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William_Chen

Lost My Dad to Suicide and Feeling Lost

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I don't really know how to start. It feels like I have been living in a different world for the past few days with endless nightmare...

 

I kept picking up the phone wanting to dial my dad's number but then I realize he's gone forever...

 

I lost my father @ 65 around 8 days ago.  The past week has been the toughest period in my life.  He left without a single word.  My world totally collapsed that day with never ending questions of "WHY"...  It does not seem to get better everyday with mixed feelings and mood swings from this incident. Everyone in my immediate family seems to blame ourselves for causing this. My dad behaved normal and I just chatted with him 2 days prior. We were laughing and he sounded OK. I never knew there was such a dark side in him that would cause him to terminate his life. He was suffering from kidney failure, bladder cancer and had multiple surgeries before. Nonetheless, he was always upbeat and conquered the challenge god placed on him.  In addition, my whole family has tried to make sure there is someone next to him all the time and always there for him.  We had so much activities planned for my son (grandpa's favorite) to spend time with grandpa and he told me that he was eagerly waiting for the vacation season. I just don't understand, why have he decided to leave us like this - I feel abandoned.  We love him so much and I keep on wondering if there is something else I could have done differently or I could have noticed earlier to prevent this from happening.  I kept looking at our pictures and touching his old clothing just to make myself feel he is still here with me.  But reality always hit hard, he will not be here anymore. I didn't even know what to say when my little one asked me where grandpa went whenever he saw grandma.  This pain is so intense it is not even comparable to the natural deaths I have experienced.  Now I am left wondering how do I bring my life back together, how do I make sure my whole family doesn't fall apart and how can I only keep the good memories we have together.  I feel so lost.

 

I would do anything just to be able to hug him one more time or few minutes to tell him how much I love him.  It is so tough to breathe and I don't understand when people tell me to (from their experience) and take it easy to heal the wound itself.  It is my dad, and there just feels like there is so much more I could have done to make such a difference...  So sad and I miss my dad - I just want to cry...  

 

 

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I'm so sorry about your dad William_Chen.  I have never lost anyone to suicide so I can't even imagine the additional pain and suffering on top of the horrible ripping of sudden loss :(

 

I remember the unable to breathe feeling.  I remember the inability to live feeling.  I took myself to a counsellor about two weeks after my sister suddenly died because I didn't know how to exist anymore.  I only knew pain.  From the moment my sister died, it was wrong for me to be in this world.

 

I don't know the additional tearing of your heart you must feel from your dad deciding to leave so suddenly, but I wanted to send out a caring word.  Don't breathe, if you don't want to, until you do.  Don't listen to them when they say be ok, until you can.  Be sad, miss your dad, be confused, be angry, because you are going to be what you are and there's very little that will change this first shock and deep, desperate reaving of your soul.  Just hold onto yourself as if you were your dad... give yourself and your family the love that you want to give to him to help yourselves through it.

 

I wish you and your family moments of peace and love.

 

<3

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He left without a single word.  My world totally collapsed that day with never ending questions of "WHY"...  It does not seem to get better everyday with mixed feelings and mood swings from this incident.

 

I can relate to the emotional ups and downs you describe.  I lost my dad to suicide on November 6, 2014.  He was just shy of his 57th birthday.  These last two months have been incredibly difficult, and I don't know that we'll ever stop asking "why".  I feel sad, abandoned, angry, anxious, panicky, lost, guilty, on any given day.  I have periods where I'll momentarily forget, and then my reality comes into focus and I'm reminded of how much my heart hurts.  I find that I'm taking out my anger on the people I love the most and who have been there for me unconditionally, so I feel guilty about that too.  From what I understand and have so far experienced, grief is not a linear process like we might expect.  Things don't gradually get better with each passing day, and sometimes it feels like I'm taking a step backwards.  This is ok.    

 

 

 

I feel abandoned.  We love him so much and I keep on wondering if there is something else I could have done differently or I could have noticed earlier to prevent this from happening.

 

I'm going to school for my master's in social work, so I feel like I of all people should have been able to notice the warning signs or should have been there for him more.  In my head, I keep asking him "Why did you leave me?" and I can really relate to feeling abandoned.  I am my dad's only child, and he always told me that we shared the same soul.  I blame myself a lot for not loving him enough or not spending enough time with him.  I don't know that I'll ever absolve myself of this guilt.     

 

 

I feel so lost.

 

I would do anything just to be able to hug him one more time or few minutes to tell him how much I love him.  It is so tough to breathe and I don't understand when people tell me to (from their experience) and take it easy to heal the wound itself.  It is my dad, and there just feels like there is so much more I could have done to make such a difference...  So sad and I miss my dad - I just want to cry... 

 

I identify with so much of what you're saying.  I would give anything to be able to hug my dad again or tell him I love him one more time.  I still cry every day, and the nights are the worst since it's just me alone with my thoughts.  I'm not in the position to give you any advice or words of wisdom because like you, my loss is too fresh.  I just want to let you know that it brings me great comfort to know that I'm not alone in grappling with these things, and that among survivors, there seems to be a common thread of thoughts and feelings.  I hope you can take some comfort in that too.  

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