Members Khyris_Mommy Posted November 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted November 25, 2014 There are days that the hurt is greater, almost debilitating, tonight is one of the nights. I want so badly to go into her room and pick ehr up and hold her, she isn't there. I know she's not. Today is a month since her funeral and I still can't wrap my head around her not being here. I know she's not coming home, but something in me is holding on to hope that somehow there will be a mix up...like she had an identical twin, some crazy science miracle, and I'm going to get a phone call any second saying she's not really gone. She was just a baby. I don't know what to do without her. I have made it through a whopping 12 hours of work in the last two weeks because I don't feel like the world should have to keep going, I don't want to be there it's too much "normal" all at once and I just wish time would stop and wait for her, or speed up and let me go, I don't know. It just hurts so bad. The deep, in your chest, have to physically hold onto yourself so you dont fall apart hurt. The kind that starts in your heart and creeps up your throat and out your eyes hurt. I just want it to stop. Does anyone know how to make it stop? :'( Last Thanksgiving me and my baby </3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sailormom Posted November 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted November 25, 2014 I understand, I go crawl into his bed curl up and just cry. I was used to not seeing him for 6-8 months due to deployments and being in the Navy. Sunday was 9 months since he has been gone and I just keep hoping to see him somehow. I drive past his work 5 times a day which is the last place I saw him alive, I keep hoping to somehow see him running across that parking lot or his truck pulling out. I would pass him in the mornings, lunch or end to work day at least 3-4 times a week. I come home for lunch and at times I think I hear him running up the back steps, he loved to come to the house for lunch from work and kick back in his fathers lazy boy and tell me that I needed to buy dad a new lazy boy so could have the old one for his apartment. It's gonna get slowly better for us all, it's just gonna take us awhile to adjust to our new normal without our beloved babies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted November 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted November 25, 2014 Sailor Mom.....that 'I just want him back' still comes to me once or twice a day....it will be a kind of zing....and that has to be normal for a parent that has lost a child...no matter how many years have passed.....and I agree with you...it was not the 'over the top' experiences....it is those small....personal to only a parent/child relationship that hurts and haunts us...day to day....small conversations....when John David would come through the front or back door....he would holler 'Mom' ....even knowing I was home.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Khyris_Mommy Posted November 26, 2014 Author Members Report Share Posted November 26, 2014 Sailor Mom.....that 'I just want him back' still comes to me once or twice a day....it will be a kind of zing....and that has to be normal for a parent that has lost a child...no matter how many years have passed.....and I agree with you...it was not the 'over the top' experiences....it is those small....personal to only a parent/child relationship that hurts and haunts us...day to day....small conversations....when John David would come through the front or back door....he would holler 'Mom' ....even knowing I was home.... I love the small things...they are my favorite place to go when I cry...but also the most painful. The cries in the middle of the night, the high fives, the hugs, the peek a boo...not the big things so much...I think back to the day she was born all the time, but she was only going to be born once anyway ya know? THere's no way for her being born to grow or change, but the thoughts of the hugs getting tighter, the cries turning into sentences, all the things that could have changed that are just frozen exactly the way they were...it's all tragically, heartbreakingly, utterly, beautiful in it's own gut-wrenching way. I have a friend who's son died by suicide when he was 13, I was talking to her and asked when it got better, she said never (its been 5 years for her)...and i decided i'm ok with that...i dont want the hurt to not be there cuz the love wouldnt be there either....but at the same time, i dont want to feel this for the next 60 years...i'm only 24, i'm a young mom, and the thought of an entire lifetime without her is almost unbearable sometimes. I just dont know. She says that she can go longer without crying now, that she can think about him without crawling into a hole for the day, she said that "one day i woke up and just realized that he's not here. and no matter where he is the world is still moving." I am personally terrified of that day. I dont ever want it to hit that she's really not here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted November 26, 2014 Members Report Share Posted November 26, 2014 maybe she is still with you....but not in the way 'she was'.....not in the form she was....but...she is still 'with you'....it takes time for that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Margo60 Posted November 29, 2014 Members Report Share Posted November 29, 2014 I totally understand the depth of despair you're feeling. I'm having one of those days (the thanksgving holiday was a trigger for me) and I'm hopeful things will get better as time goes on. Honestly, it feels so hopeless in the moment, but when I speak to others who've had a child loss, I'm told it takes time, (((Take care))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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