Learning to live again: Losing my Brother

[Nikosb13]

  There comes a point in everyone's life where they "grow up". You spend you life learning and answering all the questions life has thrown at you. You finally understand it all. But then something happens, and all those answers you had were wrong. Life suddenly doesn't make sense anymore. What was once a simple task has turned into a daunting one, Nothing is the same.  

  That's how I feel after losing my 14 Year old brother Nolan on July 17th, Of a sudden Brain Aneurysm. 

 

  I remember it all, burned into my mind. I had just gotten out of work and was settling down for the night, when my Youngest sister called me. She told me that our brother had passed out, and stopped breathing only minutes ago. My father (a trained Airborne Vet) had instantly started CPR while my step mother called 911.All of the details were unclear, just that he was being Medflighted to Bangor General Hospital in Maine. I called my oldest sister, and she headed over to my house. 

 So a quick little bit about my family. It's very large. I live in MA with my Biological mom, step father and my 'now' middle brother. My real Father lives in Maine, with my step mother, youngest brother and well.. Nolan. Both of my sisters, older and younger live on their own. I guess that's pretty much all you really need to know for now.

 

Back to that night.. My sister arrived at our house and we quickly threw our stuff into my car. (Keep in mind this was at 10pm).  We got gas, snacks and were on our way. A 5 1/2 hour drive to maine. We had talked in the car for the entire ride, glad that we decided to go. We were excited to see our 'family'. (We never got to go up there much). Talking about my extended stays in the hospital from when I was younger, and How I always managed to scare the crap out of everyone. Nolan must have gotten it from me. We were just excited to see his smiling face and hear him say "haha, I bet I scared the heck out of you guys".  

 

 We finally got to the hospital at about 2am ( I think), and were directed to the room. I saw my dad, and I knew something wasn't right.. My dad, a 101st Airborne veteran was crying. I just remember walking up to him and giving him a hug, Where he only said one thing.. "he's not going to make it, Nik".  Right then and there, everything stopped. My eyes froze, and no words could come out. My brother, 14 years old.. The multi-talented athlete and musician. The family comedian. The kid who NEVER gave up and could do anything, "Wasn't going to make it".  I just walked away in disbelief, and i'm pretty sure I paced for a bit. When we went in to see him, every one else was there. The last time my family was going to "be together".  I knew everything was never going to be the same. For 2 days I stayed in the hospital, where my immediate and extended family, and even Nolan's friends came to visit and say goodbye. I was almost mindless the entire time, not eating, not sleeping. Just thinking, and spending that last precious time with my brother. At one point one of the lead Neurologists talked to us and explained everything. Apparently it was a growing Aneurysm that he must have had since birth. The doctor told us there was almost no way of knowing, or chances of survival. Given the location of it. None of that really mattered to me at the time. Most of you reading this might know what it's like to just sit in a hospital, so I don't really need to explain it. You may wonder why I was there for several days, and I'm glad I was. We decided as a family that Nolan would want to donate his organs, after all.. Helping people is what he lived for. Although he was still "breathing" and had a heartbeat, there was no brain function. They kept him on life support to maintain the health of his organs that were to be donated. 

 Well that time came, Where you go with the doctors as they roll them away to the OR. To keep this short and simple.. While it was the last time I would ever physically see my brother, it was the hardest. And then to hear the sounds of a mother being taken away from her child.. Forever. 

 

This is getting rather long, so i'll come to a closing here. After the hospital, we all went back to my dad's house (my step mom was admitted for frequently passing out and having panic attacks). The town came together, and raised thousands of dollars, decorated the streets in Orange balloons and ribbons. Orange was his favorite color. Then the wake, the funeral.. You know how it goes. It was 'over' for most people. But i'm stuck. I understand it all, but at the same time I don't. My life has become increasingly difficult in the past 4 months. My family has become bitter and separated (for the most part). Overall, I'm worried, lost, sad and confused. I don't know where to turn. I have all sorts of things in my life that I just don't have answers for.. so i wait. And almost 5 months has gone by. Nothing is the same, nor will it ever be. What am I supposed to do?

 

 

Here is a nice article for those interested, And thank you for reading..

http://www.pressherald.com/2014/08/06/pittsfield-teen-lives-on-in-organ-recipients/

 

[ModKonnie]

Nikosb13,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your precious brother. Five months is just not even enough time to start to heal from such a devastating loss. The shock of it all is wearing off, the holidays are approaching, and the whole situation probably feels like some weird nightmarish reality that you keep hoping will go away.

 

One way, and it's really the best way, to process how you are feeling is to talk about it. Talk to each other, talk to your friends, just talk. If you have nobody to talk to face to face, then come here and talk. The more feelings you let out, the more you will begin to find your way through the fog.

 

I lost my brother when I was 14. The whole experience was a terrible trauma that took a long time to get over. My family was changed, but we did overcome and manage to find a new normal. Your family will too, eventually.

 

We will be here for you,

 

ModKonnie