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Lost My Mother Last Week


scorpiogirl

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My 73 year old mother passed away last Wednesday, November 19, 2014.  She had been in nursing home care for about 15 years total, after having multiple strokes.  Myself and my two siblings had to work and we couldn't keep her at home, nor could we afford private nursing care for her. She was in a wheelchair and incontinent, but we were able to take her home for the day for birthdays and holidays and family get togethers.  And we did that as often as we could.  This past June, after several months of complaints with pain in her right side, they discovered she had a large growth on her colon.  It was cancer and they did colon resectioning surgery to remove it.  She was in the hospital for 3 weeks.  She contracted c. diff. infection while in the hospital, which is essentially a stomach virus that causes severe diarrhea and vomiting.  Her behind would be so raw that she would scream out in pain when touched to clean her up.  This infection would come, last for a few weeks, then go away a few weeks, and then return.  That meant she had to be isolated from other nursing home patients and she was very active in the nursing home activities.  So this eventually broke her spirit I believe.

Well she kept having stomach pain and issues, so they took her back in August and did CT scans with contrast dye and discovered that she also had liver cancer and was already at stage 4.  They gave her 3 to 6 months to live.  She refused any kind of chemotherapy because, after being so weak from the prior surgery, being 73 years old, and it being at stage 4 already, she would not likely have survived any treatments. She lived about 4 months from that diagnosis, but continued to have the c. diff. infection the whole time.  So, to alleviate the diarrhea, they let her take medication to slow it down so that at least she wouldn't have that discomfort on top of pain as her condition worsened. They aren't supposed to allow anti-diarrheals for c. diff. because that doesn't let the infection get out, but it would have made things twice as bad to let the diarrhea continue.  So we spent as much time as we could with her.  

 

In October, her pain became worse and pills didn't work anymore, so she was put on pain patches.  Hospice was called to begun monitoring her pain management.  Two weeks before she passed, her pain patches were doubled.  One week before she passed, it was doubled again.  She slept a lot because of the medication but any time she was awake or was touched she would scream out in pain.  It broke out hearts every day as we took turns sitting by her bed 24/7 the last week of her life.

 

Last Monday, she was sleeping a lot but would wake up enough to mumble some words...or smile.  Tuesday, she didn't open her eyes but would reach her arms up in the air and be mouthing words to someone that we couldn't see or hear.  We saw her mouth form names of people that had long since passed away.  If we spoke to her she wouldn't open her eyes but she would raise her eyebrows or smile.  On Wednesday, she wouldn't respond to us all....just sleep.  About 2:00 that afternoon, she began have a raspy breathing that sounded like she needed to clear her throat.  I've often heard people talk about the "death rattle" but didn't know that's what I was hearing.  We were all taking turns sitting with her so we could each get a little bit of work hours in for the week and my sister arrived to stay with her.  

 

So I left about 3:30 and came to work.  Luckily my boss was okay with me working strange hours so I had planned to stay until around midnight that night getting some work done.  It also helped to occupy my mind with something else for a little while.  At 9:15, my brother called and told me to come unlock the door.  I was confused for a minute and I said "What?" and he said "Mama's gone. Come unlock the door."  That's when I realized mama had died and he was at my work and wanted me to come unlock the door for him to come in.  He had come to get me instead of calling me to tell me because he didn't want me to drive the 45 minutes from work to where my mom was knowing I would be upset.  We stood in the lobby and cried before we left.  I shut down my office and locked up and we headed out.

 

When we got there I walked in to a room full of my family and my mother lying peacefully on the bed.  I broke down completely.  My nieces and nephews had been to see her and after they left, my sister had leaned over and told her "Mama, you've seen your babies and they are gone now.  So it's okay for you to go too if you need too."  My mother's heart stopped instantly and she was gone. She simply needed someone to tell her it was okay for her to go. And unlike most patients when they die, her eyes remain closed...her mouth remain closed.  It was as if she had just gone to sleep and didn't wake up.  She looked soooo peaceful and at ease.  The last week of her life, we watched as her almost white hair had begun to get brown streaks in it....the wrinkles on her forehead and cheeks smoothed out.  It was as if she was getting younger right before our eyes. The next few days I was in a haze, as we made preparations to lie my sweet mother to rest.  It was one of the hardest things I'd ever done.  

 

My father passed away back in 1994 with cancer as well, but he and my mother had been divorced for many years and he didn't play a large role in my life.  So yes, I was upset when he died, but it was nothing like how this feels.  This has left me feeling rather lost.  I don't know any other way to say it.  

 

I spent every Friday and every Sunday with my mom for the last 6 months or more.  My birthday had just passed a few days before she died.  And now we have Thanksgiving and Christmas coming without her.  I was always the one that went to get her ready and picked her up and drove her to all of our functions.  I will never regret the time I got to spend with her and being able to make her a part of all of our gatherings. Now I won't have to do that.  I don't know how to handle not having to do that anymore.  I understand that death is a part of life, but it doesn't make it any easier. I have cried a great deal, but I came back to work yesterday.  I do fine for a while and I'll be busy and working and occupying my mind and then all of a sudden the grief just overtakes me and I begin to cry.  I'll cry for about 15 minutes and then I'm okay again.

 

My grief is a combination of sadness at our loss, but relief and joy for her that she is no longer in pain. It was so hard to watch her hurt and cry at even the slightest touch. Her life was hell for the last 5 months.  And I can only hope and pray that she is reaping the reward for her suffering now. From watching her reach her arms up and speaking names of late family members and friends....to see her get younger...to the peaceful way she went and the peaceful look on her face...I truly do believe she is now an angel in heaven.  I'm not big on religion. I don't confess to be one religion or another.  But I do believe she has ascended to a higher plane and is now running and dancing and laughing again.  And that's what I wanted for her so so much!

 

My problem now is....every time I smile...or have any fun...I feel guilty for it.  I hope that is something that will pass, but right now, that's how it is.  I feel guilty for letting life continue to move forward without her. My sister, my brother and my sister-in-law are all worrying too much about me because I'm the "baby" in the family and I'm single and live alone. They are continuously checking up on me now.  I think they are waiting for me to have a nervous breakdown or something!  It's flattering...but at the same time, it makes this all even harder to deal with.

 

So anyway, I just felt like I needed to get all that out...thanks for listening.

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So sorry for your loss Scorpio girl.  I too lost my dear Mom to cancer (July 5, 2012).  She was my best friend, and I still miss her EVERY SINGLE DAY.  The pain has lessened, but it does NOT go away.  Your Mom sounds like she was a fighter, and she must have passed it on to you.  You have all that you need to go forward without her (even though at times it may be very difficult) But know that you should not feel guilty for wanting to live your life, smile, laugh and have fun.  I am sure it is what Mothers want for their children ( I am a mother - and it is what I would want for my children).  In moments of great joy (for me) I still have tears (I let them fall, even though people around me do not understand, or appreciate it...)- wishing she could be with us, and at the same time, hoping that she is - at least in some way.  

 

I won't suggest that you be strong... so many do, and I personally found it offensive (I had no choice, but to be strong!), but to live in EACH moment - the good, and the bad. Be grateful for your Mom's life and her love, and for any and all experiences that you will have.  Your life is your own, and how you choose to live it - it really is all up to you!  

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