Three years after losing my (grown up) little brother

[longerpig12]

Here’s some stuff that I learned when my brother died unexpectedly just over three years ago. 

Shock feels like a lack of oxygen in your blood whilst most of you is still ticking over. You feel unconnected from things - other wordly. Hopefully if you’ve people around you they’ll place you where you need to be so that you don’t try and float across a busy road or drink tea that’s too hot.

The moment you hear the news that you know is going to change things forever you think some pretty dumb stuff. My brother died in late November. I think one of the first things I said was, ‘That’s Christmas ruined’ as if that mattered. And it is kind of ruined but so was everything for a pretty long time. 

My now-husband, told me the news and he did it just about as best as someone can deliver that news - straight up. Unambiguous. 

I recommend that as soon as you get bad news, if you have the opportunity and wherewithal, you should try and block it out a little with something pleasant and distracting. My husband had brought a laptop and sitcom DVDs with him and we watched that on the train on the way to see my folks. I credit that with holding me together a bit better and buffering the raw pain a bit. They say that it’s a good idea for trauma to do that, it helps over the longer term too I reckon.

When the remaining members of my family got together we all talked a lot, about my brother and about preparing ourselves for the grieving process. We acknowledged that everyone would experience things differently. We established a rule really early on that we would be honest with each other about when we are having a bad day. We still, pretty much, try to adhere to this rule but it was definitely a good idea for those first few months.

I wanted to go into grieving wide eyed to avoid some of the pitfalls. That sounds weird I know but I didn’t want to do it wrong and get all messed up.

My approach was to cry pretty much solidly for at least a week, (that wasn’t a choice, that just happened), then to try and break up the worst bits into more manageable sections. That meant allowing myself maybe an hour a day to feel the enormity of it, and to think about the longer and larger impacts - all the ‘why’s and ‘never’s.

So I kept that pretty well topped up and it worked - if I missed a ‘session’ I could feel it simmering under, needing to get out.

Physical comfort is a huge thing and a great answer to the question, ‘What can I do for someone who is grieving?’ I needed soft things - slippers, cardigan, soft pillow. Just things that felt gentle.

Sleep is important, as everyone knows. Mine was never great but grief messed with it even more because I hated the thoughts before bed and the nightmares. Barely sleeping makes grief about 23 times worse. 

Stuff getting better is true. Of course it’s not strictly linear but there’s an upward line of best fit. Some hours you can feel almost as bad as you did in those first few days, but it is definitely more manageable.

You get some of the really nice bits about enjoying life back eventually too - that can take ages but it’s good when it happens and you forget to notice - that’s a really big move forward. 

It’s totally understandable not to want to move forward particularly. In a way holding on to the grief is holding on to the connection and a way of pretending it wasn’t so long ago that you last saw that person. I’m not going to advise you away from that but maybe try and do the ‘manageable sections of grief’ thing as much as your brain and eyes will allow you.

Don’t do it alone if you can possibly avoid it - do talk to people, bore people with it if you need to. They’ll hopefully suck it up and keep on listening when there’s absolutely nothing left to say.

Gut punch references relevant to your situation are everywhere in the first few months. You’re experiencing the world with ears that hear death related references in capital letters. That fades after a bit, with just the odd jab here and there.

A bit about the other party here - the one that’s missing from the picture. They’re definitely OK now, so that’s something that you can generally put in the win column. Pretty blank column otherwise.

I did that thing people say to do where you write to them, and burn the letter. It genuinely helped a little. I recommend you give it a whirl even if it makes you feel like you’re pretending to be a white witch. It makes a lot of sense and where else was I going to send the invitation to my wedding that he should totally have been at. 

You can’t mollycoddle yourself forever but you can protect yourself from unnecessary situations. I had a couple of things in my calendar that I really didn’t feel up to - places where I would have been fixing a smile, but I thought I had to test myself or not let people down. My friend said ‘Just cancel on them. There is nothing good about this situation, so you may as well use it to get out of some stuff you don’t want to do.’ She is cool. Going easy on yourself is best. You’re already doing enough if it’s been a while and you’re back to doing some of your old routine. 

"Death is a fucker that should **** the **** off" - this bit’s about anger. Anger is cool because you can really get behind it and you can channel it into an outward, energetic thing. Make sure you do that -maybe dancing or something if boxing’s not your bag, so you don’t misuse it by saying spiteful, super negative things to the people you love too often. 

A big thing is to be gentle and kind to yourself. I threw myself into work and that went OK for a while but then stuff was building up and not getting dealt with and so it was only a temporary answer really. You do need time to process things. Don’t expect too much from yourself and get frustrated.

Try and set other people’s expectations too. Of course some people are going to be in a race to get you ‘back to your old self’ because they love you and want what’s best for you but that’s just not going to happen. You’re going to be altered forever, and you should be, you’ve lost someone you love. That person continuing to shape you even after they’re gone is how they get to stick about. Being altered doesn’t mean staying unhappy. Try, if you can, not to let people push you to do stuff you’re not yet ready for. Stretching yourself a little is good, but trying to do too much too soon can end up being a net loss in progress terms. 

Grief sneaks up on you like the dirtbag it is, even after ages. This might be when you’re watching a perfectly bad sitcom that accidentally pokes you in the grief. Just knowing it’s lurking there is helpful. 

A final word about bitterness. I am pretty bitter about stuff. It’s not great. You don’t want the rot to set in too deeply. Just something to keep an eye on, and then you can be all ‘**** you, bitterness.’ 

I wish you the actual best with moving towards a happier place where your loss feels more manageable. xxx (

 

 

 

 

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