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Sole-Mate

11 years after Sister took her own life

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It has been over 11 years since my sister took her life.  I always think that she should be here right now and we should be laughing about the odd times of our life.  In 2003 it was the worst year.  Father in law passed; Sister committed suicide; Wife died, then resuscitated and had pacemaker implant; Father went in for tripple bypass and susequent kidney failure; and wife went back into hospital because her lungs were filling up with blood.  It was a turning point in a lot of ways.  Now, here it is 11 years later and I am the only one left.  I peruse the pictures of us all running together, visiting, vacations, events and just plain hanging out.  The older parents are expected to pass at some point before us kids, but 35 and 48 are too young to die.  The sister and wife just need to be here.  Me and the Sis had just turned a corner in our lives as bro and sis but Wham! she takes her own life shortly thereafter.  She did not turn to any of us family members in her time of need. I suppose we had not solidified our bond, but at least I had the best hug with her that I ever had before she passed.  There was a Suicide Hotline and Survivor Program set up in her name, but it has since been combined with other programs. I did not go to her funeral as I wanted to remember her in life not lifeless. I was more mad that she did not even consider a family member as a lifeline especially me.  I did not cry or get overly emotional, but was struck with awe and disbelief.  She gets prayers and a candle at Church and is always remembered on special days.  Her soul is being cleansed and she will at some point be where she is destined if not already.  Sweet girl and I changed her diapers and took care of her as a little one.  There is nothing that has happened since 2003 that she could not have overcome....

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That "hug" was her way of saying goodbye.  The night before my daughter somehow managed to do what was almost impossible, buying and using a shotgun without even disfiguring herself, she hugged me, long and tight.  Listen: people who complete suicide (with no way out, deliberately) are very very ill.  Mental illness isn't what we imagined (at least not what I imagined).  YOU CANNOT TELL if a person is in a psychotic state every single time.  From your POV, and from mine as well, what you said "There is nothing that has happened since 2003 that she could not have overcome." is from YOUR rational, and emotionally and psychiatrically stable place.  Actually, she could not overcome, she was instead overtaken by her illness.  NO ONE could have helped her, trust me.  I had a world class, famous psychiatrist, therapists, the works...I fought for my kid but it was a losing battle for me because she left.  BUT....I know where she is and I know where your sister is, also.  Serious mental illness is a disease like any other.  People are not to blame for dying from cancer and mental illness is "thought" cancer.  She's at peace.  She's in joy, and free.  She's in a "place" where she can now intercede for YOU.

 

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Sheila D   

I agree with you completely, D. I too thought that when a person is ready to take their lives, their emotional instability would be obvious. In some ways it was, but I was confused because she was a high functioning attorney and though she had become very paranoid, she was going through unbearable situations. I too am so tired of living....but too afraid of dying (like the song) to take my life. In my sister’s case the pain of living became greater than her fear of dying. The saddest thing is that for many the Hell in our lives is usually not real (external event) but the result of unmanaged fear-based thoughts.

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