Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

New to site


heartbroken54

Recommended Posts

  • Members
heartbroken54

Hi

I lost my darling husband on the 26th September 2008 he had kidney cancer which had spread to brain,bones and lungs. He only lived for eight months after diagnosis he was so brave and never stopped fighting.

I miss him so much and feel so sad and lost, it feels like I am drowning in grief. Would like to talk to other people in my situation.

Thanks

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Heart Broken,

I am very sorry aout your husband. You have come to the right place. All of the ladies here are very nice and feel the same pain you have.  Tell us about yourself.

Susan

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
heartbroken54

Hi Susan

I am 54 years old and live in the UK. I was married to Steve (the love of my life) for 37 years and am totally lost without him I miss him so much it is a physical pain. I have three great kids and 2 grandchildren. I work for charity that offers help and advice to disabled people I am a welfare rights advisor.

Thanks for replying

sylvia

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Sylvia,

I lived in England many years ago. My father was in the military and he was stationed at a base near Cambridge. I have always wanted to go back and stay for about 6 months traveling the country.  English history is my absolute favorite.  When I saw that you were from the UK, I knew I had to reply.

I know what you mean about the physical pain and the lost feeling.  It is all still so raw for you.  The best advise anyone here will give you is to let the grief happen. Know that anything you feel is completely normal. If you are lucky enough to have friends and family around that want to help you, by all means let them. Take care of yourself the best you can, don't be hard on yourself and don't let anyone push you into doing anything or deciding anything important right away.

This is a really good sight. When I found it I was amazed that there were so many other people out there that were living this "new phase of life".  That probably sounds crazy but I was. In a way it let me know that I was not alone.  It's also comforting to read other posts and see that other people are thinking and feeling some of the same things you are.  

My husband passed away in April 2006. It was unexpected.

When I am down, I want to talk to people but don't want to bother them with my grief. So then it bottles up to where I feel like I am just going to explode. 

Hope to hear back from  you - Susan

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
heartbroken54

Hi Susan

Thank you for your kind words they mean a lot, I do have a supportive family but they are trying to cope with their own grief. Its nice to talk to someone who understands unless you have lost the love of your life you cant imagine what its like, I know you can.

I would also like to wish you a peaceful New Year and may it bring a glimmer of hope for the future.

I am glad that you enjoy our history, I always did when at school. A few weeks ago went to Kensington Palace to the new exhibition of all the debutants dresses which was very good, although the Diana one was much better.

Hope to speak to you again

Sylvia

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Heartbroken,

            I also lost my husband of 38yrs. to Kidney Cancer this past June 14th.  He had a rare Sarcomatoid variant.  He lasted 16 months.  Our 3 kids and I were with him in the hospital when he passed.  My husband and I also never gave up even though the doctors gave him only 1 year.  I have contacted old high school friends and they have been a great help.  It is nice to go out to dinner with them and talk about high school memories.  My hardest time is at night when it is time to go to bed. I usually an up until 2:00 a.m. and with the holidays have been having meltdowns every night before I go to sleep.  My children are married with children of their own.  I hate not having him here to talk to or just watch tv with.  I live in New York.  I have been doing my family history for the last 6 years and my family is from Tenterden,Kent UK.  

                                  Take Care,

                                        Sandy

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
heartbroken54

Hi sandy

Thanks for contacting me, Steve was also doing family history and only the other day I was looking through all the papers he had, he found that he had relations in Florida and did make contact with them.

I live in East London not to far from Kent. I agree with you the evenings and nights are worse thats when all kind of thoughts go round and round in my head. Was your husband on any medical trials Steve took part in two sutent and temsirolimus which helped below the neck but did nothing for the one in his brain.

hope to hear from you again

Sylvia

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Sylvia,

         Eddie had a radical nephrectomy in Feb.07.  They took some of the lymph nodes but could not get all of them because of location.  He was put on a clincal trial of Doxrubicin and Gemticibine that is for the Sarcomatoid cells.  They also gave him steroids with his infusions.  He was on this for 6 months and did great.  The steroids helped alot with his appetite.  At the end of the 6 months they did a CT scan and all nodes were back to normal.  We went on a trip to Las Vegas with my Son, Daughter-in-law and Grandson.  2 months later had another scan and  the cancer was growing again.  He was depressed and was put on Nexavar.  Took that for 2 months and had to quit.  He had lost his appetite and was losing weight.  Then to Sutent.  That gave him the Hand and Foot disease.  It was painful for him to stand and work.  By then his lungs were filling with fluid and had 4 thorocentisis.  The third Thoro they punctured his lung.  The fluid had also turned Gelatanus.  I wish they would have tried the clincal trial again that worked so well the first time.  I think doctors don't always know what is best either.

                                                        Talk to you soon,

                                                                    Sandy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
heartbroken54

Hi Sandy

Steve did not know he was ill until he was admitted into hospital with what they thought was a stroke, but then found high levels of calcium given infusion and dexamethasone witch worked instantly but then they did mri and pet scans and we were told that he had kidney cancer which had spread to spine,bones,chest wall, lungs and brain, this was in Feb-08 and after trial drugs and whole brain radiotherapy he lost is fight on the 26th Sept o8 aged 55, he died at home just as he wanted. to say that I am devastated is an understatement I am totally lost well thats my story.

Speak Soon

Sylvia xx

PS Happy New Year

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi Sylvia,

        Eddie's only symptoms were a cough he had for 2 yrs.  He would not go to the doctor to check it out until he was so anemic he could not get off the couch.  I do still go on the kidney cancer message boards and it seems with Kidney cancer people don't often have any symptoms until it has progressed.  It sounds like your husbands spread fast.  Was his just Clear Cell?  Your husband was very young.  Eddie was 61 and I am 58.  Eddie did not smoke or drink and was very active.  He ran marathon's and Climbed Pikes Peak in Colorado with my Son when he was 56.  He was a Viet Nam vet and I am wondering if it was Agent Orange that caused this.

    How were your holidays?  I cried every night for 2 weeks before so by the time they had got here I was o.k. 

                                           Happy New Year

                                                   Sandy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
heartbroken54

Sandy

Steve's cancer was clear cell. I understand about the tears leading up to the holidays instead of the two of us do shopping for Christmas gifts I did it alone. But I cry all of the time I hear a song on the radio and the tears start again, does it ever get any easier. Its nice to talk to someone that as trodden the same path as myself.

Sylvia

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi Sylvia,

 Your job sound very interesting.  Did you take time off before going back?  I took early retirement the day before Eddie went into the hospital.  I was tired of worrying about him while at work.  My Dad died 6 years earlier of lung cancer and My Mom 3 years ago of esophogeal caner so I just wanted to be at home and be Eddie's caregiver.  My friends keep encouraging to get a part time job but I am not ready.  I am afraid the least little thing would get me crying. 

 I am at 6 1/2 months and I would say it is a little easier.  There are times though I still cannot belive this is happening to us. 

                                     Take Care,

                                              Sandy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Sandy, I find that at 2 years 8 months, I still feel that I can't believe this has happened. Your whole life is just turned upside down - and everyone else around you is going along just fine (it seems).

I had a pretty crappy holiday but I think that I've made a big step.  I was thinking of all the what if's and if only's, and it was taking a huge toll on me. It got to the point that I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't talk to someone. So I called an uncle who told me (bluntly) that I was doing the same thing that my grandmother did - I was giving up, letting all the what if's and if only's drag me down.

So I prayed and prayed about it.

Bruce has "spoken to me" alot thru songs. Shortly after he died, I was really upset and I asked him to let me know somehow, some way that he was around.  The next morning, the 1st song that played on the radio was by Phil Collins (theme to The Lion King). Words said something like, Look over your shoulder, I'll be there. I always be there.  That was him telling me he was around.

Well over the holidays I have been hearing 3 songs that talk about a love dying and waiting for the other patiently while they lived.  Waiting on a Woman - if you can listen to the lyrics of that song. That's the one I was hearing all the time.  Now when Bruce was alive, he would always I am waiting on my wife.  Once you listen to the lyrics in that song, you'll understand.   This was his way of telling me to calm down, chill out, live your life - I am waiting for you.

I can't tell you the comfort that I feel now. I feel as though I can breathe.  Hopefully it's a positive step.

I have nothing but admiration for people that nurse a spouse thru cancer.  His death was unexpected - huge heart attack. Left for work on a stormy Friday morning just fine, died just before 4 pm that afternoon.

Hope you have a relaxing weekend.

Susan

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Susan,

   I did o.k. on the holidays with the kids and grandchildren around.  Right now I seem to be in a slump.  Could be the winter weather here in New York though.

  I always asks for signs also.  I have had 2 visitation dreams which helped.   It's funny I never really listened closely to lyrics in a song until recently. 

  It is hard to see your soul mate suffer with cancer but it has to be hard to have to deal with something so sudden as a heart attack.  I often say if I just knew the reason he got the cancer it might help me cope with this.

                                              Thanks,

                                                       Sandy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Sandy/Sylvia -

I have 2 grandsons. Caidan will be 2 on January 21 and Cain was born this past November 11.  Our daughter found out she was pregnant about a week after her Daddy was buried. It was so bittersweet. 

Caidan was born 9 months to the day that Bruce died. He looks like his Grandpa too.  Cain was born on Veterans Day - Bruce was a veteran and is buried at the Veterans Cemetary here in Houston.

My nieces told me before Caidan was born that Bruce spoiled his grandson before letting us know we had one on the way, sending him down to us. I had never thought of that but at the time it was a very nice thing to hear. I hope this makes sense.

The weekend before Bruce died, we talked about grandchildren. We decided we were ready but we thought our daughter and her husband needed some time for themselves, so we were going to patiently wait.

I remember so much about the month or so before he died. Good memories, good times we shared.  

I have always had dreams where he has visited me. They were very special and I remember waking up feeling good and very happy, remembering everything about the dream.

Well I have another headache. Another weather front coming thru so my sinus headaches are killing me. Sorry to ramble.

I just saw on the web that John Travolta's 16 year old son died today. Very sad, very sad. 

Susan

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My soulmate from a 2-year relationship, Teresa, died prematurely from tumors (known as Proteus Syndrome).  Ours was a Platonic relationship because the sores on her body made it practically impossible to engage in any physical intimacy at all.  But that did Not matter to me, since we still had many enjoyable times.

With our disability-passes, Teresa and I took many bus rides since she did Not want to play Scrabble at home.  On our excursions, we used to travel to 3 to 4 places each time.

Despite her disfigurement, she had an enthralling singing voice.  Oftentimes I tried to persuade her to sing at church, but she felt too shy.  At least she sang for me, so I was blessed.

Maybe it was because of that shyness (and disfigurement) that she felt reticent from laughing in the presence of others.  But she laughed in my presence.  When I asked why she did Not laugh with other people but laughed with me, she replied that when she's with me that she can be herself.  I don't know exactly what she meant but I guess that it's good because her "true" self was her happy self.

Thank you to this website so I can express my emotions.  In the spirit of optimism, I hope to find another soulmate with a similar handicap, as that will serve as my way to preserve Teresa's memory while at the same time finding a New life-partner.  My sincere thanks to this website so I can pay tribute to Teresa. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Susan/ Sylvia,

              I have 3 grandchildren age 6,4,2.  We have 2 more on the way.  My daughter-in- law was 1 month pregnant when Eddie passed.  When my son told me she was pregnant but she was having problems and she could miscarry I told Eddie to watch over this new baby.  She is fine and due Feb. 21.  My youngest daughter is due to have one in June.  It is bittersweet.  I was sad when they told me because Eddie would not get to see them. 

                                                       Sandy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
heartbroken54

Susan/Sandy

Its nice to have people who understand how all of us feel given our very sad situation. Most of our friends are couples and I some how feel the odd one out it is probably me being over sensitive, have you experienced this with friends. I keep being told by well meaning people I should start to make a new/different life if only it were that easy. I feel as though half of me is missing.I have not even managed to sort his clothes out yet and I think they will remain where they are for the forceable future.

Would you ladies be willing to tell me about your lives and how you cope on a daily basis

Looking forward to a reply

Sylvia

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Sylvia/Susan,

         I know what you mean about couples.   I do have a couple of friends that are widows.  It does help to talk to them and see what they do to cope.   All I can think about is the past and when we were young and dating and I wish we could go back to that time.  I called some high school friends and Eddie past.  2008 was our 40th class reunion.  We have been getting to gether every other wed. for dinner.  One is married with 2 grown children and the other is also a widow with no children.  Her husband died of Lou Gehrigs disease at 53.  They have been a great help to me.  We talk and giggle just like we did in high school.  I do get upset (angry) when I see couples our age or older when I am shopping. 

    Right after he passed I felt the need to keep busy, do projects.  I went through every room in my house and cleaned and organized.  I did remove most of his clothes but did not get rid of them.  I put them in a closet he had for seasonal clothes.   My grand daughter took one of his ties and has it hanging on the back of her door.   It is early for you to start a new/different life.   Take your time and do what is right for you.                                              Sandy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Sandy/Sylvia - my husband and I didn't have any 'couple friends'.  He and I were perfectly happy with just the 2 of us.  We tried the couple thing a few times and it just didn't click.  We weren't hibernating and hiding from the world by any means, it's just that we didn't need anyone's company other than one another.

That has made it hard for me now. People keep telling me what they think I should do. Start a new life, meet new people, do something to keep yourself busy.  That is so 180 from what I have done for nearly 30 years.  I am living the way we used to live together.  Few people understand that.

As far as how I cope from one day to the next - well it's hard, especially the first year or so.  Shock was with me for several months. Then at about 18 months, I had a little meltdown. Reality had it me square in the face.

I pray alot. I would suggest finding a grief support group as soon as you can. I went to a hospice group and a support group called Grief Share. Both were good. I did find comfort being with people who were dealing with the same pain. I did therapy too. I also started a journal - basically writing to him.  

The old saying that everyone grieves differently is so true. So anything you feel is normal.

Well I need to get motivated. I have lots of things to do today.  Have a good day.

Susan 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Susan/Sylvia,

              I talk to Eddie every night and tell him he was my best friend and I didn't need any other friends.  He was more outgoing and social than I was.  He had many good friends.   Two weeks before he passed one of his friends came over to visit and tell him that he loved him.  Not many men in there 50's would do that.   In fact his evil family did not do that but that's another story.   I am grateful  for my friends though.  They have helped me so much.

                                                  Take Care,

                                                          Sandy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
heartbroken54

Hi Susan/Sandy

How are you both today Would like to thank you both for the welcome advice it helps. Although Steve and I did have friends we to took our holidays together just the two of us, we liked days out, visiting national trust houses our favorite was Churchill's house Chartwell which is in Kent. We both liked history so enjoyed our visits.

We also spent weekends in Liverpool (which was home to me as I was born in Chester) Steve was a huge Beatles fan and loved taking the Magical Mystery Tours and visiting John and Paul's homes which are now owned by the National Trust. Hope I have not bored you with all of the above.

love

Sylvia

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
heartbroken54

Hi Susan/Sandy

How are you both today Would like to thank you both for the welcome advice it helps. Although Steve and I did have friends we to took our holidays together just the two of us, we liked days out, visiting national trust houses our favorite was Churchill's house Chartwell which is in Kent. We both liked history so enjoyed our visits.

We also spent weekends in Liverpool (which was home to me as I was born in Chester) Steve was a huge Beatles fan and loved taking the Magical Mystery Tours and visiting John and Paul's homes which are now owned by the National Trust. Hope I have not bored you with all of the above.

love

Sylvia

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I saw that you were taking about your husband clothes. i lost my soulmate 13 and half months ago. I too did not want to give up his clothes, so I had a family friend make quilts for my kids for Christmas. she also made one for me as a surprise. I picked clothes he wore most often and still have alot still hanging in our closet. We also put a picture on the quilts ( of him and the that child). Needless to say there were alot tears on Christmas morning, but they loed them and were surprised that I had come up the idea. We will always miss and love him, but when we need a hug from him we can wrap those around us. We are all still trying to find our way in this new life without him. Pam

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
heartbroken54

Hi

What a lovely idea to have the quilts made and your family must have been very pleased to receive them for Christmas. I have a favorite photo of Steve at Penny Lane which I had put onto canvas for myself and our children which they loved. Looking at photos of him makes me so sad but I cant stop looking at them silly I know.

nice talking to you

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Pam,

        That is a great idea.  My kids had said they wanted some of their Dad's favorite t-shirts.  My Aunt took a teddy bear and made clothes for it that was my grandmothers.  She even used her costume jewelry (necklace).  She calls it the Grandma Hayes bear.  Although, I was a little annoyed that she had taken her jewelry.  The picture is a great idea too.  I will run this idea by my Aunt who also makes quilts. 

     I know what you mean by still trying to find our way.  I think the kids and I do it by just keeping busy.  They do worry about me and call me every day.

                                               Sandy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi Sylvia/Susan,

              I think last night was the first night in 2 weeks that I didn't cry myself to sleep.  So I feel a little more rested today.  Eddie and I took our holidays together also.  We were hoping he would get better so that we could take a trip to England and Ireland.  My oldest daughter wants to take the trip to England with me.  I would love to hear more about your holidays in England.  I didn't know about the Magical Mystery Tours.  I can't wait to go.

             My daughter found a great photo of my husband.  I had it copied to a 8X10 and hung it over his dresser.  I also sleep with his pillow.  This was probably a mistake because I think this is why I am crying most nights.

                                                       Talk to you soon

                                                              Sandy

          

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
heartbroken54

Hi Sandy/Susan

Thank you for your interest about our holidays, Liverpool is a great City it as a lovely atmosphere and as a very nostalgic feel to it especially if you liked the Beatles and remember the sixties. If you take the Magical Mystery tour you visit all their homes and schools also Penny Lane and Strawberry Fields

which was a children's home which backed onto the house were John grew up. Also you can visit the Beatles museum which has all kinds of memorabilia. Steve was not just a fan it went beyond that.

I was born and grew up in Chester which is a very historical city and as a complete roman wall which surounds the town completely Chester is in the North of England. Now I live in south east London 20 minutes from the city.

Our favorite holidays were in Dorset Thomas Hardy country,also Cornwall we liked the stories of smugglers and visited Jamaica Inn.

I am also interested in going to New England and would like to visit Salem

and Cape Cod Steve and I were planning to go in the Autumn of this year and I may do it for him. Hope all of the above was of some interest to you.

Sylvia

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi i just j0ined to night jan 5,2009 I know how you feel . Ilost my husben  in June i  it was so fast . i have been so up set over it i lost 15 pound.i cant eat yet i dont get hugery. but dr. said i got to eat so i make my self eat.  i have good days and bad days. to day is a bad day. i made it over xms not good but i did it. we were marred 2o years. boy this is hard. so when are anavercy came this year i didnt know what to do it was going to be so hard that day. but i told myself just rember the good years we had togather. and it help me that day.but i still cry a lot yet  dona

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Sandy/Sylvia - I think it's good that we want to vacation in each other's country. Just goes to show how much we are all alike in alot of ways.

My husband knew that I loved anything about England - especially the royal family. He would tell me when something was going to be on TV, just in case I didn't know - he didn't want me to miss anything. I was up at 3 in the morning to see Diana get married and up at 3 in the morning to see  her funeral.  

I have always wanted to come back to the UK and have the time and $$$ to travel around for about 3 - 4 months. The pace of life seems to be slower when you get away from London. It may be different now (especially since I lived there in 1969 - 1973). It was all so fascinating.

I was born on the East Coast of the US (Delaware). My sister used to live in NJ, just 30 minutes from NYC.  Visited her a few times. It's different there than it is in Texas - no wide open spaces back in NJ -  I love Texas, I love Houston. It's home and I can't see myself living anywhere else.

My husband was born and raised in the suburbs of LA - but he loved Texas.  There is a saying down here - I wasn't born here in Texas but I got here as soon as I could. :D

I love anything by John Lennon - especially Imagine. I always call that the best song ever, ever, ever.

Interested in sharing private email addresses?

Susan

 

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Susan/Sylvia,

           Sylvia, we loved Cape Cod and couldn't wait to go back.  The beaches are so quiet and relaxing unlike most beaches in the U.S.  We took the Whale watch in Provincetown a couple of times.  It is so cool to watch the whales come right up to the side of the boat.  They are showoffs.  We also took the kids to Salem and the witch museum.

             I can't wait to go to England and find where my ancestors lived.  My Gr Gr grandfather was a general dealer and while out collecting hides in Ebony he fell of his cart.  The wheel passed over his head.  I found this article in the Newspaper Archives.  It is amazing the stuff that is online.

             Susan, I live in Syracuse,NY.  I am sure you have heard about the amount of snow we get every year.  My girls and I love to take bus (shopping) trips to NYC.  Eddie went a few times with me and he wasn't fond of it.  I haven't been in a while but do want to go with friends soon.

             I am up for sharing e_mails.

                                                          Sandy

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
heartbroken54

Susan/Sandy

I would also like to swap e-mail addresses. Cape Cod and whale watching sounds fantastic orcas are fascinating love anything to do with whales and dolphins. The royal family are my daughters hobby she loves Diana and the Queen and we took her to Althorpe for a birthday treat, it was nice to see where Diana grew up. John and George were Steve's favorite beatles,and we had Free as a Bird and Across the Universe played at his funeral. His friends from work had the beatles made in flowers also my son had a yellow submarine made for his Dad. Do we swap e-mail addresses in our profiles.

lovely to talk to you ladies

Sylvia

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi heartbroken54 i lost my husben 27 of June,08. It was sodden .we had no time to know any thing was worngwith him.Ihave been so lost with out him i dont know what to doI still cry a lot.i GO TO A GRIEF GROOP IT MEETS every 2 weeks it helps some. this is a nice one to go to every one has the same probloms i have. know one nos what it is like .Till  it happens to you.it is a diffrent kind of lost. it is your spous who you have been to gether withe for a long time. my husben and i was togather for 20 years.now i am lost with out him.i worke but when i come home at night and on weekends it is bad.see he was in a wheelchair and i had to help him in and out of bed. he was not able to help him self much any more.but i didnt mind.all we can do is keep going. i know my husben would tell me to go on with my life He is on my mind 24-7.but it helps when you can talk to some one who understans.like the ones  on this sit it is so nice.we will allways have them in are hearts and allways love them forever thay are right beside us all the time i tell Gary that is my husbens  name good night. howtogoon

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
heartbroken54

Hi Howtogoon

Sorry for your loss it is very hard for us, your whole word is broken apart. I was married to Steve for 37 years and he was only 56 no age at all all our plans we had for the future now gone. I to find the evenings and weekends the worse I feel so lonely. You are correct when you say this site helps having other people who understand is a great comfort. Thank you for taking the trouble to contact me, we will speak again soon

Sylvia

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.