

Cindy

[hotrod]

Hellos Cindy,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter Stephanie.  I understand the unbearable pain you have/are living with.  I too found this board a few months after my son passed away and would sit for hours just reading the postings.  It helped to know I was not alone in my sadness.  If you would like to dialogue with people on the board who have  lost a young child may I suggest you post to the

Loss of a Teenager thread.  That is where you will find the  most support and uplifting responses from other moms and dads who are also walking this painful road.

You are in my prayers.

 

Betty   

[naisnaismom]

Name, age, cause of death & date of death of deceased child (or children) - Renee Alyse, 22.  She and another girl were hit by a car on a country road.  The driver didn't stop.  April 19, 2008.

Other children and ages: Son, Robbie.  28. 

Married, single, partner: Married for 35 years.   Very different now....

Where you live now, where your child died: McGregor, Texas.  Moody, Texas

Where your child is buried or other: Crawford, Texas

Did you have a funeral, memorial, or other: We had a beautiful funeral for Renee.  Visitation was so long..  The funeral had to be moved from the funeral home to a large church in our town because of the amount of people expected.  All differt types of people came to pay their respects.  It was a testimony to the type of child our daughter was.  Non-judgemental...

Did you receive counseling: No, I have found Compassionate Friends and this forum to be helpful.  Also, I have a great support staff of family and friends.

What has helped you cope the most: Online support groups and forums.

Did you start a foundation or tradition after the death of your son/daughter: We did a local school scholarship last year and plan to do the same this year. 

Advice: I am still looking for my space...

Faith or lack thereof: I didn't know if I had much faith, till now.  I believe if you don't have some sort of faith, you will not survive.  I have to believe that this all happened in his plan.  I also believe that a spiritual relationship is necessary.  My daughter was not a outwardly "saved" person, but I have found letters and prayers that let me know she had a relationship with God...This is very comforting to me...

[mpsmom]

Cindy ( Stephanie's Mommy)   I am so sorry for your loss, my only daughter Bethany died from sudden heart failure on September 20, 2008.  It is hard to believe it is 2009 --- that life has gone on with out her.  I have found this website to be such a lifeline, we are all here for you, come often and read , post when you are up to it.  I post on the loss of an adult child board -- my daughter was 17.5 and I feel more of a connection with the mothers and fathers there, I started on the loss of a teeneager board but found myself jumping around alot trying to keep up, there are no rules, you can post anywhere you want.  The pain seems to get slightly softer (some days) with time.  None of us will ever be the same again. 

Warm Hugs to You , Marcia   Bethany's Mom Forever.  

[stephaniesmommy]

Marcia,

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter Bethany.   So, we are in to this journy about the same amount of time- my daugher passed away officially on 9-19-08 although  I feel she was gone on 9-18-08.  It is the saddest thing i've ever experienced in my life- which i am sure you all know EXACTLY what i am feeling. 

Life is going on, has to go on, but will never be the same.  I have been lurking here since it happened, just never posted or joined.

Thank you for your warm welcome and words of comfort. I am so sorry that any of us are here.  This is a sad that stays around for ever.  I do have a strong belief in God- so i do know i'll see my Stephanie again and that helps- sometimes.

Cindy

[hotrod]

Dear Naisnaismom

 

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your , Renee Alyse.  Renee Alyse sounds like a beautiful person both inside and out.  It appears she was loved by many.

I am glad you found this site.  Everyone here understands as few others can.  We hear the unspoken sadness and know the depth of your pain.  To suffer the loss of your child so unexpectedly is so very painful.

My son Stephen passsed away 20 months ago and although he was ill  I was at a complete loss when he passed.

Please keep coming back .  I do not post often but do visit daily and find solace.

Many parents post on the :Loss of adult child thread on this board.  You will receive much support if you post there.

You are not alone

 

 

[mysonrich]

Hello everyone, I've been lurking for a little over a month now. I find it difficult to write and correspond here due to the fact that I still can not believe my son died and joining you all here, well, it will make his death more real. I'll start by telling you about my son Richard. A little for now. Perhaps this is a step in acceptance ? understanding? Something

 

Name, age, cause of death & date of death of deceased child (or children) - Richard was just 20 years old when he died in his sleep on Jan 18,2009. Cause of death, pending.

children and ages: Sarah, 22 and best of friends.

Married, single, partner: Divorced 10 years 

Where you live now, where your child died: I live in NEPA now after relocating due to a new job 6 months ago. Richard lived in SEPA, 2 hours away.

Where your child is buried or other: I keep Richards ashes near me with his graduation photo , so proud and not even 2 years ago.

Did you have a funeral, memorial, or other: We had a memorial service with pictures of Rich throughout his life. His sister arranged several on 3 poster boards which were placed in front near the flowers. There were also the 8x10's that were placed around the funeral home.

Did you receive counseling: You guys.

What has helped you cope the most: Friends, family, co-workers to an extent.Now finding everyone moves on and  the path I take now is less traveled .

Did you start a foundation or tradition after the death of your son/daughter: My daughter, ex,  and I have discussed this but don't have a plan of action as yet.

Advice: Reach out, ask for help, cry, scream but try not to do this alone.

 

Faith or lack thereof: Christain.

[hotrod]

Welcome MYSONRICH

I am so very sorry for the oh so recent loss of your precious son Richard. 

You have taken a very big  positive step in posting here.  As you   have seen by reading many posts, you are not alone. This board is  a very special place to come, read and find solace.  Yes everyone seems to move on with their lives, but here with people who have lived and experienced the same profound loss,  you will find comfort, understanding and compassion.  Most importantly you will find you are not alone.

I do not post often but do read and when someone posts on this Thread I do point out that Posting On LOSS OF ADULT CHILD Thread, when you are ready to interact with others will introduce you to a number of kind, wise and understanding people.

Holding you and your son Richard in my thoughts and prayers.

[shorty16]

Mysonrich

You have come to the right place.  I am 8 months into this terrible journey and need this site to know I am not going crazy.

My son, Brian was killed while he was carsurfing.  Such an insane act of teenage youth. 

I am also glad to hear from a Dad.  Your view on things can be very insightful to us Moms and we would love to hear more from you more.

Even though my son was a teenager, I post on Loss of an Adult Child, because we have come to know each other.

Colleen,  Brian's Mother Forever

 

[lostwoher]

MYSONRICH,  So sorry for your loss and that you are a member here. Please know that you are not alone. It took me a few weeks to join but I am so 'happy' that I did. The people here know exactly what you are going thru and will give awesome advice or listen to whatever you may want to say. We are all on this journey together. Yes, please join us on Loss of a Child. Tell us whatever you want us to know about your son. I lost my daughter Kayla to a drowning accident 8/12/08. I still cant believe it happened. Some days/nights I think that she is away on vacation and keeps extending it because she is having such a great time but my heart knows otherwise. Hope to more from you soon.

Lynn

[nicksdad]

MySonRich...

I am sorry for your loss. I'm sure you will find much support from this group as I know I have.

NicksDad

[lolynbo]

Name, age, cause of death & date of death of deceased child (or children) - KOURTNEY LYNN BRACKETT-CARGAL 22, BRAIN TUMOR DIED JUNE 17TH 2008

Other children and ages:  KIMBERLY 25, KODY 16

Married, single, partner: MARRIED

Where you live now, where your child died: ARDMORE OK, SHE DIED IN MUSKOGEE OK

Where your child is buried or other: ROSE HILL CEMETARY IN THE MIDDLE OF 9 PLOTS, 2 MILES FROM OUR HOUSE

Did you have a funeral, memorial, or other: YES, A VERY LARGE FUNERAL OVER 400 PPL, THE PLACE COULDNT ACCOMIDATE FOR THEM ALL BUT IT WENT GREAT AS FAR AS FUNERALS GO FOR YOUR BABY

Did you receive counseling: No, I have found Compassionate Friends and this forum to be helpful.  Also, I have a great support staff of family and friends.

What has helped you cope the most: FAMILY, CHURCH, BI

Did you start a foundation or tradition after the death of your son/daughter: YES, KOURTNEYS KLOSET-FREE CLOTHES FOR FAMILIES IN NEED

Advice: JUST PRAY ALOT, AND HOLD ON

Faith or lack thereof: I STILL BELEIVE GOD IS IN CONTROL EVEN THOUGH I ASKED FOR HER TO BE HEALED, I JUST DIDNT KNOW HOW HEALED SHE WOULD BE

READ MY PROFILE MY HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE IS ON THERE..

[valene74]

My Son Rich:

I'm so glad you found your way to BI and I am so so sorry you found your way to BI.  We are all here for you.  Here is a big virtual hug headed your way.  You will feel as if you are in a big cloud of bad right now, I know.  Go soft in your steps and wrap yourself in kindness.  We all love you.  I am here if you need me.  I lost my son January 2, 2009.  I am only a few weeks behind your horrific loss.  My son was 22.  Your son is beautiful.

Don't worry if you are forgetting things and crying and feeling like you can't make it.  Everyone here has told me that is normal (horrifically normal).  Hang on and keep coming back here.  Send me a message any time you like.  I am here for you.  This blog is the only thing that gets me through my day right now.

Your Friend Valerie

xoxo

[mattsmum]

Mysonrich,

I have not long joined this WONDERFUL forum, where people just support you through this awful journey we are on.

I am much more advanced than a lot of people, I even get to counsel children with grief issues, but when it comes to my own grief, well that is a different matter altogether.

You are so new to this Grief Journey, you will be tired from your loss and just needing others to support you, whilst you rest from your pain and sadness. 

You need to think of you at the moment, keep well, eat when you can and sleep when you can - but do not expect too much of yourself.  This journey we walk is a long, tiring and often very painful one - but there is rest for the soul, there are fellow companions who will carry us and support us.  We are sorry you are here, sorry for your dreadful loss, but pleased you have found us.

Gentle hugs,

Gerry x

[mysonrich]

Thank you Gerry. Did I see a picture of your son with curly hair?

[mattsmum]

[user=27668]mysonrich[/user] wrote:

Thank you Gerry. Did I see a picture of your son with curly hair?

Mysonrich,

Yes you did - he had 'permed' hair well it was all the rage in the 1990's - we teased him mercilessly over it and he was heartbroken when after having his first round of chemo, his hair fell out.  Still he made the most of his 'bald head' by wearing a succession of caps. 

Hope you are having a peaceful day, remember to take good care of yourself and cope with each day as it comes.  We are always around to listen and comfort x

Hugs

Gerry x

[ethansmuffin]

Name, age, cause of death & date of death of deceased child (or children) - Ethan Jarrod Johr, Quadbike accident - passed away 27 October 2008

Other children and ages:  Zionne 21, Zavia 18

Married, single, partner: MARRIED

Where you live now, where your child died: Africa, Namibia, Windhoek

Where your child is buried or other: Windhoek, Pionierspark Cemetry

Did you have a funeral, memorial, or other: YES, A VERY LARGE FUNERAL OVER 400 PPL, THE PLACE COULDNT ACCOMIDATE FOR THEM ALL BUT IT WENT GREAT AS FAR AS FUNERALS GO FOR YOUR BABY

Did you receive counseling: Yes, I have found this forum to be very helpful.  Also, I have great support from family and friends.

What has helped you cope the most: Friends, BI

Did you start a foundation or tradition after the death of your son/daughter: we would like to- still to soon...thinking of a mathematics trophy as well as socer and swimming sponsorships....

Advice: Cry..pray...find common understanding...

Faith or lack thereof: I am a christian...Believe in God...althouht my faith has been severly tested...not ready to talk about that.

[shorty16]

Name, age, cause of death & date of death of deceased child (or children) - Brian Scott Jackson,age 16, car-surfing accident (yes my son was on the hood of the car when it crashed) - passed away 19 June 2008 at the accident scene

Other children and ages:  Michelle 19, Aaron 15

Married, single, partner: MARRIED, 20 years to Scott

Where you live now, where your child died: Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin USA.  Brian died only 1/4 mile from our home.  I pass the accident scene almost every day.

Where your child is buried or other: We have Brian's ashes.  No burial, no headstone, only alot of love.

Did you have a funeral, memorial, or other: YES, The funeral was at our Church.  Over 600 people attended.  We did not want to have a service at a funeral home.  But since the funeral at the church, my two kids refuse to go back to that church.  I never thought that would happen.

Did you receive counseling: Yes, I did not stay with professional counseling very long, I talk with other women who have lost children and that helps.  BI lets me breath.

What has helped you cope the most: Friends, BI, others who offer support and allow me to talk about my son and be the new me.  The old me died the same day as my son.

Did you start a foundation or tradition after the death of your son/daughter: Not so much of a foundation or tradition, but we purchased a very large lannonstone table and bench set, placed a plaque to Brian in the middle and donated the entire thing to Sunburst ski area.  Brian was an avid snowboarder and was very good at it. We are also donating the Senior gift to Hamilton HS.  5, 48" oval lannonstone benches.

Advice: Be kind to yourself, cry alot, hug alot and surround yourself with people who will allow you to be the new you and not force you to be the old you.  The old you died the same day as your child.

Faith or lack thereof: God did not make Brian get on the hood of that car, Brian made Brian get on the hood of that car - God received him.  I know I will see my son again.

Colleen,  Brian's Mother Forever

[4everkylesmom]

Name, age, cause of death & date of death of deceased child (or children) - Kyle Gregory, 4 months and 1 week, died of SIDS  on 2/7/09

Other children and ages:  Erin - 16

Married, single, partner: MARRIED to Greg for almost 8 years

Where you live now, where your child died: Beech Grove, IN - - same.

Where your child is buried or other: We have his ashes at home with us.

Did you have a funeral, memorial, or other: We had a visitation for him at the FH.  I was absolutely shocked at the number of people who showed up.  Even friends I had not seen in years and didn't even know that Kyle was even born.

Did you receive counseling: No not yet.  That's actually how I Found this site.  Looking online for ways to get support.

What has helped you cope the most: Family and friends.

Did you start a foundation or tradition after the death of your son/daughter: No.

Advice: I really like what was stated below "Be kind to yourself, cry alot, hug alot and surround yourself with people who will allow you to be the new you and not force you to be the old you.  The old you died the same day as your child." 

Faith or lack thereof: I still have faith in God and know that Kyle is with him right now.  But it is really hard right now to understand why my baby boy is not with me.

A little about Kyle's story.  My husband and I have been together for almost 11 years.  I had my daughter from a previous relationship.  We thought he was sterile and that we would never have any kids of our own.  I have been off of birth control for 6 years.  Then, last February, I found out I was pregnant.  Talk about a shock.  I had a daughter that would be 16 by the time the baby was born.  We kept joking that we would be having one go to college and one going to pre-school.  But when Kyle was born on September 28th 2008, it had to be one of the most happiest days of our lives.  He was a perfect baby.  The nurse even told us that he scored a 'perfect 10' on the apgar test.  Greg kept calling Kyle his 'perfect 10 baby boy'.  He was such a happy baby for the most part.  He did have a slight spell of colic, but nothing too bad.  The night it happened, I was out of the house with my daughter at choir practice and by husband was watching the baby.  At 9:05 pm, I received a call on my cell phone from the police department telling me I had to get home as soon as possible.  When I got home, they had already taken Kyle to the hospital.  He wasn't breathing.  When we got to the hospital, they had his heart beating again, but he was on a vent.  They then transferred him to Riley's Children's Hopital.  This all happened on a Wednesday night.  My baby boy never woke up.  We had to 'unplug' him on Saturday the 7th of February.  The absolute worst day of my life.

The absolute hardest thing for me to understand is why God gave us this perfect gift; one that we thought we would never have.  We were happy with just the three of us; Erin, me and Greg.  Then the blessed day Kyle came and made our family complete.  Then to take him away from us just four short months later.  I honestly don't know if I will EVER get over the pain I feel.  There is no more normal.  I used to be a happy person.  Everyone always told me that I always had a smile on my face.  I don't think I will ever be that person again.  I feel guilty about smiling now.  All I want to do is cry.  I feel soooo guilty for not being at home.  All of the If's:  If I was home it wouldn't have happened. If I was home I could have given him CPR and saved him. etc., etc.  I don't think I will ever get passed that.

That is my story.  Thanks for letting me tell it. 

Liz 

[4everjoeysmom]

My name is Claudia Labrador, and I am known here at BI as 4everjoeysmom.

My son, Joseph Scott McConkey, died 1 week shy of his 24th birthday. Augusts 7, 1982-July 31, 2006. Joey, having been at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people, was on foot, on railroad tracks, and was struck and killed by a freight train.

I have a surviving son: Patrick.

I am married to Michael.

I live in Ecuador. My son died in ILLinois.

Joey's ashes are spread at his dad;s ranch in ILLinois, in a pasture where he and his dad raised horses together since Joey's childhood. His horses still roam there.

we held a memorial service that my husband officiated at the request of Joey's dad. It was a very honoring tribute.

I have not officially received counseling, though I have shared in the wisdom of many counselors who know and understand my grief. This and my faith has been my coping mechanism.

My husband and I are missionaries, voluntary, full time, in S America. We began this journey in January 2006, and chose to continue on this path following Joey's death. I believe Joey is best honored by us continuing our journey on God's path for our lives, despite the adversities.

I have picked up pearls of wisdom and advice along my journey, and I share them as often as I can. It seems there are no appropriate words to share here as a single most precious piece of advice. God just gives me the right words at the right place, at the right time, if I am listening and open to sharing. This is my faith--trusting God in all circumstances of my life, knowing He is God and I am not, and He sacrificed everything for me. His sacrifice and Joey's spark of faith in Him gives me the hope I carry that one day I will be reunited with my son in the presence and glory of God.

About Joey: http://joey-mcconkey.virtual-memorials.com/

[alexsmom]

Hi, my name is Kay.  I live in Arlington, TX.  I lost a newborn daughter "Alex" in Feb 2001.  She died of a genetic defect at 3 days old.  We didn't know there was even a problem until she was being delivered C-section.  She came out not breathing.  They had to rescusitate her right there in front of me - 4 feet away.  It was like watching a train wreck happen.  In addition, I had told the Dr.s to tie my tubes thinking I would have the 2 children I always wanted.  It never occurred to me that she might die.  They tied my tubes alright. I suffered the loss of the baby and the ability to have any more at the same time.  I wish I had found this board back then.  I have found healing through the years and want to share my recovery with others who are so new to this horrible loss.

For me, the initial loss was just disbelief.  I wandered around in this empty fog for about 5-6 months.  All I could do was breathe in and breathe out and walk through the day - one day (sometimes one minute) at a time.  I woke up, showered, got dressed, went to work, breathed in and out, and before I knew it another day had passed.  That was all there was in life for about 6 months.  I was single at the time and had another child, a son from my first marriage who was almost 6 at the time that I had to take care of.  I was a single mom grieving the loss of a shild...alone.

The way I describe it now, looking back, is that my life felt like a mirror that had been thrown onto the floor and shattered into a million tiny shards and I had the job of picking all of it up and somehow putting it back together.  It looked impossible at the time.  I eventually realized that my new life would not the same as the old.  I was forever changed.  But that didn't have to be a bad thing.  I could be a new me.  I had my son to take care of and he still needed me.  I got mad at God for a while but eventually realized that He was the only one who was big enough to get me through the pain.  I talked about it alot when I could.

At about 1 year after her death, my arms and legs all fell off. They say it is this way.  That is when I started grieving.  It took a long time and a year of therapy with a good professional.  I took anti-depressants also. 

Today (8 years later) I am OK.  Alex is in heaven and I will be with her when my time here is up.  I have since married (someone other than Alex's dad) and I am very happy.

Happy....I felt guilty to be happy for a while after Alex died.  I know now that Alex wouldn't have wanted me to be unhappy.  I thought to myself....would I want folks to be unhappy forever if I died?  Of course not.

The loss of a child is extremely hard on a marriage.  Support eachother.  Both of you are going through this at the same time and it is hard for one to be there for the other.  You are both licking huge wounds but remember your partner hurts just like you.  Do nice little things for eachother - simple things.  Grieve it together if you can. Understand most importantly that not everyone grieves the same way.  Don't fault your partner if they don't grive the way you do.

That is all I have for now but I will keep coming back.  May God hold each of you and bring you the comfort that only He can at a time like this.  All my love.......Kay

[dansmama]

Name, age, cause of death & date of death of deceased child (or children) - Daniel, 20 years and one month exactly, died 7/24/08. He was killed instantly when he lost control of his motorcycle and hit a cement pylon under the freeway, next to LAX. It happened 1/2 mile from home. He was on his way home from getting his wallet out of my car at work. 

Other children and ages: Jennifer 28, Erika 26 (had a brain tumor dx @ 3 years old, many related health problems) Kirstin 22 and 2 beautiful grandchildren.

Married, single, partner: I am married and have been for almost 31 years. We have had a lot of problems in our marriage, but nothing comes close to this. It's very hard.

Where you live now, where your child died: I live next to Los Angeles International airport, in the same house that Daniel lived his entire life.

Where your child is buried or other: Daniel is buried in Inglewood, CA, next to my mother-in-law who he adored. The day before he died he told me how much he missed her.

Did you have a funeral, memorial, or other: We had closed visitation and the next day a service. Over 800 people attended. The service was over 3 hours long because so many people spoke. He was participated in some way in  three different churches and all three pastors joined together to honor him.

Did you receive counseling: I tried a support group. The leader asked me how I felt. I told her, "I feel sad, my heart is broken." She asked me to describe sad to her. I wanted to scream!!!! Last visit to that support group.

What has helped you cope the most: I truly believe that only people that have been through this horrific experience really "get it". My husband and I went through the  Griefshare program, which helped a lot. The leaders lost a child and there were three other families that lost their young adult son last year also. I've tried Compassionate Friends but it is so terribly sad - new people monthly. This forum, especially Claudia who reached out to me with love and wisdom, have been a lifeline. Even though I don't post much, I read daily.

Did you start a foundation or tradition after the death of your son/daughter: Daniel volunteered at a mission in Baja, Mexico for several summers. He always came back refreshed and so alive. We asked that any donations be sent there. The director of the mission told me that they are still receiving donations and it has made a real difference. My husband and I both have huge families that were able to donate.

Advice: Don't do anything you don't want to do. I have become very selfish. I don't know if that is right in the long run.For now, it works. I don't go anywhere I don't want to go and don't spend time with people that want to "fix" me.

Faith or lack thereof: I am a Christian and have been most of my adult life. Daniel led the family in digging in and walking more in God's Word. Don't get me wrong, he was a real rascal too. He brought me to my knees in prayer many times. He played hard and prayed hard. God has been with me because I know I would not have survived this without him. I know that I will see my son again.

[Kelly]

Guess who is traveling the farthest to our reunion?

It's Trudi.

Trudi is traveling all the way from Australia to Minneapolis, MN for our Beyond Indigo reunion in August!

If Trudi can make it, so can you! 

Come check our reunion page: http://www.beyondindigo.com/reunion/

Hope to see you there!

[ddefrain]

Name, age, cause of death & date of death of deceased child (or children) - Loren 28, died in Houston Texas, on January 4, 2009 from head and brain injuries sustained in a New Year's Eve car accident. He left a New Year's eve party after heavy drinking with friends, traveled northbound on Southbound interstate 45 and had a head on collision. He was not wearing a seatbelt and was a partial ejection through the windshield of his vehicle. He was what they termed a "difficult extraction". He was pronounced brain dead on Jan 4th.  Thank God he did not take anyone with him and the driver of the other vehicle suffered minor injuries. Loren was a life gift donor.

Other children and ages: Jason 29, Liana 26, Jamie 22.

Married, single, partner: Happily married for 25 years to James.

Where you live now, where your child died: I live in the same house in which our son grew up.

Where your child is buried or other: Loren now resides in an urn on our mantel with his picture and a candle. When his brother comes home from Italy this summer (he is in the airforce) we will all take the catamaran out in Galveston (Loren loved sailing and the water) go about a mile out to sea and scatter his ashes.

Did you have a funeral, memorial, or other: We had a memorial service at our local funeral home. The service was not until a week after his death. We had to wait for people to come from all over the place and his grandparents were visiting in Germany at the time and had difficulty getting a flight out due to weather.  The service was beautiful although surreal.

Did you receive counseling: Have not received any counseling or attended any support groups. Have bought and read many books on the loss of a child and the grieving process. I found them very helpful.

What has helped you cope the most: My husband and our other adult children. We share the crying, the pain, the memories and sometimes laughter. We have a close family and are able to talk and work through this together. Thank God we do not all have an awful day at the same time. It has been important to recognize not only my own pain, but the pain of each individual in our family and ensure that nobody becomes isolated or closed off.

Did you start a foundation or tradition after the death of your son/daughter: Not yet, we are still to new in this to have given this much though yet.

Advice: The grief process is very much like a 12 step program, you have to take it one day at a time, and sometimes it is hour to hour or even minute to minute. Be gentle with yourself, spend time with your loved ones for encouragement,support and understanding. Cry when you have to and laugh when you can.

Faith or lack thereof: I am Catholic however, I do not presume to understand my relationship with God right now.  My faith has become a little muddled and he will have to forgive me if I remain a little angry with him for just a little longer.

[dannysmomma]

Name, age, cause of death & date of death of deceased child (or children) - Danny,19yrs would be 20 April 10th,diabetic ketoacidosis,undiagnosed onset diabetes,3/28/09

Other children and ages: Stefano 22yrs,John 18 yrs,Ross 16 yrs,Cheyenne 10,Dakota 8 &Olivia 17 months.I also have a beautiful new grandbaby girl Chloe 1 month.

Married, single, partner: Engaged to Kenny we've been together 5 years

Where you live now, where your child died: Millersville Md,just bought a house before Danny's passing so we'll be moving soon.Danny passed at home in his sleep.

Where your child is buried or other:He is home with us,his ashes.I am planning on making everyone their own keepsake boxes so that no matter where life takes them he is always with them.I'm not ready to open the box yet so I'm waiting for my mom, Danny's grandma to come and help me with it.

Did you receive counseling: No,,we had the Crisis Team come out and I've talked with them a few times and the ME had their grief counselor call me because I felt so much guilt about his death she was worried about me.I'm not ready for a  group type meeting so I found myself here.

What has helped you cope the most: Danny had Down Syndrome so I have always known anything might happen to cause him to leave before me,it doesn't lessen the pain but I'm so thankful we were given almost 20 wonderful years,it could have been much less.This is a reality parents of children with disabilities live with.:(My children.Even tho this is the the most painful loss I have ever experienced they have kept me so grounded,they still need their Mom especially Olivia who's only 17 months old.I have to keep my thoughts focused for her safety..

Advice: Take things day by day and don't get so lost in mourning your loss that you forget all the joy and love your child brought to your life.

Faith or lack thereof: Agnostic.I believe in a greater power but I don't know what it is.I do believe in Angels,he walked with us for almost 20 yrs.

[alexsmom]

KylesMom,

I know your grief.  I lost my only daughter when she was only 3 days old in 2001. I always say that when you lose a child, you lose the future.  I am so very sorry for your loss.  I know it feels unbearable now but I promise you, the pain eases with time. You never "get over it".  I had to just rebuild my life the way that worked for me after the loss.  I am not the same person I was before the loss but I am still good.  And I am happy again.  I truely believe that God can turn every terrible tragedy into something of purpose.  There is a reason my Alex died - even if I don't get to know why in this life. 

Be gentle with yourself and with your husband.  Know that we all grieve in our own way. I know the guilt also.  I felt so guilty at first because I knew it just had to be something I did while pregnant that caused the problem even though all the Dr.'s told me it was genetic and that nothing I did or didn't do could possibly have caused or prevented it.  I felt guilty to feel OK or happy or laugh because I felt I had to be punished.  I was wrong.  Even mother nature messes up now and again. Alex is in a place now that is so much better than where we all are.  I know I will be with her again someday.  But for now, I am supposed to be here because God has more plans and more work for me to do.  I am glad she did not suffer any longer than she did.  I also had to make the unbearable and unfair decision to "unplug" her.  It was awful.  I now choose to believe that when Alex was born, God saw what a perfect, beautiful, wonderful child He had created and wanted her as an angel in heaven.  She is now God's child and in perfect peace forever.

May God hold you in His hands and comfort you as only He can at a time like this.  All my love and support to you and your family............Kay

[homeschoolmom]

Name, age, cause of death & date of death of deceased child (or children) - Rohan was seven years old when he died on December 26th, 2008.  His birthday is April 16th.  He died of injuries sustained after he was hit off his bicycle while on a family outing.  I sat and held him for a couple hours at the scene until the ME took him away.

children and ages: Brianna, 10 now, and his best friend, Karyn 4, and our newly-adopted son, Akiem also 4. They are two days apart.

Married, single, partner: Widowed for 6 and a half years, remarried for 3.

Where you live now, where your child died: I live in Zephyrhills Fl., although we are moving to Jamaica.  Rohan died at a bike trail outside of Tampa, Fl.  We had gone cycling as a family, and had a perfect time out there.  On our way back, my husband and my aunt were walking and chatting together, and I was cycling with Rohan and Bree.  We stopped to allow the road to clear, then started across.  I remember being concerned about two semi-blind curves, but never had a problem stopping whenever I drove by there, so dismissed the thought.  We started across at the pedestrian crossing connecting the trail with the parking lot and I didn't notice that Rohan had hesitated.  Normally he would have been in front, but because I didn't want him racing Bree across, I told him to follow behind me.  As I was about to get back unto the trail, i noticed the pickup.  I slowed and jumped off my bicycle as Bree rode past me.  Rohan was still in the center lane and I yelled at him to stop and not move...the very next second it seemed there was a thud and while his bike and his crocs flew over beside me, he was nowhere in sight, until the truck stopped.  The elderly driver had seen my daughter and me, but hadn't seen my son, so thought there was no need to slow down or swerve. (55mph limit past the park/trail/crossing).  His wife had seen all three of us, and had thought he had too, until it was too late.  I just sat in the grass and held him when I realised he had no pulse.  A cardiac nurse came on the scene shortly and gave him CPR...  The worst thing was when I got a bill in the mail from the EMS when all they did was show up and declare him dead!  Oh well.

Where your child is buried or other: Rohan was cremated and his ashes are in the same urn that once housed his dad's.  We will eventually take it to Jamaica, and bury it under a tree planted in his memory.  We will also erect a gazebo with flowering vines and a fountain just as a place of refuge where we can go and remember the boy who brought so much joy... and peace to our lives.

Did you have a funeral, memorial, or other: We had a beautiful service at our church where he had attended most of his life.  The state troopers whe were at the scene showed up, as well as a radio personality who had heard about the accident and our response to the driver... we did a video presentation, and Bree released the doves at the end of the ceremony.  My 4 yr old, Karyn even tried to open Rohan's eyes and ended up claiming the dinosaur webkinz Rohan had just got for Christmas that was lying in his coffin.  That night she named a star for him.

Did you receive counseling: We attended counselling a couple times, but it was hard listening to someone who really had no idea of what it felt like to lose a child.  Still I went at the behest of my pastor who was concerned about PTSD.  When we flew to Jamaica 2 weeks after the funeral to pick up our adopted son, I found this site, and I am so grateful.

What has helped you cope the most: Definitely my faith in God.  My family is the suffer in silence kind, or put your mask on kind so it's been hard.  Friends have been great, and two of them made memory quilts for all of us.  The girls refuse to be separated from theirs.  I had made a dino scrapbook for him for Christmas, so I'm continuing it as a memory book. I read a book called "Roses in December" which was great!

Did you start a foundation or tradition after the death of your son/daughter: We donated some money to the children's home where we got our son, started a scholarship for needy kids and plans are in the making for playground equipment for a local school here in Jamaica.  I also want to release balloons on his birthday...just couldn't do it yesterday..too much effort, too soon.

Advice: None right now...still in a fog much of the time...and trying to take off the mask and be myself.

 

Faith or lack thereof: Christian..."We may not Lord, Thy purpose see, but all is well that is done by Thee."

[dannysmomma]

Dawn...I am so sorry for your loss:(.We lost our 19 yr old son on March 28th,2009 to the same cause.It came on suddenly and we didn't even know what was happening...Lyn

[mpsmom]

Dear Homeschoolmom, I am so very sorry for your loss. I am glad you have found this website, we are a family of mothers and fathers who all truly understand  how it feels to lose a child.  Some of my husbands family are in Zepherhills.  You are free to post anywhere you chose, but most of us have settled on the "loss of an adult child" no matter how old your child was, I am not sure why that is.  My daughter , my only child, died at the age of 17.5 from sudden heart death on September 20, 2008.  We miss her dearly.  She was adopted at birth, I share this with you because you are an adoptive mother, what a wonderful gift she was to us for 17.5 wonderful years.  Please join us on the 'loss of an adult child' and read and post when you feel comfortable doing so, tell us about your son, we are all here to listen.

My prayers are with you,   Marcia   Bethany's Mom Forever

[calebsmomma]

Name, age, cause of death and date:  Caleb Cheyenne Kuhn, age 19 almost 20, died as result of injuries from an auto accident. December 19, 2007.

Other Children and ages:  (current) Kaci Dawn 18 and Hannah 14

Married 23 years to my husband Wes

Where we live/ where child died:  We live near Seneca, MO on a farm, Caleb grew up here and I don't think I will ever leave.

Where buried:  Caleb is buried at Kirk Cemetery north of Seneca.

Funeral: Caleb's funeral had nearly 600 people, held in my daughters church, would have had it in the High School but Kaci Dawn said dragging him back to the school would be like punishing him for dying, but the church just wasn't big enough but we made do. We had a video and one of his best friends sang...he had 8 pall bearers, mostly cowboys like himself dressed in jeans and western shirts...pink when they could find them (Caleb's signature color) He told our pastor time and again when he said something about all the pink he wore that you had to be secure enough in your manhood to wear pink. Altho Caleb was only 19 we tried as hard as we could to make his service a celebration of his life, not a mourning of his death.

Counseling: I started at 2 time a week about 4 months after the accident, now I go about every 6 weeks...it helps me more to help forgive some of the unkind things family has done to me since Caleb's death.

What has helped most:  Caleb's friends have not deserted us.  They come for Christmas, one or more is almost always here every sunday for dinner just like they did when he was alive...they came on his birthday (13 of them) and on the anniversary of his death. If you feed 19 to 22 year old boys they will come.

Foundation or other:  A scholarship given at his school, we try to get kids who might go part time, go to trade school not the top kids in the class, A plaque is given in his honor to the Cross Country runner who demonstrates the best leadership, determination and love of the sport chosen by the coach...his sister has won it this year..and a high point belt buckle at the county fair for the top swine showman in the market class.

Advice: Remember each member of your family greives differently and allow for those differences.

Faith: What can I say, its has gotten me thru...the knowledge that one day I will see my beloved son and feel his long arms around me and hear him tell me how much he loves me just like he used to do..I will tell him the same. And ask him a few questions and thank him for making my life better.

[doreenc]

My name is Doreen and this is my very first post.

 

Name, age, cause of death & date of death of deceased child (or children) - Stephen, age 28, went to heaven on April 27th, 2007; death caused by a mixture of medicine, possible epileptic seizure and aspiration 

children and ages: Sarah, 17, Hannah 18 and Matt 22

Married, single, partner: Divorced

Where you live now, where your child died: I live in Boynton Bch, Fl. Stephen had lived in Va and was visiting here to see his two beautiful children and family. He died at his childrens home.

Where your child is buried or other: Buried in Va. His brother, who tried to resuscitate him, has moved there and visits his grave frequently.

Did you have a funeral, memorial, or other: We had a memorial service with over 100 guests in Palm Beach County, where he was born and raised. Had a funeral in Va for Md and Va family members. Pictures of him from childhood until age 28 were posted on posterboards and in frames, which were put together by his siblings, Aunt and Cousin.

Did you receive counseling: Tried, 3 visits and 2 separate counselors, but felt a lack of understanding for child loss

What has helped you cope the most: family, friends and keeping busy, blocking out the thoughts .

Did you start a foundation or tradition after the death of your son/daughter: work in progress

Advice: Remeber what your child would want for you. Remeber what your surviving children need.

 

Faith or lack thereof: Christian, but having a hard time understanding why God takes people who are too young and who have small children to raise.

[mikesmum]

Hey Doreen - So sorry that you have found yourself here, yet in many ways this is the one place where just being is okay.

I lost my son Micheal (31) in Jan 07.  He left behind a beautiful baby girl who is now 3.  The counselling, well I lucked out and found a psychologist who dealt with trauma and understood the grief of losing a child.  I have been with him for 2yrs.  I still see him fortnightly.   My work was as an EMD and I was working the day the call for Mike came in......kind of makes it that little be harder to get my head around some days.

Please come often as you like, post, read or just be.  I mainly post on Loss of an Adult child.  There are many threads here, one common denominator is that no matter how old your child, how they died, what your situation may be now, you are never alone.......someone here gets it .....

Take Care - Trudi   

[Kelly]

Hi all,

We are getting down to five weeks to find out if we can hold the reunion or not. Could you please let us know if you will be attending and register online? We need 25 people total. This is an amazing opportunity to make something special happen. Just click the big banner at the top that says REUNION and follow the steps.

Love to hear from you.

Kelly

[doreenc]

Thank you so much Trudi. Your words have been so comforting.

I am Neonatal ICU nurse and got the call at work from my other son who had just found his brother. What a nightmare.

I too will start posting on the other board and again thank you for the warm welcome.

 

Sincerely,

Doreen

 

 

[Kelly]

Hi all,

We are getting down to five weeks to find out if we can hold the reunion or not. Could you please let us know if you will be attending and register online? We need 25 people total. This is an amazing opportunity to make something special happen. Just click the big banner at the top that says REUNION and follow the steps.

Love to hear from you.

Kelly

[cassies]

Name, age, cause of death & date of death of deceased child (or children) -

Tanner Edgar 21 months, HUS and E Coli 0157 H:7, October 8, 2008

Other children and ages: Cooper 3

Married, single, partner: Married to my wonderful husband Daniel

Where you live now, where your child died: We live in the same town and same house that we did when Tanner passed away.

Where your child is buried or other: Tanner is buried in Restlawn Cemetery 5 miles from his grandma and papa's house in Liberal, Ks. He always loved the farm and the outdoors so being so close to them is where we knew he would like to have been.

Did you have a funeral, memorial, or other: We had a family viewing and then a public viewing of Tan. His funeral was 45 miles away from our hometown in a church where I grew up in and him and his brother loved going to.

Did you receive counseling: No I did not receive any counseling.

What has helped you cope the most: Knowing that Tanner is not in any pain anymore. He is in heaven with his overalls and boots on and his snap on wrench playing with all of his great grandparents and running them all to death as he would have been doing at home. Knowing that my 3 year old son Cooper did survive e coli 0157 H7. I wake up every morning and tell myself that I have to get up and do what I have to for my son and my husband because they need me more now than ever. I'm not saying that I don't miss Tanner, because I miss him with every fiber in my body. But I know Tan would not allow me to be this way so I do it for him.

Did you start a foundation or tradition after the death of your son/daughter: While we were in the hospital with our other son 3 of the best friends ever started a benefit fund for us. They even had a bake sale at our local wal mart and raffled off different prizes that the buisnesses had donated in our behaf. They made ribbons that said in the memory of Tanner and for the future of Cooper. They also made photo buttons and sold them for people to wear with Tan's picture on it. In addition to that they set out donation cans around in the community to donate. If it was for those 3 wonderful people we would have not been able to pay off all the hospital bills on both of the boys. I can honestly say they are all paid off and we even have extra for us to use.

Advice: Take it one day at a time. There is not a time limit on grief. Do what you feel is right and best for you and your family. It doesn't matter what other people say about your grieving. It was your child that passed away not theirs.

Faith or lack thereof: I am a Christain. And my faith in God knowing my son is with Him and one day I will be with Tan again.

[azsummer2003]

Hi. This is Lori B. I started this thread and wanted to jump in again to (((((HUG)))) all the newly bereaved parents.  It helps to talk about your child and it helps US learn about your loss. I am so very sorry we even have to be here.  Thank youeveryone for answering  these questions.

Lori B

 

www.TaylorBurgstahler.memory-of.com  (Visit only if you are strong enough to get through it.  Turn on your speakers (to hear the music and to be able to watch the links in full appreciation).  Bring tissues as it might remind you of your loved one.)

[doreenc]

Dear Cassies:

What a little beautiful,ray-of-sunshine, that I see in Tanner's picture.

I am so sorry about Tanner's passing. Thank you for sharing his story.

I am new here so I may not yet have the perfect words to say. But, I think we found a safe place to come.

You and your family are in my prayers.

Hugs and Blessings:

Doreen

[cassies]

Thank you Doreen. I haven't been on that much in a while. I don't know if it was because everytime I was here I got even more upset about Tanner or by the fact that it is not fair to all of us parents to loose a child. It's been almost 7 months since we lost our baby and I just don't know who I am anymore. I know I am a wife and a mommy but that is about it. I wake up every morning and "pretend" that everything is okay when I am not okay. Who would want to hear how different my life has been since I lost my son? Not many. My world stopped on Oct. 8th but everyone else's has gone on. I am sorry for your loss and it upsets me when I hear that more parents are grieving just as I am. Thank you for your reply.

Cassie

[doreenc]

You're welcome and I do understand all of it. The pretending, the sadness from reading others stories, feeling lost as to who am I now etc.

Blessings,

Doreen

[dawnray]

Dannysmomma i am so sorry for your loss also. our lives will never be the same again.

[brycesmom]

Name, age, cause of death & date of death of deceased child (or children) -

Bryce Riley, 5, acute lymphoblast leukemia, December 23, 2007

Other children and ages: none

Married, single, partner: Married to my husband for nine years

Where you live now, where your child died: Bryce died in Lexington Ky. We have recently relocated to the little town of Caneyville, where I am from

Where your child is buried or other: Bryce is buried at the the Lexington cemetery. His monument has a stain glass window of a train in it, as that was his favorite.

Did you have a funeral, memorial, or other: We had a funeral. It was very large and I only remember bits and pieces

Did you receive counseling: No I did not receive any counseling.

What has helped you cope the most: I am currently trying to become a registered nurse. I have poured myself into to doing this and in a small way it has helped. I have a few very close friends that will talk openly about Bryce with me. This is so helpful. I love to share Bryce with who ever will listen. Some of my friends are so uncomfortable talking about him to me. I find myself closer to the one's who will listen and talk back to me.

Did you start a foundation or tradition after the death of your son/daughter: Yes and no. We did a 5K race and the person who helped did a few things bad and now I have had a bad experience, I have opted to wait till next year and try again.

Advice: Find what works for you. I know my limitations and I try not to push them. I have bad people days often and when I have those I try to avoid people. Since I have moved, I spend more time outside as I live in the sticks and it is so very quite.

Faith or lack thereof: I struggle daily with my religion. While I have not forsaken God, I'm just not ready to go back to church. I know in my heart that Bryce is in heaven. I just need more time. I wish more people understood this.

[hotrod]

Hello Brycesmon,

Welcome to this very save place,filled with so many compassionate parents who have experienced the same devastating loss and understand your feelings.  I have found so much solace here -sharing with parents who are willing to share  this painful journedy together. 

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious child, Bryce.  I know about "bad people" days as I still have them.  I understand the isolation among family who refuse to talk about your wonderful memories or mention your child's name.  

You are no longer alone.  Please come her often-read write tell us everything about your son and we will delight in your memoriees and cry with you.

I loved the "stained glass train" that your have at Bryces's grave site.  How very special.  You have had a difficult time these past few years so now that you have found us please keep coming back.

Praying for your peace.

[alexsdad]

My name is Jeff and here is our information about a great kid that we miss more every day...  Thank you Colleen for bringing me here.

Name, age, cause of death & date of death of deceased child (or children) - Alexander John Knutter 17yrs old, Contracted Meningococcal Meningitis, Feb 24th 2007

Other children and ages:  Shaun 23

Married, single, partner: Married to Donna for 13 years

Where you live now, where your child died: Pleasant Prairie, WI

Where your child is buried or other: Sunset Ridge Cemetery, Somers, Wisconsin

Did you have a funeral, memorial, or other: Yes we had a funeral, Standing room only.

Did you receive counseling: No, tried Compassionate friends didn't think it helped

What has helped you cope the most: Some really Awesome Friends

Did you start a foundation or tradition after the death of your son/daughter: No, but we are very active in spreading information about this disease and how to prevent it.  We did host a fund raiser to support a local meningitis group and will plan more.  A possible foundation is in the works.

Advice: Protect your children from this horrible disease - check out our website for more information - http://www.theknutters.com

Faith or lack thereof: Lutheran

[azsummer2003]

Cassie,

I'm Lori and I am the one who started this thread. I wish I had some wise words for you, but alas I have none. 

It's been nearly five years and I feel as if I've gotten as far as I can go in my "Journey."  I suppose maybe it's different for us those child just up and died unexpectedly. There was no time for goodbyes, no saying goodbye in our own way, no coming to terms with it, no savoring the last moments. Nothing, nada, zilch.

Not that saying goodbye makes it any easier, we all know that. What of those who have lost their only child? I don't think I'd survive that.  I still have one living.  Yet I still feel so jipped. I feel so angry still that he wasn't saved because a fireman prevented a rescue - WHY?  We've been told to sue - for what? To drag our emotions through the court system for a couple of bucks? No thank you. I want my son back please.

Funny that I say that, like it's even possible.  Nearly five years. And you know what? I can't really remember what his voice sounded like. I can't remember his hugs, or his smell. I can't even remember his smile.  I have videos, but I'm deathly afraid of looking, for fear I may end up back at step one. 

I've written a book but I can't finish it.  I don't have a happy ending. I haven't come to terms with his death. (Do we ever? I've heard it's possible, but I just don't believe it.) I don't have any advice on how to make it better. It's as if you come to a point in your life when you just can't feel anymore. You become numb, your memory fades and you no longer feel much of anything.

Am I depressed? No, I'm just telling it like it is. Is it better than the gut wrenching cries of pain that you experience the first year? Absolutely. It's dulled, but with the dulling of the pain comes a new set of emotions. I haven't told anyone I feel this sad at times. I'm the "rock" in the family and I think that if I ever fell apart, my entire family would crumple.

*sigh*

I don't even know why I just posted what I said. I guess because I feel as though the whole world expects me to "be over it" and after a while, people (friends & family) don't bother to go to the website (http://www.TaylorBurgstahler.memory-of.com) nor do they bother to mention his name.  It makes me so sad that our children are so easily forgotten. I suppose out of sight out of mind has a lot to do with it.  I do understand, and I don't expect people to talk about Taylor all the time. But maybe a, "How are you doing?" once in a while would be nice....

Thank god for these forums. Keep coming back here, year after year after year. These are the only places with people who truly understand. Hopefully those of us who have been walking this path for a while can guide the newbies with a gentle tug. I'm so sincerely sorry that anyone has to experience the loss of a child. No matter what the circ**stance, it is never easy. I don't care if you have 10 kids, the death of one leaves a gapping hole that even time can't heal.

Anyway, it gets better, but "better" is subjective.

(The pic is of my dog who layed on Taylor's ashes as we drove to the airport the day we picked up his ashes. We were moving from Arizona to Pennsylvania the week he was killed.)

[mpsmom]

Lori, thank you for sharing your Taylor with us, I just went to the website, and realized I had been there before, many monay months ago when I first joined BI.  I had to turn the music off becasue it made me cry.  I remember your Taylor from this saying you have posted.:

I think about how much I miss him, and start to feel sorry for myself.....but then I think about all the people who never got the chance to meet him -- and I start to feel sorry for them.

I remember reading this and thinking the very same thing about my sweet Bethany, she is my only child who died suddenly from sudden heart death.  It has been almost 10 months and I feel as though I am moving 'forward' but as you said that is all relevent.  I have not been able to focus enough to reate a website in her honor, will do someday, I have been fighting our local principal to acknowledge her at gradation, that finally happened, with the help of the media.  Now I am taking a breather and re-grouping.  I don;t need to save the world, but I do feel better when I reach out and try to help others who have lost a child.  Thank you for strting this thread.  Your Taylor will never be fogotten by the world as long as you love him. 

Hugs, Marcia 

Bethany's Mom Forever