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My Story, The Holidays, and Random Things That Make Me Angry


Lorelei_B

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I don't even know where to start, so I guess I'll tell my story in a nutshell. I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer this past summer. He was diagnosed in mid-June and was gone by the end of July. I still can't believe how quickly everything progressed. I was lucky to be able to spend a lot of time with him before he passed, but I am angry that he (and our family) was cheated out of quality time. After his emergency surgery (during which the cancer was discovered), he changed. It was like he had started checking out already. In retrospect, I realize that this is part of the dying process, as he knew his illness was terminal. The doctors kept assuring us that he'd have quality time before he passed - that he could do the things he loved again - but that didn't happen. During his last couple days, his sense of humor did return, and that was such a gift. It made saying goodbye a little easier. He was surrounded by family as he passed, and I feel blessed to have been there with him, holding his hand and comforting him in his last moments. I miss him terribly.

 

Since his passing, I feel like I have made a lot of progress. I talk to my mom daily, and keep in touch with other relatives via Facebook, email, etc. We had a beautiful celebration of life for my dad, and it was very healing. Now that the holidays are here, I feel like I am back to square one. We are going to have to figure out how to celebrate and enjoy Christmas without my dad. He was the life of the party, organizer (and rule follower) of holiday game nights, and lover of traditional English Christmas music. We had decided as a family (before my dad's illness) that we would have an early or late Christmas this year, simply to avoid the holiday travel nightmares. We stuck with our decision, but now I am second guessing that choice. Many grief sites advise changing traditions after a loved one has passed, so I guess it isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's just hard to adjust to the fact that it's my first (and only) Christmas in 37 years that I have not been in my home state with my family AND my first Christmas without my dad. I know that my husband and I will have a lovely Christmas at home, and I am trying to honor my dad's memory by enjoying the season the way he would have wanted.

 

Now on to some things that are really making me angry lately. I feel selfish admitting them, but I need to vent. First of all, does anyone else who has lost someone to cancer get really mad at TV ads for cancer hospitals? I realize that the ads are promoting a sense of hopefulness (which is certainly not a bad thing), and I am truly happy that there are some people who have beat cancer and live a full and healthy life after a diagnosis. However, some of the wording in those ads really makes me mad! There was one just today where a man is talking about his battle, and says "I didn't give up. I didn't let cancer win." Oh yeah? Well my dad didn't give up either. He was the most non-giving-up person I have ever known in my life. The implication that people who die of cancer have given up really eats me up inside. My dad's body was destroyed by cancer and the type of cancer he had was untreatable. How such a strong and energetic man got so weak so quickly is still shocking to me. He DID NOT GIVE UP.

 

Another thing that makes me angry/frustrated is that I feel like people around me don't get that I am not finished grieving (and will never be finished). As I mentioned before, I'm having a hard time with the holidays. Over the past month or so, I have made a couple of Facebook posts referring to missing my dad during the holidays. This is terribly selfish and petty, I know... but I get upset if I don't get enough comments or likes on those posts. I realize that with the crazy settings Facebook has set up - not everybody will even see my posts or have the opportunity to comment. I don't feel like I'm "looking for sympathy" (though maybe I am), but I like to post little memories about my dad...or pictures of us together. It helps me. Well it helps until I start feeling like nobody cares. Like why did 40 people like or comment on somebody's stupid post of a cat riding a Roomba, but I only got 2 comments on my post about missing my dad? Aside from Facebook, I have had several people make comments that anger me as well. Again, it seems very selfish - but here goes. A few weeks ago, one of my coworkers (who knows the full story of my dad's illness/passing) was going on and on and on about how horrible her year was because her accountant and her aunt's friend died. I don't mean to diminish another person's grief, and maybe she was very close to these people - I don't know. However, the entire time she was going on and on about her worst year ever, I felt so angry. Knowing all too well how it feels to lose somebody, I listened to her story and offered sympathy, but walked away feeling like she shouldn't have dared to tell me, of all people, about her awful year. I feel very guilty for having felt this way, but I can't help how I felt.

 

That felt GOOD to get out. Thank you to anyone who reads this. I am so happy to have found this forum. I look forward to sharing my journey and being a part of others' journeys as well.

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LBT,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your father. I can certainly agree to some of your "venting." Those ads are frustrating, and I get angry when a serious post of mine gets a few likes but something stupid and silly gets tons of likes. But, I think it's because Facebook in general is a shallow social media venue where people try to pretend that everything in their lives are perfect. 

 

My first Christmas without my father was very tough. We tried to continue on, but none of us felt it. Christmas is particularly hard on our family because my brother was killed in a car accident two days before Christmas. Dad loved Christmas, but would cry every Christmas over my brother. It was really odd to have a Christmas where we didn't have to rush to his side and comfort him. (I know that sounds absurd, but well, that's how it was). 

 

There are many here who feel your similar pain and anguish. We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

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