A Little Memorial Into the Either

[pauliepcar]

There is no need to reply.  I am simply thankful for having a place to put this.

This is Christmas #2.  New Years #2.  Since the loss of my Mother and Grandmother.  They are gone.  And I am saddened by the loss.

I didn't have the tools necessary to cope well with their loss...and so there was another casualty.  My relationship.  And her family by way of collateral damage.  Each day I pray that another piece of my life will not remain collateral damage...King.  I miss you dear one, you bring with you memories of my gram..as you were "her cat" ;-), my childhood house...And may she find it in her heart to trust that I can now care for you.  That I asked her to care for you in my time of need...and did not 'abandon' you.  Please take her that message...as she is closed to hearing it from me.

So this is Christmas #1.  New Years #1.  Without the woman I care for, the companion I love, and her family.  There seems to be no opportunity for reconciliation, due to the poor emotional state I spent the last near two years in.  The damage I did seems irreparable.

While it is most likely for the best.  It does not stop the pain from loosing all of these significant connections in my life.

Yet, I am thankful for this great last lesson that the last two of my immediate family have passed on to me.  If not for the lesson...I may have never found the answers to extract myself from near two years of depression's fog.  Nor the tools required to move forward in happiness, health and sincerity.

Mom, Dad, Gram, Pop-pop...Beautiful & your family...I love you all and miss you dearly as we move into a new year...filled with new hopes, new dreams, renewed understanding and zest for life.   

My dearest love to you all...I do "wish" you were here to share it with.  But, sharing it with myself...will be good...better than the last two years...when I could not even understand how to do that.  An almost laughable paradox though...none of you will see the man I have become because of it all.

Rest well all...as I no longer need to remind myself to do the most rudimentary of things...I have moved through to the other side of depression...anxiety and it is good.

One of my dreams was to take you all overseas...to show you pop-pop the trains of Switzerland...and gram...the windmills of Holland.  Mom, the beauty of the Eiffel Tower, and the Louvre.  Dad the Castles of Ireland.  And Beautiful...each of those and more.  Your family...to England Ireland and Denmark.

And so this year will be Italy...for me.  Tonight, off to our 'site'...it's almost as cold as it was last year for our first and last of a New Years tradition.  A fire will be lit, and as the flames fade...I plan to release it all into the either.  So ends this year...so begins the next.  As the embers fade...the phoenix will be born.  Life, death...love, loss...the circle goes on... 

Grief counseling & mentoring are my service to my community.  I thank you all for the gift of wisdom...and the gift of life.  The strange and wonderful act of living is on schedule to be realized this year.  Thank you for the gifts you have all bestowed upon me.

-Paul